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BothAnd

Page 5

by Justin Blasdel

RENE

  Who are you?

  KIERKEGAARD stands.

  KIERKEGAARD

  My name is...let me think of one...Ah! Let's go with Kierkegaard...for no particular reason.

  RENE

  Kierk--?

  KIERKEGAARD

  Kierkegaard.

  RENE

  Kierkeg--?

  KIERKEGAARD

  Kierkegaard. Dear me, I hope you're not this slow all the time.

  RENE

  I have no idea if I am or if I'm not.

  KIERKEGAARD

  No, I suppose you don't. Moving along. You have had a question presented to you, yes? One of a more philosophical nature?

  RENE

  I don't know how to answer it.

  KIERKEGAARD

  Yes, I understood that when your only rebuttal was to ask the exact same question that was asked of you. I am here to help you answer it, though I am no miracle worker.

  RENE

  Yes. Yes, please help me!

  RENE runs to KIERKEGAARD, falls on HER knees, and pulls on HIS robe.

  RENE

  I'm so, so confused. I feel like my head's about to explode! All these things keep saying contradictory things, and I don't know--

  KIERKEGAARD

  Please! Keep some of your dignity intact.

  RENE

  Okay. I'm sorry for acting so unusual.

  KIERKEGAARD

  That's better. Stand up. Act like the lady you should be.

  RENE stands.

  KIERKEGAARD

  Now, on to...do you have a yellow stain on your nightgown?

  RENE

  What? (looks) I...I do.

  RENE takes out a lemon from HER pocket.

  RENE

  A lemon?

  The LEMONADE SALESMAN enters and apologetically takes the lemon from RENE.

  LEMONADE SALESMAN

  Sorry. I told you not to squeezed it. You'll have a mess to clean up later. (half-beat) Bye.

  The LEMONADE SALESMAN exits.

  KIERKEGAARD

  A friend of yours?

  RENE

  Not really--

  KIERKEGAARD

  It doesn't matter. Sit here.

  KIERKEGAARD motions to HIS chair. RENE sits in it, and KIERKEGAARD maneuvers the chair around on its wheels to have RENE facing the audience from center stage.

  KIERKEGAARD

  There we are. (to offstage) Servant!

  A black figure enters and bows to KIERKEGAARD.

  KIERKEGAARD

  Change music. We're in the need of something more...grave.

  The black figure bows to KIERKEGAARD and exits.

  SFX: A record player needle ripping across a record.

  The music stops, but is quickly replaced with something like Ludwig Beethoven's "Piano Sonata No. 14 in C sharp. minor".

  KIERKEGAARD

  Ah, excellent! This will put us in the mood. So, let's start with what you know, hmm?

  RENE

  Okay.

  KIERKEGAARD

  So what do you know?

  Beat.

  RENE

  I don't know what I know.

  KIERKEGAARD

  Well, at least you know that much. Most people can't even admit to that. Tell me, why have you come to me?

  RENE

  What?

  KIERKEGAARD

  You obviously weren't enchanted by the mad scientist, lady witch doctor, or the excitable zealot. Why not choose one of them? Didn't they provide you with some answers?

  RENE

  Not the right ones.

  KIERKEGAARD

  (to offstage) Excuse me.

  RENE

  I said--

  KIERKEGAARD

  No, not you, my dear. (to offstage) Servant!

  A black figure enters the stage and bows to KIERKEGAARD.

  KIERKEGAARD

  Bring in my three art pieces for the lovely...(to RENE) What's your name again, dear? Yes, this time I'm speaking to you.

  RENE

  Rene D'Cart.

  Beat.

  KIERKEGAARD

  Really?

  RENE

  Yes--

  KIERKEGAARD

  Hmmmmmm. No matter. (to black figure) Go ahead and get them.

  The black figure bows and goes to leave, but trips. It stands back up, bows again, and exits..

  KIERKEGAARD

  I blame you for their wretched performance.

  RENE

  Why am I to blame?

  KIERKEGAARD

  Don't ask any more ridiculous questions when you haven't even answered your first one.

