Fast Women

by Jennifer Crusie

  * * *

  On Monday, Gabe smelled coffee as he came down the stairs from his apartment and felt unaccountably relieved. Of course Nell hadn’t really left him. She was a sensible woman. She loved him. She—

  He stopped in the doorway to the office.

  She was Suze, looking like a Hitchcock blonde in a well-cut gray suit a lot like the one Nell had been wearing when she’d put her shoulder into his window that first day.

  “Hi,” Suze said, pouring his cup of coffee. “Nell sent me to fill in until you find somebody else. I’m hoping it’s just until you come to your senses and beg her to come back.”

  “Do you have any idea how to run this office?” Gabe said.

  “Like Nell did?” Suze nodded. “She’s been showing me things right along. I can’t solve any problems, but I can keep the place going.”

  “Who’s running The Cup?”

  “Margie. Since it was an emergency, she told Budge she had to come back.”

  “You’re hired,” Gabe said. “As long as you don’t mess with my business cards, you can stay.”

  “Your business cards are butt-ugly,” Suze said.

  He took his coffee cup from her, said “Thank you,” went into his office, and sat down at his desk.

  His father’s pinstriped jacket sneered at him from the coatrack, reminding him of Nell and those long, long legs.

  “Suze,” he yelled and she came in. “Get rid of that coat. And take the hat while you’re at it.”

  “Okay,” Suze said, collecting them. “Anything else?”

  She stood in a shaft of sunlight from the window, possibly the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen in real life, and he wished she were Nell.

  “No,” he said. “Thanks anyway.”

  * * *

  Suze took the hat and coat out to the reception room and stowed them in the closet there. Until Gabe got out of this mood, she wasn’t getting rid of anything. She sat down at the desk and called up the appointment log as Riley walked in and stopped dead in the doorway.

  “No,” he said.

  “What?” she said. “I’m just filling in until they get over this.”

  “No, you are not,” he said, looking like a maddened bull. He pointed to the doorway. “Out.”

  “Gabe said I have the job,” Suze said. “What’s the matter with you?”

  He walked past her and went into Gabe’s office without knocking, and she heard him say, “No, no, no,” before he slammed the door.

  What the hell was wrong with him? She got up and pressed her ear to the door, but she couldn’t hear anything, so she turned the doorknob slowly and pushed the door open just enough to hear Gabe say, “Get over it. We need her until Nell comes to her senses.”

  “Nell is not going to come to her senses,” Riley said. “Nell is right. You are wrong. Go apologize and get that blonde out of here.”

  Good for you, Suze thought, ignoring the blonde part.

  “You know, there’s a distinct possibility she doesn’t want to sleep with you,” Gabe said. “It’s not inevitable.”

  “Yes, it is,” Riley said. “She goes.”

  Me? Suze thought.

  “She stays,” Gabe said. “Grow up.”

  “Let me ask you this,” Riley said. “Has there ever been, in the sixty-year history of this firm, a secretary one of the partners didn’t sleep with?”

  “No,” Gabe said. “But we’re coming up on a brand-new century. Anything is possible.”

  “That’s why I want her out of here,” Riley said, and his voice was closer, so Suze scrambled back to her desk and was typing gibberish as he came out the door and glared at her.

  “What is your problem?” she said to him, as innocently as possible. “I’m a terrific worker.”

  “I have no doubt,” Riley said. “It’s not you. Exactly.”

  “Well, then?”

  “We have a tradition here. You don’t fit it.”

  “Oh, please,” Suze said. “I do, too. I’m perfect for it.”

  “What?” He look startled, and she pointed at the black bird on the filing cabinet.

  “The Maltese Falcon,” she said. “Sam Spade. I make a great Effie Perine. You can even call me ‘Precious.’ I’ll gag, but I’ll handle it.”

  “You know The Maltese Falcon?”

  “Of course, I know The Maltese Falcon,” Suze said, annoyed that he thought she was stupid. “It’s not my favorite but—”

  “What’s wrong with it?” Riley said, looking belligerent again.

  “Sam Spade, for one thing,” Suze said. “That ‘I won’t play the sap for you, sweetheart’ bit. What a crock.”

