Beginnings

by L. T. Smith

  Pure class.

  Before I knew it, we were clearing the pots away and stacking them in the kitchen ready to wash. The whole family joined in, me included. The only one who didn’t help was Tracy, which was no surprise. She just plonked herself back onto the chair and picked up the Sunday supplement from the newspaper and began flicking through the pages.

  Everyone took turns giving her a look as they passed, but she didn’t pay any attention to them, just carried on turning the pages and ignoring us all. I honestly couldn’t see what Stephen saw in her. She was nothing to look at, and he was gorgeous. Tall, with raven black hair that seemed tousled in his boyish way. His eyes were a darker blue than Ash’s but still intense … although they didn’t catch the sunlight like hers did.

  I caught myself staring. Not at Stephen … at Ash. She was so beautiful, and had a body to die for, although that rather defeats the purpose I suppose. Every movement she made seemed effortless … almost like she was a dancer on stage, captivating her audience with her graceful way.

  And she was only washing up!

  I stood there with the tea towel in my hand, gawping at her … mouth open … the works.

  ‘Ah … we have a fly catcher amongst us.’

  Ash’s dad had decided to come and stand directly in my line of vision and make a smart arsed comment. I can vividly remember ducking my head to the side to continue to watch, and then feel embarrassed for some reason.

  Funny how memories go. I can’t really remember much else apart from embarrassment … the scarlet sheen my face had adopted more than compensated for the memory lapse, and the voices around me took on a definite burring quality.

  The next thing I recall was a pair of twinkling blue eyes looking into my own and a firm hand on my arm. Her voice swept through me … caring tones … soothing tones … I looked at her, startled back into reality, and flushed even harder.

  If that is possible.

  ‘I have …’ A cough to relieve all the emotion in my voice, changing it from a high-pitched squeak to a tenor with a cold. ‘I have to go … I have to get home.’ Why did I lie? It was only eight o’clock, and I still had two hours before curfew.

  Worst thing was … Ash knew this. She looked at me slightly puzzled and her face dropped … just a little … but it dropped all the same.

  A nod. Swift and sure. She turned around, her back was my only view. ‘Okay … Will you be all right getting back?’ She sounded different somehow … distant for some reason. ‘I can get Stephen to run you home if you want … Tracy will have to lump it.’

  ‘I’m fine … honestly … I can walk …’ She turned around so quickly, my eyes spun in their sockets trying to focus.

  ‘You’ll do no such thing! Stephen! Stephen!’ And she was off, racing into the front room, leaving me standing there in her kitchen like a lemon.

  Thirty seconds later, she was back, her grin splitting her face. ‘Sorted. Stephen said he’ll take you at nine.’ I looked at her squarely in the eyes. She cocked her head at me, one eyebrow raised in challenge. ‘And you’ll still be early.’ Her expression begged me to argue with her … but I was no fool.

  Not then anyway.

  We spent the next hour in her room, sprawled on her bed, her music blasting from her record player. Every teenager’s dream … loud music and idle chatter. Ash had Yazoo’s Upstairs at Eric’s playing and we were lying on our backs staring at the ceiling. I had listened to the album before, as it was already a couple of years old, but hadn’t really paid it much attention before now.

  Then I heard it.

  The song.

  The song.

  Alison Moyet’s pure and sensuous voice filtered through the gloom of Ash’s room as ‘Only You’ started.

  Looking through the window above

  It’s like story of love

  Can you hear me?

  Came back only yesterday …

  And all I ever knew

  Only you …

  I felt my heart open and then … crack … a splintering splitting noise reverberated through me …

  All I ever needed was the love you gave

  All I needed for another day …

  ‘Lou? Lou? Are you alright?’ I snapped myself into consciousness, now fully aware I was sitting bolt upright, my hands balled into fists, the covers of her bed wrapped firmly within my grip. My knuckles white and nails were jabbing into the sensitive flesh of my palms.

