All We Were

by Grace, Elisabeth

  He pulls away for a moment and brushes the strands of loose hair off my face. “God, I missed this, missed you.”

  He runs his tongue from the base of my neck to my earlobe. My eyes drift closed, and my head falls back as the coarseness of his short beard brushes against my skin in opposition to the soft caress of his tongue and lips as he travels to my other ear.

  “Lilah, you’re everything to me. Do you know how hard it’s been to watch you swim in this every day?” His thumb brushes over the peak of my nipple through my swimsuit, and a bolt of electricity zings from my breasts to my center. “Every time I see you out here, I want to strip this damn suit off you, lay you out on one of the loungers, and feast on you for days.”

  He tugs on my nipple. Without warning, he pulls back and slips both straps of my bikini top down my arms, so it hangs underneath my breasts, exposing me to him.

  Jimmy examines me with pent-up lust, My skin sizzles from his gaze. The warm rays of the sun heat my skin, reminding me that we’re out on his deck, but before I can say anything, he kneads my breasts and sucks on a nipple. My hand pushes into his dark hair, the curls at the end spilling out around my fingers.

  He tugs on my nipple with his teeth before sucking on it and swirling his tongue over the rigid tip. My fist tightens in his hair and he squeezes my other breast, rolling the nipple between his thumb and forefinger.

  Was it always this good? This on the edge of orgasm the entire time?

  I moan when his hand drifts down my stomach and dips into the front of my swimsuit. We need to move inside before we’re screwing for all to see. His finger coasts over my swollen nub.

  “Jimmy, we need to take this inside.” I pant. There’s no conviction in my words. I’d let him have his way with me right here if he refused.

  But my words clearly cut through the fog of his desire, because he straightens out, taking a second to eat up my body with his eyes while he squeezes his straining length in his swim trunks. “You’re right. What I plan on doing to you, no one should see.”

  I giggle. The promise of his words makes my womb ache, and all I can think of is him inside me.

  Without warning, he picks me up and puts me over his shoulder.

  “Ah! Jimmy!” I laugh, holding onto the fabric of his shorts.

  “What can I say, you bring out the caveman in me.” He closes the sliding glass door and heads across the living room to the hallway that leads to the bedroom.

  Once we reach the master, he slowly slides me down the length of him until my feet touch the floor. I meet his gaze and gone is the lighthearted mood from moments ago. The lust from the deck releases in the solitude of his room.

  His knuckles brush along my cheek and his eyes lock with mine. All the love seeping from him to me drowns me. It’s us, Jimmy and Lilah, but at the same time, it’s not.

  Neither of us has to verbalize the words that we’re about to have a first. A first at true intimacy with one another.

  I’ve never made love with anyone. Never wanted to. Until now.

  Fear tries to poke holes in my happiness, and the itchy feeling on my skin I so often associated with the need to numb myself commences.

  No.

  I won’t let it win.

  Jimmy loves me, and I love him, and our love is enough.

  I push the negative thoughts from my head—the ones that tell me he only wants to use me for my body and the pleasure it can give him. The ones that say I’m worthless, the ones that make me believe I’ll never be enough for a man like Jimmy. I put them all into a pile in my mind, douse them with gasoline, and light a match.

  I reach for him, and even though he doesn’t know it, I’m giving him more than my body in this moment. I’m giving him my soul.

  Our tongues slowly tangle in a tender kiss. His hand’s in my hair, mine in his. He slides down the bottom of my bathing suit with care, followed by pulling the top over my head. I push his shorts down his hips until they fall to the floor, careful not to catch his straining erection.

  We stand with our hands linked, drinking in one another.

  I’ve never been embarrassed or insecure about my body, but laying my soul and heart out there is a lot harder. Those are more precious. I want to cover myself up, but I don’t. I force myself to remain under his gaze because it’s not my body I’m afraid to let him see; it’s the me that sits inside my outer shell. But I need him to see it. I need him to see me and accept me.

