The Arrangement: Collection D (Vol 10-12)

by Ward, H. M.

  I smile to myself, because it sounds so simple, but it’s fucking hard. If I could separate the good memories from the bad, then I wouldn’t be talking to my parents’ tombstone when things get bad. I’d be able to accept that they’re gone and look back at the time we had together with joy instead of gut-wrenching remorse.

  I’m a hypocrite. How can I expect Sean to let go of his demons when I visit mine on a weekly basis?

  I sit down hard on the curb and let out a sigh. Staring at the spokes, I ask, “So, why’d you buy Peter a house here? I can’t picture you living in a place like this. I mean, I assume you like it since you bought it for him. At least on some level, but this is the kind of house that I’d want to grow old in, not you. I can’t imagine the bad-ass Sean Ferro with little flower gardens and a sweet Cape Cod with white gingerbread trim on a tree-lined street.” I place my hands on my stomach and lay back on a patch of grass and smile up at the sky.

  “Are you wondering if you chose the wrong Ferro?” There’s a teasing tone in his voice, but it’s laced with a tension that tells me he really wants to know.

  I don’t look over at him. I know he’s sitting on his bike, looking like a modern god with that toned body, tight dark shirt, and the perfect dusting of stubble on his strong jaw. “No. I chose the right guy, he just didn’t choose me back.”

  “Avery—”

  Smiling, I say, “No, Sean. It’s the truth and it’s something that I need to realize. There’s no future for us. You’ve been saying that from day one, but I didn’t listen. I thought I could change you, or that you’d come around, but this house proves it—it shows how different we are and differences like that can’t be changed. They’re too big. The chasm is too wide. The only thing that moving forward will ensure is that one of us ends up at the bottom of the ravine, smashed to bits, and I seriously doubt I’m up for that right now.” Plus, I know I can’t fly and I’m not so stupid that I’d try.

  Sean slips off his bike and sits next to me. He doesn’t lay back and look at the way the leaves dapple the light and cast lacy shadows on the ground. I’d never expect him to even notice. It’s not that Sean’s oblivious, that’s not it. It’s more that he only pays attention to the important things in life. He’s paying attention to you, the little voice inside my head whispers. I tell her that she’s stupid and shove her back into the closet at the back of my head. She’ll have me picking out a wedding dress if I listen to her ideas. Idiot.

  To my surprise, Sean leans back in the grass and asks, “What are we looking at?”

  A smile spreads across my lips. I can’t hide how much it means to me. “My future. I want a house with a big maple tree and a grassy lawn. I want to lay on it in the summer and feel the blades of grass between my fingers and toes. I want the sensation of the cool dirt on my back as I try to figure out where the sky ends and the heavens begin. I want a toddler that runs out and jumps on my stomach, begging me to play. I want to take him to the beach and kiss his little toes.” My smile fades as I look over at him. “Do you ever feel like your life is right in front of you, but you have no idea how to step into it? I mean, it’s right there. There’s a guy that’s crazy about me who offered me all of these things and I said no.” I said no. I didn’t give that guy a chance. Marty wants the same things I do. That match would have made sense, and stepping into that life would be easy.

  Sean stiffens because he knows exactly who I’m talking about. “I thought you didn’t feel like that toward Marty?”

  I shrug. “Does it matter how I feel? He’s a great guy and we have fun together. I know he’d take care of me and give me everything I could ever want.” I speak to the branches at the base of the massive tree, wondering how horrible it would be to marry Marty. I’d get the house and the kids. I could have my life without being a call girl. Marty would take me in a heartbeat. I know he would. Turning my face to the side, I look at Sean. “Does it bother you to hear?”

  He’s quiet for a moment and then swallows hard. “I didn’t realize that he was so serious about you.”

  “He is. The guy is larger than life. He doesn’t do things small and I can’t help but notice that Marty wants me the way I want you. It’s easy to see. Irony’s a bitch, huh? Or is that karma? Either way, I’m screwed no matter how you look at it. The guy I want doesn’t want me, and the guy that wants me, well, he doesn’t compare to you.”

  Sean’s voice is flat. “I ruined your life.”

