Always

by Amie Forgeron

  pretty, but sad. i like your sweater.

  can i borrow it sometime?

  Me

  thanks, yes you can borrow! would be cute on you!

  Me

  i am sad. I planned this whole thing for me and j for tonight and he just wasn't into it. I knew that might happen, but i guess i was hoping i could make him happy for a few hours.I know i’m being stupid and selfish. i feel like nothing i do helps him. I hate to see him so sad. I’m failing him.

  Samuel leaned over and gave me a hug. I started to cry.

  Samuel

  don’t cry!!! You’re not failing!! You have been there

  for him constantly. He sees that, he just can’t tell you

  right now. You are a great friend!!! To everyone! ❤

  I teared up again and he rubbed my back. Dash noticed and came over to sit next to us. He and Samuel both hugged me for a few moments. “You ok, Tati?”

  “I’m fine, Dash. Go back to your game. We can talk later.” He kissed my cheek and returned to the poker game. I signed “thank you” and “you are a great friend” to Samuel then went back to texting.

  Me

  it’s fine. It’s just been an emotional couple weeks

  and i really missed all of you. It’s really great to see you!!!!

  Me

  what have you been up to? tell me everything!

  Samuel told me about his Hanukkah and we compared notes on a movie we had both seen. After grieving for the last two and a half weeks, it was nice to be out and talking about everyday normal stuff with Samuel.

  Ava stood on a folding chair, held up her pink plastic cup, and shimmied to get everyone’s attention. Her eyes were locked on Darius. “Heeeeyyy everyone we have thirty minutes ‘til midnight kisses and I am French kissing everyone tonight! We’re gonna do sparklers outside at the countdown, so finish up your games and have another drink! Whooooo! ...Whoa. Oops!”

  She lost her balance and her romper strap slipped again and her friends at the party cheered; she was slow to fix it, waiting until she awkwardly climbed down from the chair. She drunkenly stumbled over and sat in Dashiell’s lap. His jaw clenched and he deeply blushed down his neck as he said something into her ear. She pouted, flipped him off, then stomped back to her friends. Finn caught my eye and we exchanged incredulous looks. Dashiell’s face flushed more deeply in embarrassment and anger.

  Samuel

  What did she say?

  Samuel

  She flashed everyone like 500 times tonight!!!

  It’s not even sexy!! She’s tragic AF at this point!!

  What does Dash see in her?!!?

  Me

  idk, but D loves her

  Me

  she said sparklers upstairs at midnight. 30 min.

  and she wants to french kiss everyone. pucker up, friend.

  Me

  didn’t realize it was so late!! have to go.

  Happy new year!!!!! Xoxo

  Samuel

  I think I’ll try to get Finn to go home now, too.

  Or maybe anywhere that isn’t here.

  Happy new year, T! ❤

  I stood up and gave Samuel another hug followed with goodbye hugs and kisses to Dashiell and Finn and headed home. When I got there, James was nestled into the corner of the couch in the dimly lit living room and I startled him awake when I softly called his name. His tie and several empty cupcake wrappers were on the living room table, as well as a pile of popped balloons and confetti. He turned off the TV and held his hand out to me.

  James spoke quietly, and I could tell by his deep raspy voice that he had been asleep for a while. “Tati, I’m glad you’re home safe.” I sat next to him and he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I curled up my legs underneath me and snuggled into his side as he adjusted the blanket to cover both of us. We spoke quietly. “How was it?”

  “Not great… It sucked actually. Mostly people I didn’t know and didn’t want to know. Samuel was there without Kelsey, so I just texted with him. Poor guy had no one to talk to. Ava was drunk and high – completely trashed - and wearing the sluttiest outfit. It was so much worse than the dance and-”

  James looked surprised. “How is that even possible? She ‘accidentally’ flashed me four times at the dance! How do you get sluttier than that? Her being fully naked on a stripper pole would be classier!”

  I rolled my eyes, shook my head, and sighed. “She said these horrible things to me – I’ll tell you tomorrow – but basically she cheated on Dash. I wish he could find someone better. I don’t get what he sees in her, but he loves her, so

  there must be something there that we don’t see … I really missed you, James. I’m sorry I left you alone.”

  “Tati, no. You do not owe me any apologies. I am so sorry I was such a jerk tonight. You went to so much trouble.”

  “You’re not a jerk, J. I know it’s hard for you right now and I knew there was a chance it wouldn’t work. I just wanted to try to make you smile for a little while. It was selfish of me to push it on you without talking it through first.”

  “You are the most selfless person I know. It’s not you at all, Tati, don’t even think that way. I appreciate how much you do for me to make my grief feel less overwhelming. I couldn’t have gotten through the past few weeks without you ... I promise I’ll make it up to you once I’m less in my head.”

  We were quiet for a few minutes and we both closed our eyes and enjoyed the quiet moment together. “Hey, T?” I opened my eyes to look up at him.

  “Hmmm?”

  “Your cupcakes were really good. I ate four.”

  I made jazz hands and wiggled my fingers in the air and whispered, “Funfetti.”

