Fast Women

by Jennifer Crusie

  “Oh, please, how many running egg cups did you own?” Nell said. “You don’t even eat eggs in cups. Come on. Let’s get the last of this upstairs before she changes her mind and decides to keep it.”

  “She can’t,” Suze said, sliding off the freezer. “She needs the room for her incoming two thousand pieces of Fiestaware.” Suze dusted off the seat of Riley’s sweats. “You know, while she’s at it, she should get rid of Stewart’s golf trophy and Stewart’s freezer. After all, she got rid of Stewart.”

  “Let’s just get her out of the house.” Nell slid a box labeled “breakfast set” off the shelf and then, as she turned, caught sight of the freezer chest with the golf trophy sitting on top like a tombstone.

  Don’t be ridiculous, she told herself.

  “What?” Suze said.

  You’re just sensitive about freezers, Nell told herself. Lynnie would make anybody morbid about ice cubes.

  “Why are you looking at the freezer like that?” Suze said.

  Nell put her box down on the concrete floor, her heart pounding like mad.

  “You’re breathing funny,” Suze said, breathing a little funny herself.

  Nell swallowed and walked over to the freezer. She picked up the trophy carefully and set it on the floor, and then she took a deep breath and tried to lift the lid.

  It was locked.

  “We need a key,” she told Suze.

  “I’ll get it,” Suze said and came back a minute later with the key, saying, “Margie didn’t even ask me why.”

  The lid stuck at first, and then gave way with a creak, as if it hadn’t been opened in years, like a casket in a Vincent Price movie. But when Nell looked inside, it was full to the brim with everyday white packages labeled in black marker “porterhouse, 6/93” and “sirloin, 5/93.”

  “Thank God.” Nell leaned on the side of the freezer in relief. “Talk about a morbid imagination.”

  “They’re all from 1993,” Suze said, her voice sounding odd. “They haven’t used this freezer since Stewart left.”

  They looked at each other, and then they began to unload the top layer of white packages.

  “This stuff should be thrown out anyway,” Nell said, stacking beef. “It can’t be any good anymore.”

  “If it was, Margie wouldn’t eat it,” Suze said. “It’s not—”

  Her breath went out on a whoosh, and Nell forced herself to look at Suze’s end of the freezer.

  There, wrapped in green plastic, one cheek against a package labeled “grilled hamburgers 6/93” and the other next to a package labeled “grilled porkchops 5/93,” was something the size of a man’s head.

  Nell swallowed and took a deep breath and then she tore the brittle plastic away. Beneath it was an unpleasantly blue, pudgy face topped by blond hair with a lot of brown stuff crusted in it.

  “Stewart,” Nell said.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Suze said, “Oh, God,” and turned her back and slid down the side of the freezer case, and Nell shifted enough of the packages to see that the rest of Stewart’s body was there, that nobody had decapitated him or otherwise chopped him into steaks. “He’s all here.”

  “Oh, good,” Suze said faintly from the floor.

  “So,” Nell said, trying to keep her voice calm. She began to repack the freezer, taking pains to replace the meat as neatly as before.

  “Uh, Nell?” Suze said, her voice still unnaturally high.

  “We have to think,” Nell said, still stowing meat. “So we’ll just put this all back and think.”

  When she had the last of the packages back in place and the lid closed again, Nell sat down beside Suze, who had put her head between her knees.

  “He’s been in there since 1993.” Suze lifted her head. “That’s Margie for you. ‘Maybe they’ll never know.’ My God.”

  “Margie didn’t know,” Nell said. “She’s a vegetarian. You know how she feels about fresh food. She’d never look in here.”

  “It has to be Margie who put him there. Anybody else would have done something with the body in the last seven years.”

  “Like what?” Nell said. “Look, Margie couldn’t have put him in the freezer. Stewart outweighed her by a hundred pounds.”

  “She could have dragged him down here. By his feet.”

  Nell winced at the picture of Margie dragging Stewart down into the basement, his head bouncing on the stair treads. “Could you have kept Jack in the basement that long?”

  Suze tilted her head. “Yes. But then I’m really mad at him.”

