Beginnings

by L. T. Smith

  The pain ripped through me. She admitted it so easily … so readily …

  ‘I wanted you. Always have.’ Huh? ‘For twenty years I’ve wanted you … it’s always been you.’

  Blue eyes met mine and seemed to plead with me, but I was angrier now. How dare she lie about it? How dare she stand in front of me and treat me like an idiot.

  ‘You liar … you fucking liar!’ The last bit screamed from deep within, and I was on my feet and over to her, thumping the tops of her arms in temper. Water splashed everywhere, all over the both of us, but it didn’t cool me down. ‘How dare you!’

  She just stood there and took it, her fingers gripping onto the glasses more firmly. ‘You ran away. Told me you couldn’t. You weren’t like that …’

  ‘I never said I wasn’t like that … like you … like us.’ Her eyes flashed, as they looked straight into mine. ‘I ran because I thought I’d taken advantage of you.’

  ‘How on ear…’

  ‘You were drunk. Had a few drinks. I kissed you when you were drunk and I felt so ashamed.’

  I felt the symbolic punch to my gut. I felt my jaw drop open and snap shut again. I felt like a twat.

  But I just stood there in front of her completely at a loss for words. For some reason I was finding it hard to digest what she had said. Especially the bit where she had said she felt ashamed. Why on earth did she feel ashamed? It was me … my fault.

  Ash moved past me and placed the half filled water glasses on my bedside cabinet before sitting on the bed. I turned to look at her and I felt my heart clench. That once so vibrant face was devoid of all colour, her eyes looked dull and lifeless. They were staring ahead like they were being transported through time to that fateful night twenty years ago.

  I didn’t move straight away, I just let her collect her thoughts. One part of me didn’t want to know what she was going to divulge, but the other half … well the other half thought it would die if she didn’t tell me.

  She lifted her glass from the side and downed the whole lot, although there was hardly any to drink. I felt the thirst come raging back, but before I could do anything she had my glass held up in front of me inviting me to take it. I think the invitation was for more than that though.

  Walking forwards seemed as if it was performed through treacle. Lifting my feet seemed an impenetrable task, but I slipped my hand around the cool glass, brushing my fingers against hers in the process. A jolt soared through me and I tried to contain the visible shudder with the deft movement of glass to mouth, followed by rapid swallowing.

  After placing the empty vessel back on the side, I tentatively joined her on the bed. We both sat there in silence before I decided enough was enough. ‘What did you mean? About being ashamed?’

  I turned and looked at her profile. I could see the swallowing bobbing in her throat, so I lowered my gaze to her clasped hands on her lap. The fingers were tangling and untangling … fighting the urge to break apart and do something.

  ‘I’d … erm … liked you for so long.’ She swallowed again. I knew she was feeling pain. I could feel it. I didn’t say anything. ‘Well before that night. But I never thought you thought of me that way … thought I was a freak to fancy my best friend.’ She rubbed her eyes. ‘I honestly thought it was a phase, something I would grow out of. But it never happened. It seemed as if every day I wanted you more.’

  At this point she stopped to collect herself, and I continued to wait.

  ‘It’s more than that though … much more. I think it started when we were kids.’

  ‘What?’ Now this was freakish.

  ‘I don’t mean wanting you … I mean the connection I’d always had with you. Then when you fell back into my life …’ Fell being the operative word. ‘I thought I had found you again and there was no way I was going to let you go.’ She actually turned and looked at me at this point. ‘It started so innocently … I was just so happy to have you back. And then I began to look forward to seeing you … then miss you when you weren’t there.’

  Her hands tried to clasp again, but I took one into my own and rubbed my thumb along the back of it. This emboldened her, I could see by the way she took a deep breath before continuing. ‘It wasn’t long before I began to crave you … you … everything about you. Your smile .. your smell … your laugh. The way you wrinkle your nose when you are just about to grin.’

  A small smile graced my lips at this, and she smiled back. ‘Like that.’ A little laugh came out of my mouth and for some unknown reason I felt embarrassed.

