Beginnings

by L. T. Smith

  It was one thing that sprinted into my head and jumped up and down.

  Fuck. She did have big ears.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  WHAT WAS IT with her? Why did she have to be such a … I don’t know… such a pain in the arse? You would think we would be all over each other, in a friendship kind of way, considering we hadn’t seen each other in twenty years.

  But no. The only thing that was getting any action was my ability to go off on one at any given opportunity. What had happened to the Ash I had known back then? She seemed so cynical and angry all of the time. Where had that happy go lucky girl gone?

  Metaphorical head scratching moment methinks.

  I hadn’t heard from her since that day two weeks ago … almost. Funny thing was … I missed her. I know. Twenty years without a word and then ‘puff’, here she was back in my life again. In the flesh. Looking more beautiful than my heart remembered … and acting completely differently.

  Ah well …

  Work had taken up most of my time, especially since I had taken over Read’s case. I had spent my time reading through his files, speaking to teachers at the school, who all thought he was a wanker too, and I even interviewed his mother. Would have liked to speak to his father too, but he was serving four years in Wandsworth for breaking and entering.

  Nice to see the family genes didn’t stop with good old dad.

  His mother was neither use nor ornament. The typical council estate haircut and the skin-tight Lycra leggings found on the extremely rotund, to use a tired old euphemism, were firmly in place, alongside the continuous chain smoking. Maybe her fringe wasn’t peroxide after all.

  I spent, or more to the point, wasted, over an hour with her. She was trying to hold down a conversation with me, watch some crappy daytime show, and smoke herself stupid. Now, if I believed she could walk and chew gum at the same time, this wouldn’t have been a problem. But she couldn’t. End of.

  Eventually I had decided to call it a day and made arrangements to come back later in the week. Her acknowledgement to this was a brief look in my direction, a nod of the head, and then back to gawp at the talking box in the corner.

  It was on my second visit that I saw Ash again.

  Bugger.

  A younger version of Sam let me into the house, and I could hear voices being raised in the front room. My stomach forgot all about the smell, as my head and my heart both recognised Ash’s voice above the din of the TV. At least it stopped the gagging and retching I had to go through because of the smell of stale chip fat and cigarettes. But then again, there were the butterflies to contend with … the whole battalion of them inside my gut.

  ‘Can we turn off the TV, madam?’ I didn’t hear a response, but just thought I’d gone deaf when the house took on an air of eerie stillness.

  The scene that greeted me was something you would probably see on a crime prevention poster. Ash stood there in all her six-foot glory, hands on hips, whilst two uniformed policemen flanked her sides. She was looking down at Mrs Read with nothing short of contempt written all over her face.

  ‘I said I don’t know where ‘e is. He doesn’t tell me where ‘es going.’

  Ash just stared, the eyebrow twitching, needing to lift and help pin the woman even more firmly in her chair. She moved a step forward and lowered herself to her. ‘If you know what’s good for you you’d better start …’ She stopped, froze in a sudden way, and then raised her eyes to mine. I watched as her mouth dropped just a little … then snap back in place.

  ‘Detective Inspector. Good to see you again.’ I couldn’t believe how normal my voice sounded, a little too self-confident, a complete juxtaposition to how I was feeling.

  Ash stood up sharply, straightening her jacket with the palm of her hand. The look of shock had completely vanished by this stage, and she looked in control once again, the cocky grin appearing on command. ‘Miss Turner. What a pleasant surprise.’

  The two police officers just looked at each other, then me, then Ash. Neither of them said a word. Mrs Read was reaching for her cigs by this stage, apparently believing she was off the hook for the moment. Ash’s hand shot out and trapped hers under the gold packet. ‘I have already asked you nicely. Don’t smoke in front of me. I don’t want to breathe in your smoke.’

  Mrs Read just nodded, her hand slipping from underneath Ash’s to release the cigarette packet, although her eyes never left it, and I could see her lips twitching just to hold the cylindrical cancer stick in her mouth and puff away a few more years of her life.