  He chuckled. “Dinner was tasty, too.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. And you look really pretty in your new clothes. It makes me happy when you wear the necklace I gave you.” I reached up to play with the heart shaped charm and smiled. We heard fireworks and shouting in the distance. I looked at the clock. It was midnight. I turned my head to face him and he leaned down and kissed me softly. “Happy new year, Tati.”

  “Happy new year, J.”

  James reached for the papers that I had written the activities on. “Some of these seemed pretty great! Shoulder and neck massage for me - that’s sweet. You noticed how much my neck’s been hurting?” I nodded. “You take really good care of me. This one’s super cute, the resolutions one? Let’s do that tomorrow, ok?” He smiled and his eyes twinkled. “I know it’s after midnight, but can we please still do this one for 11:00?”

  I pouted and shook my head. “Nope. The 11:00 activity is time sensitive.” He looked crestfallen, but then smiled and laughed.

  “But I consent! I’ll even turn back the clock an hour!”

  I kissed him gently again. “When the time is right, we will. Good night, Bodyguard.”

  “Good night, Cheetah-girl. Happy new year.”

  As I walked into my bedroom, I closed the door and smiled. I had high hopes for the new year.

  15

  School resumed on January 2nd. My parents walked with us to school. They were having a meeting this morning with Dr. Walker, the school counselor, and James to discuss his mom’s death and his temporary living arrangement with us. I could tell James really didn’t want to do it. I was sure my parents didn’t want to either. As we got to school, I hugged my parents and gave James a quick kiss.

  My classes this term were all pretty much the same. The only exceptions were that I was now enrolled in pre-calculus instead of trigonometry and track team instead of regular PE. I went about my day as usual, but had to do a lot of rumor control on James’ behalf.

  At lunch, we were all sitting around the table waiting for James to arrive. Kelsey signed to interpret for Samuel as she asked, “So, Tati, is James ok? Like can we just go about things like everything is normal or should we all talk to him about it or something?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I saw him after second peri
od and he looked pretty rough. I’m not sure ... Maybe just say a quick ‘sorry’ and then be normal? But like normal normal, not all weird and nervous trying to avoid the subject.” We waited for Kelsey to finish signing to Samuel. He nodded and signed something to me.

  “Am I ok?” He gave me a sympathetic smile and I smiled back. I signed, “I’m ok, Samuel. Thanks.” Then, to Kelsey I said, “It’s hard.” She went back to interpreting.

  “Samuel’s asking if he’s still living with you?” She looked at Samuel and then at me. The question had everyone’s attention.

  Finn asked, “Wait! He’s living with you? What about his dad?”

  “His dad died a year ago.” Finn shook his head sympathetically and the table of friends grew quiet.

  I nodded and signed “yes” to Samuel and then I replied, “It’s temporary. His sisters are away at college and his grandparents live really far.”

  Dashiell smiled, “Your parents are the best! They’re like the nicest people I know! But that’s gotta be so weird, right?” James sat down next to me and everyone looked sheepish.

  “Hey! I was wondering if you were coming to lunch today.” I leaned over to kiss his cheek. He looked exhausted and I ran my fingers through his hair. The circles under his eyes were a deep shade of purple and his eyes were dull and bloodshot.

  He looked at Dashiell, “What’s weird?” Everyone looked down at their laps except Samuel who was looking at Kelsey to interpret the very awkward situation.

  To help everyone out, I replied, “The end of some movie Dash was describing.” I winked at Dashiell who looked relieved.

  “Oh ok. A movie … I thought you were talking about how weird it is for me to live with you.” He smiled broadly and winked at me. I was busted! I couldn’t help but laugh. “I mean, I’m lying in bed listening to you shower last night and imagining what I would do to you if you would ever let me get in there with you, but your parents are knocking on my door to

  say ‘goodnight’ - totally wrecked the fantasy for me!” I laughed harder. I caught Samuel blushing a few seconds later after Kelsey signed that last bit of conversation. I wasn’t surprised to see Dashiell blush, too.

  “James! I do not consent to you picturing that or talking about it!” He laughed and wrapped me up in a hug. After that, the conversation flowed easily just like always

  ✽✽✽

  Today was the first official track team practice. We were meeting at the indoor track. Because James and I walked to school today, we caught a ride in the official school team van with a few other students. Everyone else either carpooled or drove their own cars. Once we arrived at the facility, we walked down into the basement where there were large, empty workout rooms, a full gym, and a bank of lockers in the hallway. We all stashed our bags in the lockers and went into one of the empty workout rooms for a meeting. We sat on the floor while Coach Kelly sat in a folding chair.

  “Alright, team, welcome! We’re glad to have you representing the Lincoln High Tigers.” A round of applause and excited “woo-hoos” broke out. He smiled and settled us back down so he could continue. “Every day that we are here, we will spend some time down here stretching, doing some functional training drills, or having a meeting. Then we’ll head back upstairs to do our workout on the track. Practice goes until 4:30 PM.