  She sighed and turned away, her face wistful. ‘It was agony being with you, but even worse when I wasn’t. I was so frightened of you finding out … thought you’d be disgusted and tell me to get lost.’ I gripped her hand more firmly now … just a quick squeeze just to make sure I knew this wasn’t happening in my head.

  Yes. This was real. She was real.

  ‘When I found out you were moving to Norfolk, I thought my world was coming to an end. It seemed like the other side of the world.’ She lifted her head and turned to face me. ‘I thought I was going to lose you without ever telling you how I felt.’

  ‘But why didn’t you tell me. You must have known I had feelings for you.’ I placed my hand on the side of her face, cupping her cheek. ‘I more than adored you … I … loved you, Ash.’

  The smile spread over her face like a rash, and like rashes, it was totally contagious. Then her eyebrows dipped at the centre as a frown took its place. ‘Loved?’

  Shit. Had I gone too far? Said too much?

  ‘You mean you don’t now? Love me, that is.’ I wanted to lie and say no, thinking that maybe it was too soon to admit what was clambering up my throat wanting to open itself up for confession.

  ‘Never stopped.’ There it was. Out in the open, not taking any notice of rational thought or reasoning. Emotion won out. And by the look on Ash’s face I believe my heart had made a better decision than my head ever could.

  Her arms were around me and I was engulfed into her body, her scent tantalising and teasing, her chest heaving … breathing ragged. A muffled ‘Thank you, God’ was repeated into my hair like a catechism. Arms tightened and I could feel her shaking. I knew she was crying, although I had never seen her cry before tonight.

  ‘Hey … hey … what’s up?’ I tried to pull away, wanting to look into her face and reassure her everything was all right, but she just clung to me tighter, and I could feel the moisture seeping into my hair.

  I held her in my arms, stroking long languid strokes up and down her spine, and waited for her to stop crying. Arms loosened eventually and she pulled slightly back to reach for a tissue.

  After wiping her eyes and blowing her nose, she looked at me and gave me one of the most endearing smiles I had ever seen. She was Ash … my Ash … Ash the girl I knew … Ash the woman she was now.

  ‘Better?’

  ‘Much thanks.’

  ‘You still haven’t told me.’ One of her eyebrows lifted in question. ‘Why?’

  ‘Why what?’

  ‘Why you actually kissed me the night of my birthday? And why you ran?’

  ‘I told you why … I felt ashamed.’ I tilted my head and looked at her straight in the eyes. ‘I need a drink.’ I raised both my eyebrows. ‘I do … I spilled most of that.’ She pointed to the bedroom floor.

  ‘Okay … you get settled and I’ll go and get us both some juice. But you’d better spill when I get back.’

  The journey to the kitchen was performed on extremely wobbly legs. I was surprised they had the capability to work at all with all the angst and emotional upheaval they had been through. In less than five minutes, I was pushing the bedroom door closed and padding towards the bed.

  Ash was sprawled back, her head and shoulders were propped up with a pile of pillows, and she shifted to make room for me, her hand reaching up for the glass. Two gulps later, it was history and she slammed the glass on the side. ‘See? I told you I was thirsty.’

  I
climbed onto the bed and snuggled next to her, one arm around her waist and my head on her chest. It felt so right to be there with her, so peaceful. I think she thought she’d gotten away with it. ‘Spill Richards.’ I felt her chest push out as she drew in a deep breath.

  ‘Well … I erm … it … was …’

  ‘Oh for God’s sake, Ash. We’ve slept together. I’ve told you I love you … just tell me!’

  The story she came out with filled me with a myriad of emotions. Mainly melancholy. I so wanted to turn the clock back and change the events leading up to her flight that night. I wished I had just told her … I wished I hadn’t had so much to drink that made her feel she had taken advantage of the situation.

  When she stopped, after she admitted she’d ran because she was scared at the consequences of her actions, I just stared at her.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You still haven’t told me.’

  ‘I have … I bottled out because I thought you were drunk and would regret it the next day,’ she said adamantly.

