Fast Women

by Jennifer Crusie

  “Tell me about it,” Nell said, thinking of Tim.

  “Gabe would be the worst,” Lynnie went on, watching her. “You just can’t work with a man like that, you can only work for him.” She leaned a little closer to Nell. “But you could work with me. You look like you’d know how to plan, and I’d never cheat you.”

  She wouldn’t, Nell thought and walked back to her. “Listen, I’m sorry men have been lousy to you. I really am. I hope you get what you want. Preferably without maiming somebody else, of course, but I hope you get it anyway.”

  “The maiming is the best part.” Lynnie leaned on the wrought-iron balustrade. “Look, I’m working on this thing. You’d be all for it, this guy is such a user even I can’t believe it. And I’ve got the goods on him, he’s paying, and we can get more. He deserves everything we could do to him. We’re talking justice with a profit here.” Lynnie smiled at her, and Nell smiled back. “But he’s tricky. I could use some backup. How about it? You and me, payback time, full speed ahead.”

  For a moment, Nell considered it, the two of them wreaking vengeance for all womankind, but it was a fantasy. “I can’t do it, Lynnie,” Nell said. “I’m just not built that way.” She stuck out her hand, and after a moment, Lynnie took it. “Best of luck, really.”

  Then she walked out onto the street, not looking back, and headed for the McKennas, full speed ahead on her own.

  * * *

  Nell was in the office an hour later when Suze came in carrying a box of gourmet dog biscuits and a wicker basket that held a black short-haired dachshund in a red sweater.

  “You’ve got to take SugarPie,” she said to Nell. “Jack just called and he wants to have lunch. Do you suppose he heard about the dognapping? Maybe that Farnsworth guy recognized me.”

  “No,” Nell said, not sure. “But give me the dog and go.” She took the basket and eyed the dog. “What did you do to her?”

  “Clip and a dye job,” Suze said. “The clip didn’t go too well, but the dye looks great. It’s that gentle, wash-out stuff, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt her, but I washed her twice afterward with dog shampoo to make sure.”

  SugarPie looked up at Nell, her eyes as pitiful as ever over her still-brown nose. “It’s okay,” Nell told her. “I have no shampoo. Your washing days are over.” She put the basket under her desk where it was hidden from the door. Once the basket was down, SugarPie stood up. She was wearing a red sweater with a white turtleneck collar and cuffs and a white heart centered on her back.

  “Cute sweater,” Nell said doubtfully.

  “It’s cashmere,” Suze said, peering under the desk at the dog. “Not scratchy at all.”

  “It’s also September, not January,” Nell said.

  “She needs something to cover up the bad clip,” Suze said. “That was the lightest outfit I could find. I’ve got more in the car so she can change outfits.”

  “Change outfits,” Nell said.

  “You should see the leather bomber jacket I bought her,” Suze said. “Fleece lined. Come winter, she’s going to look very butch.”

  Nell looked back down at SugarPie. She looked like a miserable anorexic cheerleader. “Thank you,” she said to Suze. “That was very nice of you.”

  Suze put the box of gourmet dog biscuits on the desk and then faded toward the door. “She loves those biscuits. Really, she’s so pathetic that she’s no trouble at all. It’s just that Jack—”

  “I know, I know.” Nell waved her toward the door. “Go find out what he wants. We’ll be here.”

  When Suze was gone, Nell slid SugarPie’s basket farther under her desk so she could scratch her with her toe while she worked, and after a couple of minutes of rhythmic scratching, the dachshund sighed and stopped trembling and began to doze, and Nell began to feel much better.

  Things were finally looking up.

  * * *

  When Suze got to O&D, Jack was waiting for her outside his office, vibrating with anger in front of a lot of marble and expensive paneling.

  “Hi, Elizabeth,” Suze said, smiling at his assistant, keeping Jack in her peripheral vision.

  “You’re late,” Jack said, cutting short Elizabeth’s greeting and earning a sharp glance from her in return. “Come on.”

