Fast Women

by Jennifer Crusie

  “I just don’t want to be like Margie and her interchangeable blonds.”

  “They weren’t interchangeable,” Suze said. “Stewart was a jackass, and Budge is a doormat.” She seemed depressed by that and finished off her wine with a sigh.

  “Well, that’s what I mean,” Nell said. “She responds to a certain look in men and that’s what she falls for no matter what they’re really like, and then she’s stuck.”

  “What’s Gabe really like?”

  “Smart.” Nell pictured him standing in the office doorway again. “Tenacious. Charming when he wants to be. Exasperated. Dry. Sweet. Obnoxious. Kind. Controlling. Brave. Sloppy. Patient.” Hard. Strong. Lean. “And lately, really, really hot.” She shook her head and reached for the wine bottle. “Go figure.”

  “This does not sound like lust.”

  “Thank God.”

  “This sounds like luv.”

  “Oh, no, it doesn’t.” Nell straightened. “Don’t even start that. Absolutely not.” She grabbed her glass and drank.

  “The thing about love is, you don’t get to choose,” Suze said. “You just wake up one day and there it is, sitting at the foot of the bed, going ‘nyah, nyah, gotcha,’ and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.” She shook her head at the thought and drank, too.

  “Absolutely not. No. I’m not going back to that again.”

  “And the fact that you think he’s hot doesn’t hurt,” Suze said. “He is very appealing. Nice body.”

  “Excuse me?” Nell said.

  “He wears those suits damn well.” Suze picked up a carrot stick, nonchalantly not looking at Nell. “And that master of the universe thing he’s got going for him is sexy, too. I do love a man who’s in control.”

  “You’re married to one of those,” Nell pointed out.

  “Right. Doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate it in others.”

  Nell picked up her fork and stabbed the lasagna. “So go for it.”

  “You wouldn’t mind?”

  “Not at all,” Nell said airily. “Although you are married.”

  “Well, then, if I ever decide to cheat, it’ll be with Gabe,” Suze decided. “He really is darling.”

  “You’re trying to make me mad, right?” Nell said, reaching for her wineglass.

  “Is it working?”

  “Yes. Damn it.”

  “I don’t see a problem,” Suze said, putting the carrot down. “You’re both single. Go for it.”

  “I am not sleeping with my boss,” Nell said. “And he’s not sleeping with me. It’s against policy.”

  “What policy?”

  “Don’t fuck the help. The McKennas have a history with their secretaries.”

  “He slept with Lynnie?”

  “No, that was Riley.”

  “Riley.” Suze shook her head over her wine. “What a complete waste of manhood that boy is.”

  “No, he’s not.” Nell straightened a little. “Riley is a good man.”

  “I thought you said he slept with everything that moved.”

  “With a few flaws,” Nell admitted. “But he’s a great guy, really. I’d trust him with my life. You just need to know him better.” She regarded Suze carefully. “Or maybe not.”

  “Definitely not.”

  “So you’re getting bored with Jack?”

  “Ice cream?” Suze said brightly and went to the refrigerator.

  “Okay. Hit a nerve, did I?”

  “I am not bored with my husband.” Suze said, thunking the half gallon of rocky road down next to the lasagna.

  “Of course not,” Nell said. “Got a spoon?”

  Suze got two spoons out of the drawer and handed Nell one. “So you gonna make your move on Gabe any time soon?”

  “Never.”

  Nell scooped a chunk of rocky road out of the carton and bit into it, leaving some behind on the spoon. The chocolate smeared her lower lip, and Suze bent over and licked the chocolate off, her tongue touching Nell’s as Nell jerked back a little in surprise.

  “C’mon.” Suze grinned evilly at her, and Nell thought about it through a haze of eggnog and red wine and laughed. What the hell.

  “Okay. Marlene, close your eyes.” She leaned forward and kissed Suze, her mouth soft on soft, sweet on sweet. It was different, smooth and cool, like vanilla ice cream.

  Suze pulled back after a minute. “What do you think?”

  “Nice.” Nell ate the rest of the ice cream on her spoon. “No zing, though. I don’t think we’ll be buying Marlene the ‘My Two Mommies Love Me’ T-shirt.”

