Irregular Heartbeat

by Chris Zett

  As if to prove Diana’s observation, Emily withdrew her hand and stuffed it into the pocket of her jeans. “So, Alissa?”

  They continued down the street, and Diana accepted the redirect. “My best friend in high school. I thought she liked to hang out at the music store with me. You know, because of the music selection. And my witty company.” She sighed dramatically and rolled her eyes. “I was completely oblivious to her attraction to the clerk and couldn’t understand what she saw in him. I mean he was really old, at least twenty, and into grunge.”

  They both laughed, and the levity eased Diana’s tension. Whatever Emily wanted to talk about couldn’t be that bad.

  The comfortable silence lasted until they’d reached Diana’s car.

  Diana looked around but couldn’t find a good spot for an important conversation. “Why don’t I drive you home and then we’ll talk?” She pulled the keys from her jacket and unlocked the car with a press of the button.

  “Okay.” Emily opened the passenger-side door and got in.

  The silence on the short drive to Emily’s apartment was anything but comfortable. Diana parked in front of the building next to a streetlight and switched off the engine. “Should we go inside?”

  “No, it won’t take long.” Emily unfastened her seat belt but kept hold of the buckle. “I want to apologize for what happened Thursday night.” Her voice was as stiff as her posture.

  Diana leaned forward and reached for her arm but stopped short of actually touching her. “You don’t need to apologize.”

  “Yes, I do. My conduct was highly unprofessional, and I’ll make sure it won’t happen again.” She swallowed several times. “I’m your mentor. You didn’t need to see me breaking down. Comforting me isn’t part of your duties, and I’m sorry I imposed on you.”

  “That wasn’t about my duties, and you certainly weren’t imposing on me. You were hurting. I wanted to help.” The memory of the surge of warmth and affection that had accompanied their hug colored her tone, and Diana did nothing to hide it. “Is this about the kiss?”

  Emily froze and stared at her, unblinking.

  Mesmerized by the streetlight reflected in the gray eyes, Diana waited. They looked like dark pools of molten silver.

  “I’m sorry that I kissed you.” The whisper was barely audible and suffused with emotions Diana couldn’t identify.

  “I’m not.” This time, Diana touched Emily’s arm. She needed the connection, and even though the tendons and muscles were tight under her fingers as she still clutched the seat belt, Emily didn’t withdraw. “But didn’t I kiss you first?” She risked a little teasing to defuse the tension.

  A hint of a smile softened Emily’s lips, and her arm relaxed beneath Diana’s fingers. “That’s beside the point. It’s just important that it won’t happen again.”

  “Why?” Thursday evening, the attraction had seemed mutual.

  Emily released her death grip and the seat belt shot back with a snap. “We work together. I’m your mentor. We need boundaries.”

  All good reasons. But the absence of the most crucial argument was noticeable. Emily hadn’t said she didn’t want to kiss her again. “Working together isn’t ideal for dating, but I think we could find a way to handle that.”

  “No.” Emily shook her head and pulled her arm away. “Clear lines between work and personal life are essential.”

  Diana didn’t believe that, but she had to respect Emily’s choice. The sense of loss about what might have been swirled in the pit of her stomach. “Okay, if it’s that important to you, we’ll do it your way.” She smiled to show she wouldn’t hold it against her, even though it hurt. “But if you ever want to revisit that conversation, let me know.”

  “Thank you.” She opened the door. “See you at work.”

  “Wait.” Diana couldn’t resist pushing for a little more than polite co-workers. “What about friendship?”

  One foot already outside of the car, Emily turned back to her. “What do you mean?”

  “Is friendship, not hanging out and hoping for more, just friendship something we could do? Or would that interfere with work too?”

  “I don’t know.” Emily got out and straightened her jacket. Her face wasn’t visible anymore, and Diana strained to hear her reply. “But we could try.” She pushed the door closed and hurried to her apartment.

  Diana slumped back in her seat and closed her eyes. She needed a moment to digest the talk before she could drive.