  “I was dropping the dog off at Nell’s,” Suze said as he hurried her toward the elevator. “You told me you didn’t want it alone in the house, so I took it to her at work.”

  “I don’t want it in the house at all,” Jack said. “It would have been nice if you’d asked me before you let your crazy friend bring it over, but you didn’t think of that.”

  “Nell’s not crazy,” Suze said sharply.

  “The hell she isn’t,” Jack said. “You wouldn’t believe what she just pulled. She’s not part of the family anymore. Go shopping with Whitney instead.”

  “She’s part of my family,” Suze said, but he ignored her to slam his hand into the closing elevator doors and pry them apart.

  They got on the elevator, taking their place in the middle as the three men already there made room for them, smiling at Suze. “Hi, Suzie,” one of them said, and she turned around to see Budge’s round face beaming at her. “Heard you and Margie and Nell are going to the movies tonight,” he said, clearly delighted to be chatting with the beautiful wife of a senior partner. “You make sure Nell doesn’t keep her out too late.”

  “Oh-kay,” she said, thinking, Call me Suzie one more time and I’ll have you fired.

  The doors opened, and Jack took her arm and hustled her out to his BMW. By the time he slammed his door and put the keys in the ignition, she was so mad that she reached over and yanked them out again, surprised at her own temerity.

  Jack looked startled. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

  “Why are you being such a jackass?” she said, standing up to him for the first time in fourteen years.

  “Don’t use that tone with me,” he said. “Where were you last night?”

  “I told you, stealing SugarPie in New Albany,” Suze said. “Where’d you think I got her?”

  “I thought you were telling me the truth. God knows it was bizarre enough.” He glared at her and she glared back.

  “What is with you? If you have a problem with the dog, it’s over, Nell has it. If it’s something else, tell me about it and stop being such a bastard.”

  “All right, if that’s what you want.” Jack drew himself up, probably trying for dignified rage and looking like a petulant twelve-year-old instead. “You’re having an affair. Admit it. You’re cheating on me.”

  Suze gaped at him. “Have you lost your mind?”

  “Pete Sullivan saw you having dinner with Riley McKenna.”

  “I’ve never—” Suze stopped. “Last night? Nell, Margie, and I went there to talk to him. We were in a diner for about half an hour arguing with him about SugarPie. I can’t believe this. I was with Margie and Nell, for heaven’s sake.”

  “They’d lie for you,” Jack said, some of his indignation gone. “Hell, Nell’s capable of anything.”

  “Yeah, and then she got me the dog as a cover story. I didn’t even know Riley McKenna until last night, and having met him, I don’t want to know him any better. What is wrong with you?”

  Jack exhaled and let his head fall back against the headrest. “I’m having a bad week.”

  “And you thought you’d share it with me? Thanks a lot.” Suze shook her head. “I can’t believe you don’t trust me. I’m not the one with the past here, buddy.”

  “Hey,” Jack said. “Watch your tone. I have never cheated on you.”

  “Then why did you think I was?” Suze said. “Peter Sullivan is a horrible person, you know that, you know he just said that to get at you, and you fell for it. I think you’re projecting. I think you want to cheat. I think—”

  “Wait a minute,” Jack said, alarmed.

  “—you’re tired of being married to a woman in her thirties and you want something younger—”


  “Suze, I love you,” Jack said, leaning toward her now.

  “—and you feel guilty about it, and that’s why you don’t want me to get a job—”

  He leaned across her and kissed her, stopping her mouth and making her reach for him, everything solid in her world for as long as she could remember. “I will never cheat on you,” he whispered, holding her close. “I love you. We’re forever.”

  “How could you think I would?” Suze said, trying not to forgive him. “How could you say those horrible things?”

  “Suze, I’m fifty-four,” Jack said. “Riley McKenna’s thirty. He’s my worst nightmare.”

  “How do you even know him?” Suze said, and Jack pulled away a little.

  “They do a lot of work for us,” he said. “Look, I’m sorry. I heard you were there with him, and I lost it. I was stupid. Let me make it up to you.”

  “All right.” Suze handed him his keys back, wanting the whole mess over.

