The Unwelcome Guest

by Amanda Robson

  Deposited at the front gate of Wellbeck House, I stall as the gate code eludes me. Then it begins to whisper slowly across my mind. I manage to press it into the control and the gate slides open. I tiptoe across the drive. I don’t want to wake Mother, or Hayley or the children. But I do want to wake you, Saffron. I want to wake you, to hold you. To tell you I love you. The key to the front door struggles against my fingers. I fight it and fight it, until eventually it turns. I push the door open and creep upstairs.

  Into our bedroom. I snap on the light. My heart fills with happiness. You are here, my angel, my love. But you sit up in bed, wide-eyed and snarling. Like a tigress, with bared teeth. Not the sweet pretty woman I love.

  ‘Where have you been?’ you bark.

  ‘Out for a drink with Aiden,’ I hear myself slur.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘I did. I texted you. I called you. You didn’t reply. I thought you’d stayed over at Julie’s. That’s why I went out.’ My words are running together. Indistinct. Heavy.

  ‘I wouldn’t do that without letting you know.’ There is a pause. ‘Now you’re back, how about telling me why you’ve been texting Julie?’

  ‘I … haven’t.’

  ‘Don’t lie. I know you have.’

  I fall backwards onto the bed. The world turns black.

  I wake up with my head hammering so hard that my jawbones ache. My mouth tastes of charcoal embers. I look down and see that I am still fully dressed. You are lying next to me. As soon as you see that I am awake you roll over, on top of me. The pressure of your body against mine makes me feel sick. You begin to thump me, to pummel me.

  ‘What is it, Saffron? What’s the matter with you?’ I ask.

  ‘You’re lying to me. You have been texting Julie and I want you to tell me why.’

  ‘I have not been texting Julie.’

  The impact of your punches increases. Slower. Harder. More painful.

  ‘Stop it, Saffron,’ I beg. ‘I’m feeling sick.’

  You are sitting on my stomach now. ‘So am I. Sick of you. Sick of your lies. Tell me why you’ve been texting her.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘So you admit you have?’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ I push you away and roll off the bed. I pull myself up to standing, so weak I fear I might faint. Nausea overcomes me. I dash to the bathroom and vomit.

  24

  Hayley

  You have a hangover, and so do I, but I won’t mention that in my diary. My mother would disapprove of me drinking and working for a family who also overdo it with booze. I’ve given you ibuprofen and paracetamol. Lemon and ginger tea. You have smiled weakly and thanked me, but the smile didn’t reach your eyes. Your eyes have black bags beneath them, which make you look like a panda.

  Saffron has taken the boys out to Windsor Great Park, but you weren’t feeling up to joining them. Caprice is having a quiet day napping in her room. Instead of having a day with your family you are lying on the sofa in the drawing room watching TV. The Andrew Marr Show. Politics London. A Very Country Christmas. When it comes to Sunday Worship you finally turn the television off.

  I have stepped into the drawing room to check you are all right. I stand looking down at you, wrapped in a furry blanket that belongs to Harry, eyes wide and woebegone. You haven’t shaved. You are paler than pale.

  ‘Can I get you anything?’ I ask. ‘Anything at all I can do to help?’

  ‘You are so comforting.’ You smile. ‘You can help me by working here forever. What can I do to bribe you to stay and not go back to New Zealand?’

  My heart lurches but I laugh. ‘You shouldn’t have said that. Nearer the time, I might take you up on it. Make you pay for an educational course to extend my visa.’

  25

  Saffron

  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I am trawling through my working week, watching Julie and Miles like a hawk. Being polite but distant. This week I have been keeping my office door open so that I can hear Julie answering the phone, able to keep myself totally aware of who she is talking to. The office supply company. An electrician who is coming to put some new lights in. Today she is looking extra-glamorous. Slightly more make-up than usual. Slightly shorter skirt. Perhaps I should follow her at lunchtime. Perhaps today is the day the lovers will make contact.

  Julie emerges from behind the reception desk and saunters towards the toilet. As the door closes behind her I walk out of my office to hover by the reception desk. She has left her iPhone on the counter. It buzzes. I can’t help myself. I pick it up. She has a new text.