  ‘I do have an appointment. Four thirty. Remember, Mrs Read?’ Of course, she didn’t remember. I could see it written all over her face. Not a spark of recognition … not … a … spark. Not surprising really, considering she had been watching a re run of Sally Jesse Raphael the last time I was there.

  ‘If you’re after Read, he’s not here.’ Ash’s tone was brusque, matter of fact and definitely to the point. If she had just said ‘Fuck off’ it couldn’t have been clearer. ‘And we don’t know where he is now, do we?’ A glare at Mrs Read, who graced both Ash and I with a brief look, before shaking her head and looking surreptitiously back at her cig packet.

  ‘I haven’t come to speak to Sam. Just his mother.’

  ‘Do you mind if we sit in?’ It should have come out like a pleasant request, but … I don’t know … it just got my back up for some reason or another.

  ‘Erm .. actually … I’d like to cover some sensitive areas with Mrs Read today. Mainly to do with Sam’s absences from school and…’ I caught the expression on Read’s mother’s face – she was trying to play it cool, but she knew her ticket was up. If a child continually plays truant, then the parents are fined, and it was the first time I had ever gained her attention.

  Ash spotted the change in her too, and I knew she wanted to stay … badly … and ask questions that she felt, as I did, the mother would be more receptive about answering.

  ‘No can do, Detective. This is a private case. If you want to find out more then you’ll have to make an appointment with me.’ I smiled to soften the blow. Bollocks did I. I grinned. Full out – teeth – the works. Ash’s teeth were grinding together – so I grinned wider. Both officers and Mrs Read were watching me with avid interest by this stage, so I coughed … coughed again … and composed myself.

  ‘So … if you don’t mind …’

  ‘I think it would be wise if we stuck around for a while.’

  ‘Okay.’ I saw the smug smile light on her mouth. ‘Just make sure you close the door on your way out.’ It started to slip. ‘We can make arrangements for your appointment when I’ve finished.’ Smile … completely … gone.

  It wasn’t until I saw her back disappearing through the door that I released the breath I’d been holding. I fully expected her to go off on one, as I had been up close and personal to the new Ash’s temper tantrums when things weren’t going her way.

  The fact my heart was begging her to stay was another matter completely. Funny things hearts … they still recognise their desire even if it has completely changed.

  Unfortunately.

  I turned in time to see Mrs Read lighting a cigarette, the obvious relief on her face making me want to hurl. I wanted to tell her to put it out, be more assertive, but instead I just placed my briefcase on the floor and bent over to retrieve Sam’s file.

  To the naked eye, I looked completely on task. But my head was far from the point at hand. It was with my heart, and that lay on the other side of the door.

  As expected, Ash was waiting outside for me. What I didn’t expect was for her to act sheepish. The uniformed officers were nowhere in sight … it was just her.

  ‘Hey … you ok?’ That tone. It was like a blast from the past. Soft. Caring. The Ash I remembered. I felt my insides do a jig and I felt a sense of home pervade me.

  ‘Fine. Does the term “sing like a canary” mean anything to you?’

  ‘I didn’t mean with Fag Ash Lil in there. I meant,
are you ok?’

  Once again … surprise. I know her tone was softer, but she actually seemed to want to know how I was feeling.

  And, as a woman of few words, I shrugged and mumbled a ‘yeah’.

  She came towards me, the swagger that had been prevalent all the other times I had seen her was well and truly gone now. Worry radiated from her face, and I couldn’t understand why. I had only been in the room with Mrs Read for just over an hour, and I wondered what had happened to make such a change in a person. Did I have a face full of spots? Or look flushed?

  I knew I felt fine … but you know how it is … when someone asks you if you’re ok and look at you like you are at death’s door, you kind of feel a little queasy. Stupid questions always gather and rant at the addled brain, begging to be told if the body had been invaded by the germ army.