  Three black figures enter, each holding the exact same Rorschach inkblot paintings in their arms. Their image shouldn't be anything readily recognizable. RENE stands to see them, and KIERKEGAARD pushes the chair offstage.

  RENE

  What are these?

  KIERKEGAARD

  Again with the questions? Will you ever stop? Now, look at these three paintings and tell me what you see. (half-beat) Go on. Don't be shy.

  Beat.

  RENE

  They're all the same.

  KIERKEGAARD

  Are you sure of that?

  RENE

  I...I think so.

  KIERKEGAARD

  Suppose if I were to say that they all are very different. Suppose if I were to say that each one has a million specks of ink in different places than the others. Are you still so sure that they are all the same? Hmm?

  RENE

  Not really. No.

  KIERKEGAARD

  Suppose if I were to say that the materials used for each one varied from the others? Suppose if I were to say that their different locations in this universe was enough to make them infinitely special and unique in some way? Suppose....suppose if I were to go on and on with this example far too long to make my point. What would you say then?

  RENE

  I don't know.

  KIERKEGAARD

  Well then I'm saying it. I'm saying all those things now. What do you say to that?

  RENE looks at each one very carefully with KIERKEGAARD observing HER every move.

  RENE

  They're all the same.

  KIERKEGAARD

  Why?

  RENE takes a long look at the paintings once again.

  RENE

  Because...they are.

  KIERKEGAARD

  Precisely! You've done it! You've figured it out! Finally, I found someone who's not a complete dolt!

  KIERKEGAARD kisses RENE once on each cheek and then dances in place. The black figures mimic the dance. KIERKEGAARD and the black figures stop dancing at the same time.

  RENE

  What did I do?

  KIERKEGAARD

  You...don't....You don't know?! You mean to tell me that you have absolutely no idea of what you just said? Of the meaning behind the words you just spoke to me now? They mean nothing to you?!

  RENE

  Well...Yeah.

  KIERKEGAARD

  Poppycock! Must nothing be obvious anymore?! (to audience) You understand, don't you? (half-beat) No?! Not a single one?!

  RENE

  I'm sorry. I'm sure they're sorry, too.

  (half-beat)

  KIERKEGAARD

  It's my own fault. I broke the mode in this little formula of yours. How dare I try to impart wisdom directly. Well, I've learned my lesson. And now...so shall you.

  RENE

  Please, you have to help me.

  KIERKEGAARD

  (to offstage) A little help here, please?

  COGITO enters unseen by RENE.

  RENE

  Please, please! Explain it to me again. I swear I'll get it this time! I--

  COGITO touches RENE's shoulder, a spotlight shines down upon THEM, and THEY are frozen still. The music stops and is replaced with the Noh Theatre music.

  Beat.


  KIERKEGAARD

  (to audience, exiting) I swear. Nothing in life is easy. Well, what's worthwhile anyhow. On to the ending! And change that music to something more digestible. NOW!

  SFX: A record player needle ripping across a record.

  The original music is replaced by George Bizet's "Carmen Part 1-Les Toreadors".

  The black figures and KIERKEGAARD exit. All lights except for the spotlight is replaced with a dim-lit blue light. The black figures enter and hustle to bring out the props for the last scene. First, an upright standing box the size of a telephone booth with an exterior modeled after TINDAL's 50's sci-fi style (it should give the impression of a very flashy time machine). Second, tropical plants are placed on all corners of the stage, and possibly some pagan Venus idols too, as well as two large drums and drumsticks. Third, there are three black figures standing on each side of the machine dressed in PROF. LEXATHOR's robes.

  When all is in place, the music fades away. COGITO lets go of RENE and exits. The TV turns on and the channels are of a unifying and peaceful nature: delegations at the UN, world leaders shaking hands, the Berlin Wall falling down, crowds of people cheering for peace, etc.

  The TV turns off, and very bright and pure lights fill the room. RENE is free to move around. SHE investigates everything, not having a clue as to what it all means.

  RENE

  What is all this?

  The black figures dance as they sing their words.

  SFX: The black figures sing as if in choir "The unification of your divided existence!"

  RENE

  My what?

  TINDAL enters wearing all white.

  TINDAL

  A reunification of a fractured mind!

