Beginnings

by L. T. Smith

  ‘Everything.’

  And then I was gone. Door slamming behind me, car starting and crunching into gear and one thought in my mind.

  ‘Heaton Chapel, here I come.’

  I didn’t give myself time to think, just tear arsed it down the A6 towards Ash’s house. It never occurred to me that she might not be there, and strangely enough, I seemed to have forgotten the fact she hadn’t called me.

  When I left Ash’s mum’s, it had been drizzling with rain, and by the time I reached Heaton Chapel it was pouring down. The rain bounced off the bonnet and windscreen in kamikaze pellets. Obviously there was nowhere to park near her house and I had to squeeze into a tiny gap two roads away.

  I didn’t care.

  I didn’t care that the rain aimed itself straight at me and soaked me to the bone.

  I didn’t care that my hair was plastered all over my face, and water was trickling into my mouth.

  And the only reason I was running was so I could see Ash again … because I didn’t care about anything else.

  It wasn’t until I was stood … poised … hand over doorbell that the realisation of what I was doing hit me. Why hadn’t she called?

  Then I grinned … I could always ask her.

  I had to ring the bell three times before I heard the chain on the door clatter and clink, the lock shudder as it was released from its haven. I sucked in a breath and waited to meet those blue eyes once again.

  But they were brown. Dark brown. And pretty. And set in an even prettier face; a face surrounded by dark brown hair and attached to a slender neck and slim body.

  And those brown eyes were looking at me in wonder, trying to figure out why a complete stranger was standing on their doorstep pissed wet through … and with her mouth open. A stranger who also had her hand half poised to ring the bell again … finger erect and frozen.

  ‘Can I help you?’ Such a musical voice … lilting and captivating.

  A muffled ‘Who is it?’ came from inside. The voice, although distant, was definitely Ash’s.

  ‘And you are?’ The same lilting voice, but this time more quizzical and showing signs of confusion.

  ‘Whoever it is … get rid of them. There’s a bed in here with your name on it.’ The brown-eyed woman looked over her shoulder, and when she turned back she was grinning.

  ‘No one … I’m no one.’ That was pretty easy to write, but the actual labour of saying those few words was agony. I felt like a no one … I felt like a fool. Once again I had been lured by self-promise and hope. I hadn’t even questioned what Ash’s mother had said. Just thought … ah … well you know what thought did.

  I could hear footsteps coming from up stairs and saw the base of Ash’s legs appear at the top. It was my cue to leave … to go … to just fucking go and not come back.

  So I did.

  I turned and I heard her voice, disbelief riding along the sound waves … ‘Lou?’

  And I ran. Rain pelting me. Cold penetrating rain that tried to take my breath away.

  ‘Lou … come here!’ Her voice seemed echoey, distant. I increased my speed, the chill from the rain making me shiver. The coat I had on thin and flimsy against the downpour. But I didn’t care.

  Her hand grabbed my arm and pulled me to a stop, swinging me around to face her. She was soaked, wearing a cream t-shirt and holding a jacket in her hand. We were both shaking with cold, but mine was laced with anger too. ‘Lou?’ A smile was on her face … an uncertain smile. ‘Where are you going? Didn’t you hear me calling you?’

  ‘Get your fucking hands offme.’ It was a stuttered growl rather than a command, and I qualified this by trying to tear her fingers from my arm. ‘Why …don’t… you …go …back to your bird?’

  ‘What bird? I don’t understand. Lou?’

  She grabbed my other arm and held me fast, and I couldn’t even thump her. All I could do was try and wound her with words. ‘Her! There! Standing in your doorway! Why didn’t you just tell me you were with someone? Why just lead me on?’

  The image of her standing there will forever be etched into my mind, joining all the other images I had. Rain pummelled down on her, but she just stood there, staring right back at me. Her hair was a tangled mess of wetness, clinging to the side of her face, her fringe dripping water into her eyes. The pale cream t-shirt was like a second skin, transparent and heavy; the jacket on the ground by our feet. Rivulets of water raced down her face and collected at the top of her lip.

  ‘Wendy?’

  So. That was her name. Wendy. The woman who had what I wanted. The woman I could never compete with. Ash’s woman.

  Her hands became limp on my arms and her grip all but melted away. ‘Wendy?’

  ‘Yes Wendy, for Christ’s sake … let me go.’

  ‘But Wendy …’ she released me, but I didn’t go … I was caught up by the look on her face. Confusion studied there, and something else …

  I swallowed deeply. Licked my lips and began. ‘ You could have just told me, Ash.’ My voice seemed controlled. Tick. ‘I would have understood.’ A big fat lie. ‘You could have called me and told me … and about the case too.’ True … she could have. But I was beginning to have doubts whether the calmness in my voice was going to carry on or this was the calm before the storm. ‘Look. I’d better go.’