  Promise you won’t tell her yet. She’ll find out soon enough.

  Love Miles x

  ‘Love Miles’ and a kiss. Part of me dies inside. I have loved Miles for so long. Trusted him with every aspect of my life. This is too much. My life will fragment without Miles.

  No. No, I tell myself. I am an educated woman. A survivor. I can survive without a man. I can survive without Miles. But I stand by the reception counter, staring at this week’s flower arrangement of asters and lilies, feeling empty and bereft.

  I hear heels click across porcelain flooring. I drop the phone and look up. Julie is walking towards me, flashing her white-toothed smile.

  ‘Are you OK, Saffron? What can I do to help?’ she asks.

  ‘Nothing really. I just … I just …’

  Her smile has dissolved. She is staring at me, neck stretched and frowning as she picks up her phone and puts it in her pocket, waiting pointedly for me to go.

  26

  Aiden

  I’m ringing the doorbell of Wellbeck House. Just passing on the way back from a business trip.

  You open the door, Saffron, and for once your face lights up when you see me. You are looking particularly good this evening. Dishevelled and sexy. Your tumbled out of bed look really turns me on. I wish it was my bed you’d tumbled out of.

  ‘Oh, Aiden, how good to see you. I could do with some company.’

  I step into the hallway and follow you into the drawing room.

  ‘I’m just having a G&T. Can I get you anything?’

  ‘I’ll have one too. Thank you.’

  I watch you as you prepare my drink at the cocktail cabinet. Your hand shakes a little as you select a crystal tumbler, as you pour the Bombay Sapphire, as you add ice and lime and Fever-Tree. As you turn and hand me the glass, I realise that your dishevelled look is partly because you’ve been crying.

  We sit next to one another on the sofa and sip our drinks. ‘What’s the matter, Saffron? Where is everyone tonight?’ I ask.

  ‘Caprice is in her room watching a film, thank God. Hayley has gone to the pub with Jono.’ There is a pause. ‘And Miles …’ You snivel and tears well in your eyes.

  ‘And Miles?’ I prompt gently.

  ‘He went to the gym, but his car broke down. He’s waiting for the AA to come and fix it. Or so he says.’

  ‘What do you mean, “or so he says”?’

  ‘Oh, Aiden, I’m so worried about Miles and Julie. I think you’re right. Love like that doesn’t disappear. I know they’ve been texting each other. But Miles denies it.’

  I smile inside and shake my head slowly. ‘I did try and warn you, Saffron.’

  27

  Saffron

  Aiden is sitting on the sofa next to me. The gin has gone to my head. I shouldn’t have drunk so much on an empty stomach, but Aiden kept topping me up. A film is running on the TV in front of us. I don’t know what film. I’m not following it; I can’t understand the dialogue. I’m muzzy-headed, as if I’m viewing the world through misted glass.

  Miles loves Julie. Julie loves Miles. Miles wasn’t at the gym. He is out with her tonight. He is so late back they must have booked into a hotel.

  These words keep repeating in my head, growing louder and louder, faster and faster. Aiden is pressing against me. His arm slips around me. He is trying to kiss me.

  Miles loves Julie. Julie loves Miles. Trying to kiss me
. My mouth is closed. I open it. I’m kissing him back now. It’s so long since I have kissed anyone except Miles. It feels good. Different. Harder. Sexy.

  We continue to kiss but suddenly I’m not enjoying it. It is too hard, too ferocious. Aiden is not the gentle man I love. I pull away and look up. Miles is standing in the doorway watching us. I see him through a window of mist.

  28

  Miles

  I’m standing in the doorway of our drawing room. Watching you, Saffron. Is it really you? The woman I love, snogging my brother. Stuck to him like glue. It can’t be real. But you open your azure eyes to look at me, and my heart stops as I realise it is true.

  ‘Miles, you’re back,’ you say, slurring your words.

  You disentangle yourself and stand up. You walk towards me, eyes glazed. As you move closer you stumble. You are drunk. Very drunk.