  Jack put the key in the ignition and started the car, patting her knee before he pulled out of the parking lot, back to his old jovial self, almost giddy with relief. “I can’t believe you think I’d cheat,” Jack said, cutting off another car as he pulled out into the street. “I’m home every night. I give you everything. What’s with you having a temper all of a sudden?”

  Just something else you gave me, she thought and settled back in her seat, not reassured at all.

  * * *

  The office door rattled again at one, and Nell looked up, expecting Gabe and seeing Jase.

  “Lunch,” he said, grinning at her, his dark eyes flashing. “Come on. My treat.”

  “I’d pay,” Nell said. “But I can’t go. I had to go out this morning and now I’m swamped.” Also I have a dog stashed under this desk.

  “Okay,” Jase said. “Tell me what you want and I’ll bring it to you.”

  “I’m not hungry,” Nell said. “I can—”

  The door rattled again and popped open and hit Jase in the back.

  “Hey,” he said, and then Lu poked her head around the door and said, “Don’t stand in front of the door, dummy.” She cocked her head up at him, really looking at him this time, and then she smiled. “Hello.”

  “Hello,” Jase said, leaning around the door toward her, and Nell thought, Uh-oh.

  “He was just leaving,” Nell said.

  “No, I wasn’t.” Jase pulled the door open wider. “Come on in. Tell us your troubles.”

  “My dad is driving me crazy,” Lu said. “What are you here for?”

  “My mother has to eat,” Jase said.

  Lu brightened. “You’re Nell’s son?” She looked toward Nell and nodded. “Very nice work.”

  “This is my boss’s daughter,” Nell said, trying to telegraph her disapproval.

  “I’m Lu,” Lu said, holding out her hand.

  “I’m Jase,” Jase said, taking it and holding onto it. “I was going to take my mother to lunch, but she can’t go—”

  Nell picked up her purse. “Sure, I can.”

  “—so I’m free,” Jase said. “How about you and me? I’ll solve your problem with your father.”

  “You can do that?” Lu grinned. “Have you met my father?”

  “No,” Jase said. “But I can do anything.” He held the door open even wider. “Including pay for lunch.”

  “Cool.” Lu waved to Nell. “We’ll bring you back something. Don’t tell Daddy I was here.”

  “Not a problem,” Nell said, but they were already halfway out the door.

  “Jase!”

  Jase stuck his head back through the doorway.

  “She’s my boss’s daughter,” Nell hissed at him. “Do not do anything depraved.”

  “It’s lunch,” Jase said. “I don’t do depraved until after dark.”

  “That’s not funny,” Nell said, but he was gone.

  She thought about whether to worry and decided she had enough existing problems to think about without adding potentials to the list. And really, she was doing good. The glow from this one wasn’t fading. She had over five thousand dollars to give to Gabe. Maybe he’d let her order new cards and repaint the window, maybe even buy a new couch now that she had the money. She just had to segue past his irritation at being disobeyed to get to the part where he owed it to her to—

  The door to the office slammed open, and Nell looked up into Mr. Farnsworth’s rabid eyes. “I want to see your boss,” he snarled.

  Nell swallowed hard and said, “He’s not here,” and scratched SugarPie a little more vigorously with her foot under the desk. The dog had jerked awake and was trembling again, but then so was she. Mr. Farnsworth had that effect.

  “I don’t believe you,” he said and went past her to wrench the door to Gabe’s office open.

  Thank God, he’s not here, Nell thought. Thank you, thank you, God.

  “Where is he?” Farnsworth said, coming back to the front of the desk.

  “Out on business,” Nell said, trying to put some edge to her voice. “If there’s nothing I can help you with—”

  “You stole my dog,” Farnsworth said.

  Nell lurched a little in her seat, kicking SugarPie. “I most certainly did not.”

  “Not you, personally,” Farnsworth said, annoyed. “This agency.”

  “I can assure you—” Nell began, and then Gabe banged the door open and came in, taking off his sunglasses and looking mad as hell, and she couldn’t think of one thing to say to fix the situation.