  For a reason I had no clue about. ‘Are you …’

  ‘I’m fine, Ash … honestly … just felt a little bit of cramp coming … it’s gone now.’ Her face was so full of concern, and I felt like a git lying … again … to her. What was wrong with me? I had developed a deep-rooted need to lie through my teeth.

  The song had finished and the next one on the album had started. I couldn’t concentrate on the lyrics, as I felt slightly dazed by emotion. It was confusing, to say the least. How on earth … or should I say, why on earth had I reacted in that way to a song? I had heard it hundreds of times before and … nothing.

  Fifteen minutes later I was in Stephen’s beat up Ford Escort, Tracy in the front … glaring at me … her eyes screaming ‘Fucker!’ but her face oozed anxiety at my predicament of being without either a car, or a boyfriend with a car. At least I understood why she was such a troll. A fucking shallow one at that.

  I left Ash with a promise of getting in contact in the week; maybe have lunch if our timetables allowed it. She waved vigorously from her doorway, and was still there as her brother’s car turned the corner.

  I settled down into the back seat.

  What a day? Or evening … I should say. I made a promise to myself to buy Yazoo’s album. I don’t know why. Especially after my earlier reaction. It just seemed the right thing to do.

  But being a teenager at college, money was scarce … So, I decided to get myself a Saturday job … up the coffers a little bit. It would do me good to have a bit of cash to spend on things. And the sacrifice on part of my free time seemed a small price to pay for a little bit of monetary freedom.

  Bugger. I hated work … although it does fascinate me. I could, without doubt, watch it all day.

  CHAPTER NINE

  THE WEEK FLEW by in a blur, and I hadn’t seen Ash at all. This was mainly due to me avoiding all of the usual haunts, and telling mum I was too busy to take messages when she called … twice.

  I felt bad. I don’t know why … and I didn’t know why I was avoiding her. I wanted to see her … really wanted to meet with her for lunch, become part of her circle of friends … get to know her again.

  Then another week passed. This time with no phone calls … and I was withdrawing more and more into my own little world. I still had friends, but for some reason they didn’t seem to be enough. I didn’t see Ash at college, but strangely enough, I saw Tracy six times.

  Six fucking times!

  Each time was an experience, to say the least. Each time made my skin crawl as if I had scabies. A bunch of cronies sporting bad mullets and peroxide blonde fringes always flagged her. How cool is that? Lacy tops showed wife beater t-shirts underneath, and scrawny white arms reflected fluorescent lighting.

  In a word – trashy.

  I ignored her snide remarks as I passed, but swore one day to paste the living crap out of her. She was trying to intimidate me, thinking I was scared of her. If she only knew the thing that scared me the most was her smile … now that was freaky. Black kohl pencilled eyes showed a blankness that belied reason. She appeared to have the intelligence of an amoeba … and the sexual lure. God only knew what Stephen saw in her.

  But I didn’t care about Tracy … oh no. It paled in comparison to how I was missing Ash. The pain I had experienced as a child when I had lost her seemed to disappear when I realised how much I missed her now. And I had only seen her twice.

  The third time came on the Friday afternoon.

  Now there’s a memory. Even better than the rabbit incident … the treatment night and Ala
n’s dancing … even the free glass of lemonade. Although the overall effect combined caused more fear, laughter and embarrassment than the previous three memories put together.

  Do you want to hear it? Tough … you’ve got this far … now deal.

  I had just finished A level English and was making my way out of the door, chatting with Sue, another student, when I heard my name being called above the din. I couldn’t mistake that rich alto voice.

  Ash.

  I turned to see her fighting against the tide trying to get to me. Students shoved and mumbled as she ducked past them, her eyes never leaving mine … like a tractor beam luring me to her.

  I just stood there. Transfixed. Waiting for the ear bashing she was going to give me. I did feel guilty for ignoring her phone calls and the messages to call back.

  That wasn’t all I was feeling.

  No.

  Not by a long shot.