  Nell tried to picture Tim wrapped in plastic in the basement in their old house. It wasn’t entirely impossible. There had been a time not too long ago that she would have positively enjoyed it. A little payback for freezing her out. “Maybe. But I think I might have trouble sleeping at night.”

  “Soy milk and Amaretto,” Suze said.

  “We have to call Gabe,” Nell said, and then she stopped, hearing voices upstairs.

  “What is it?” Suze said.

  “Budge,” Nell said.

  * * *

  An hour later, Gabe was scowling over the fire marshal’s report when Chloe knocked on the door, marched in, and plopped herself down in the chair across from him.

  “Our daughter is getting married,” she announced. She was tan and healthy and happy in spite of the concern on her face.

  “Welcome back,” he said. “Lu’s not getting married. He turned her down.”

  “What?” Chloe was, if anything, more upset. “How could anybody turn her down?”

  “He’s sane,” Gabe said. “Also he’s a good kid, and he loves her. He’s not going to screw up her life, although she’s doing her damnedest to screw up his.”

  “You like him,” Chloe said.

  “I like him,” Gabe said. “I’d like him better if he wasn’t sleeping with my daughter, but somebody’s going to do it, so it might as well be him.”

  “He’s a Pisces.”

  “Is that good?” Gabe said. “You’re a Pisces, right?”

  “For you, it was awful. You’re a Taurus. For Lu, it’s excellent. She’s a Capricorn. What do we know about him?”

  “He’s Nell’s kid.”

  “Really?” Chloe sat back, calm again. “Have you realized Nell is your soul mate?”

  “Yes. Try not to gloat.”

  “I’m not gloating, I’m happy. Even with the stars behind you, you could have screwed that up.” She stood up. “I’m going to go home and call around until I find Lu. I want to meet this Jason.”

  “You’ll like him,” Gabe said. She turned to go and he said, “Hey. It’s good to see you again.”

  “It’s good to see you, too,” she said. “I’m going to Tibet next. You know anybody who’d like to buy The Cup?”

  “Possibly,” Gabe said. “Put Nell on it.”

  She nodded and left, and he thought, Tibet? and then dismissed her from his mind. Half an hour later, there was another knock on his door and this time Lu stuck her head in. “Can we come in?”

  “We who?” he said, and she pushed the door open farther and came in, pulling Jason Dysart behind her. “Oh.” He felt suddenly guilty because he hadn’t called Jason the night before. If he’d gone to see his mother and found that burned-out apartment—

  “We’re engaged,” Lu said, her eyes bright, daring him to make a scene, making him forget the fire for a moment. “See?”

  She held out her hand, and Gabe was taken aback at the size of the ring.

  “You knock over a jewelry store?” he said to Jase, wanting to smack the kid for tying Lu down so young.

  “My mother’s china cabinet,” Jase said, looking fairly miserable for a newly engaged man.

  “Do you want this?” Gabe said to him, ignoring Lu. “Or are you just caving in because she cut you off?”

  “I want this,” Jase said, his face darkening at Gabe’s tone. “We’re going to wait to get married until I graduate, but not until Lu graduates. Compromise.”
>
  “And we’re moving in together,” Lu said, holding on to him tighter. “Next quarter. Jase has an apartment right on High Street. It’s so cool, with a sun porch and everything.”

  “And you’re expecting me to help pay for it,” Gabe said.

  “No,” Jase said before Lu could say anything. “I’ve got it covered.”

  “You’ve got a job,” Gabe said, leaning back in his chair.

  “I’ve always had a job,” Jase said. “I’ll just work some extra hours. Not to mention what I’ll save by not dating.” He looked down at Lu. “I do have to give up dating, right?”

  She grinned back at him. “Only if you want to live.”

  Jase shrugged. “See? Plenty of money.”

  Gabe shook his head at Lu. “You should be spanked for what you’re doing to this kid.”

  “I didn’t do anything,” Lu said, her smile dwindling.

  “You held your breath and turned blue until he gave you what you wanted,” Gabe said. “And now he’s going to work extra hours to make sure you have everything you need. I’m ashamed of you.”