  “Yeah.” Suze slumped into her chair. “I want to have an affair.”

  Nell stopped, wide-eyed for a moment. “I have Riley’s number in my purse.”

  “I can’t cheat on Jack,” Suze said miserably, picking up her wineglass.

  “So why are you necking with me?”

  “I don’t think he’d count you. I think he’d probably get turned on if I slept with you.”

  “I think he’d probably want to play, too,” Nell said, scooping more ice cream. “That’s where I bow out.”

  “I just…” Suze sat back. “I haven’t kissed anybody but Jack in fourteen years.”

  Nell’s mouth was full of ice cream, so she held up her hand.

  “And you. But that wasn’t for real. It’s like you said, I miss the zing. I want some zing.”

  “Well, zing is good,” Nell said, swallowing. “But it doesn’t last.”

  “It should.” Suze folded her arms. “I don’t expect it to be fireworks forever, I know that stuff goes, but shouldn’t I still feel a little zing when he kisses me? A little hello?”

  “I don’t know,” Nell said. “I think the zing went with the fireworks with Tim and me. Ask Margie. She’s had more zings than I have.”

  “You had Riley. There was zing, right?”

  Nell considered. “Not really. He’s an excellent, excellent kisser, and there was buzz to the novelty of it all, but zing? Nope. I think you have to have pre-zing to get zings.”

  “Huh?”

  “You know,” Nell said, thinking of Gabe. “You look at his hands when he’s writing and you get hot just watching the pen move. You hear his voice and have to take a deep breath because you stopped breathing the minute you heard him. He leans over your shoulder and you close your eyes so you can enjoy it more. Pre-zing.”

  “That’s not pre-zing,” Suze said. “That’s full zing.”

  “Well, I didn’t have that with Riley.”

  “Oh.” Suze looked thoughtful. “I figured Riley was universal zing. Margie sure responded that night in the car.”

  “But you didn’t,” Nell said and grinned at her.

  “Of course I did,” Suze said. “Obnoxiousness doesn’t negate animal magnetism.”

  “I do not get the animal magnetism,” Nell said.

  “Natural zing,” Suze said. “Some guys have it. Like Riley and Jack.”

  “Nope,” Nell said. “Don’t get either one. That must be your zing. You didn’t start thinking about cheating until you met Riley, right?”

  “I am not thinking about cheating now,” Suze said, holding her glass so tightly that her knuckles went white. “I wouldn’t. I really wouldn’t.”

  “Right. But you didn’t start thinking about it until you met Riley, right?”

  “I don’t even like him.”

  Nell sighed in exasperation. “But you didn’t start thinking about it until you met him, right?”

  “A while after that. But I’m not going to do it. It’s a fantasy.” Suze put down her wine and dug into the ice cream instead. “It’s not even that. I mean, I don’t have fantasies about him. That would be wrong.” She swallowed some ice cream and choked a little. “So what’s he like?”

  “Who?”

  “Riley. In bed.”

  Nell thought about it. “Very gentle. And thorough. He pays attention, crosses all the i’s, dots all the t’s. Slow but steady.” She tilted her head, thinking
about what she’d said. “That sounds boring, doesn’t it?”

  “Not really,” Suze said, her voice a little strained.

  “Because he wasn’t. Boring, I mean. Very gentle but very intense. Lot of power there. Great hands.”

  “Oh. Not that I care.” Suze scooped out more rocky road and stuffed it in her mouth.

  “So you’re thinking about Riley.”

  “I think about the zing,” Suze said, her mouth full of ice cream. “And unfortunately, he comes to mind. Which annoys me. But I’m not going to do anything about it.”

  “Me, neither,” Nell said, scooping more ice cream and trying not to think about Gabe.

  “We should try that kiss again,” Suze said, putting down her ice cream spoon.

  “Why?” Nell said around her rocky road.

  “Suppose there was a plague that wiped out all the men.”

  “No more wars and lots of fat, happy women. Nicole Hollander already did the cartoon.”

  “No, I mean would you give up sex?”