  “Hey,” Riley said. “Do not criticize Sam—”

  “He spent the whole story playing the sap for her,” Suze went on. “She fed him one line after another and he bought them all because he wanted to sleep with her, and then she slept with him and he bought some more because he wanted to continue sleeping with her. If they’d stuck a spigot in him, they’d have had maple syrup.”

  “You clearly do not understand the code,” Riley said.

  “What code?” Suze snorted. “He was sleeping with his partner’s wife. That’s a code?”

  “Women are treacherous—” Riley said.

  “You’re pathetic,” Suze said. “I have work to do. You can go.”

  “—but I’m on to you,” Riley went on. “I won’t play the sap for you, sweetheart.”

  “Oh, sure you will,” Suze said and turned back to the computer.

  “Probably,” Riley said and went into his office.

  Suze sat and stared at the computer screen for a minute and then she got up and went into Riley’s office. “Since you hate me anyway,” she began.

  “I don’t hate you,” he said, looking annoyed.

  “—I slept with Jack Sunday night.”

  He was still for a moment, and then he leaned back in his chair. “Congratulations.”

  “I feel really stupid,” Suze said. “I was really getting over him and—”

  “Suze, you were married to him for fourteen years. You don’t just walk away from that. At least women like you don’t.”

  “What do you mean, women like me?”

  “You loved him for a long time. It takes a while to get over a long marriage.”

  “Two years.”

  “What?”

  “You said two years. When we were talking about Nell.”

  “Right,” Riley said. “Most people are pretty much back on track after two years.”

  “I’ll be thirty-four,” Suze said.

  “And still a babe,” Riley said. “Relax and give yourself some time.”

  “You are being awfully nice about this,” Suze said. “What’s wrong with you?”

  “I don’t hit people when they’re down. However, you seem to be recovering nicely, so watch it from now on.”

  Suze nodded and turned back to the doorway.

  “So you came in here so I’d be lousy to you?” Riley said. “Thanks a lot.”

  “No. I had to talk about it with somebody, and for some reason I picked you.”

  “Okay,” Riley said. “You all right?”

  “Yes,” Suze said and took a deep breath. “I certainly am.”

  * * *

  Nell was sitting at her dining room table, drinking her third cup of coffee and trying to think of a plan, any plan, when the phone rang. Gabe, she thought, but when she picked it up, it was Jack.

  “Hello, Nell,” he said with his usual I-hate-you-because-you-broke-up-my-marriage chill. “Is Suze there? She’s not at home or at The Cup.”

  “No,” Nell said. “Can I take a message?” You adulterous weasel.

  “Do you know where she is?” Jack said, and then as an afterthought, “Why are you home?”

  “I quit,” Nell said, figuring it was the easiest way to get rid of him.

  “You quit.” Jack was quiet for a few moments, long enough for Nell to wonder what the hell he was doing.
Gloating didn’t take that long, at least not for something as minor to Jack’s existence as her employment. “I got the impression you were pretty much running the place,” he said finally.

  “Gabe got that impression, too,” Nell said. “Don’t worry, I’ll find something.”

  “Of course you will,” he said automatically, and she frowned at the phone. He wasn’t gloating at all. “Well, best of luck,” he said finally and hung up, and Nell thought, What was that all about?

  Half an hour later, he called her back.

  “She’s still not here, Jack,” Nell said.

  “I know,” Jack said. “I was just talking to Trevor, and he suggested you come work for us. And I think it’s a good idea.”

  “What?” Nell said. “Jack, you hate me.”

  “That’s a little strong,” Jack said. “I don’t think you helped my marriage any, but you are my sister-in-law. You’re family. I want to help.”

  Sure you do. He was up to something. Seven months earlier, Nell would have told him to stuff his lunch, but working with Gabe and Riley had taught her the benefits of finding out why people did things.

  “That’s so sweet of you, Jack,” she said, making her voice as mellow as possible. “Really, I’m touched.”

  “Family is family, Nell,” Jack said, equally mellow. “Why don’t we have lunch at the Sycamore at twelve and talk about it?”