  Lu’s smile disappeared completely.

  “Wait a minute,” Jase said.

  “And for the rest of your life,” Gabe said, staring his daughter down, “you’re going to remember that this is how he asked you to marry him. Not because he wanted to, but because he didn’t want to lose you.” He stopped, caught by the realization that he was doing the same thing with Nell.

  “I wanted to,” Jase was saying, but Lu was looking up at him, horror-struck.

  “That’s not what I wanted,” she said.

  “Then why did you do it that way?” Gabe said. “So what if he said no, he didn’t want to get married right away. Obviously, he loves you. That wasn’t enough?” It wasn’t enough for Nell. He chilled a little bit at the resentment that came with the thought.

  “I just—”

  “If love isn’t enough, Lu,” Gabe said, “you don’t deserve him.” Love should always be enough.

  “Hey, you’re supposed to be yelling at me,” Jase said, stepping in front of Lu. “I’m sleeping with your daughter, remember?”

  “Don’t push your luck, kid,” Gabe said, watching Lu.

  Lu tugged Jase back beside her. “He’s right.”

  “Oh, great,” Jase said, glaring at Gabe. “I knew we should have just sent you an e-mail. Do you have any idea of the hell I went through to get this?”

  “Because I blackmailed you,” Lu said. “That’s wrong. Daddy’s right, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I made you propose.”

  Gabe nodded at him. “And trust me, kid, you don’t want to spend the rest of your life trying to convince her you would have proposed anyway.” Like I did. Like I’m going to.

  Lu looked at him, startled. “Mom did that?”

  Gabe shook his head. “Your mom was great, always. But we had to get married. So I had to work a little harder to convince her I’d have married her anyway. It wasn’t always fun.”

  “But you would have,” Lu said, and Gabe shook his head.

  “No. I wouldn’t have. I wasn’t ready.”

  Lu swallowed. “Are you sorry?”

  “Nope. Your mom and I had a good marriage for a while. We had you. It was never bad. But she never bought it that I married her because I wanted to. And right now you don’t believe Jase proposed because he wanted to.”

  “I wanted to,” Jase said. “I honest to God did.”

  “Just not right now,” Lu said.

  “Well,” Jase said. “No. Although now that we did it, I like it. We’re good.”

  “No, we’re not.” Lu took off the ring and handed it back.

  “Oh, that’s just fine,” Jase said, and he sounded so much like his mother that Gabe flinched. “Now look what you’ve done,” he said to Gabe. “Do you have any idea how hard it’s going to be to talk her into this again?”

  “Yes,” Gabe said. “That was my plan.” He looked at Lu. “I’ll pay your half of the rent and expenses. He does not work extra hours for you. Not yet, anyway.”

  “Thank you, Daddy,” Lu said, and blinked back tears. “I think.”

  “I want to talk to Jase alone,” he said. “Go next door and say hello to your mother. She’s home.”

  “Mama?” Lu sniffed and left, and Gabe watched Jase watch her go. The poor bastard was really in love with her. That meant he was the one who was going to have to cope with her from now on. There was always a silver lining.

  Jase turned back to him. “I really do—”

  “I know, I know,” Gabe said. “And you promise to take good care of her. I got it. Good luck, kid, you’re going to need it.”

  “Okay,” Jase said warily. “So?”

  “Tell me what that ring has to do with your mother’s china.”

  “That’s between my mother and me,” Jase said stiffly.

  “She sold her china to get the ring,” Gabe said.

  Jase sat down in the client chair, looking even more miserable. “I told her not to, but she came over the next day and told me she’d sold it—”

  “I know,” Gabe said. “Believe me, I know how your mother works. Who did she sell it to?”

  “You don’t—” Jase began, and then his face cleared as he began to catch Gabe’s drift. “Oh. This dealer in Clintonville.” He began to search his pockets. “I’ve got the card right here. I thought maybe I could ask him to hold onto it until I could … Here it is.” He held up a business card.

  “Good,” Gabe said, taking it. “There was a fire last night. Your mom lost everything.”

