Reconnection

by H. Dacanay

  Wait, how did Aunt Celine meet Leo anyway?

  No, I’m not gonna ask her. I’m not talking to her.

  Ugh.

  “How did you meet Leo?”

  From where she sat, an unsure Aunt Celine looked sideways, as if there was some invisible person nearby that I was talking to and not her. “Are you talking to me?”

  I rolled my eyes as I settled on my seat. “Yes.”

  “I was grocery shopping yesterday and I couldn’t reach the cranberry juice on the top shelf. Leo happened to be there and was so nice to get it for me. I thought he was handsome, you two will look good together, so I invited him for dinner.”

  I couldn’t describe how awed I was at that moment. But one thing I was so sure of, this woman was officially off her rocker.

  She went on with how she showed my picture to Leo and Leo informing her he recognized me, until I interrupted her. “Do you know how wrong that was in so many levels? One, you just met him yesterday. Two, reaching out for cranberry juice doesn’t necessarily make a person nice. And three, you think our neighbor, Tommy, is handsome but do you hook me up with him? No, because you and I know he’s a self-absorbed jerk.”

  “What does that have to do with—”

  “Leo is a jerk.”

  Aunt Celine’s brows wrinkled. “But that’s not what I saw in him.”

  “That’s because you don’t know him the way I did. He bullied me back in high school by pretending he liked me, Aunt Celine.”

  “Maybe he did like you.”

  My conversation with Leo at the park harked back to my memory. But the things he admitted to—they’re just so hard to believe.

  Before I could reply, a knock on the door arose. I stood up to head to it and, really, I shouldn’t be surprised anymore, but I still was when I discovered who the person was standing by the doorway.

  Leo.

  “What are—” The rest of the words died when I realized the bunch of flowers in shades of pink and white he was handing out to me.

  And I stood frozen on my spot, surprised, confused and dazed. Why in the world was he giving me flowers? Do I take them? Or should I just shut the door on him and pretend that he didn’t come over?

  His voice stirred me from my stupor. “I wonder if you’d like to have dinner with me tonight.”

  “But I’m already having dinner,” I said, lazily taking the pretty bouquet from his grip. “Uhm, thank you for this.”

  He nodded with a sad smile. “No worries. I guess I’ll just go back tomorrow.”

  He turned around, heading for his car parked by the curb when I stopped him. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this, but for a second, I kinda felt sorry for him. “Do you want to join us for dinner though? We just started.”

  He wheeled back to face me, mouth arched into a grin. “I would love to.”

  While Aunt Celine and Leo had a bit of a silly reunion at the dining table, I went to get an extra plate and utensils for our unexpected guest. The rest of the dinner had been okay. A bit lively from conversations--none of which were about our topic earlier at the park or about high school. Mostly it was about what happened to each of our lives after college.

  He graduated civil engineering, and then a year later got his license after passing the board exam. He worked for a few different companies but didn’t find growth and enjoyment in them, so he and a couple of other friends from college decided to start their own construction business. He had settled in New York, but he’s being back in town was for a hotel project they’re building for one of their clients.

  After the dinner, Aunt Celine offered to clean up by herself, and I was okay with that so I can walk Leo to the door and then he can leave.

  “That was nice, thank you for inviting me,” he said.

  I wanted to utter something nasty in response. For one, he would have deserved it, and two, it really wasn’t like I invited him because I wanted to. But I held my tongue from it and just replied, “you’re welcome.”

  When we reached the front door, with Leo standing past the doorway and I staying inside, hand gripping the knob, he spun around and looked at me, about to say something. But for whatever reason, nothing came out of his mouth. Yet.

  “Uhm, can I ask you something before I go?”

  I was doubtful of this, but then I decided to hear him out. “What is it?”

  “What would it take for you to believe me?”

  I sighed, shifting my gaze somewhere other than his eyes that darted nothing but of hope. If I were to be honest, I believed him. But not completely. And it would be so easy to turn that to 100%, then again, clearly, I was choosing the part of me that’s telling me he’s lying.

  Because there’s no way he’s serious. There’s just no way.

  Looking back at him, I said, “Leo, it’s too late for you to convince me. I told you I cannot be un-ruined. At least not by you. So throw your silly idea that you can fix me out of your head and let me be.”