  Smiling softly, I glance over at him. “No, you didn’t.” Sean makes a face that says he doesn’t believe me. “No, seriously, you made it better. You made me see that I can choose to stay where I am or try to claw my way out. I plan on clawing, and it would have been nice if you were somehow factored into that equation, but I’ll take what I can get. That’s the way the world works. Besides, I’d rather have you as a friend than nothing at all.”

  Sean takes my hand in his, and the both of us lay there for a while as buddies. Amigos. Compadres. I can totally do this. I can ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach and the way my arm tingles because he’s holding my hand. Everything doesn’t have to be sexual, even though I want him that way. I won’t think about the fact that Sean didn’t correct me, that he didn’t say our relationship is nothing like mine and Marty’s, and that it’s not completely lopsided. No, I won’t think of any of those things. I’ll lay here and hold his hand, because that’s what he’s offered—his friendship.

  Yeah. Being stuck in the friend zone sucks.

  4

  Sean takes my new helmet and puts it on the desk. We’re in his tiny hotel room, which is nothing like the nice suite we had back in New York. I’m exhausted and flop down on the only bed. It looks like a double, which totally sucks. I guess I’m sleeping on the floor.

  Sean sits on the edge of the mattress, by my feet. “You can shower first. I’ll—” he stops talking and pulls his phone from his pocket. It buzzes again. Someone is texting him. Sean looks down at his phone and grimaces. “Okay, scratch that.” He smashes his lips together hard and glances over at me with a completely conflicted look.

  He curses and sends a text back before saying, “I need to go take care of something. If I leave you here to take a shower, will you actually take a shower? Or will you leave the room as soon as I walk away?”

  My mouth opens and my cheek twitches. An offended sound that has a lot of hard Ks scrapes the back of my throat before I manage to spit out, “I’m not an idiot.” My hands do this little loop-d-loop thing when I say it, which looks very idiotic but I’m too tired to care.

  Sean pinches the bridge of his nose, saying, “You sexted with someone and didn’t bother to confirm their identity.”

  Wow. Thanks. “Harsh much?” I glare at him, giving him my best evil eye, but Sean doesn’t look at me. “By the way, I did confirm the guy’s identity. How was I supposed to know that he lied?”

  Sean doesn’t state the obvious. Yeah, I skipped that part of the whole sexting experience. Fine, I’m an idiot and he’s too nice to say it to my face. Running his hands through his hair, Sean sighs and looks down at me. I’m still lying on the bed with my hands behind my head. “Avery, someone is gunning for you. This is serious, so please stay in the room. Don’t talk to anyone, don’t call anyone, and don’t do anything until I get back. Promise me?”

  “How long will you be gone?” I sit up and try to hide the worry I’m feeling. I didn’t expect Sean to leave me alone. Picking at my nail polish, I add, “I’m a little nervous.” I hated admitting that part, especially because it makes the turmoil Sean is feeling about leaving me ten times worse.

  “I can’t bring you with me or I would. I swear, I would.” He’s glancing down at me, but I don’t look at him. Sean leans over, taking my face in his hands. My pulse skyrockets as my skin burns under his hands. A current of sparks shoots through my stomach and into my chest, stealing my breath. It’s not fair that his touch conjures so much. I want to make Sean so lust ridden that he can’t think. I want him to gro
wl, whoop, or do whatever he does when he’s lost in the moment. It’s a luxury that he has denied himself, and I wish so badly that I could give it to him.

  Sean’s voice is tight when he speaks again. “Stay here. I’ll be back as soon as I can. It should be before morning.” He releases my cheeks and gives me a lopsided smirk. “You can sleep on the bed.”

  “Were you going to make me sleep on the floor?” I sit up and watch him pull his jacket on and pick up his helmet.

  “Of course. What guy wouldn’t want a beautiful woman at his feet?” He laughs and the sound makes me smile.

  I smack his thigh, as if he offended me, but he didn’t. Instead my mind derailed into Dirtyville again and I start thinking about what kind of things I could do to him if I were at his feet.

  “Stop it, Avery.” Sean laughs and shoves me. I fall sideways onto the bed.