  Emily placed her empty tea mug on the wooden crate that served as a table and leaned back in the plush faux leather chair. Today she didn’t mind her best friend’s tendency to arrive late. She looked at her reflection in the window of the stylish coffee place to make sure her makeup still hid the dark rings under her eyes. She had barely slept last night in a futile attempt to organize her jumbled emotions and get them back under control as the talk hadn’t brought her peace of mind. Jen would probably know that something was off the minute she saw her.

  What had she been thinking yesterday? Not much, obviously; her actions had been guided by her feelings instead. She’d followed a sketchy plan to seek out Diana at the Rainbow Home, and then events had escalated out of her control. Their drumming session had led to an impromptu dinner, and in the end, she’d accepted the offer of friendship.

  Why had she done that? She had wanted to stay away from further temptation, not invite it into her life as a friend. Her only excuse was that it had felt right. Warmth spread in her abdomen at the thought of spending more time with Diana.

  She groaned. That was absurd. She was a grown woman focused on her career and not a hormonal teenager. She would overcome this silly crush. Now.

  “Why do you look as if you want to kill someone? I’m not that late.” Jen bent down to kiss her cheek, slipped out of her wet coat, and carefully hung it over the back of a chair.

  Emily flinched. She hadn’t noticed Jen approach. And when had it started to rain? She tried to hide behind a smile. “No, you’re not that late. I was just thinking about something, um, at work. Nothing to do with you.”

  “Good. I’m starving. Did you order?” Jen focused on the menu.

  Good, a change of topic. Not that it would keep them occupied for long. “No, not yet. I’m not that hungry.”

  Jen focused on her for a moment and then returned to studying the breakfast options.

  Heat shot into Emily’s face, and she hoped she could fight off the blush before Jen finished reading. She needed a distraction.

  “How was your interview-slash-date thing yesterday?” Emily asked. The dark rings under Jen’s eyes matched hers, but she suspected another cause for the lack of sleep. “You look…satisfied.”

  Jen half groaned and half laughed. “That’s a terrible pun. But yes, thank you, I am.”

  The waitress came to take their orders.

  Emily shook her head at the extensive list Jen ordered. A fruit salad was probably enough. If she wanted more, she could always steal something from her friend’s plate.

  “Will you see her again?” Emily hoped not. Her best friend in bed with Diana’s best friend sounded like a recipe for disaster. Plus, Mel was really nice, and she didn’t like the thought that Jen used her for interviews.

  “Maybe.” Jen doodled invisible lines with her finger on the table. “I’d like to. We had fun. And not just in the bedroom.”

  “That’s great.” Emily tried to mask her trepidation. “What did you do? Just meet for the interview, or did you go somewhere?”

  “We met at a club before she played and talked about her career. After the concert, I met the rest of the band, and we went dancing together.” Jen grinned and waggled her eyebrows. “And then she showed me her record collection.”

  Despite her reservations, Emily had to laugh. “Really? That was the best line she had?”

  “It wasn�
�t just a line. We really looked at her collection. It’s huge. And we talked for hours about music, our favorite bands and songs, and everything. I think I’ve found my match in obscure music knowledge.” She yawned and stretched her arms behind her head. “Then, of course, we had mind-blowing sex for the rest of the night.”

  “Of course. I wouldn’t expect anything less on a Saturday night for you.” Emily grinned to show she was teasing.

  “And you sat alone at home and read a few thrilling articles about broken bodies, right?” Jen teased right back.

  “No, I went out to dinner.” Shit. Why had she said that? That was the one topic she had wanted to avoid at all costs.

  “Oh, now that’s something new. Alone? Or did you have a date?” Jen looked genuinely interested, and Emily couldn’t lie to her.

  “No, not a date. Just a friendly dinner with a colleague.” Emily’s lips formed an involuntary smile at the thought of the evening.

  “Hey, that’s fantastic. What’s your not-really-a-date’s name?”