  His gaze, filled with love and acceptance and most importantly forgiveness, finally meets mine. Wiping our slate clean.

  He leads me to the bed and I crawl up. There will be no foreplay in our coming together this time. We’re beyond dirty words and physical sensations.

  He crawls over me, and I breathe a sigh of relief with the familiarity of his weight as he lowers himself just enough to make contact with my skin. His warmth seeps into me, and I brush the hair falling off his forehead.

  Jimmy kisses me slowly and languidly, with a relaxed comfort. Our tongues meet and neither of us vies for control. The kiss draws to its natural end before he props himself up on his elbows over me, cupping my cheek.

  “I love you, Lilah. I’ve always loved you and I always will. That is my promise to you.”

  My chest swells, and tears spring to my eyes. His gaze never wavers, giving me his patience as I collect myself before I can speak.

  “I love you, Jimmy. And I promise you I’ll never stop. No matter what happens. I’ll always protect you the way you’ve protected me for so long.”

  Our lips meet, and I open my legs for him, welcoming him inside me.

  He pulls back for a beat, silently asking if we’re still safe without a condom. I haven’t been with anyone since I entered rehab and I had a full physical there, so I know I’m safe. I don’t care to know if he’s been with anyone while we were apart. Nothing matters except this moment.

  I give him the smallest of nods and he pushes inside me, his eyes drifting closed. I try to keep mine open as long as possible, but I too close my eyes as he fits himself perfectly inside me. He drags his length out and I open my eyes, needing to see the pleasure in his expression. When I do, he’s watching me.

  Our gazes never waver as he slides in and out of me. Every thrust is like a promise to love, protect, cherish, and accept.

  The grind of his hips when he’s fully seated rubs against my swollen clit and my orgasm builds. It’s slow, as if we’re repairing us brick by brick every time he pushes in.

  Words don’t leave our lips, but it doesn’t matter. What we’re sharing is more intimate than any words could express. Emotion swells between us and eventually I cry out, close my eyes, and press my head back into the bed as my climax washes over me. Jimmy comes moments later, and I watch the pleasure in every twitch of his face and groan from his mouth.

  He’s not quick to get up. Instead, our lips tangle and mesh as our hands lightly run over each other’s body.

  When he pulls out, the evidence of his pleasure leaks out of me, but I don’t care. I don’t want to leave this bed or the serenity we’ve created.

  He rolls onto his back and pulls me into his side, stroking my arm with his hand. I close my eyes and squeeze him, truly the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.

  “I want you to move your things in here. If we’re doing this—really doing this—I want you sleeping in my bed every night.”

  I place my chin on his chest and look up at him, my hand stroking his cheek, and nod. The delight and surprise in his eyes when I don’t put up a fuss like I did months ago warms me, and there’s not a doubt in my mind that I made the right choice by telling him my feelings.

  For the first time, my future is bright.

  Chapter Thirty-five

  Jimmy

  Most of my time these past few weeks I’ve spent trying to keep Lilah busy. The Pier being our go to place since it offers the privacy as long as we’re wearing disguises.

  She’s forming her own routine—swimming every day, some
times twice, attending daily meetings, and reading a lot of self-help books. Outwardly it appears she’s great, but I sense she’s hiding how hard recovery really is for her.

  A couple of times I’ve woken in the middle of the night to find her sitting on the deck. She says she’s listening to the sound of the waves rolling in because she can’t sleep. I worry on those nights, and even though she sends me back to bed, saying she’s fine, I lie awake, hoping she’s not slipping out to meet one of her old dealers.

  Then we have mornings like this one, where she’s eager to learn how to cook.

  “Here you go.” I slide her omelet onto a plate.

  “You make it seem easy.”

  “You’ll get it.”

  “Maybe I need to start with scrambled eggs.” She laughs.

  I kiss her forehead. “Lesson tomorrow.”

  “Thanks.”