  “I wasn’t thinking about you!”

  “Yeah, right. I know you weren’t thinking about Marty. Or Mel.”

  Raising my arm, I hold up a finger, like I’m making an important point while my face is still half buried in a pillow. “I’m not batting for that team.”

  “Which makes me really happy.” Sean is at the door and turns back to me. “I’ll bring dinner when I come back. No sexting. No clients. No Miss Black, and no anything.”

  I nearly choke. Pushing up on an elbow, I scoff, “No clients? You seriously think I’d take a client while you were gone? Sean!”

  Straight-faced, he says, “I was talking about me.” He winks and disappears through the door before I have a chance to hit him with my shoe.

  He’s teasing me. I know what he’s doing, and it won’t work because I refuse to have sex with him again. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t screw with him a little bit. There’s a new flat screen TV across from the bed. I glance at my phone and back at the TV as an idea forms.

  5

  The bed is hard and the room is dark, except for the flickering light of the TV. I’ve listened to my sexting videos too many times to count. I put them on an endless loop to mess with Sean when he comes back, but he hasn’t showed yet and the damn videos are just making me horny. Plastering a pillow over my head, I roll over and try to muffle the sounds of video-me coming again.

  I don’t know how much time has passed, but I must have dozed off because I never heard the door open. A hand lands on my bare shoulder and before I can see anything, I throw a punch and yelp.

  My wrist is caught in a vice-like grip before it collides with Sean’s face. He watches me as I try to cut through the sleep-induced haze. Words tumble out of my mouth before my brain checks them, “There are no hams!” Yeah. I don’t think that made sense. What the hell was I dreaming about? I blink again and try to yank my wrist away, but Sean doesn’t let go.

  “Hams?” He laughs, and then sits on the side of the bed. “Don’t worry, I’m not here to take your hams, Miss Smith. However, after viewing this little treat you left for me on the TV, I might be interested in sampling some of your other goods.”

  “Psh!” I throw a punch with my other hand and he grabs that one too. Sleepily, I blink at him and yawn, “I shoulda thought this through.” Sean has both my wrists and looks like he plans on devouring me. We never ate dinner. I’m allowed to dream of pork and bacon. Bacon would be good. “I don’t think you want to mess with a sleepy girl and her hams.”

  “What the hell were you dreaming about?”

  “Like it matters? I’m never going to hear the end of this, and every time I eat ham, I’m going to be aroused because of that stupid video.”

  Sean laughs so hard that I feel like the funniest person alive. Score. I’m amusing. It isn’t until he tugs my wrists to his chest and leans in close to my ear that I notice a spattering of something on his shirt. Since this is Sean, I doubt that it’s ketchup. Why does he have blood on his shirt? Did he get into a fight? What the hell was he doing?

  Sean’s voice has that husky tone that makes me crazy. “I loved that video. I wish you made it for me.”

  “I did. Sorta.”

  Sean lingers close to my lips and releases a slow breath. It makes me close my eyes. Every ounce of me wants to lean into him and let Sean do anything he wants, but this has to stop. When his lips touch the side of my face I nearly jump out of my skin. Sucking in a sharp breath, I try to pull away, but he doesn’t let me. Sean’s mouth drifts to my neck, one hot kiss at a time, and my resolve starts to soften. When did I become so easy?

  “Sean…” I manage to say his name, but it sounds too breathy, like I want him to keep going. So I try again. “Wait.”

  His grip on my wrists loosens as his face tips up from my neck. “Using the TV like that was cheating. I can hardly control myself around you, Avery. Do you know how hard it is to look at you and not touch you? When you laid on the grass today, it took every ounce of restraint to keep from taking you right there.” My face burns at the thought. I can’t help it. Sex in public places makes me bashful. Sean smashes his eyes closed before looking at me again. “Oh God, don’t do that. You’re killing me. How am I supposed to be around you and not have you? I’m so hard it hurts, Avery. I need you.”