  Adrenalin pumped through my veins as I stood there waiting for her to get to me. It must have been less than a minute, but it seemed like a lifetime before she was standing, grinning, in front of me, making my heart bounce around trapped within my rib cage. I think it was in fear … or … I don’t know … it was just there like a tennis ball rebounding and punching the inside of my chest.

  ‘Hello stranger.’ That voice could melt butter straight from the fridge.

  Hold on a minute!

  Melt butter straight from the fridge? Where the fuck did that come from?

  I just stood there and grinned like a Cheshire cat … clearly the simple looking grimacing beetroot one you don’t usually come across in the illustrations for the children’s book. I started to nod, my mouth opening and closing, words escaping me and the only sound was that of a captured fish.

  She just stared at me, the grin fixed on her face in genuine affection, waiting for my dumb brain to acknowledge her with a simple hello.

  When it didn’t come, she shifted nervously, the smile leaving her face briefly, but coming back twice as powerful. ‘Where’ve you been? I’ve called a couple of times … left messages …’

  Thankfully, the mute spell that had bewitched me, lifted, and I spluttered out an incomprehensible excuse, which only made her grin wider and grab hold of me in a bone-crushing hug.

  ‘Oh … I’ve missed you, Lou. Don’t ask me why … but I have.’ Her breath tangled in my hair and brushed my cheek. Her arms were strong and I felt the feeling of safety cascade down my whole body … like I always did when I was with her.

  She pulled back and released me, the air of the corridor bouncing off my skin like an alien concept. I missed her closeness for some unknown reason. Weird, I know … but I did.

  ‘Fancy a coffee?’ I started to say no, but the look on her face made my resolve drift away. I couldn’t remember why I was avoiding her in the first place. Come to think of it … why was I avoiding her?

  ‘Love to.’ I didn’t want to analyse the reason for a teenagers whims … I must have had a good reason, but for the life of me I couldn’t think of it now. All I could think of was the enchanting look on her face; the crooked smile playing on her lips, an eyebrow lifted in question as she waited for my response.

  And maybe that was the reason …

  And maybe I should have said no and walked away …

  And maybe I wouldn’t have experienced the combination of rabbits … Derbac … and lemonade all rolled into one.

  Well … maybes don’t build experiences … and I was on a one-way trip to Experience Land.

  Unfortunately.

  The canteen, or refectory as some sad git called it, was packed, and we had to scrunch up in the corner with hot chocolates in polystyrene cups. A couple of art students were sitting opposite us with the traditional dyed black hair, makeup that would make Alice Cooper blush, and pasty white skin. They were giggling and religiously touching each other … quite inappropriately for a college canteen … erm … refectory.

  Boys today, eh?

  It was a bit of an eye opener that’s for sure.

  Before long, I had forgotten about why I had tried to avoid Ash and just glowed in her presence. She gabbled on about her courses, what she had been up to, whilst I barely said a word. I was content just to sit in her shadow and soak up all that was her.

  It was such a wonderful feeling … intense … but wonderful. The smile on my face grew wider and wider as she entertained me about some sad bastard on her course that couldn’t even make a cup of tea without adult supervision. He wanted to be a Solicitor … and couldn’t even work the washing machine. I felt sorry for his future clients.

  Within thirty minutes, I was laughing aloud at her antics, and was finding it increasingly difficult to breath. My chest ached with laughter … and with something else, which at that time I didn’t want to put a name to. Well … not as much didn’t, as couldn’t.

  I can’t tell you how long we sat engrossed in conversation, but I could distinctly feel the canteen empty … the touchy feely boys had long since gone, and then it was just me and Ash … again.

  ‘What are you doing tonight? Are you free?’ She leaned forward and looked me squarely in the face. ‘Me and a few friends are thinking about going to the Student’s Union … they’ve got a Karaoke night on.’ Still, she watched for any signs of refusal.

  But that was the last thing in my mind at that moment. I was caught by her eyes … I felt the room melt into nothing as I just sat there and stared at her eyes … transfixed by them … pulled into her by them … feeling emotions one friend shouldn’t be feeling for another.

