by Lauren Wood
“Yeah, they needed some footage.”
I got a dirty look from the cameraman. I was adding more editing for later, but I didn’t care. I never had cared about the stupid show. It was about getting the girl, not the money and playing by the rules.
“So, what is this, besides cameras in my face while I’m wearing this?”
I hadn’t even noticed what she was wearing. “You look good in anything Deirdre.”
“Flattery will usually get you everywhere, but seriously, what’s going on?”
“Well, I had Leo put this together. I know that you wanted your own space and after seeing your place, I figured that you would be happier if you had a place to do your creative work. You can do your painting in here and your writing and clay work and everything else that you do. Leo brought in about everything that you can think of and a little bit more. I just want you to be happy here.”
She didn't know what to say but I could see that I had touched her. Leo had outdone himself of course, like he always did, but I wanted to believe that a little bit of that smile was for me. When she lost herself in my arms and we kissed, I knew that it wasn’t for the cameras. Nothing that she did was for the cameras.
Our lips met, and it was just as special as the first time. I don't think I was ever going to get sick of kissing her. It was never going to get old, but the camera man that had been mean mugging me before, ruined it. They knock something over in the background and made her realize that we were not alone. She pulled back and I was the one that was shooting dirty looks now.
We walked around the room while the camera was just behind us following us. I was never going to get used to that and when I knew that we were a little more stable, I wanted to ask her to pull out. I would personally give her the money if that was still an issue. I didn't want to think that it would be, but right now, I was just going to deal with it. But it was ruining the moment.
“I can't believe you did this Danny. This is perfect.”
“I just want you to be happy here Deirdre.”
“I am happy here with you Danny. I didn't think that this would work out, but it has turned into something that I never thought was possible.”
I thought of the poems that she had written about love and how she didn't believe in it. I wanted to think that maybe I had a hand in changing that. I wanted her to believe in love and to believe in us. I knew that no matter how this came to be, this was supposed to happen. We were supposed to be together and I wasn't going to call it fate, but it was something like that.
We kissed a bit more and talked for a time, while she looked around the room. The cameraman apparently decided they had enough footage and finally left. And left us alone in the room and she had a tear in her eye.
“Why are you upset?”
“Why are you so perfect?”
I asked her what she meant by that, but she just waved me off. Like I should already know. Sometimes I really didn't understand her, but I was hoping that it meant something good.
Chapter 84
Deirdre
The more time I spent with my husband, the more I fell in love with him. This was supposed to be a good thing but maybe it wasn't. If it was a good thing, then why was I so nervous?
“What's wrong baby?”
“I just hate doing these things.”
It had been about three months now since we got married, and every week me and Danny had to go down to the studio to do a little questionnaire thing. We would sit in a room by ourselves and they would ask us crazy questions and tape the answers. Most of the time, I felt like I was getting set up and I never knew how I supposed to answer it. They called them confessionals and it made it seem even worse.
“I don't like doing them either. You know that we don't have to keep going with this. I can buy you a restaurant tomorrow Deirdre.”
This wasn't the first time he had suggested it, but it was the first time that it sounded really good. There is something holding me back though. The whole reason that I wanted to do this was to get the restaurant, but I wanted it to be a restaurant that was clear of strings attached to it. I didn't want to owe him any money. I was still under the impression that this wasn't going to last, because nothing ever did. And when it was all over, I didn't want it to be for nothing. I wanted to walk away with a restaurant that was not attached to anything or anyone. I wanted it to be mine.
“It's not that bad Danny.”
“Why won't you let me do this for you?”
“I just I want to see this through Danny. We are a quarter of the way through this already. If we are going to be married anyways, what’s the big deal?”
He had never really bitched about it and I was thankful for that. I could see it in his face many times that he wasn't too happy about the situation. I knew that he had no real need to go to these tapings, so I was thankful that he did it. I know that he did it for me and I was appreciative of that.
“You’re right, it'll be over before we know it and then we can move on with our life.”
I smiled at him and a little part of me melted inside because I loved when he talked like that. He talked like we were going to be together for the rest of our lives and he was sure of it. I had never been so sure of anything and it certainly would never be something like love, that would make me feel so secure. I didn't feel secure, not at all.
At the moment, all I could think about was how good I had it with him. I knew in the back of my head, that it was going to change much, like all the love of all the people that I'd been around my whole life. Love never lasted.
We drove to the studio which was a big step up, because Danny was actually driving himself. He always had a driver take him everywhere and I was rather pleased that he had gotten rid of most of his help. I know that he still had an assistant that did pretty much anything that he wanted him to do and he still had the people at work, but at home at least, it was just us.