  “The Sycamore,” Nell said. “All right. Thank you.”

  “Anything for family,” he said.

  Nell hung up and thought, The lack of sincerity in that conversation was frightening. What could he possibly want with her? And why the Sycamore?

  It must be Suze. He couldn’t possibly be hoping she was going to talk Suze into going back to him. Not even Jack was that delusional. But the Sycamore? Maybe he was hoping it would get back to Suze? Make her jealous? “This should be interesting,” she told Marlene.

  She picked up the phone and called the agency, praying Suze would answer instead of Gabe. She did.

  “I just got an invitation to lunch from your husband,” Nell said. “At the Sycamore. I’m going.”

  “From Jack?” Suze sounded dumbfounded.

  “He’s up to something,” Nell said. “And I don’t have anything to do today.”

  “Well, take notes,” Suze said. “We’ll discuss it later.”

  “Any tips?”

  “When he’s charming, he can be really tricky. If he’s knocking himself out for you, he’s going to be hard to resist.”

  “This is me,” Nell said. “He’s a weasel.”

  “I don’t care,” Suze said. “He’s good.”

  “Not as good as I am,” Nell said. “I’ll drop Marlene off on my way.”

  * * *

  While Suze was on the phone, Gabe was trying to concentrate on a report. He gave it up gladly when Lu knocked on his door and came in.

  “Nell isn’t out there,” she said, sniffing.

  “I know Nell’s not there,” Gabe said, and then he got a good look at Lu’s swollen eyes and quivering mouth. “What’s wrong?”

  “Jase and I are over.” Lu swallowed hard before she sat down. “Explain men to me.” She was trying so hard not to cry that her whole face wavered.

  “They’re all after one thing,” Gabe said automatically, horrified at how destroyed she was. “What happened?”

  “It can’t be that,” Lu said. “He got that.”

  “Okay, I’ll kill him,” Gabe said.

  “No, you can’t, I love him.” Lu sniffed. “I know that’s dumb, but I can’t help it.”

  “What happened?” Gabe said again, holding on to his anger with everything he had. “I thought this was forever.”

  “I thought so, too,” Lu said and sobbed again. “But he won’t marry me.”

  “Oh, Christ,” Gabe said, going cold. “You’re pregnant.”

  “I am not!” Indignation cleared Lu’s face. “What do you think I am, stupid?”

  “No,” Gabe said, taken aback. “I got confused on the marriage part.”

  “I love him,” Lu said. “I want to marry him.”

  “You’re too young,” Gabe said automatically.

  “That’s what he said.” Lu sniffed one more time and then straightened in her chair. “He said we had to wait until we’d both graduated. That’s more than three years.”

  Gabe silently apologized to Jason Dysart. “Okay, calm down. You proposed to him?”

  “Well, he wasn’t,” Lu said, looking annoyed. “I mean he’s been telling me he loved me for months, and he does, you know. He really does. He’s wonderful. We’re wonderful together. Like you and Nell.”

  “Bad comparison,” Gabe said, grimly. “Nell left me.”

  “Did you ask her to marry you?”

  “No,” Gabe said, taken aback. “My God, no. What are you talking about?”

  “I thought maybe it was a family thing,” Lu said, miserable. “You know, you start talking marriage and they bolt.”

  “Lu, Jase is right on this one. Although I don’t see why he dumped you,” Gabe said, thinking, Like mother, like son. Why anybody ever got involved with a Dysart—

  “That was me,” Lu said, looking miserable again. “I told him if he didn’t marry me, it was over.”

  “That was stupid,” Gabe said, and Lu burst into tears. “Well, I’m sorry, but it was. If you really love him, you don’t give him an ultimatum and walk out the door, you stick around and fix things.” He thought of Nell, her chin stuck out, walking past him. Quitter.

  “Are you going to fix things with Nell?” Lu said, glaring at him through her tears.

  “No,” Gabe said. “I’m going to wait until she comes to her senses and comes back on her own. I don’t like emotional blackmail.”

  “You and Jase,” Lu said. “You’re both willing to lose the women you love rather than do the right thing. You’re willing to be alone forever.”

