Unleashing Your Superpower

by Jeff Tippett

  Our slogan was “Free the Mimosa.” My objective was to give people what they wanted, and what they wanted was the occasional mimosa before noon on a Sunday.

  In the end, I built the largest grassroots program for a state campaign that my client had ever seen. One of our call-toaction drives generated more email responses than my client had ever received on any campaign. But, more importantly, I helped navigate the bill through the state Senate and House of Representatives by motivating citizens across the state to take action when I needed it.

  Here’s what I knew: This wasn’t about my client passing a bill. This was about citizens across the state who had likely tried to order a Sunday morning mimosa, only to be told no. They wanted a drink with brunch on Sundays. So that’s where I focused.

  Let’s be honest, most of us strategize to find ways to win. Obviously, given that you’re reading this book, you do, too. And more often than not, we’re thinking about winning from our own perspective. But, to be successful, you have to be where your audience is. You have to make it about them.

  I recently received the following email, and I think it’s a good example of the opposite of what I’ve described above:

  Jeff,

  We’re really trying to fill the room on this one. We’ve got some congressional staff that will be in attendance and some higher-ups from DC in town.

  Do you think you can help us get some attendees?

  Thanks!

  Xxxxxx

  Although I like the sender as a person, I had no motivation to jump in. I was swamped with my own to-do list, emails to return, writing, etc. Like always, I faced a day with lots of problems to solve. Could I have helped? Did I know people I could have urged to attend this event? Did I have the ability to reach out to them? Yes. But I didn’t. The sender didn’t persuade me. The request was about him, what he needed, with no attempt to convince me that attending would be good for me, as well.

  But with a few quick tweaks to the ask, I might have responded differently. Take a look at this revised version:

  Jeff,

  We’ve got some congressional staff that will be in attendance and some higher-ups from DC in town, and I know you are building your network of DC power players. The room is full, but I could add you and a couple friends if you want to bring someone.

  Thanks!

  Xxxxxx

  Do you see the difference? I can tell you that I likely would have responded to the revised version. That version is written in a way that shows me how the request meets my needs.

  And the sender would have won, too.

  We often think of persuasion as a way to get what we want. We want to get elected. We want a bill passed. Or we want to close a big deal. Maybe it’s an employer making a job offer.

  Regardless of the “thing,” our mission is clear: We want to win, and we know this often means persuading others to embrace our perspective.

  It’s all about your audience. Always. They care about themselves, their health, finances, and families and friends. Your challenge is to remove yourself, to begin to see things through your audience’s perspective, and to find a way to message from their needs, wants, and desires. Step into their shoes. What matters to them? Determine what that is, and adjust your messaging accordingly. Speak to their needs. Address those needs, and you’ll win, as well.

  So, how do you help others find their win? I think it can be broken down into three easy steps: listening to where your audience is, asking questions, and then seeking alignment. Let’s walk through three effective tools to make your audience your primary focus.

  1. First, listen.

  You have a lot to say. I get that. We all do. And I’m willing to bet you’re passionate about the issue at hand. That’s fantastic. But are you willing to put that on the back burner—just for the moment—to listen? There’s information you need, and you’ll only get it by listening.

  Too often, when we have a point to make, or we want to persuade someone, we go right at them—“you need this, this, and this”—rather than starting with a question. What do they need? Why do they need it?

  Too often, we go in attempting to bang people over the head with our point of view. And very often, people feel as if no one is interested in their point of view. They want someone to listen—to try to understand their point of view. Try to understand their perspective, where they’re coming from. Effectively reaching people is a matter of understanding where they’re coming from and attempting to respond to their needs.

  It’s important to remember that hearing and listening are not the same thing. Hearing is involuntary; listening is going to require effort.

  We’re talking here about three types of listening: (1) informational listening (to learn); (2) critical listening (to evaluate); and (3) therapeutic or empathetic listening (to understand feelings).

  I suggest you prepare to listen by making sure you have an open, nonjudgmental mindset. At this stage—the introductory stage—it’s important to remember there’s nothing to fix; this isn’t about solutions. Author and educator Stephen R. Covey once said, “Many people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

  Make sure you’re actively listening. Turn your phone off. Often, instead of listening, we start forming thoughts, responses, arguments, etc. None of these matter in the introductory stage. All that matters is that you’re in the moment and truly listening.

  What the person says is important, but so is what is not said. To quote the late Peter Drucker, a management consultant and author, “The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.” Body language, facial expressions, and words left out can be clues. Recognize when you’re treading on uncertain terrain. Backup; assess.