  I nod and return to the stove to make my own omelet. Ten minutes later, I’m sitting beside her while she’s finishing hers. We’ve been honest and open with each other since she returned from rehab, but I’m still nervous to ask her what I need to.

  “It’s so good. I think you’re becoming a better cook,” she says.

  “Well one of us has to be, otherwise we’d starve.”

  Lilah knocks me with her shoulder and giggles. “Touché.”

  Cutting into my omelet, I think I might just be getting better. “I wanted to talk to you about something.” I shift on the stool to face her. “Feel free to say no if it’s too much.”

  “Okaaay…” Her hands clench into fists on her lap.

  “I have to go to a movie opening next month. The same studio that’s doing The Regulator is doing this one, and I want you to be my date?”

  You’d think I was a seventeen-year-old boy asking a girl to prom the way my heart is racing, and my palms are sweaty. Not that I know what a boy feels like in that situation. I never went.

  “Of course I want to go with you.” She squeezes my wrist.

  “We’d have to walk the red carpet. There’s a chance a reporter might ask you about rehab.”

  She contemplates my words and inhales a deep breath. “That’s okay. I can’t avoid it forever.”

  Lilah’s overdose and subsequent trip to rehab made headlines. I’m not sure she’s aware—she’d have no way of knowing unless she’s googled herself since she’s returned—and since she hasn’t asked, I haven’t offered the information. Who wants to hear their name was trashed all over gossip magazines? No one.

  “Are you sure?” I cover her hand with mine. “I don’t want to push you to do something you’re not ready for. I can go stag.”

  She places her hand on my cheek and runs it over my short beard. “If it’s too much beforehand or when we’re there, I’ll tell you. I can always slip out if I need to.”

  I nod, and she places a soft kiss on my full lips. She smiles and pushes her plate away.

  “You know, us showing up together is going to lead to some questions about the status of our relationship,” I add.

  Lilah shrugs. “They can think what they want as long as we know what’s between us.”

  “I agree, but we should probably decide how we’re going to approach the topic.”

  She swivels in the stool to face me with a grin. “Do you want to confirm our relationship to the press? What about Bernie’s plan with you and Adelaide?” She rolls her eyes.

  “Fuck Bernie and his plan. He won’t be happy, but too bad. As for us, I wonder if we’re better to confirm it for the press rather than face months of speculation about what’s going on.”

  Though we’ve spent a lot of time together in the weeks since she’s returned. We stick around here, other than the few times we’ve driven north to hike trails or to the pier. It’s no small wonder there have been no pictures of her going to meetings yet.

  “They’re going to hound us either way, but it might be worse if they’re speculating rather than have confirmation,” she says.

  “So, are we officially coming out to the press?” I can’t fight my smile, which spurs Lilah’s smile.

  Neither she nor I have ever discussed our relationship with the press. Over the years, there’s been talk about us on and off again, but we’ve never confirmed or denied anything.

  “I say we do it. We’re leaving the past behind. This is part of that.”

  I kiss her, slipping my tongue between her lips briefly before drawing back. I smile when I pull back. “It’s official then. We’re official.”

  She slips off the stool and straddles me, wrapping her arms around my neck. “We should celebrate.” Her lips mash with mine and her center grinds along my growing dick.

  “I like how your mind works.” I pick her up and carry her to the couch.

  I’m not hungry for an omelet anyway.

  * * *

  Later that evening, I’m sitting out on the deck, watching Lilah do her laps in the pool, as has become our routine. The sun descends as though it’s suspended in midair, painting the sky in streaks of orange and amber. Although it’s warm out, a cooler breeze picks up off the water. Peace and contentment fall over me.

  Lilah is in the early stages of her sobriety and the future isn’t certain, but this is how it always should’ve been. What our future will be. In my head, a decade from now, we’re married with maybe a kid or two. Me at the top of my game and Lilah doing whatever it is she wants to do. I smile from the visual.