  “Diana. But we are just friends. She’s a resident. Not my date.” Emily hoped she did a better job of denying it today than yesterday.

  “Mmmh. Just a friend.” Jen’s eyes sparkled with the same predatory gleam she had for one of her stories. “Because she is a resident.”

  Emily frantically searched for a distraction. It came in the form of the waitress carrying a full tray. When she had distributed the plates, Jen dug into her eggs and Emily nibbled on a piece of melon.

  “Can I steal a pancake?” Emily’s fork hovered over the stack.

  “Sure. Appetite returned? Where did you eat yesterday?”

  That question was harmless enough. “A Vietnamese restaurant.”

  “No romantic candlelight for the not-really-date?”

  Okay. Not so harmless.

  “Her best friend ate with us.” And then went on to spend the night with you. Emily searched her fruit salad for another strawberry and avoided looking at Jen. She was afraid of what Jen would read in her eyes.

  “So it’s serious if you’re meeting her friends already.” Jen stole a grape from Emily’s bowl.

  “I know what you’re doing. You’re fishing for sordid details. There are none. We’re just friends, maybe not even that. We work together. We both volunteer at the Rainbow Home. Nothing else. Stop interrogating me!” Emily tried hard to keep her tone even. If she raised her voice, Jen would know that something more was going on, but would that be so bad? She could probably offer a different perspective, with her massive experience in mixing work and pleasure. But what if she asked for more details? What if she wanted to meet her?

  Emily suddenly had trouble breathing. She pulled at the collar of her shirt. Why was it so hot in here?

  Jen reached over and placed her hand on Emily’s arm. “Hey, don’t freak out. I’m not interrogating you. I’m just being your best friend, and important parts of the job description are nosy questions and friendly teasing.”

  Emily let go of her collar and squeezed Jen’s hand that still lingered on her arm. It reminded her of Diana’s touch last night, minus the sparks and the tingling. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m so out of it today.” Her presence was soothing as usual, and Emily slowly relaxed. She was overthinking this. Jen was her best friend, and she trusted her.

  Jen took a minute to hold Emily’s gaze before she withdrew her hand. “We’re good?”

  “Yeah, we are.” Emily’s mouth was dry, and she took another bite of the melon. “The truth is, I’m freaking out because of Diana, not because of your questions.”

  “Fair enough. Do you want to tell me why?” Jen radiated the serenity Emily lacked.

  “I’m not sure what I’m feeling, exactly. I think I might be interested in her. In more than friendship. But I’m absolutely sure it isn’t a good idea. She is my resident; I’m her mentor and responsible for her. It’s not right. Is it?” Emily was talking too fast and too loud. She took a deep breath. It didn’t help. “Oh shit. I’m a mess.” She closed her eyes and massaged them with both hands.

  “Why is it a problem if she’s a resident? She’s not a student, but a fellow doctor. You’re not responsible for her grades or something like that. You’re not her boss; you can’t fire her. And you’re both adults. Is she much younger, is that it?” Jen sounded so logical she almost convinced Emily. But things were never that easy and straightforward.

  “No. She’s our age. Maybe even a year or two older. She took a break after med school.” This was coming too close to the part of Diana’s past that should stay hidden from Jen. Emily needed to direct the focus away from Diana and back to herself. “As her mentor and supervisor, I don’t have any direct influence on her residency, but things would be awkward at work if I misjudged her intentions. Or worse, if things don’t work out between us.” And why should they? Emily didn’t have any valuable experience in sustaining a relationship.

  Jen’s brow wrinkled. “Are you afraid of being accused of sexual harassment?”

  “No, no. Not really. It’s too late for that.” Emily grimaced. “I kissed her. She kissed me back. But I told her yesterday that we need to keep things platonic between us.”

  “Kiss?” Jen squealed like a teenager. “Why don’t you give her a chance? Just see where it goes? You must be really, really interested in her to do something like that. That’s not typical for you. Usually, you shove your interest behind a wall of rationalizations, lock the door, and throw away the key.”