  “There you are!” Farnsworth said, rounding on him. “I’m suing you and this agency and—”

  “Who the hell are you?” Gabe said, clearly not in a mood to be sued.

  “I’m Michael Farnsworth, and you stole my dog.” He faltered a little bit at the end, possibly realizing how absurd it sounded, especially with Gabe standing there enraged in his well-cut suit, looking like a pillar of the community with a gun permit.

  “I beg your pardon?” Gabe said, and the temperature in the room dropped twenty degrees.

  Don’t ever let him talk to me like that, Nell prayed, fairly certain her turn was coming up shortly.

  “My wife hired you to—”

  “This firm does not commit crimes,” Gabe said, his voice knife-edged. “We have been in business for over sixty years, and we have an impeccable reputation. Unless you want a countersuit for slander, I suggest you restate your position.”

  “My dog is missing,” Farnsworth said, his bluster fading. “I know my wife came here to hire you.”

  “We do not discuss our clientele,” Gabe said. “But I can assure you, no one at this agency accepted a commission that involves breaking the law.”

  “My wife,” Farnsworth said, fading fast. “I know she’s behind it.”

  “Then go talk to her,” Gabe said, clearly finished with the conversation.

  “Maybe I can hire you,” Farnsworth said, and Nell thought, That’s all I need. Gabe investigating me.

  “I have one clue,” Farnsworth went on. “A hot blonde came to the door to distract me. It wasn’t her in a wig,” he added, jerking his thumb at Nell. “This one was built. She—”

  “Mr. Farnsworth, nothing in the world would induce me to take part in this mess,” Gabe said. “Go to the police. They can question your wife and get to the bottom of it faster than we can. And they’ll do it for free. This is what you pay your taxes for.”

  Farnsworth nodded, and Nell nodded with him. Gabe always made sense. Unfortunately, this time he was siccing the police on her, but still, he made sense.

  She had to get the dog out of the country. If only she knew somebody going to Canada—

  Farnsworth went out, leaving the door open, and Gabe followed him to slam it shut.

  “Well,” Nell said, trying to sound virtuous when he’d turned back to her. “What got into—” She stopped when she saw the look in his eye.

  “Where,” Gabe said, “is that goddamn dog?”

  Chapter Seven

  Nell g
ave a quick thought to bluffing and decided against it. Somehow he knew, and her only salvation was going to be to come clean.

  “She’s under the desk,” she said, and then Riley came in from the street and said, “Who was the asshole who just stormed out of here?”

  “Back off,” Gabe said, not taking his eyes off Nell. “I’ll deal with you later.”

  “What?” Riley said. “What did I do?”

  Nell pulled SugarPie’s basket out and set it on the desk.

  “Jesus, you brought it here?” Riley said. “What if the guy shows up looking for it? He knows his wife—”

  “That was him, leaving,” Gabe said, looking at the dog with distaste. “What the hell is that?”

  “A former brown long-haired dachshund,” Nell said. “Suze disguised it.”

  “Suze Dysart?” Gabe said. “That would be the hot blonde.”

  “Very hot,” Riley said, and Gabe glared at him.

  “Did it ever occur to you to say no to these women?”

  “He did,” Nell said. “But when we said we’d do it anyway, he helped so we wouldn’t get in trouble.”

  “What a guy.” Gabe looked down at the dog again and shook his head. “And I hired you. Where were you this morning?”

  “Right here?” Nell said, trying to look innocent. She could give him the five thousand later. Say on Monday. A nice Monday in December.

  “Try again,” Gabe said dangerously.

  “Okay.” Nell picked up SugarPie’s basket. Maybe if he didn’t have to look at the dog. “I was on an errand for the agency.”

  “Do not do this agency any more favors,” Gabe said. “Where did you go? And if you broke the law, you’re fired. I’m not kidding.”

  Nell’s stomach went south at the word “fired.” “I went to Lynnie’s. I got the money back.” She put SugarPie back on the desk and took the bank envelope out of the drawer to hold out to him. “See? Over five thousand dollars. I collected an agency debt.”