I leaned over to rest my head on his shoulder and he put his arm around me. These were the moments that I thought about the most and they were the ones that made me think that maybe I was wrong. Maybe love was real and what we had between us was something that could be likened to all of the romance books that I read in the past.
“It's going to be fine, Deirdre. We will go answer a few questions and be out of there in no time.”
“Already worried about the fact that it's going to start airing soon?”
There were several months in between the airing of the show and the beginning of it. Our wedding was about to be played in the next week or so and I was really nervous about it, but Danny didn't seem to care either way.
“This is what we signed up for Deirdre.”
Yes, but I didn’t like the reminder.
“I still can't believe you signed up for this.”
“I feel the same way a lot Deirdre, but I wouldn't change anything. This is what I had to do to get you and I'm willing to do far more than this if I have to, just as long as I can keep you.”
Everything he said was perfect and sometimes I had to think that it was too perfect. He always had the right thing to say and it just wasn't natural.
I didn't say much more until we got to the studio. I gave him a kiss and I told him that I would see him when he was done. We were never in the same room when they do the taping and I always wondered what they asked him. I could tell that a lot of the questions were to bait me and to get me to say something that would give them something to air, but did Danny know that as well? Was he playing into their hands or not? I guess I was going to find all that out when the episodes aired. I really wasn't looking forward to it. And never had been about the fame and fortune. Well the fortune anyways, but not the fame.
Making my way to the taping, I tried to clear my mind of everything. The questions were fast and made to trip me up. I didn’t want to embarrass myself too badly, so I had to make sure that I didn’t let them see me freak out.
When I got in there, I was as calm as I was going to get.
<
br /> “Good to see you Deirdre. I’m glad that the two of you are holding on.”
I didn’t know what that meant, but the receptionist just smiled without another explanation, like I was supposed to know what she was talking about. I really had no idea, but it put a sliver of doubt in the back of my mind that was sure to grow going forward.
“So just go on in. There will be someone in there in just a few minutes. It might be a little bit longer today because they want to get some footage for the upcoming season premier.”
I just agreed with a nod to my head and followed her through. I didn’t want to think about what would happen when it came out. I certainly wasn’t going to watch it. I would never be able to do so without letting it drive me crazy. I was a perfectionist that didn’t like attention. None of this was part of what I wanted. This was what I had to go through, to get to where I wanted to be.
Someone entered the room, but because I was already seated and had light beaming down at me into my eyes, I couldn’t see who it was. All I could hear was a voice.
“Deirdre, it’s good to see you. We just have a few questions.”
“Okay.”
My palms were sweating all of a sudden and I had no idea why I was having such a hard time with this. It was just questions and I didn’t have anything to hide.
“We wanted to start by asking you how things are going with you and your husband.”
I smiled at the question because that was something that I felt safe to talk about. Things were going great for me and Danny and I was secure in that. Everything else was up in the air, but we were solid. I knew that he was the man that I wanted to be with, no matter what. That was more than I’d ever had before and even though the loss of this feeling consumed me at times, I’d never been happier in all of my life.
“We are doing really good.”
“And how have you found living together?”
“Very well. We are closer than ever.”
“Have you learned about Danny?”
“Of course. We are around each other all the time, save for work. It would be hard not to know him by now.”
“But your husband works many late nights and extended hours, doesn’t he?”
There were warning bells going off in my head as she asked the questions, but she spun them out quickly, so that I felt obligated to answer with just as fast a response. The only difference was that the interviewer most likely had a cue card to tell her what to say and I was just winging it. It felt like I was being baited and I didn’t like the idea of why. What did she know that I didn’t know? What was she holding over the top of my head?
“Yes, he does work very hard.”
Chapter 85
Danny
We got out of the confessional interview and I could tell that something was bothering Deirdre. When she told me that she didn’t want to talk about it, I knew that It had to be something bad because she was never this quiet. Did Joe was the type that was only quiet when she was upset. Now I had to figure out what it was that she was upset about.
“So, what is going on Deirdre? What did they want to know?”
For a moment I didn't think she was going to answer me and when she finally looked at me, she had strange look in her eyes that I couldn't really put my finger on.
“Just the same old stuff. How we are getting along and if I think we're going to stay together. That sort of thing.”
“You just look different today.”
I don't know. I guess I have a lot of my mind. Is there anything that you need to tell me? You know before everything goes live and it's on TV?
It felt like she was alluding to something, but I wasn't sure what it was. I certainly hadn't done anything to tell her about, although I had been looking into different restaurants in the area. I wanted to get her started in the direction she wanted. She told me how she wanted a coffee shop place where artist could go and be creative. I wasn't really sure what that meant in real terms, but it gave me an idea of how much space she was looking for.