  Her face was still in some kind of shock and there were traces of metamorphosis underlying the wrinkled lip and raised eyebrow.

  It wasn’t until I turned to go that she stopped me again. ‘But Wendy is not my girlfriend . She’s …’

  ‘Your shag?’ The bitterness was back again. Laced with anger.

  ‘Don’t be stupid.’

  And like the adult I was, I gave the perfect answer. ‘Whatever.’ I felt like sobbing. The rain was making matters worse, as it was steadily increasing in pace and rhythm, making words come out spluttered and deformed. ‘ “There’s a bed here with your name on it” … ring any bells?’

  ‘But she’s just …’

  ‘No need to explain anything to me, Ash. I think I understand perfectly well what is going on.’ And the realisation hit me again, and the tears were over and the choking sobs were out and damned mad. But I couldn’t be mad. Spent too much time being mad. Spent too much time hankering after something unobtainable and now it was time to let go.

  ‘Come here.’ Her voice was quiet, barely a whisper. Her hands were trying to cup my face, trying to get me to look at her. But I shook her off, desolation taking control. ‘Lou. Listen.’ She pulled my hands from around my ears as I was trying to stop the sound of her excuses filtering in and down to the aching in my chest. ‘I love you … shush … listen.’ The rain was becoming even angrier now. ‘Wendy is not my girlfriend … or ever likely to be.’

  My face was soaked and not just with rain.

  ‘She’s Stephen’s wife.’

  ‘You’re shagging your brother’s wife’

  The laugh came loud, but stopped as suddenly as it started when she saw my face. She was pissed wet through, hair clinging to her neck and cheeks … her clothes were like she had just stepped out from underneath a waterfall.

  ‘You are joking, right?’ Both eyebrows drew together as she said this.

  ‘But you said you wanted her in bed.’ Was that a whine?

  Her head shook from side to side, the grin appearing until it developed into another bout of laughter. She stopped … tried to answer … then came out louder.

  ‘No! I’m packing. Bed and all.’ My face said ‘huh’, so she continued. ‘Wendy is helping me pack, and you knocked as we were half way through dismantling the bed.’

  ‘Packing?’ Did I squeak?

  ‘Packing.’

  She stepped closer to me, diminishing the space I had erected between us. ‘Upping sticks and moving.’ Closer still. ‘To be with my woman … my love … my everything.’

  Her hands were on my face by this point, and I didn’t struggle. They felt at home there; they belonged there.

 
‘To be with my reason.’ Her thumb trailed itself across my lips. ‘And that’s you,’ followed by a gentle kiss on the place her thumb had just vacated. ‘You.’ Another kiss … featherlike. ‘Always you.’ And then the kiss was deep … sucking me in … blinding me to everything and everyone apart from her. The rain melted away.

  When she pulled away and looked into my eyes I was lost all over again. So much love. So much …

  ‘Want to help me pack?’

  I nodded, the ability to speak completely deserting me.

  ‘Here.’ A jacket was shoved in my direction. My eyes looked into blue, which were clouded with concern. ‘Put it on … you’ll catch your death …’

  ‘But …’

  ‘But nothing. Put it on … no arguments.’ The scene from over thirty years ago replayed itself in my mind. Ash … younger … but still the same. Me … still an idiot when it came to the weather. I watched her as I pulled the jacket on loving the sight of her as I pulled the thick red material into place.

  The jacket was barely on my skin before she grabbed my hand and began to pull me along, then it shifted to around my waist and she held me to her as we battled through the rain.

  The front door loomed ahead of us, and I could feel her slowing down. It wasn’t until we reached the gate that she stopped, turned to me and pulled me towards her again. Impulsively, I threw my arms around her neck and planted a full kiss on her mouth.

  The kiss was an affirmation. A promise of things to come. Lips, tongue and teeth … melting and mixing with a love that had grown from a seed of friendship.

  We held each other … held each other … held … each other, and without words told each other that this was forever.

  AND FINALLY …

  WITHIN TWO DAYS, ASH and I were back in Norfolk. We discussed the possibility of moving in together but decided we would take one step at a time. Many years had passed between us, and we had to get to know each other once again.

  Ash had explained to me the reason why she hadn’t told me she was moving … but it wasn’t until I got home that I realised she had called, and I was a just a moron who hadn’t checked the answer phone before I had left to go to Manchester.

  Some things never change, eh?

  Her family had thrown a farewell dinner at her old home and people I hadn’t seen for years turned up to say goodbye and good luck. Her parents treated me like I was one of the family, and Ash’s mum kept winking and nodding at me all evening. I felt fully accepted.