  And this time was no exception. My stomach decided to gurgle and churn and I had the distinct impression my blood was surging up into my ears. Damned overactive imagination. Then, to add insult to injury, I felt my paperwork slip out of my hands and flutter all over the front garden … not good.

  Ash moved so quickly, and chased after errant sheets, slamming her foot down on top of the little buggers, snatching them up until she had them all safe and sound in her hands. Obviously I was dying, so I couldn’t help.

  ‘Here you go.’ And there she was … standing directly in front of me offering the papers like a sacrifice. My fingers reached out and clasped the corners of the sheet, as if I would be burned if I touched the places where her hands had been.

  I couldn’t even say thank you in case I hurled up over her, just raised my eyes to her chin and smiled weakly.

  ‘Look … Lou … I … erm … Look, I’m sorry for being a twat,’ I looked up. ‘You know … earlier.’ I faced her fully now, the blue eyes intense. ‘I don’t know why I acted like that… just under a lot of pressure to catch Spencer …’ Her voice trailed off, and my stomach and nausea calmed down a little, but the butterflies were back …jigging again. Little tykes.

  ‘No problem … I understand it must be a lot of pressure to pin anything on him. By the sounds of it he thinks he’s covered everything up …’

  ‘Can we go and grab a coffee or something to eat and talk about everything. I think there are a few things you should know.’

  ‘Like what?’ I was intrigued … to say the least, but just nodded.

  It wouldn’t hurt would it? Just a coffee … or a coffee with a bun … or two?

  I didn’t even think about the near death experience I had undergone minutes before – my stomach was on the case … more than my head was at this stage.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  WE WENT TO a café bar called The Lounge. Tables were scattered around the room housing couples in deep discussion, couples mainly of the same sex. I’d been here before … numerous times actually, and it was at my suggestion we were there again. Ash didn’t seem bothered about the fact this place was a rendezvous for gay people.

  In fact … she looked very much at home there. Actually knew where the restrooms were without me pointing them out.

  ‘Coffee?’ I nodded at her and claimed a table snuggled up in the corner. Within two minutes she was back, slipping her jacket from her shoulders and dangling it from the back of the spare chair.

  ‘Why didn’t you pick the sofas? They would have been so much more comfortable.’ I looked over into the corner where two sofas were nestled together and noted that one was already occupied by two women in deep discussion.

  ‘This is more private.’ Her eyebrow twitched and she sat down in the chair opposite, shuffling it around a little so it was closer to me.

  I was at a loss for words … you know … she was too close to me … in my space a little, if you know what I mean. I began to look at the paintings that were sale on the walls, anything but to look into her eyes. Stupid I know … I couldn’t spend the whole time looking away from her … but I didn’t feel capable of controlling this surging in my gut. I think it was her smell … the smell of her … the all-consuming smell that tantalised my nostrils and tried to obliterate reason.

  ‘Firstly, I’d like to apologise.’ This got my attention and I turned and faced her. She looked so serious, so intent on making me understand what she was going to tell me. ‘Not just for today … for, erm … the other two times too.’ I could see the rapid swallowing of someone who was dying of embarrassment, and knew it had taken a lot for her to apologise. Any one with an ounce of compassion would have said not to worry … it was ok…

  I just stared at her. Silent. Expectant. Wanting her to squirm …

  Our eyes were totally connected and it was such a weird sensation … almost as if I was being absorbed. Then she blinked … and blinked again… and then blinked again accompanied by a shake of the head, like reality had just hit her … like she had just realised where and with whom she was with.

  ‘I …erm …well, I honestly don’t know what go into me.’ If I had been able too, I would have put her out of her misery, but I was a little gobsmacked – not over what she had just said … but what she hadn’t said … what I had felt coming from her. I felt a clambering of something in her … something clambering to me … something wanting to be there with me … mute … content … and I couldn’t quite grasp the implications, or the motivations for that matter.