  Everything Jen said was true. Diana made her nervous, but in a good way. Tingling, heat, and goose bumps appeared on various parts of her body at inconvenient times. It should have been a mortifying experience. She should have been angry at the loss of control over her physical reactions. But she wasn’t. She enjoyed the anticipation and uncertainty as if she stood on the edge of a pier and the next step would show her if the water was cold or warm. Jen had read her correctly; she was simply happy whenever she thought of Diana.

  Emily sighed. If only she could give in and explore the attraction. But she was an adult with responsibilities, and work had to come first. That wasn’t a rationalization; that was a fact.

  Chapter 11

  “I have meningitis. I could have died waiting here for you!” The middle-aged man didn’t even wait for Diana to introduce herself.

  Diana sighed. He wasn’t the first patient with a temper today and probably wouldn’t be the last. The ED was swamped with people who thought they were dying, but so far she hadn’t found anything more serious than the flu. She consulted the notes the nurse had taken. Headache, sore throat, stiff joints. Yep, another summer flu victim. “Okay, Mr. Derris. Could you please tell me your symptoms?”

  “No need for that. I’ve told you, I’ve meningitis and I need antibiotics ASAP. And ICU treatment.” The patient stabbed the air with his finger and nodded with every word that was important to him.

  Diana suppressed another sigh. No one with meningitis would move their head like this. “I can reassure you that meningitis is a very rare condition and highly unlikely in your case, as you show an unrestricted movement of your head. What is your main complaint? A headache?”

  “Don’t you lecture me! I have a daughter your age, and I’m old enough to know my own body. I want to speak to your supervisor now, or I’ll call my lawyer.”

  On a normal day, Diana would have tried to talk him down, but today she was out of patience. “I’ll be right back.” She ducked out of the cubicle to find Emily.

  As she called Emily’s work phone, it rang behind a curtain a few cubicles down. She hung up and went over.

  “Knock, knock. Dr. Barnes?” Diana opened the curtain just enough to stick her head in. She nearly fell backward at the sight of the two figures sitting next to each other.

  A sobbing woman had buried her head on Emily’s shoulder so that only her lank
hair was visible. Her dirt-streaked sweatshirt and jeans hung on her slight frame as if they’d belonged to a much larger person.

  No sign of Emily’s customary distance remained as she murmured words of comfort. She held her close without showing reluctance to touch the dirty clothes.

  A wave of warmth swept over Diana. She had always suspected that Emily cared a lot about her patients, but until now she’d always hidden it behind her professionalism. Seeing her like this only raised Diana’s respect for her.

  Emily looked up and acknowledged Diana with a nod, then extricated herself from the embrace. “Nadia, honey, I need to go and check something.” She stroked a wet cheek and carefully pushed a streak of the young woman’s tangled hair behind her ear. “I’ll be back. Do you want me to send Freddy in?”

  The girl just nodded and wiped at her face with the too-long sleeves of her sweatshirt. She was even younger than Diana had suspected, maybe thirteen or fourteen.

  Emily was wearing too much makeup, as usual, but it couldn’t mask the dark rings under her eyes. Her normally pristine scrubs were crumpled and stained by the girl’s tears.

  The urge to wrap Emily in an embrace was strong, but Diana fought the inappropriate impulse. It wouldn’t be welcome anyway. As soon as Emily’s back was to her patient, her mask of aloofness slid back into place and hid her emotions.

  After she’d left the cubicle, Emily stopped a passing nurse and asked her to get the girl’s friend from the waiting room. By the description, she was obviously talking about the same Freddy Diana knew from the shelter.

  What did Freddy have to do with the girl? And what was wrong with her? Should she offer her help? No, Emily would tell her if she needed her.

  “What can I do for you?” Emily turned toward Diana with a tired smile.

  Diana forced herself to focus on her own case. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’ve another flu patient with dangerous semi-knowledge in room four. Dr. Internet said he has meningitis, and he insists on talking to my supervisor because I questioned his diagnosis.”