Fast Women

by Jennifer Crusie

  “Very subtle. If the Porsche gets stolen it’s nobody’s fault but your own.”

  “We can only hope they’re that dumb. I have it locked in the garage so they’ll have to make an effort to get to it.”

  “You are sure there’s nothing in it?”

  “Positive,” Gabe said. “I’m not that dumb.”

  “Jury’s still out on that,” Riley said, “considering your fine performance with Nell.”

  “Was there anything else, or are you leaving?” Gabe said.

  “Something else. Chloe called from London.”

  “Did she?” Gabe squinted at his notes. “Did you ask about the earrings?”

  “Yes. Your father gave them to her in a red box with a devil on it when Lu was born. He told her to save them for Lu when she got married. She wore them for the picture, and then she put them away and forgot about them until I asked.”

  “I knew she wasn’t a diamond kind of woman,” Gabe said. “He gave them to her in that box? The box with the car title?”

  “Yep. But she put the box on the shelf in the bathroom because of the picture on top of it. The devil. Bad karma.”

  “Chloe put it up on the shelf? Did it have the title in it then?”

  “She didn’t notice. But I don’t think anybody moved it since she put it up there, so my guess is yes.”

  “Then Lynnie never had it. So what was she looking for?”

  “The diamonds,” Riley said. “She was a diamond kind of woman. Back to Chloe. She talked to Lu, and Lu’s upset, so Chloe’s upset.”

  Gabe shrugged. “Lu and Jase are having some problems. They’ll work it out. I still don’t get how Lynnie knew Trevor or Jack or why they’d tell her about the diamonds.”

  “Pay attention to the present for a minute,” Riley said. “Chloe’s worried about Lu. She’s coming home.”

  “When?”

  “Should be here tomorrow. She was at Heathrow when she called.”

  “Okay,” Gabe said and went back to the computer.

  “And Nell called.”

  Gabe swung away from the computer. “Really.”

  “She found something at O&D. There were people listening, so she told me she’d tell me the rest tonight at the Long Shot. I’m meeting her at eight.”

  “There’s a coincidence,” Gabe said. “I’m meeting Gina Taggart there at eight.”

  Riley looked innocent. “I told Suze I’d take her there tonight, show her the ropes, so I’m meeting Nell there, too. Convenience. Not a coincidence.”

  “What ropes are there in a bar?”

  “I have my reasons,” Riley said.

  “I’m sure you do,” Gabe said. “And you did not tell Suze you’d take her to the Long Shot. You’ll tell her that when she gets back. You set this whole thing up so I’d see Nell.”

  “You’re a very suspicious man,” Riley said.

  “Am I right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Thank you,” Gabe said.

  When Riley was gone, Gabe sat back and thought about Nell and Suze and Chloe and then Nell again. He wanted Nell back. “Compromise,” he’d told Lu. Maybe he could corner her tonight and suggest a compromise. At this point, she could present a list of demands and he’d give her all of them. Except the window. But anything else, she could have.

  Oh, hell, she could have that, too, as long as she came back.

  He put Dean on and listened to “Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime,” while he keyed in the report and felt happier than he had since Nell had left.

  * * *

  When Nell got home that night at six, she showed Suze the picture in the newsletter.

  “We should take this to Margie,” Suze said. “We have time. We don’t have to be at the bar for two hours. And she’ll know about Kitty, I bet.” She put the newsletter down. “We should talk to her anyway. She’s been a little … strange at work this week.”

  “Work does that to some women,” Nell said, thinking of Elizabeth.

  Half an hour later, sitting at her kitchen table over a glass of soy milk, Margie squinted at the picture and said, “Yep, that’s Kitty. I always thought Stewart was sleeping with her.”

  “You don’t sound too upset,” Suze said.

  “Well, it was Stewart,” Margie said. “She could have him. In fact, I always thought she got him in the end.”

  “You think he left with her?” Nell said.

  “Well, I did. But if she came back, where is he?” Margie said, and then she put her glass down, horrified. “Oh, no. What if he’s back? What if he came back with her? What if they ran out of money and came back here for more? What’ll I do?”