  He presses me back into the bed and I feel how badly he wants me through his jeans. Sean presses his hands between my thighs, pushing my legs apart, and lays in between, rocking his hard body against mine. Since Mel drove off with all my clothes, I’m only wearing panties and a tee shirt, so there’s very little keeping us apart. Deep inside, my body reacts to him and pulsates. The heat between my legs demands his presence. I want him on me, in me, and the slow grinding is making me lose my mind. The video was such a mistake. I would have been able to tell him no easily before, but now I’m half asleep and very aroused. Plus, it’s Sean. His scent fills my head as he rocks against me and holds my wrists to the bed. How’d I end up on the bottom?

  Sean leans in for a kiss, and it kills me, but I manage to turn my face to the side. He lingers, allowing his hot breath to move across my skin before backing up. “Tell me.”

  It’s such a simple request, two words and no more, but I can’t do it. Besides, what am I supposed to say? ‘I’m over you, Sean Ferro. Go away.’ Like that’ll ever happen. I’m not over him at all and I’m rather thrilled to be under him at the moment. Fuck. I’m so mental. “I want you, but…”

  Sean grins and backs off, sitting down beside me. Rubbing his hands over his face, he sighs. “Now you have morals?”

  Darting upright in the bed, I’m wide awake and ready to chew him out. “Excuse me? I’ve always had morals!”

  Sean glances over at me, like he’s trying not to laugh. “Are you serious? You signed up to be a call girl. If you didn’t walk into Black’s and sign on the line—”

  “I’d already met you by the time I did that. I saw your picture, and then I signed.” Oh shit. That didn’t sound right. My face scrunches as I turn away from him and try to hide under the sheet.

  Sean swats the thin fabric away. The lights aren’t on and the TV is still playing that video. I can see my splayed legs behind his head, glowing like a pair of sexy antlers. “Come again?” he says, leaning closer to me. “Did you just say that the only reason you became a call girl was to get dates?”

  “No!”

  “Then what was it?”

  “To sleep with you, loser. Weren’t you listening?” I shove his arm, hard, but Sean barely moves. “I have morals. I do. I’m a very moralistic person.” Sean’s smiling at me and has a funny look on his face. It makes me squirm. I can’t tell what he’s thinking at all and that concerns me. I push his shoulder again, and say, “Stop it.”

  “I’m sorry. I stand corrected. You have morals. They’re a very strange set of idealistic codes, but you have them. Apparently I’m the only one in this relationship who is devoid of scruples.”

  “You’re not devoid of anything. You just put them away for a while.” I look down at my hand when I notice the reddish sticky substance on my palm. It wasn’t there before I s
hoved him. There’s more blood on his sleeve. My eyes flick up and lock with his blue gaze. Holding up my hand, I ask, “Is this blood? Tell me that you didn’t kill someone tonight. Because I’m pretty sure this isn’t yours.”

  Sean takes my bloody palm and pulls me off the bed. “I didn’t kill anyone. Someone was… You know what, forget it. It’s taken care of and I’d like to help you clean this off, if you’ll let me.” There’s a question in his tone.

  I don’t like this. I don’t know where he went or what he did. There are a few spatters of something dark on his shirt, at least it only seems like a few, but I can’t see very much with the lights out. Maybe I don’t want to know, and at the same time I do, because if Sean kicked someone’s ass it assures me that he can take care of me no matter what happens.

  I nod. It’s all the approval Sean needs.

  6

  He nods curtly and heads to the bathroom to turn on the shower. When he returns, he walks toward me like he knows exactly what he plans to do. Sean’s hands reach for the hem of my shirt, where they pause as he looks up into my eyes. My breath catches in my throat as my heart explodes, racing even faster than before. Not knowing what he’s doing, combined with that look, knocks the breath out of me. I can barely stand as he strips me.

  First, the shirt comes over my head and I fold my arms over my chest. I don’t mean to do it, but I can’t help myself. Sean is intimidating when he has this look in his eyes. It’s like he’s found a mouse to bat around and plans to keep the poor creature in play long enough to take what he wants. There’s a carnal side to him that scares me, because I know what he wants—what he needs. Sean’s taken it from me before and doing that again terrifies me. I wonder exactly what I just gave him permission to do.