  Between the two of us, I’m the planner. The one who looks into the future and figures out the path to get where I want to be. Lilah was always a “don’t hold me down” girl. I’m not sure the sober Lilah is the same way, and confessing my hopes for our future could scare her. So, I’m content for now, keeping things how they are between us as boyfriend and girlfriend.

  The sound of water dripping pulls my vision from the sky. Lilah’s stepping out of the pool. I want to chase every drop of water running down her smooth, tanned skin with my tongue.

  She’s a vision as she steps toward me, not bothering with a towel. “I’ve been thinking…”

  “That’s never good,” I joke.

  She lightly slaps my shoulder before she joins me on the double lounger. “Har, har.” She presses into my side and wraps her arm around my waist.

  “You’re getting me all wet.” I lean away and she squeezes me tighter, draping her leg over me.

  “Well I’m always wet around you, so we’re even,” she whispers into my ear.

  My dick twitches in my pants, and she laughs.

  I roll my eyes. “You were saying?”

  “Part of my recovery is righting my wrongs and apologizing to the people I’ve hurt. I was thinking that it might be a good idea for Tripp and me to have a conversation. I know I didn’t ever do anything specifically to him, but he helped you clean up a lot of my messes and I owe him an apology.”

  Pride fills my chest. Tripp’s my closest friend, besides Lilah.

  “I think he’d really appreciate it.” I kiss the top of her head.

  “We might never be best friends, but for your sake, I hope we can figure out a way to be in same room without ripping each other’s head off.”

  I chuckle, and she rests her chin on my chest, looking up at me.

  “That’s the criteria, is it? Just to be able to be around one another without killing each other?”

  She smiles. “Ideally, we’ll eventually grow to like one another, but baby steps. With our past, it’ll take time for him to trust me. He saw me hurt you so many times… now that I have a clear head, I don’t blame him. He was only being a good friend to you.”

  The guilt and shame in her voice cuts me with a dull knife.

  “Hey.” I tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. “Fresh start, remember?”

  She nods and digs her chin into my chest, which makes me wiggle to the side because it half hurts, half tickles.

  “Are you ticklish?” She grins, rising over me and straddling me. “How did I not know you’re ticklish
?”

  Her grin shines from ear to ear. She tries to get her hands under my arms, but I fight her off. She shifts gears to my neck, but I squeeze my chin down. We both laugh, and I tickle her ribs until she’s laughing so hard she can’t catch her breath and falls into my chest.

  All her jostling on my lap excites my dick, the hard length straining the confines of my shorts now. While she’s pressed against me, catching her breath, she notices and purposely grinds into me.

  “Careful. Don’t start something you can’t finish,” I say in a ragged voice, my hands gripping her ass.

  “I always make sure you finish.” She lets out a soft moan, circling her hips.

  The soft pants of her breath on my neck, her tits pressed into my chest, and the friction she’s causing leaves me with undeniable desire. My balls ache for release as she speeds up her pace.

  I reach down between us. She lifts up, allowing me to undo the button of my shorts and unzip them. Boy am I ever glad I went commando today.

  “Here?” she asks, her eyes growing wide.

  “It’s getting dark and the lights aren’t on.” I pull out my cock, and Lilah licks her lips.

  Fuck, I love how she’s always as hungry for this as I am. And her need is genuine now—not once since she’s been home has she used sex as a distraction or to avoid her feelings.

  My fingers slide her bathing suit aside and she sinks down over me. My eyes roll to the back of my head from her warmth and wetness. I force them to face her, getting off more on watching her. Her eyes flutter closed as she presses down, and when I’m fully inside her, she lets out a rush of air.

  She’s so tight, and I’m so deep inside her when she’s right up over me. Without any encouragement, she rides me, slow and steady.

  I’m underneath, watching her steal her pleasure from me, owning me and taking everything she craves, biting her lip and moaning softly. Slowly, she’s losing the battle to be quiet. I bring my thumb down and circle her clit, and her cries of pleasure mix with the sound of crashing waves.