“Not that I can think of, why?”
She shrugged like it was no big deal, but I knew that it was more of a big deal than she was making it out to be. Deirdre was a lot of things, but dramatic wasn’t one of them.
“I don't know. I was just asking.”
I didn't like playing this game and instead of going back and forth for a while, I finally just asked her what it was that was going on. It was easier this way and if she gave me even half an answer it had to be better than this.
There is obviously something on your mind Deirdre. So why don't you just come out with it and make this a lot easier on both of us?”
“Why do you think I have something on my mind?”
“Because you can barely look me in my eyes and that usually means that you got something going on. Just tell me what it is.”
Sometimes talking to her was like pulling teeth. She would pull herself into some sort of shell, where nothing could reach her, not even me. It was frustrating to say the least, but at the same time I knew that it was worth it. There was obviously something going on and I was going to do everything I could to reassure her. Once in a while she needed a little reassurance.
“It was just some of the questions that they asked me today. It felt like they were fishing for information or trying to get reactions that are going to get me with later. I just wanted to know Danny. I just want to know what it is, so that I can prepare myself for it. You know that I don’t like surprises.”
For a moment I wracked my mind, trying to establish what it was that she was talking about. There really was no tell with her and the way things were going with me lately, I didn't even want to think about it.
“There is nothing to tell.”
“I mean, you know that they have been around us a lot in the last three months. It's not just when we here and do the official confessionals, but I think I’ve seen a couple of cameramen from the show when we were out and about as well. Once when I was at the gym, so we are being tailed too I think.”
“Was that in the contract?”
All that information bothered me, because I didn't like the idea that they were able to follow us around. I certainly wouldn’t have given that permission. I had too many things going on too many burners, that never needed to cross and certain things that didn't need to come out in public. I had been so focused on marrying Deirdre, that I hadn’t really thought about everything else, the consequences of my rash decision.
“I don't know. Why does it matter? Seems unapplied.”
“Are you okay with him following us around?
“I don't have anything to hide Danny, so yeah, why not? That is pretty much the whole point of this thing. We get married, we give them a show and we get a million dollars at the end of it.”
I wasn't going to argue with her right now, because it felt like a very bad time to do so. She was already on edge about something and just getting a straight answer out of her as to why she was upset, was hard enough. I certainly didn't want to jump into the water right now. It was boiling hot and frothing.
“Like I said before Deirdre. I have no idea what you're talking about. You know what I do every day, so I'm not too worried about what the show is trying to come up with. You know that they are going to spin it whatever way they can to make it more interesting. I'm fine with that, aren't you?”
“Of course, is just... With your record.”
I waited for her to finish, but I could see that she didn't have the guts to. It was just as well, as far as I was concerned because I had a feeling I knew where this was going.
“I do have a record. I've been with quite a few women, but none of that matters now. They are all in the past and I don't see why it should matter in the present.”
“Because it matters. How do you not know that?”
Frustration was hitting me very quickly, because this was a no-win situation. She was upset about something that the interviewer had asked her, but I had no idea what it wa
s. She also seemed to have no desire to tell me what it was, so I was left in the dark, a place where I didn’t want to be.
“I can’t change what I did before I met you Deirdre. Surely you have to see that. I mean, what do you want me to say?”
“I know that you think I’m being silly, but it’s a lot of women. I did do an internet search on you and I found a lot more than I thought I would.”
“I’ve had my moments.”
“So, I’ve read.”
I groaned out loud because the damn confessional had ruined the day. I don’t even know what happened, but it certainly affected her in a big way. Now I was going to have explain the past that until now, I never really worried about.
She had changed everything, and this was going to be a long conversation.
The conversation went on until long into the night. I thought we had it all worked out and I had assured her enough I hoped. I wanted her to have faith in me and believe me, but I wasn’t sure how it was all going to work out. It was hard for me to imagine it, but there was something very peaceful about how she laid in my arms. It was a moment where nothing could go wrong.
Then my phone started to blow up and after about the fourth set of rings, I knew that something was going to be majorly wrong. It wasn’t going to be good, whatever it was.
Slipping us from around Deirdre, I went to the phone because I wanted it to stop ringing, as much as I wanted to know what was going on. Something was, or there wouldn’t be so many people calling me on this phone, at this time of night. I steeled myself for what was going to come next.
It wasn’t enough.
Chapter 86
Deirdre
“I thought we agreed that we had to go to work like grown-ups?”
“I did say that, but that doesn’t mean that we have to.”
“So where is it that you want to go, that is so important that you wanted to ditch work?”