  ‘Just been under so much pressure and I took it out on you.’ Her eyes left my face and my skin felt cold. A strong hand reached out started to play with the sugar sachets on the table, and this made my focus drift to those capable digits. ‘I was out of order … but …’ I saw one of the sachets burst underneath her fingers and the sugar fall helplessly onto the table’s surface. The grimace on her face was instant, but she tried to cover it up.

  ‘Two coffees and a Chelsea bun?’ The waiter’s voice broke through and I saw Ash’s eyes flick around to take note of the waiter and the tray he was carrying. Her movements were jerky and she looked on edge.

  The time from the announcement until the waiter had gone seemed like forever. Sounds of the café took centre stage and I felt uncomfortable being there … almost felt alone in a room full of people.

  Ash had her face turned slightly from mine, and I studied her unnoticed … until her expression changed and I knew she would be turning back to face me. It seemed like it took forever for her head to swivel round, but by the time it did I was already engaged in the contents of my cup, pulling it towards me like a barrier.

  In my head I kept on seeing the open look on her face … the ‘something’ that had been there. I felt a seed plant itself inside my gut and stick. Deep down inside I wanted what I had seen to be there to actually have been there … that want … the same want I had not as far down.

  ‘Here you go.’ Soft. Her voice was so soft.

  My eyes lifted slightly and scanned the table to spy her hand holding out the plate with the Chelsea bun perched on there like an offering.

  The feeling washing over me was tantamount to agony. And all over a fucking bun at that. It wasn’t the fact I had a bun, or that I had actually wanted a bun … it was the fact she had thought I wanted a bun and got me one …it’s stupid … the feeling was unreasonable and stupid … and the deep ache ripping through my chest was testament to this stupidity. I must have been due on my period … I always turned into a mard arse just before it … you know … cry if someone wins a holiday on some crappy day time show … the works …

  ‘Thought you might be hungry.’

  And I was off … straight to the ladies, the motion of gripping my belly to indicate I needed the restroom for a call of nature rather than to release this emotion welling up inside.

  Inside the stall, I just leaned my head against the wall and allowed the feeling to consume me. I couldn’t grasp the cause of it. It was only a bun for Christ’s sake. But then again … it wasn’t. It was the feeling of connection … the feeling that she and I had connected for however brief a time.

 
; My reaction came from fear … I know that now. Fear of allowing this feeling of connection to take hold of me, take hold and open up to hurt all over again.

  Back at the table, Ash looked up from a small book she was holding in her hands. Her eyes searched out my own, and I could see the lines of worry etched on her face. A smile I didn’t know I could conjure, planted itself on my face and I slipped back into my seat with a mumbled ‘That’s better,’ before stretching out and grabbing the cooling coffee.

  ‘You ok?’ I flicked my eyes to hers and back to my coffee again before nodding vigorously.

  ‘Much, thanks.’

  We sat there in silence for a while, the bun sitting untouched, the coffee becoming cooler and cooler. Ash kept on shuffling around in her seat, crossing and uncrossing her legs. I knew she wanted to say something, and had the distinct feeling I wasn’t going to like it.

  It was only after we had ordered a second coffee that Ash plucked up the courage to say what she wanted to say. I honestly wished she hadn’t bothered. I wished she had kept her mouth shut and just let me live out the rest of my life in ignorance.

  ‘Lou?’

  It was something about the tone, I think. Something in that one word … that one syllable, that forewarned me.

  ‘I’ve a confession to make.’

  ‘Confession?’

  And she did look uncomfortable. My staring at her seemed to put her even more ill at ease, and she semi-stretched her arms out in front of her almost like preparing herself for battle.

  ‘You know you were called to the station to see Read?’ I nodded. ‘And I … erm … acted surprised to see you?’ I nodded again, but this time she just stopped and looked down at her hands whilst I dwelled on the two words ‘acted’ and ‘surprised’.

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘Well … I told them to call you.’

  Huh? Told them to call me? But how did she …

  ‘I know you’re wondering how I knew about you … well … erm … well … this is the tricky part.’