  “We’ll have a co-ed practice on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. On Thursday, we will run competitive heats for guys and girls separately. That means that everyone is your team member. We all support one another. Friday practices will be at school in the Gym B classroom upstairs from the basketball courts and from there we’ll head to the weight room. Questions so far?”

  Everyone looked around the room, but no one spoke so he continued. “We don’t practice on weekends, but I encourage you to train one of the days on your own - maybe do a distance run or some cross training. The other day is for rest.

  “I expect that you will eat properly. Eat a light snack before practice and bring a bottle or two of water. We’ll have the health and nutrition teacher work with you next week on one of the days to give you ideas of what is best to eat and when. Questions?” More silence.

  “If you become injured, you are required to tell me. Don’t be the hero - got it?” We all nodded. “Ok, that’s it. Let’s get started. Stand up and let’s warm up. Today’s practice will be an easy one just to get us moving as a team.”

  We stayed in the workout room for about ten minutes stretching and doing some easy functional and core activating warm-up movements. After that, we headed upstairs and ran through some teamwork exercises.

  We gathered to listen to the next directions and James leaned over to me and whispered, “Having fun?” I nodded and smiled. “I’m glad you’re on the team, Cheetah-girl.” He side hugged me quickly, then returned his attention to our coach. I hadn’t been this happy in a long time.

  ✽✽✽

  Over the course of the next several weeks, James and I fell into a weekday routine: wake up, eat breakfast, school, track team practice, home, James’ shower / start homework, dinner, my shower / homework, sleep. There was nothing exciting about it.

  On weekends, James’ grandparents started coming over to see him at his house. They also spent some time clearing out some of his parents’ belongings from the house and going through all the files and important paperwork. Katie had decided that when she graduated from college in a few months she would move back into the house, so the family decided to not sell it. They spent a few weekends cleaning it up and fixing a few things that had been neglected. I didn’t see James much on those days.

  One night, my family and James were sitting around the dining room table eating dinner when James blurted, “I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s time for me to move back to my house.” He looked me in the eyes as if he feared telling me. No one spoke, but my parents exchanged nods.

  “I really love it here and you are so great! It’s not that. I just … I feel like it’s time and my grandparents have arranged it so that I will have money put into my bank account for things like bills and groceries and Dr. Kang thinks I’m ready. I guess it can work? And Katie’s moving back in a few months, so it’s not like I’ll be alone that long.”

  My mamma was the first to reply. “James, it has been no trouble having you here, you know that, right? You also know that we will respect any decision you make. If that’s what you want and you think you are ready, then we’ll help you get re-settled.”

  My mom chimed in next, “I think you’re ready. You are making a healthy choice from a clear headspace.”

  I remained silent. I knew it was for the best, he needed to get back to living his own life, but I loved having him here. Lately, he was smiling more and being a little bit flirtatious, but our relationship was completely rated-PG these days. I often wondered if we were going to end up as just friends again. And now, with him moving out, we’d be spending a lot less time together. I was feeling so many mixed emotions.

  James replied to my parents, “Thanks for letting me stay here. I could’ve never gotten through all this without your help … I actually feel like you’re my family now.”

  “We love you, James. You are family to us. Remember that. You are welcome here. Always.” My mamma reached over and squeezed his shoulder.

  My mom added, “Our door is always open to you and you can keep your key. If you feel like you need to come back for any reason, make sure you do.” James nodded and teared up a little bit. He looked over to me and gave a quick, sad smile.

  “Can he still come for dinner every day?” I asked. James inquisitively looked at my parents. From his reaction, I could tell he hadn’t thought of all the time he’d be alone.

  My mom looked at me with raised eyebrows. “Of course, Tati! James, you will join us for dinner whenever you want to, ok?” He seemed relieved and smiled.

  After dinner, I took my shower and quietly cried while I was in there. I was sad James was moving out and a little scared about what that meant for
us.

  When I opened the bathroom door, James was just coming out of his room. “Hey,” he asked, “can we talk for a minute?” I nodded, and he followed me into my bedroom. He shut the door behind him. He reached out and took a hold of my arm, pulling me to turn to face him. He grabbed my robe by the sleeves and pulled me to him. He pressed his body into mine, his emerald eyes shining, and drew me into a deeply passionate kiss. His hands grabbed the back of my robe into his fists, pulling me tighter to him.

  Abruptly, James pulled away from me and stared intensely into my eyes. “Good talk.” He smiled broadly, turned around, and left the room closing the door behind him.

  He did the same thing again on Thursday and Friday night. Maybe things weren’t as PG as I thought.

  ✽✽✽

  That weekend James moved out. On Saturday morning after breakfast, my family helped him carry his belongings back over to his house. His grandparents were staying there

  with him for the weekend to make sure that he got settled. I didn’t see him the rest of the weekend and I already missed him.

  At 10:00 on Sunday as I was going to bed, I received a text alert. I saw it was James and I quickly opened the message.

  James

  I miss listening to you take a shower.

  Me

  I miss you kissing me after my shower.

  James

  Can we pretend it’s new year’s eve again, say