  ‘I’m going to bed,’ you mumble as you push past me.

  29

  Saffron

  The room spins around me as I stand up and walk towards Miles. Slowly. Slowly. Faster. Faster.

  ‘I’m going to bed,’ I mutter.

  Slowly. Slowly. Faster. Faster. I am moving through a vortex. I negotiate the hallway, and holding on to the banister, I drag myself upstairs. Fully clothed I collapse onto our bed. Our bedroom is no longer a room, but a lightship taking me into space.

  30

  Miles

  ‘All right, mate?’ Aiden says as he stands up. The shifty bastard. Cocky. Smug.

  All right, mate? It’s not all right. He is no longer my mate. The world turns red as I step towards him and punch him in the face.

  31

  Aiden

  I fall back on the sofa, writhing in pain. I do not punch him back. I know I deserve this. It was worth it, Saffron, for the feel of your soft, sweet lips against mine.

  ‘Don’t blame me,’ I yelp. ‘You need to talk to Saffron.’

  ‘Don’t tell me what to do,’ Miles hisses. ‘I’ll talk to her tomorrow. Right now, she looks as if she’s off her head. She must be, to be dallying with you.’ He widens his nostrils in disgust. ‘Piss off, Aiden. Get out of my house.’

  ‘As long as you don’t punch me again, when I walk past.’

  I watch his fist clench. ‘I can’t promise that,’ he snarls.

  32

  Saffron

  I wake up in the morning, head pounding, mouth like sandpaper. My body feels heavy with guilt as I remember kissing Aiden. Enjoying the taste of someone different, just for a few seconds, until it felt wrong. Aggressive. Claustrophobic. Pulling away, seeing Miles watching us.

  Miles. I put my arm out to touch him, but his side of the bed is empty. The duvet is smooth. He hasn’t slept here.

  Slowly, carefully, I manoeuvre my fragile body out of bed, by planting my feet firmly on the floor and pulling myself to standing. I’ve still got my shoes on. Oh my God, I was so off my head. I need to talk to Miles and explain everything. Beg him to tell me what is happening with Julie.

  I drag my body to the bathroom. I clean my teeth, smooth my clothes down and brush my hair, then set off in search of my husband. But as soon as I set foot on the landing, I hear Harry calling.

  ‘Mummy. Mummy.’ His voice is strident and plaintive.

  I step into his Thomas the Tank Engine themed bedroom. He jumps out of bed, grabs my legs and hugs them. I bend down and put my arms around him, but the sudden movement exacerbates my headache and I feel sick. As soon as my hug has satisfied him, I pull away.

  ‘Why don’t you go and find Ben? Watch a video in the playroom. I need to talk to Daddy about something, then I’ll come and fetch you. We can have breakfast together.’

  ‘Please may we have chocolate croissants?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Harry puts his head on one side and looks at me, wide-eyed. ‘Even though it’s not Saturday?’

  ‘As long as you let me have a quick chat with Daddy, that’s fine, yes.’

  I hold his hand and we walk onto the landing together. I drop his hand and bend down to kiss his cheek.

  ‘See you soon.’

  He pads off towards Ben’s room. I stride into the guest room, where Miles sleeps when he is upset. I find him fast asleep, lying beneath white Egyptian cotton, breathing deeply, slowly, heavily. I sit on the bed, beside him. He stirs.

  ‘Miles, we need to talk.’

  He sits up. His face is ravaged. Grief-stricken. The only time I have ever seen him look like that is when his mother told him his father had died.

  ‘We certainly do. What happened?’ he asks.

  His voice is broken. I gasp for breath. ‘I thought you were out with Julie.’

  ‘Why would you think that?’ he shouts, the veins at his temples pulsating. ‘How many times do I have to tell you, Julie and I were over years and years ago. Before I even met you. You need therapy if you can’t accept that.’

  ‘Ask your mother then. Ask Aiden.’

  ‘What have they got to do with it?’ he hisses through clenched teeth.

  ‘Your mother said you were infatuated with her. She told me you were on the phone to her last week.’

  His body stiffens. He shakes his head. ‘My mother wouldn’t make up lies like that.’