  RENE

  Huh?

  ZSUZSANNA enters wearing all white.

  ZSUZSANNA

  The spirit's return to the motherland!

  RENE

  A what?!

  PROF. LEXATHOR enters wearing all white.

  PROF. LEXATHOR

  The return of an immaculate mind!

  RENE

  I don't understand.

  The LEMONADE SALMESMAN enters, wearing HIS usual attire.

  LEMONADE SALESMAN

  It's the end of the show!

  RENE

  Oh.

  TINDAL

  Affirmative. We three--

  LEMONADE SALESMAN clears HIS throat.

  TINDAL

  Excuse me, thee-and-a-half have collaborated to relieve you of your apparently insolvable troubles. Well, at least insolvable by you alone.

  ZSUZSANNA

  If a lame pup is nursed to life, then she might rise to be the leader of the pack.

  PROF. LEXATHOR

  And with your adamant willpower to inspire us, we've collaborated and created a miraculous device of faith that can, will, and shall answer all your troubles.

  RENE

  My troubles? You mean--?

  PROF. LEXATHOR

  Yes! Together, we will answer your question.

  RENE

  You will?!

  ZSUZSANNA

  I swear it on my blood.

  TINDAL

  I signed a contract to the same effect.

  RENE

  Thank you-thank you-thank you!

  RENE kisses TINDAL.

  RENE

  Thank you!

  RENE kisses ZSUZSANNA.

  RENE

  Thank you!

  RENE kisses PROF. LEXATHOR.

  RENE

  Thank you!

  RENE reaches to the LEMONADE SALMESMAN, who is already leaning for HIS cheek to be kissed. RENE takes HIS hand and shakes it.

  RENE

  Thank you. Thank you all! Now, I can finally rest. I can finally be at peace. I can finally know. So...where is it? Where's the answer?

  TINDAL

  It is hidden deep within our device's anatomy. My collaborators and I assure that it is definitely within this machine that is aptly named "The Transcendental-Spirit Guide-Divine Tool of...Answering!"

  SFX: Thunder.

  LEMONADE SALESMAN

  I came up with the last part.

  RENE

  How does it work?

  A black figure rushes out with a huge book and hands it to TINDAL.

  TINDAL

  Here's the instruction booklet.

  TINDAL hands it over to RENE, who almost falls over from its weight. SHE opens it and reaches into it to take out a large remote control with a single red button.

  RENE

  I just push the button?!

  TINDAL

  Fast reader.

  Beat.

  ZSUZSANNA

  Why do you wait? Push it!

  RENE

  I...it's just...

  PROF. LEXATHOR

  Yes, my child?

  RENE

  Can it be that easy?

  TINDAL

  Must everything be attained through hardship and travesty?

  Beat.

  RENE

  I'm going to push it. Ready?

  TINDAL

  Ready.

  ZSUZSANNA

  Go.

  PROF. LEXATHOR

  Walk forth.

  LEMONADE SALESMAN

  Sure.

  RENE

  Okay.

  RENE pushes the button.

  SFX: The rising sound of a large electric-powered engine.

  TINDAL

  To your respective places, everyone! Expedite yourselves!

  TINDAL rushes over to the machine and adjusts knobs and dials. ZSUZSANNA rushes over to the drums and starts drumming.

  PROF. LEXATHOR orchestrates HIS black figures to sing harmonies. The bright light switches over the flashes of multi-colored lights.

  RENE

  What do I do?

  PROF. LEXATHOR

  Wait.

  RENE

  Wait?!

  PROF. LEXATHOR

  Patience is a virtue!

  RENE

  What if it explodes?

  TINDAL

  The probability of this device self-destructing is minimal.

  RENE and LEMONADE SALESMAN

  MINIMAL?!

  LEMONADE SALESMAN

  Sorry, guys. I'm gone. I'm just a lemonade salesman. Catch 'ya later!

  LEMONADE SALESMAN exits. The machine's hum is increasing incredibly.

  SFX: An earthquake.

  RENE

  What's happening?!

  ZSUZSANNA

  Be brave!

  RENE

  What if that thing kills us?!