  For most people, being an active listener isn’t natural; it takes practice. Seek to understand, not to be understood. What is their need? Can you meet it? Your win is the fulfillment of their needs.

  Here’s what I can promise you: If you’ll commit to active listening, people will tell you everything you need to know.

  2. Next, ask questions.

  One of the best ways to show you’re listening, while also showing that you value what your audience is saying, is to ask questions. Allow your audience to communicate without being judged.

  I would encourage you to refrain from leading questions. At this stage, it isn’t about taking your audience somewhere. It’s really about understanding them.

  Ask open-ended questions; they encourage your audience to elaborate, offer more developed thoughts. Simple “yes” or “no” questions aren’t likely to give you the depth you need. Openended questions encourage your audience to offer greater detail: “Why, how, what do you think about . . .”

  Examples of clarifying questions that can elicit a more detailed response are, “Did I hear you say . . .” or, “Can you explain more about . . .”

  Also, try asking questions that might uncover emotions. “How does this make you feel?” “What I heard you say is . . .”

  How do you make sure you’re actually listening and understanding correctly? Repeat back to them their words to make certain you heard what they’re actually saying.

  3. Finally, seek alignment.

  Here’s where your magic begins to happen. This is the phase where your skills really come into play.

  You understand exactly where you want your audience to be. You understand where they are. You understand why they are where they are. You understand your message and reason for persuasion. Now, the question is, “Where is the alignment?”

  Let me give you a good example of following the three steps I’ve just introduced.

  I recently heard about a guy running for city council in a city near where I live. He launched his campaign by walking around, going door to door, getting to know people, and asking them, “What’s going on in your neighborhood?” “What are your concerns?” “What can I do to help you?” Several people mention
ed an intersection at which there was a high rate of accidents.

  So he went there and parked his car near the intersection. And, after observing for a few hours, he saw that only about one in ten motorists were correctly following the traffic signs. Were the signs poorly positioned? Or too vague? Or did more awareness need to be raised about the potential danger? It was an issue he needed to further explore.

  He’d listened, asked questions, learned, then followed up on his constituents’ concern. My guess is that he’s got a good crack at getting elected. He’s aligned with those constituents.

  Now, can you move your audience? Can you solve their problem and demonstrate the value? Can you understand them and guide them to a new place? Frame your conversation by speaking to the values of the people you wish to persuade.

  Again, winning is ultimately about your audience. Help them find success, and you’ll find success. You can persuade them. You can get what you want. Just start with them. Help them win, and you’ll win, too.

  Another industry expert’s perspective:

  Life with three children presents distinct challenges when pizza is involved. You know what I mean, right? Each sibling watches the other take a piece of the pie and that means one less for them, and as they watch the pizza slowly disappear, desperation sets in and fighting ensues in order for every kid to get as much as they want.

  Pizza is a zero-sum game—meaning that, when someone takes a piece, that is one less piece for them.

  As leaders and influencers, we have this tendency to see life like a pizza—that, when someone gets accolades or the promotion or opportunities, that means less for us. And this mentality creates competition and fear—it creates a dog-eatdog environment that diminishes us all.

  You know what I mean. Think of a recent interaction you had with a co-worker or manager that put you down, that diminished your talents, or dismissed your accomplishments. How did that make you feel? Probably pretty lousy. These types of leaders are like vampires—sucking the life out of everyone else in order for them to survive. And be careful—their negativity can be contagious, creating a toxic culture of that leaves everyone hurt.

  Now, think of the last time someone listened to you attentively, saw your gifts and talents, encouraged you to be your best, and went out of their way to help you succeed—even when it was inconvenient for them, or even if they had to sacrifice for you. How did that make you feel? Probably pretty great. And now, if they needed help, would you help them? Yes! Of course!

  This is win-win leadership. Where leaders see the gifts of those around them and empower everyone to live their best lives—to succeed—even if it means they leave the company to take a promotion or need to take time off to attend to a personal dream. I call these people “compassionate influencers.” These influencers do not see the world like pizza—but are confident and secure enough to see there’s enough success to go around, and that, by helping others succeed, they will succeed, too. As the old saying goes, “A rising tide raises all boats.”

  We are at our best when we are functioning in compassion. Science is proving that, when functioning in compassion, we are actually healthier, happier, and our relationships thrive. Helping others get their “win” releases oxytocin throughout our bodies which propels our minds, connects us to others, and eases our stress. Helping others get their “win” eliminates the barriers of competition, opens up opportunities for collaboration and partnership, and lays the foundation for a culture of success for everyone involved.