  ‘Wouldn’t she?’ I ask. ‘So I’m the liar, am I? At least I know where I stand.’

  His lips tighten. ‘And what did Aiden say?’

  ‘That love like yours and Julie’s never disappears.’

  ‘He didn’t think that when he married her.’

  ‘That sounds bitter. You do still care about her.’

  He raises his eyes to the ceiling. ‘And all this nonsense is your excuse for kissing Aiden?’

  ‘I was very, very, drunk and obsessing about the fact that you didn’t love me.’

  ‘It’s all an excuse. You looked as if you were enjoying it.’

  I put my hand on his arm and he stiffens. ‘I wasn’t.’

  He pulls away from me. ‘You’re lying. Please don’t touch me. If you weren’t enjoying it, why were you doing it?’ He shakes his head. ‘You know I’ve always told you I couldn’t cope with infidelity. How could you do this to me? And with my brother. I feel bereft. Betrayed by both of you.’

  ‘Please forgive me, Miles. I love you so much.’

  ‘This has broken my heart, Saffron. If you must know, Julie and I have been texting because a friend of hers is a high-profile jeweller. Julie has arranged for her to commission the solid silver collar necklace you always wanted, you know the one, with circles like dollars linked together, and matching earrings, at a substantial discount. We were lying about the texts because we wanted it to be a nice surprise.’

  He pulls a box out from a drawer in the bedside table and hurls it at me. I step aside. The box smashes onto the floor. Thousands of pounds’ worth of designer necklace spills across the floor in front of me. The necklace that I have seen at jewellery fairs and craved for so long.

  ‘You don’t trust me, and now I don’t trust you.’ He pauses for breath. ‘I don’t want you near me. Get out. Leave me alone.’

  33

  Caprice

  Miles is shouting. Saffron is shouting. One of them mentions Julie.

  ‘Get out. Leave me alone.’

  The noise is coming from the guest room, which means they didn’t sleep together last night.

  Good. Good. The seeds of envy that I planted are putting down some roots at last.

  34

  Miles

  ‘I don’t want you near me. Get out. Leave me alone.’

  Your shoulders fall. Your face diminishes. ‘I love you, Miles. More than anything in the world. Please forgive me. Please tell me we can move on from this.’

  Part of me wants to hold you and say, Yes. Of course we can move through this. We love each other more than anything. And that means we can get through anything together. But I can’t. My body and my mind ache with your betrayal.

  ‘I’m not sure I can ever forgive you. Please leave me a
lone. Please do as I ask.’

  You turn away from me, and leave the room fighting for breath between sobs.

  I try to close my mind to your crying. I shower, dress in the same clothes that I wore yesterday so as not to go anywhere near our bedroom. I go downstairs to say goodbye to our children. They are in the kitchen, eating chocolate croissants, with Hayley. How could you do this to them? To our family? Barely aware of where I am, I drive to work like an automaton.

  In my office, I try to read an article on moral philosophy. The words on the page vibrate in front of me. The edges of the letters become blurred. All I can think of is you. The day I first saw you, in a tutorial. Your face turned towards me. I had never seen anyone so beautiful. As soon as I saw you I wanted you, with a longing and a passion I had not known before.

  On our wedding day, my heart soared with happiness, as I watched you walk towards me wrapped in creamy silk. Your perfect sculptured face smiling into mine as you lifted your veil. Aiden stood beside me, my best man.

  Aiden.

  I want to punch him again. Pulverise his face.

  I put my head in my hands and try and contemplate my life without you, Saffron. That thought makes the pain I’m suffering intensify. I try and imagine who I have ever met who might have made me happier. And the truth is there is no one. There never has been anyone else for me. Whatever has happened between us, I need you. Whatever happens between us, that will always be the case.

  35

  Saffron

  I cannot go to the office. I feel too low to go anywhere today. My life is over. I wish I was dead. I wish I had the courage to kill myself. Feeling as low as this is dangerous. The only safe thing for me to do is stay at home, in bed.

  My mobile rings. I do not want to pick up, but when I see it’s Ted I force myself.