  Ash’s father’s toast was ‘To the future … to new beginnings.’

  And it was … for the both of us, in some weird way.

  I chatted with everyone, even Wendy, although I felt like a dick head. I mean … I had made a total twat out of myself in front of my girlfriend’s sister in law.

  My girlfriend.

  Mine.

  Sigh.

  Anyway, where was I? Yeah …

  I chatted with all of them, remembering things from when we were kids … remembering Tracy the psycho bird who had been jealous of something that was none existent. By all accounts she worked on Customer Complaints at the local supermarket … had three kids and a husband who spent most of his time trying to get away from her.

  Talk about sweet justice …

  And that brings me to Spencer …

  Spencer had been charged with pre-meditated murder and had been sentenced to fifteen years in Strangeways Prison, with recommendation for psychiatric help. But, with the British legal system being what it is, he would be unlucky if he served more than ten.

  That’s why she had wanted to keep the kidnapping case separate. The evidence and crime had been committed in Norfolk, and Ash had decided to move the case there, transferring from the Met to Norfolk police for the unforeseeable future.

  The case was to start in six weeks after she moved, giving her time to collect information and evidence. The only problem was we could not be outwardly seen as having a relationship because that would jeopardise the case, and the jury would think she had coerced me into giving false evidence.

  So … the ray of hope was Jo, of course. She was the real witness in the case, even though it had happened to me; I was useless, as I couldn’t really remember all the facts.

  And Jo never forgot anything … apart from the reason why she pissed all over me when we were kids.

  But … hey … new beginnings, right?

  ERM … AND FINALLY?

  I KNOW … I KNOW. I said the last bit was the end, didn’t I? Well … I couldn’t really end this story with the last shot of my sister pissing all over my back … or could I?

  Nah.

  I should end it with a moral, but that’s cliché. What about a summing up? Nope. I think you get the gist of it all.

  I could give you some advice. How about that? You would probably tell me to bugger off, so that one is out of the window.

  I should really end where I started… you know …structure and all that.

  But why look back? Why live in the past if your future is so bright and beguiling? We learn from our mistakes … true, but sometimes we don’t learn quickly enough. We end up repeating the same ones over and over again like some fucked up groundhog day.

  I mean … some things you learn through age and experience, like don’t bother hiding under the bed when police pass your house, whatever your brother’s girlfriend says. Or that rabbits don’t hurt as much as broken bricks at the back of the head. Even don’t fight with your mum when she has Durbac and a lit cig …

  But love?

  Do we ever learn not to love? Do we ever learn through being in love never to love again?

  I know to some people love is the ultimate four letter word … but do we really ever stop wanting to love and be loved?

  Yes. In some cases.

  But throughout the heartache and the pain there’s another four-letter word waiting in the wings.

  Hope.

  And I think that through this four-letter word, however well hidden, we can once again achieve the ultimate four-letter word. Battered and bruised … a little shy and resentful … sometimes angry and misplaced … but it’s there all the same.

  So … what else to say?

  Me. Well I went through stages of wanting it all, to wanting it all to end … wanting the pain of being in love to stop. Love is an agony of want and desire and rejection – true.

  But what if it’s the real deal … you know … what if she’s the one? What if the person you love loves you back?

  Do you say ‘No thanks. I had some earlier’?

  Or do you take love in both your hands and pull it to you… cup it … support and protect it? Do you nurture it, then watch it grow and grow and grow?

  Simply … yes.

  We should take what we can from life and should give back just as much, because if we don’t … what’s the point?

  Ash and me … well … eventually we got there. Took us most of our lives to realise, but I wouldn’t go back to when I was a teenager. Both of us are way past all that now. Life has afforded us experience and it has made us stronger … made us aware of what we have, and to cherish every moment.

  And we do.

  She has been in Norfolk for eight weeks and I treasure every minute we share. It almost feels as if my life started again when she walked back into my life. In a way it did, but I still have the foundations of my beginnings to build from. That’s what makes me who I am today.

  We are still living apart, as the case is underway, but we see each other as much as we can. And it is bliss.

  I love her, you see?

  Love her.

  And she loves me right back. I know because we take the time not to just tell each other, but show it too. Little gestures and comments … looks … guiding hands and soft kisses.

  But I think you’ve heard enough about me and my life for one sitting, however comfortable you might have been to start off with … so …

  I will love you and leave you, for now …
/>   Mainly because I have a gorgeous woman reading over my shoulder and she wants all of my attention.

  You don’t blame me, do you?

  THE END

  Thank you for getting this far. If you liked it, why don’t you drop me a line. If you didn’t… have a good day J

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  fingersmith@hotmail.co.uk