  ZSUZSANNA

  We all die! (laughs maniacally)

  A red light flashes over the door to the machine.

  RENE

  What does that light mean?

  TINDAL

  Open it and discover for yourself!

  RENE carefully walks over to the machine, fearful that any false movement could set the machine off. SHE reaches the handle, looks at EVERYONE, and then opens it. All the music, black figures, drums, and machine go silent.

  Beat.

  RENE opens the door. A little girl dressed exactly in the same clothes as SOUL steps out of the machine with a large letter in HER hand.

  SOUL

  Hi.

  RENE

  Hi.

  SOUL

  Got something for you.

  RENE

  You do?

  SOUL

  Yep.

  Beat.

  RENE

  Could I have it?

  SOUL

  Sure.

  SOUL hands the letter over to RENE.

  SOUL

  There you go.

  Beat.

  RENE

  Thank you?

  SOUL

  You're welcome. (half-beat) Goodbye.

  RENE

  Goodbye.

  SOUL

  (to ALL) Goodbye.

  ALLr />
  Goodbye.

  SOUL re-enters the machine and closes the door. ANNA opens the letter and reads.

  Beat.

  RENE shows the letter to the audience. It has a single world printed in large font, "BECAUSE".

  TINDAL

  Because?

  ZSUZSANNA

  Because?

  PROF. LEXATHOR

  Because?

  LEMONADE SALESMAN

  (offstage) Because?!

  The LEMONADE SALESMAN enters.

  LEMONADE SALESMA

  What the hell does that mean?

  RENE

  The answer to the question of "why" is "because".

  PROF. LEXATHOR

  Please don't harbor us any ire over this. We apologize for failing you.

  TINDAL

  Our device is defective.

  ZSUZSANNA

  It didn't work.

  RENE

  No. I get it now.

  LEMONADE SALESMAN

  You do?

  RENE

  Yes. The question of "why" is so general and all-encompassing that the only correct answer is just as general and all-encompassing as the question in question. When asked, "Why?", there are no specifics to focus on, so therefore the parameters are endless. The answer must therefore be an infinitely unspecific equation which does not betray the nature of the original question. If, however, the question is of a philosophical nature, then we can understand its notion to be intentionally vague and rather a question of our overall existence. To answer such an incredible query, the notion of "because" can be understood as a profession of the universe's will to exist, and that while the origins and means might never be known, the cause of existence is that non-existence necessitates the genesis of existence by default. It's so simple!

  LEMONADE SALESMAN

  It is?

  RENE

  The answer to "why" is "because". (to the sky) Is that it? Did I get it right?

  SFX: Alarms.

  Congratulatory music like that from "The Price Is Right" plays, confetti falls from the sky, and black figures rush out with balloons.

  ANNOUNCER

  (offstage) Congratulations, Rene D'Cart! You've finally found the answer to the question that's been troubling you. Youuuuuuuuuuuure a Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiinerrrrrrrrrr!

  RENE

  I won! I won-I won-I won!

  PROF. LEXATHOR, ZSUZSANNA, and TINDAL shake RENE's hand.

  PROF. LEXATHOR

  We knew you could do it. We never lost faith in you.

  ZSUZSANNA

  You are a wise and brave woman. I'm proud to know you.

  TINDAL

  From a thousand failed experiments comes the truly deserved results.

  RENE

  Thank you, guys! I knew I could do it! I knew I could do it!

  The alarms, music, and lights fade away. A spotlight shines down on RENE. ALL except for RENE quietly leave the stage.

  RENE

  I knew I could do it! I knew I could do it! I knew I could do it! I knew....where'd everyone go? Hello? Hello? Helloooooo?

  Beat.

  COGITO enters, but this time there is no Noh Theatre music. COGITO bows to RENE as a way to say "Thank You". RENE bows back. COGITO exits.

  RENE

  Bye. (beat) Bye.

  RENE lies down upon the floor and falls asleep. The TV turns on. What is heard and seen is a collection of advertisement catch phrases, warnings from a news station, badly acted soap operas, talk shows, etc. The volume increases, and it sounds like multiple TVs have been turned on in the distance. At the peak of this cacophony, everything goes mute.

  THE END

 


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