  “You’ll get a divorce,” Suze said. “He’s the embezzler. He can’t make any trouble for you.”

  “Yes, he can,” Margie said, staring stricken at her soy milk. “I tried to kill him.”

  Chapter Twenty

  “Stop showing off, Marge,” Suze said.

  “I’m not showing off,” Margie said. “I hit him hard and he went down, blood all over the place. It was the only part of my marriage I really enjoyed.”

  She smiled wistfully, and Nell and Suze looked at each other. Then Suze picked up Margie’s milk and tasted it. “Amaretto,” she said. “Lots of it.”

  “Margie,” Nell said. “You’ve had enough calcium.”

  “It is impossible for women in our age group to have enough calcium,” Margie said, her voice tight with panic. “As you stand there, calcium is just dripping out of your bones. Budge says so.”

  “What’s he say about the Amaretto?” Suze said.

  “He doesn’t know about the Amaretto,” Margie said. “And he’s never gonna. What am I going to do about Stewart?”

  “Nothing,” Nell said, keeping her voice upbeat. “You did not try to kill him.”

  “Yeah, I did,” Margie said, sniffing and sipping at the same time so that she choked a little. “He was leaving on a business trip and Budge came by and told me he’d taken money from Daddy. So I told him he had to give it back or I’d leave, and he laughed and said that I didn’t have the backbone to leave, and even if I did, I wouldn’t be much of a loss because I was boring.”

  “Uh-oh,” Suze said.

  “And then he turned his back on me and I hit him with my Franciscan Desert Rose milk pitcher.”

  “Oh,” Nell said, believing her now.

  “It was on the buffet, full of Queen Anne’s lace.” She nodded into the distance. “That pitcher was a big sucker, and I caught him right across the back of the head with it. He went down like a rock. Queen Anne everywhere.”

  “Okay,” Nell said, regrouping as fast as she could. “Well—”

  “Then Budge came in, and I called Daddy, and Daddy called Jack, and I went upstairs, and they got him to the airport. And he never got on the plane.” She shook her head as if this were just one more example of Stewart’s perfidy. “So I figured he was with Kitty and the money.”

  “Budge was there when you hit him?” Suze said.

  “He was in the next room,” Margie said. “When Stewart came home, I made Budge go hide.”

  “Stewart didn’t see Budge’s car?”

  “He always parked over on the side street,” Margie said.

  “Always?” Suze said, straightening. “Margie?”

  “Well, Stewart was really awful,” Margie said. “In bed and out. And Budge is really good.”

  Nell got up and poured herself a milk and Amaretto. “Okay. You were sleeping with Budge while Stewart was alive?”

  “It seemed like a good idea,” Margie said. “Daddy doesn’t believe in divorce. He thinks Jack is a scandal.”

  “So do I,” Suze said and poured herself a glass, too.

  “So I was stuck. And then Stewart left, and there was Budge. I owe him, so I have to stay with him. Most of the time it’s all right, but sometimes he makes me crazy. Like he hates me working at The Cup. And the vegetarian thing. I mean, I do think being a vegetarian is important, but everybody
needs to cheat a little. I haven’t had a hamburger since he moved in. Sometimes I’d kill for a steak.”

  “That shattering sound you just heard was our illusions,” Suze said to Nell.

  “So then what happened? After Stewart left.” Nell nodded at Margie to encourage her.

  “Budge came back the next day and told me not to worry, that Daddy would see I’d have to divorce Stewart once he found out about the missing money.” Margie looked mutinous. “Except he didn’t. Daddy said he didn’t want any more scandal. He said he’d fix it so Stewart never bothered me again.”

  “Hello,” Suze said.

  “I think he was going to make him be a good husband,” Margie said. “Where Daddy got the idea he knew anything about being a good husband is beyond me.”

  “So you hit Stewart with the Desert Rose pitcher,” Suze said, the wonder still in her voice.

  “Keep up,” Nell said to her. “We don’t have time to stop and review.”

  “And he left and now I have Budge. Sex isn’t everything. And he really wants to get married now.” Margie put her nose back in her glass.

  “You know, you’re going to have to hit Budge with the milk pitcher, too,” Suze said.

  “Suze.” Nell smacked her with her foot.