  ‘That’s not what I meant, Ash. Why didn’t you bother explaining why you ran? … You could’ve said you were drunk too.’ I turned and looked up at her. ‘You left it twenty years to tell me … I thought you felt something for me?’

  ‘I didn’t leave it twenty years.’

  I lifted myself up onto my elbow and looked down at her. ‘It’s been twenty years, Ash. From that night to the night you showed up … nearly twenty years.’ I looked down at her mouth and then back to her eyes. ‘You could have at least said goodbye.’

  ‘I tried … I came to your house and stood outside I don’t know how many times. But I just couldn’t face you … thought if I called you and spoke over the phone it would be easier.’

  ‘So why didn’t you?’

  ‘You were cut off.’

  It was true. My dad had disconnected the phone the day before we were to move to make sure he’d done it. But then it dawned on me.

  ‘You had my new number. Why didn’t you call me in Norfolk?’

  ‘I did.’

  ‘You could have … what? No you didn’t. I think I’d remember, Ash’

  ‘Spoke to Jo.’

  ‘You spoke to … Jo?’ Shit. ‘What did she say? She didn’t tell me you’d called.’ I looked up at her, and she certainly looked uncomfortable by this stage. I could see her chewing her lip, probably thinking how she could get out of this conversation that appeared more like a confrontation by now. One of those little ‘Oh what the hell’ sighs came out and I saw the resolve kick in and her mouth purse.

  ‘After we’d had a little chat, I told her I thought it would be best if you didn’t know that I’d called.’

  I sat up straight on the bed, the warmth of her body completely absent from me. ‘You called and said not to tell me?’ I couldn’t believe it – it must’ve been soon after we’d moved because Jo moved in with Craig not long after.

  Then a thought struck me. ‘What did she say?’ Ash shook her head saying it didn’t matter, but I needed to know. Well … you would too, wouldn’t you? You’d want to know why the sister you thought the absolute world of would betray you like that. She knew how I felt … she knew I loved Ash … she knew that I’d kissed her… shit … she didn’t know. I hadn’t told her.

  ‘What did she say to you, Ash? Please. I need to know.’

  Ash looked uncomfortable. ‘Jo loves you, Lou.’ I just stared, and it seemed that my world had suddenly gone tits up, you know … when you can’t really grasp something … think it must be wrong … think the rest of the world has gone crazy and imagined something that you couldn’t possibly perceive. ‘She was only thinking of you.’

  I pulled back even further, as if to try and grasp the bigger picture, but my brain was fucked. Ash held her hand out … palm upwards as in offering … fingers extended. I just sat there like a laughing Buddha ornament –frozen to the spot. My eyes just said ‘Tell me … tell me … tell me …’ over and over again.

  She sighed, knowing I wouldn’t give in until I knew. ‘Come here, baby … and I’ll tell you.’

  I resisted for a few seconds and then laid down on top of her, my hand sneaking around her waist pulling her into me.

  And then she told me … word by word what had passed between the two women I loved so much. There had been no tears … no tantrums … no shouting. Just an agreement.

  It was for the best.

  For whom I didn’t know. The best for Jo? Ash?

  Because it certainly hadn’t been the best for me.

  And all that crap about making a fresh start and leaving me to get over her and get on with my life.

  As I was listening, a maelstrom of emotions whizzed through me. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry … scream or sob … rage … spit … thump … demand … become complacent … sullen … too many emotions … too many.

  Eventually my screwed up insides came to a decision. Not consciously. It was only the feeling of wetness on Ash’s skin that alerted me that I had been crying … the tears had seeped unbidden. Surprise released the pent up emotion crackling underneath the surface, and the floodgates opened. I felt cheated. Cheated. Fucking cheated. How dare they decide for me.

  How dare they think they know what’s best.

  ‘How dare you! How fucking dare you!’ It was out and there was no going back from this. I was up and off the bed in a flash, the room almost spinning … it was totally unfocused, a little like the conversation… a little like my brain. ‘How could you decide what was the best for me? You didn’t even ask me! Didn’t ‘t even get my side of the story.’