  She didn’t back away. Her body leaned half way over the table and she just kept on staring … waiting … and if I wasn’t mistaken …

  ‘Excuse me, ladies.’

  Was that voice in my head? That rich, deep voice?

  Neither Ash or I moved … or blinked.

  A cough.

  Then another … louder … more insistent.

  Ash leaned back into her chair, her face slowly changing from the absorbed look from moments before, to wield a mask of slight confusion, her eyes squinting slightly as she searched my face for answers.

  ‘Ash?’ That voice again. ‘Have you forgotten our date?’

  The sound of brakes screeching to a halt in my chest nearly deafened me. The room seemed to grow terribly small and I grew huge and very exposed. Ash just blinked once and broke our gaze. Her eyes swung around to rest on the person standing next to our table.

  ‘Ben. Hi.’ My eyes followed hers, and took in the tall man standing, and slightly leaning towards Ash. And like a female, I digested everything about him. The blonde hair … green eyes … the solid build of his body … the tight fitting t-shirt that left nothing to the imagination. Which kind of fit in nicely with the tightness of his jeans …

  But it wasn’t attraction I was feeling … not by a huge stretch of the imagination.

  No.

  It was something I wasn’t used to. Never experienced before this moment.

  It was jealousy. The anger at being interrupted I had felt before. But jealousy? Definitely a new sensation, and to be perfectly honest, I didn’t like the way it made me feel.

  I sat there and watched him lean over me and kiss Ash on the mouth … on her lips … in front of me … on the lips. The kiss was featherlike, and lasted all of a split second, but I felt it … and not in a nice way.

  Ben still leaned across in front of me, and tried to stroke the side of Ash’s face, but I saw her pull back, only slightly, but she did pull back. I felt a smirk flit across my lips and had the urge to stick my tongue out at his back. Either he didn’t notice, or he was trying to ignore it.

  ‘This is Lou … a very good friend of mine. Ben … say hello.’ He turned his head around to look at me … but his eyes only rested briefly on my face as they travelled slowly down my body, only to rest on my breasts and then travel back up to my face again. I felt like I had been visibly undressed … almost an optical rape. Whatever did Ash see in a wanker l
ike that?

  ‘Well … hello there.’ What a creep. He stuck his hand into my face and I lifted mine in greeting – I was well trained after all. Then the slimy fucker kissed me on the knuckles. I wanted to backhand right across the mouth. Instead I ripped my hand away from his lips and gave him a look that could pickle testicles.

  Ash looked at me, and I’m sure I saw the remnants of a smile flicker across her face, but she didn’t say anything.

  ‘Feisty little creature aren’t you.’ God … could this bloke be anymore like a twat? ‘I like feisty.’

  Yes. He could.

  ‘Glad you two have met.’ That flicker again. ‘I was just asking Lou to join us tonight.’ Her face turned to me in question, and I was just about to refuse when I spotted a fleeting look of pleading swipe across Ash’s face.

  ‘I’d love to.’

  Where on earth had that come from? I didn’t want to spend my evening being leered at by this jerk.

  But I did want to spend the evening with Ash.

  And that is what it all boils down to isn’t it?

  The smile she bestowed on me actually illuminated the whole room. Whatever doubts I harboured were all sent whistling into the wind.

  Not the experience you were expecting, is it? No. Well I haven’t got to that part yet … give me time.

  We arranged to meet inside the Student’s Union at seven thirty, and at seven fifteen, I was nervously waiting outside, plucking up the courage just to go in.

  For the tenth time I smoothed down my top and ran my hands along my jeans. For the tenth time I licked my lips bringing them to shine. For the tenth time I tried to make my breathing slow down, as I imitated a cross between an asthma attack and a panic attack.

  And a little bit of hyperventilating for good measure.

  Finally, I entered the lobby to be greeted by the smell of pot. As it drifted up my nose, images of me sprawled on the floor, after falling off the stage, danced about in my head.

  I felt my face burn up. Christ … it had only been two weeks ago. I hoped no one would remember …

  ‘Look … it’s Agnetha!’