  “Hey, if I could beat Jack to death with that damn Spode, I would,” Suze said, and Nell took her glass of milk away from her.

  “I really thought that if I just didn’t tell anybody, maybe nobody would ever know,” Margie said sadly. “But that never works.”

  “It’s okay, honey,” Nell said, pretty sure it wasn’t.

  “I have to go to the bathroom,” Margie said to nobody in particular and wandered off toward her powder room.

  “So Stewart’s come back annoyed because Margie pasted him with her Franciscanware seven years ago?” Suze said. “That doesn’t make sense.”

  “You’re forgetting the two million in insurance Budge wants her to collect,” Nell said. “That would bring a lot of people back from the dead.”

  “Margie better keep that pitcher handy,” Suze said. “Give me back my milk.”

  “Gabe and Riley are not going to believe this.”

  Suze took her milk back. “You think we should tell them?”

  “Of course we should tell them. Margie’s off the hook. Stewart got up and walked away.”

  “Okay. But maybe you should leave out the part about her clocking him with the pitcher. And sleeping with Budge.”

  “Which means I tell them what? That Stewart fell down on his way to the airport?”

  Suze looked conflicted. “She’s our friend and she was married to a son of a bitch.”

  “She did not kill him with earthenware,” Nell said. “She’s clear even if he’s dead. And he doesn’t appear to be dead. Although Lynnie didn’t sound like she was working with anybody. She wanted me to work with her, so he couldn’t be with her.”

  “She was also the queen of the cons,” Suze said. “Maybe it was a come-on.”

  “No,” Nell said. “I trust her.”

  “You trusted Tim, too,” Suze said, and Nell drank some more milk.

  Margie came back. “I feel kind of sick.”

  “Soy poisoning,” Suze said. “Lay off the milk for a while.”

  “Okay,” Nell said, pushing the rest of her own milk away. “We need to concentrate on the important stuff here. Margie, Stewart cannot hurt you, so stop worrying about him. And you don’t need to marry Budge if you don’t want to.”

  “Nell,” Suze said, warning in her voice.

  “Stop doing whatever he says,” Nell said.

  “Nell,” Suze said, and Nell looked up to see Budge standing in the living room doorway, looking like the Sta-Puf Marshmallow Man at the end of Ghostbusters, ready to take out a city.

  “Budge, she doesn’t want to get married,” Nell said.

  “Yes, she does,” Budge said. “She just thinks she doesn’t because you’re not. She thinks she wants everything you do, like an apartment in the Village, but she’d be miserable if she moved.” He came up to the table and put his arm around Margie, and his voice rose as he went on. “You’ve upset her. You’re always upsetting her. Every woman doesn’t have to be like you. Every woman doesn’t want a job and an apartment. Apartments are dangerous. Terrible things happen to women in apartments, rapes and burglaries and murders. Margie needs to stay here with me where she’s safe.”

  Suze said, “Margie?” but Nell knew it wouldn’t do any good. Margie would fight back about the time she threw out her dinnerware.

  “I think you’d better go,” Budge said.

  The last thing they heard as they went out the door was Budge saying, “You know your daddy doesn’t want you talking to them, especially Nell. You should have told them you couldn’t see them,” and Margie saying, “I need some more milk.”

  * * *

  On the way back down High Street, Suze said, “He makes me ill.”

  “That might be the soy and Amaretto,” Nell said.

  “That might have been me,” Suze said. “I used to listen to Jack like that.”

  “I let Tim pretend I was just the office help,” Nell said. “We do it because we want to keep the marriage going.”

  “I don’t think I’m doing that anymore,” Suze said. “Of course, I’m pretty gullible. I believe anything I think.”

  “I’m lying to myself about one thing,” Nell said.

  “Gabe?”

  “Marlene,” Nell said, staring at the dog on her lap, and Marlene picked up her head and looked at Nell to see if anything good was about to happen.

  Suze frowned at her, incredulous. “Marlene? Come on—” Then she broke off. “You’re not back on that I-stole-a-dog-from-its-loving-master thing, are you? He called her SugarPie, for heaven’s sake. For that alone the ASPCA should have tagged him.”