  Life doesn’t have to be a zero-sum game where some “win” and others “lose.” We live in a world of abundance where there is room for everyone to thrive and live their best lives. I believe it’s these compassionate leaders who empower those around them to reach their dreams that build loyalty and create a culture of success where everyone’s ship rises together. We can choose to live in a win-win world!

  Jason Butler

  JasonPButler.com

  Ready for the next step? Let’s talk about how to make a connection.

  Questions for Reflection

  How can you check your motives, and your heart, to understand whether or not you’re really focusing on others?

  How do you know if you’re truly valuing the input and needs of others, or merely going through the motions to get what you want?

  Think back to moments in which you know your focus was on others. How did that person respond?

  Where do you think the boundary lies in making sure you focus on others while remaining cognizant of taking care of yourself?

  Look back at the message you created in the reflection section of Chapter 3. Does it focus on the win of your audience? If not, how can you rewrite it to put the focus on them?

  People who are able to persuade often have one key trait in common: They know how to connect. I believe that, at its core, persuasion is a conversation. And the best conversations involve a connection.

  We’ve all sat through presentations where the keynote speaker fails to connect. It feels like a struggle. Checking email on our phones seems more rewarding than listening to a speaker who seems to be way off in the distance.

  Connecting matters. In fact, I’d argue that a connection is necessary for persuasion.

  Ever listened to a speaker, lost all awareness of time, felt like it was just you and the speaker, and every word seemed to resonate within you? That’s what I mean by connection. Show me any great person able to persuade, and I’ll bet we can find where she was able to connect with her audience.

  I’m about to show you several powerful techniques that will serve you well as you make a connection with your audience. But perhaps this one objective tops them all: Strive to understand.

  I think a willingness to understand where others are at in their lives is lacking in our society. People often focus on why the other viewpoint is wrong, and often even demonize their audience because of this differing viewpoint. Here, in the United States, we see this played out daily in our political discourse; we’re convinced we’re right and the other person is wrong. Sometimes, we even go as far as to demonize the other person.

  Dr. Stephen Covey, in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says it this way:

  If you’re like most people, you probably seek first to be understood; you want to get your point across. And in doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend that you’re listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the meaning entirely. So why does this happen? Because most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the questions you are going to ask, etc. You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference. You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. And consequently, you decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating.

  We’re assuming here that your audience is at a different place than where you want them to be. But before attempting to move them to where you want them to go, try to understand why they are where they are. Keep in mind there’s another side to the story. And when you’re willing to listen and understand, you’re on the road to making a solid connection.

  Now, I want to present five techniques for connecting: humor, compassion, empathy, storytelling, and authenticity. Let’s go through each one, as well as a few tips for employing them.

  1. Humor

  Many professional speakers have had some variation on this exchange: “Do I have to use humor in my keynote address?” “Only if you want to get paid.” People respond to humor. So many people are living stressful lives that offering them the opportunity to escape, laugh, and see life differently is a true gift.

  Perhaps my favorite resource for applying humor in persuasion is Judy Carter’s The Comedy Bible. In this book, Carter gives step-by-step guidance on adding humor to a
ny form of communication. She suggests that comedy is all around us. We just get so busy with life that we fail to notice. So keep your eyes open. Look for, as Carter puts it, “weirdness, stupidity, and oddness” wherever you happen to be. Keep a journal and record what you observe.

  2. Compassion

  Compassion is awareness of where another person is, and includes a desire to help change that situation—assuming, of course, it’s not an ideal situation. And compassion will challenge us to leave our perspective and seek to understand what’s happening in the other person’s life.

  Why is this important? It allows you, the persuader, to go to where your audience is, understand their perspective, and then lead them to the decision you want them to make.

  3. Empathy

  While compassion moves us to understand and alleviate negative aspects of another’s life, empathy takes it one step further. Empathy allows us to feel vicariously what others are going through.

  Perhaps this is one of the greatest elements missing in today’s political discourse. We lack empathy for others.

  I grew up in rural North Carolina, but after graduate school, I made the move to a larger city. My adopted hometown has come out of the recession much better than where I was raised. Jobs abound, the housing market is strong, and the quality of life is impressive. It’s easy to live in a bubble, thinking everyone is experiencing life in a similar manner. But it’s not true.

  In the heat of the 2016 elections, I spent an afternoon grilling and drinking with people living in rural areas of my state. I was reminded of how strong, resilient this community is. But I also began to see a people who haven’t seen prosperity the way the state’s urban core has. They’ve endured and survived. But they feel they’re being left behind and are voiceless.