  ‘Lou…’

  ‘Don’t “Lou” me!’ Spit flew out … I was seething. Wait until I got hold of Jo … wait until …

  The next thing I remember was being in her arms again and she was holding me against her, gripping me, shushing into my hair. I was so angry, but her presence was soothing the ire flooding from me … soothing it away … soothing it all … away.

  ‘Please Lou … don’t be mad.’ I attempted a half-hearted wriggle. ‘Don’t blame Jo … she was just looking out for you … like she always has.’ I thought of Jo … thought of how she had always had something against Ash … Do you remember me saying about distrusting her? Distrusting her after the lemonade incident? Well this certainly wasn’t lemonade, and it was more certainly something that couldn’t be mopped away.

  Soft kisses were in my hair and I was allowing the anger to seep away … flow away … drift away. I was still hurt by what they had done, but I needed to speak to Jo about it. Needed to hear her tell me why she had done what she had. Funny thing was, I could understand why Ash had stepped away from it all. She was still reeling from the acknowledgement that she had a crush on her best friend, and felt like a circus freak. So, obviously, she would back down from the situation believing that I would be better off without her.

  But Jo knew the truth. She knew I had feelings for Ash. She knew I was in love with Ash, yet she told her to leave me alone. And the only person I wanted to tell me the reason for that was Jo herself … and I would do that as soon as I could call and make arrangements to see her.

  That was the kind of thing that had to be done face to face.

  And that could wait until the morning, because I had better things to do … like concentrate on my future instead of my past.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  IT WAS ABOUT ten o’clock in the morning when Ash’s mobile shrilly brought us both back into the land of the living. She slung herself half off the bed and rummaged around on the floor to retrieve her trousers, in which was hidden the singing beast.

  She randomly pressed the keys to accept the call, and when she turned to face me she looked totally exhausted. We had spent a while earlier trying to come to terms to what had happened and eventually agreed it was something that, with time, could find a place where it belonged. In the past.

  I watched Ash talking into the phone, her eyes hidden behind heavy lids and knew
she was harassed. Work had called her for some reason or another, and I could see the tension mark itself along her mouth. I raised a finger and ran it along the underside of her bottom lip remembering where those lips had been last night.

  The smile changed the path of my finger and I looked into the bluest eyes I had ever seen.

  And they were twinkling … for me … at me.

  I mouthed ‘I want you’ and she grinned and held up a finger as if to say ‘one minute’. But I couldn’t wait for that.

  Fingers moved across her chest and along her collarbone. Ash intermittently bit her lip and tried to keep her voice steady as my fingers crept lower and circled her breast. She shook her head, but it was only half-heartedly.

  So the fingers ventured lower, and I lifted myself up and over her. Circles on her belly … brushing fingertips that were valiantly going lower and lower and …

  ‘Haaah!’ The air escaped her mouth as my fingertips reached her nub … and it felt wonderful. Eyes pinned on mine and conversation became more staccato, the person on the other end of the phone becoming more confused as the answers were becoming unfocused.

  I decided that my mouth should join in, and began to skip along her belly whilst my hand was between her legs. Her voice was becoming curter with the caller, telling whoever it was that she would be there as soon as possible.

  Guilt sneaked in as I thought it unfair to lick her belly and stroke her whilst she was trying to take in information, so I pulled back, only to have her hand rest on my head, and guide me back down.

  Peeking up to her, I saw the glint flash from her eyes and I knew she was horny. Fingers tangled in my hair and I could feel the pressure increase on my scalp. My lips brushed against her pubic bone and I nuzzled in deeper, glorifying in her scent. Two fingers separated and guarded her clit, opening her wider … opening her up to my watering mouth.

  One flick with my tongue and she gasped, the slamming shut of her mobile seeming to echo around the room. Both of her hands gripped my hair and pushed me down and into her, her hips rising off the bed to allow me full access.