  “I’d still have electricity, right?” Nell said. “Me and my vibrator. Not a problem.”

  “It’s not the same,” Suze said. “There’s no touching, no bodies—”

  Nell imagined Gabe, stretched lean and hard beside her, and put her spoon down.

  “—no heat, no slide—”

  “Shut up,” Nell said, and reached for the lasagna plate again.

  “We’d only have each other,” Suze said.

  “And Margie,” Nell said, trying to imagine a three-way with Margie. “The sheets would always be clean.”

  “Imagine all the men are gone in the plague, and it’s just you and me. Margie’s doing the laundry.”

  Nell shook her head and stabbed the lasagna. “I don’t think I have the psychology for this. I think I’m wired for testosterone.” She looked at Suze. “I don’t think you have the psychology for it, either. I think you’re using me to distract yourself from Riley. And I don’t think it’s going to work.” Nell went back to the lasagna. “Are you sure there’s tofu in this?”

  “Positive,” Suze said and picked up her ice cream spoon. “Lot’s of tofu, no zing. Like my life.”

  “I’ve got Riley’s number,” Nell said, reaching for the bread.

  “Positively not,” Suze said. “I’m a happily married woman.”

  I’m not, Nell thought, and toyed with the tantalizingly idea of Gabe while they finished off the lasagna and the bottle of wine.

  Chapter Twelve

  A week later, Nell was still refusing to act on her attraction to Gabe, so Suze cornered Riley at the Sycamore while they were waiting for Gabe and Nell and grilled him.

  “Nell and Gabe,” she said to him as the waitress put her ice tea in front of her.

  “Should be here very shortly,” Riley said. “Where’s your husband?”

  “In a meeting,” Suze said and then frowned as Riley concentrated on something behind her. “Another brunette?” she said, exasperated.

  “Blonde. Keep talking. You will anyway.”

  “Gabe and Nell. I think they need a push.”

  “Don’t interfere. They’ll get there, assuming they stop fighting long enough to notice they want each other.”

  Suze sat back in surprise. “You know about this?”

  “I work with them,” Riley said. “When he didn’t fire her the first week, I knew something was up. Also, he was not happy that we’d slept together.”

  “Nell’s pretending she doesn’t care.”

  “She cares,” Riley said. “And I’m bored with this conversation.”

  He was still trying to make eye contact with the blonde, or maybe he already had. She didn’t care enough to turn around and look, but she wanted his attention, so she leaned forward.

  “Listen, Scooter,” she said, and he frowned at her. “They’re going to need help. The French have this saying that in every relationship there is one who kisses and one who is kissed.”

  “What French?” Riley said. “You’re French?”

  “I took French 101. It means in every couple, there’s one who calls the shots and one who obeys.”

  “I got that,” Riley said with palpable patience. “Why should I care?”

  “Gabe and Nell are both kissers,” Suze said. “Nell ran Tim, and Gabe ran Chloe and the office and you.”

  “Not me,” Riley said.

  “You and I are kissees,” Suze went on as if he hadn’t spoken. “Other people come after us. That’s why nothing is ever going to happen with us. We’d spend the rest of our lives waiting for the other one to make a move.”

  “You, maybe,” Riley said. “I move. Just not on you.”

  “But Gabe and Nell are forever going to be kissing, trying to be the one on top. They’re so caught up in fighting over who gets to call the shots, they’re never going to connect and kiss for real.”

  “So they’ll learn to share,” Riley said, starting to look grumpy. “I am not a kissee.” He looked beyond her and his face cleared.

  Suze gave up and turned to see. The blonde was getting up to go, smiling at Riley.

  Riley smiled back.

  Suze turned back and picked up her tea. “I rest my case.”

  “What?” Riley said. “I’ll make my move when I want to.”

  From the corner of her eye, Suze watched the blonde pick up her purse and move toward the door, slowing as she went past Riley. He lifted his face to say something to her, and she handed him a business card.

  “Call me,” she said and left, pushing past Gabe and Nell, who were on their way in.

  “Kissee,” Suze said to Riley.