  Jase froze. “Is she—”

  “She’s fine,” Gabe said. “Go next door and meet Lu’s mother and then later we’ll all have dinner.”

  “Lu’s mother,” Jase said and took a deep breath. “Any advice?”

  “You’re in, kid,” Gabe said. “You’re a Pisces.”

  Jase looked mystified. “Okay.”

  “One more thing,” Gabe said. “If you hurt my little girl, I’ll have you killed.”

  “Right.” Jase stood up. “If you make my mother cry again, I’ll kick your ass.”

  Gabe nodded, and Jase nodded back, still wary but looking much happier

  “Don’t tell anybody about this,” Gabe said.

  “Who’d believe it?” Jase said, and went out to meet Chloe.

  Gabe sat back and thought about Nell. He wanted her, he’d do anything to keep her, but she was right: the resentment could poison them. He shook his head and picked up the phone and dialed the dealer in Clintonville, who was delighted to hear from him. He traded his Visa number for the promise of next-day delivery and thought, Well, that’s one thing I’ve done right. Then he hung up the phone and it rang again right away. When he answered, it was Nell.

  “We have a problem,” she said.

  No kidding. “What now?”

  “We found Stewart,” Nell said. “He was in Margie’s freezer. Then Budge came by and threw us out. We’re at a pay phone at the Marathon station on Henderson, and Margie’s back at her house with her dumb boyfriend and her husband’s corpse. We’re okay, but we’ve been better. He really looked awful.” Her voice was high and much too flippant to be normal, but she sounded like she was coping. Nell always coped.

  Gabe exhaled. “Okay. Does Budge know you found the body?” He looked up to see Riley standing in the open doorway, his eyebrows raised at “body.”

  “I don’t know,” Nell said. “But he wasn’t happy to see us. He thinks we upset Margie. Margie’s drunk and selling Franciscanware on eBay.”

  “Stay there,” Gabe said. “We’re coming.” He hung up and said to Riley, “They found Stewart in Margie’s freezer.”

  “Of course they did,” Riley said. “Jesus.”

  * * *

  “More company,” Margie said, when she answered the door, not pleased. “Budge was here and so was Daddy. I told them you were coming back to help me clean the basement, but they didn’
t get the hint so I had to throw them out.” She looked severely at Gabe and Riley. “If you’re staying, you have to help. I’m very busy.” Then she went back to typing, Suze beside her, while Gabe and Riley went down to the basement with Nell and opened up the freezer.

  It was half full of protein from 1993, but no Stewart.

  “Budge,” Gabe said.

  “Budge is a wuss,” Riley said. “You think he got a frozen corpse out of a chest freezer by himself without throwing up or fainting? And Trevor is old.”

  “Well, forget Margie helping,” Nell said. “She wouldn’t be typing if she’d just seen Stewart.”

  “Jack,” Riley said.

  “What are they going to do with him?” Gabe said. “Look for another freezer?”

  “Jack has a freezer like this in his basement,” Nell said.

  “There’s a freezer at our place, too,” Riley said. “The town’s full of them.”

  Gabe closed the freezer lid. “If Stewart’s been in here since 1993, he didn’t kill Lynnie.”

  “Margie hit him and went upstairs,” Nell said. “Jack and Trevor and Budge handled it from there.” Her eyes went to the freezer and then slid away. “Do you think they all knew he was in here?”

  “No,” Gabe said. “I’m finding it hard to believe one of them left him here, let alone all of them. And at this point, I don’t care. I just want to know where that body is, and who killed him and Lynnie. We can fill in the details later.”

  By midnight, the police had come and gone, less skeptical about the missing-body-from-the-freezer story than they had been before Gabe filled them in on the background. By then, Margie had posted all her Franciscanware and was working on the rest of the house, oblivious to the fact that her husband had been living with her longer than she’d thought. “I think she’s discovered a way to get out of the house,” Suze told Nell. “She’s going to sell it out from under Budge on eBay.” When they’d convinced Margie that she could check her auctions on the agency computer and that Gabe would watch the house for her, she went to pack a bag so she could spend the night at Chloe’s. Gabe handed Nell his keys as they left.