  “I love her,” Nell said. “I cannot tell you how much I love this neurotic dog. But she is neurotic. I adore her and she looks like I beat her daily. And if somebody took her from me—”

  “I don’t believe this,” Suze said.

  “It’s been nagging at the back of my mind,” Nell said, holding the dog closer.

  “I know,” Suze said. “I just don’t know why.”

  “We’ve been carrying guilt for so long,” Nell said. “You resented Jack, and Margie hated Stewart, and you both felt guilty about it. You faced Jack and you’re free. Margie won’t face Budge so she’s stuck.”

  “So you’re going to face Farnsworth?” Suze said. “Good luck on that one.”

  “I was thinking more of taking Marlene back to the yard,” Nell said, “and letting her go. And then if she trotted off toward the house and was happy, I’d know I’d done the right thing. And if she stayed with me, then I could keep her without guilt.”

  “And if she rolls over on her back and moans pathetically?”

  “Same thing,” Nell said. “That’s what she was doing when I dognapped her. It’ll be getting dark soon. We could do it now before I lose my nerve.”

  “Now?” Suze said. “Listen, I’m against this. I love this damn dog, too. Plus, she has that wardrobe. Will Farnsworth get her a leather bomber jacket for the chilly nights?”

  “Budge is holding on to Margie because he loves her,” Nell said. “He really does. I thought he was awful back there, but he wasn’t being mean. He was really tender with her. He thinks its okay because he loves her. I can’t condemn him for that and keep Marlene for the same reason.”

  “I think it’s different,” Suze said, but her voice wasn’t sure.

  “Margie’s going crazy from the frustration and the guilt. I always thought it was funny the way she solved everything with ‘maybe he’ll never know,’ but that’s how I am with Marlene. I want a clean slate, no guilt.” She took a deep breath. “I have to do it. And then we have to tell Gabe about Margie.”

  “Great,” Suze said flatly. “Nothing like ethics to ruin a perfectly good evening.”

 
; * * *

  A little after eight, when the sun had given up for the day, Nell walked a naked Marlene down the lot line to her old backyard. When they got there, she crouched down and undid Marlene’s leash and collar, and looked deeply into her eyes. “I love you, Marlene,” she said. “I’ll always love you. But this is your home. So if you want to go, it’s okay.” Marlene didn’t move, and Nell said, “Of course, if you want to come back with me, that’s okay, too.”

  Marlene yawned and looked around and then, evidently spotting something of interest, she trotted into the yard.

  So much for the old if you love something, set it free bit, Nell thought as she stood and watched her. Of course, the depth of Marlene’s feeling had always been a mystery. Nell wanted to yell after her, “You’re losing the chenille throw here, did you think about that?” but the only word that Marlene really knew well was “biscuit,” and it didn’t seem appropriate under the circumstances.

  Marlene examined the yard for a while and then sat down, bored, and Nell realized the flaw in her plan. Farnsworth was going to have to let Marlene in, but there was no way Nell was going to knock on the door and say, “Hi, I stole your dog seven months ago and the guilt finally got to me. Here she is. Bye.”

  Marlene continued to sit in the middle of the yard, looking disgruntled. Whatever had piqued her interest was over.

  Okay. Nell picked up a rock from the back of the lot and threw it at the back door. It hit low and made a good, solid thunking sound. She faded back into the trees, but nothing happened. Fine. She picked up another rock and threw it. Thunk. Nothing.

  Marlene observed the proceedings with interest, moving her head from Nell’s pitch to the impact on the back door twice without showing the slightest interest in chasing anything.

  “One more,” Nell said and threw the third rock, and this time, a woman opened the door, and the biggest German shepherd Nell had ever seen bounded out, barking like the Hound of the Baskervilles.

  Marlene turned on her butt and raced for the lot line, zapping past Nell before she could catch her, and Nell followed her almost as fast, praying that Farnsworth still put those electronic collars on his dogs and that the shepherd wasn’t moving too fast to stop. She saw Marlene streak into the street and Suze open the door of the Beetle. Marlene scrabbled into the car and then up and across Suze just as Nell opened the passenger door and slid in, grabbing Marlene and pulling her on her lap.