  She burst into tears, and Gabe went around the desk and hauled her up out of her chair. She leaned against him and he put his arms around her. “Look, if you’re unhappy, go get him back.”

  “How?” Lu said wetly into his suit jacket.

  “Unless he’s an idiot, if you start with an apology and take back the ultimatum, I’d say you’ve got it made.”

  “I’m not going to apologize,” Lu said. “I’m right.”

  “And alone,” Gabe said, steering her toward the door. “Being right is cold comfort, honey. And to tell you the truth, you’re not that right. Let me explain the art of compromise over lunch.”

  “You?” Lu said, blinking at him as she let him guide her out. “This should be good.”

  On the way out, he said to Suze, “We’re going to lunch. Back in an hour.”

  “Lunch?” Suze said brightly. “You know, the Fire House does a nice lunch.”

  “I want a Reuben at the Sycamore,” Lu said, bending to pat Marlene who was stretched out on the couch in her trenchcoat.

  “Excellent Reubens at the Fire House,” Suze said. “And it’s quieter.”

  Gabe watched her smile encouragingly at Lu. “Since when are you a fan of the Fire House?”

  “Oh, I’ve always been a fan of the Fire House,” Suze said. “It’s right around the corner from me. They do an almond-encrusted trout that—”

  “What’s going on?” Gabe said.

  “Nothing,” Suze said.

  Gabe leaned on the desk, looming over her. “You are the worst liar I have ever met.”

  “Don’t get out much, do you?” Suze said and turned her back on him to work on the computer.

  “Is there something wrong?” Lu said.

  “We’ll find out when we get to the Sycamore,” Gabe said and watched Suze’s shoulders slump in defeat.

  * * *

  When they were gone, Suze buzzed Riley and said, “Is Gabe the jealous type?”

  “In general, no.”

  “Because he’s going to the Sycamore with Lu, and he’s going to see
Jack having lunch with Nell.”

  “Wonderful,” Riley said. “If you mean is he going to go kick sand in Jack’s face, no. If you mean is he going to come back in a lousy mood, yes. Why the hell is Nell having lunch with Jack?”

  “Because he asked her to. Also it’s a free lunch.”

  “There is no free lunch,” Riley said. “You hungry?”

  “Yeah, you and I having lunch at the Sycamore is exactly what this mess needs,” Suze said. “I’m staying here. Somebody has to call 911 when the shouting starts.”

  “I was thinking more about Chinese takeout,” Riley said. “You couldn’t pay me to have lunch at the Sycamore today.”

  “Extra potstickers, please,” Suze said.

  * * *

  “Vinegar with the fries, please,” Nell said when the waitress had taken their order.

  Jack laughed, and the waitress smiled her appreciation of Jack laughing. He really was a good-looking man, Nell thought, that rugged face, that silver hair, and those blue, blue eyes. It was so unfair. Men got better as they aged and women looked worse. How did that happen? It had to be perception, the idea that older men were richer and smarter, maybe. Of course, older women were usually richer and smarter, too, but those weren’t selling points for women. High and tight were selling points for women.

  “I’m glad you could join me,” Jack said, and Nell refocused on him. “I know things have been strained between us, and that’s not good for anybody. So how about coming to work for Ogilvie and Dysart?”

  Nell thought, Me and the O&D files. “I’d love to.”

  “I can’t believe Gabe let you go,” Jack said, picking up his wineglass. “You revitalized his place.”

  “Well, my work there was done,” Nell said. “Onward and upward.”

  “You revitalized yourself while you were at it,” Jack said, smiling at her over his wine. “I’ve never seen you look this beautiful.”

  Oh, please. “Thank you,” Nell said. “I did a little remodeling.”

  “That color’s great on you, too,” Jack said, gesturing to her purple sweater.

  “It’s Suze’s,” Nell said and watched his smile fade for a moment. “We traded wardrobes. She got enough gray suits to do a Vertigo remake.”

  He sat back and surveyed her for a moment, and Nell told herself not to fidget. What the hell was he doing?

  “It looks better on you,” he said finally. “It really does.” He sounded faintly surprised, which added a veneer of honesty to the compliment. “You look great.”