  “I prefer to think of it as ‘popular,’” Riley said, stowing the card in his pocket. Gabe pulled out the chair next to him for Nell, and Riley looked up and said, “What took you so long?”

  “Places to go,” Nell said.

  “Things to do,” Gabe said and sat down beside Suze. “What’s new?”

  “Some woman just picked up Riley,” Suze said.

  “It happens,” Gabe said. “He sits there and they throw themselves at him.”

  “Kissee,” Suze said to Riley.

  “Kiss off,” Riley said. Later, when he was helping her on with her coat, she leaned back and whispered, “Push him, will you?” Riley sighed and rolled his eyes, but after fourteen nights of decoy work, she could read him like a book. He’d do it.

  Now all she had to do was get Nell in motion, and at least somebody would be getting zing.

  * * *

  The next night, Gabe listened to Nell out in her office ask Riley if there was anything else he needed before she went home. Marlene’s nails clicked on the hardwood floor as she made her last tour of the reception room, stopping longest at the Christmas tree Nell had put up after he’d told her not to, and Gabe felt the early evening melancholy that had been taking him lately. The place was always different after Nell was gone, as if she took sound and light with her, but that was probably because she always left after five when the whole world got quieter and darker.

  Riley knocked on the door and came in. “I’m quitting for the night. You need anything else?”

  “Lynnie,” Gabe said. “Helena’s diamonds. Stewart Dysart.”

  “Jesus, Gabe, get over it,” Riley said.

  “She was not the type to go quietly away,” Gabe said. “She’s somewhere planning something. And I’d really like to know where the hell Stewart is, too. I’d love to find a link between them, find out that he was the one who sent her in here to look for something, the one who told her who to blackmail at O&D. I asked, but no Lynn Mason ever worked at O&D. She forged her reference from there, and of course your mother never checked it.”

  “Maybe she was there under another name,” Riley said. “Listen, I’ve been thinking. Nell’s a very attractive woman. That red T-shirt she’s wearing—”

  “Don’t fuck the help,” Gabe said.

  “Not for me,” Riley said. “You.”

  “O
h, no. I can only imagine what all that ruthless efficiency would be like in bed.” The thought held a perverse kind of appeal, so Gabe shoved it out of his mind.

  “I bet you can,” Riley said. “You’re pathetic.”

  “Go away.”

  “You’re also in denial.”

  Gabe sat back, exasperated. “Do you have a point?”

  “This thing you have with Nell—”

  “There is no thing.”

  “—is so obvious that you’re the only one who hasn’t noticed.” Riley stopped and reconsidered. “Although I’m not sure she’s caught on, either.”

  “Which would leave you to do the noticing. No, thank you.”

  “Suze Dysart mentioned it.”

  Gabe raised an eyebrow. “When did you discuss this with Suze Dysart?”

  “We had a drink last night,” Riley said. “Waiting for you, remember?”

  “I noticed Jack wasn’t there.”

  “He had a business meeting.”

  “At night?”

  “I didn’t mention that.”

  Gabe sighed and rubbed his forehead. “He was very sincere about not cheating on her when he talked to us about the blackmail thing.”

  “That was three months ago. Jack’s not known for his attention span.”

  “Well, until Suze hires us to catch him, we don’t care. Don’t you have something to do? What about the Hot Lunch?”

  “Nell did it,” Riley said. “Here’s something fun. Gina’s dating a girl this time.”

  “Really?” Gabe said. “Good for Gina. That should rev Harold up some.”

  “More than some. This time he’s upset. He says it’s disgusting.”

  “Harold should broaden his horizons.”

  “That’s what I said. I told him if he played his cards right, he might get them both in bed as an apology.”

  Gabe winced. “And he said…?”

  “That he wants to deal with you from now on,” Riley said, cheering up some. “I’m a pervert.”

  “We already knew that.” Gabe sighed. “Okay, what are you doing while I talk Harold down from the ledge?”

  “The Quarterly Report,” Riley said, losing his smile. “Trevor says Olivia is acting more suspicious than usual. He’s worried.”

  “And Merry Christmas to you,” Gabe said. “At least you get to go to bars for the holidays.”