  I wasn’t even enraged as the words flew out of my mouth. It had been a long day and I literally had no energy left to deal with this topic.

  Hurt glimmered over his face and he tried to mask it by bowing his head down. Still I saw it, and guilt slammed at me. But I wasn’t going to do anything about it. He had hurt me for months during our senior year, I’d say let him have it this time.

  When Leo gazed back at me, there was a faint smile on his lips. “Can I just ask you for a favor then?”

  I didn’t want to, if truth be told, but out of curiosity I agreed. Halfheartedly. “Okay…”

  “While I’m in town, can I join you on your lunch break from your work?”

  My eyes blinked rapidly, obviously taken aback by his favor. And confused. I did not expect this. “What?”

  “I just want a few minutes of your day—”

  “Like every work day?”

  “Yes, every work day.”

  My nose scrunched at the sudden thought that popped into my head. “Won’t you be also working though during that time?”

  His smile went bigger. “I partly own the firm so I think I’m entitled to take my break whenever I want.”

  I pondered at his favor for a moment. It sounded a tad suspicious. Was he planning something? Why that kind of favor?

  “Why?” I asked, a surely noticeable frown marring my features, and it was Leo’s turn to get confused.

  “What do you mean why?”

  “Why are you asking me this?” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Is this some plan veiled over your real agenda to fix me?”

  “No, no, no. Nothing like that,” he was quick to deny, and I could tell from the urgency in his voice that he was being honest.

  I went back to contemplating, biting my lower lip. Part of me was saying I shouldn’t fall for it, but then a bigger part of me wanted to. While I thought his favor was initially distrustful, but the more I brooded over it, the excitement also began to grow in my chest. And it swelled fast enough to make me admit to myself that I look forward to sharing my lunch breaks with him over the next days, probably weeks. And I guess you could also say that I was curious. If this wasn’t some plan to fix me, then what was he up to?

  Finally, I divulged my answer—“okay”—and his face immediately looked like he won a million dollars.

  “Thank you. So I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  “Yes,” I replied, and then watched him march to his car. When he almost reached his black SUV, I closed the door to my house, a silly smile plastered on my face. Until I ridded it off in a second.

  No, I’m not excited. I’m not.

  Chapter 3

  Over the next few weeks, true to his word—and mine—we shared my lunch break. Sometimes at the park, sometimes at a nearby restaurant. And more than just the time and food, we shared friendly talks. Some subjects were serious, some were good-natured and silly. I hated to admit this to myself, but so far I was enjoying them. I think maybe way too much that I kind of felt glum when it rained to
day. And while the weeping skies have something to do with my mood, it was mostly for assuming our little lunch would be canceled.

  To my surprise however, our receptionist advised me that Leo was at the lobby. And when I went there to make sure, he was there indeed, in his almost drenched glory, a dripping umbrella in one hand and a brown bag I supposed contained our lunch in the other.

  “I brought food,” he said, raising the brown bag a bit. “I figured you wouldn’t want to go out in this kind of weather so…”

  I was immensely touched it was hard to absorb the rest of the things he was saying, moreover, to respond. Just when I was thinking I won’t see him today, here he was.

  So for a minute or two, I just stared at Leo, swamped by how much I was beginning to realize that he actually liked me.

  And that I was starting to like him back.

  “Uhm, let’s go up to my office,” I said as soon as my daze was over. And I couldn’t be any more grateful because he didn’t seem to notice my little excursion to Dream Land; he just smiled and followed me. We were at the elevator when I told him, “What I assumed was that you wouldn’t want to go out in this kind of weather, and so I thought our lunch would be called off.”

  “No way,” he quickly refuted, shaking his head like I just said the most absurd thing. “I always look forward to this.”

  I wasn’t able to stop the blush from creeping in my cheeks. But not having any speck of desire for Leo to see them, I veered my face away from him. Then again, mirrors were everywhere, and so, really, whichever I turned was a useless effort.

  I just hoped the pink on my cheeks would go away very soon.

  He didn’t remark on it so I assumed he didn’t see. Or perhaps he just chose not to make mention of it because he sensed I was embarrassed about it.

  “I brought pasta, I hope you don’t mind,” he suddenly said.

  “No, I don’t. I’m actually craving for it today. Weirdly, the craving comes during weather like this.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  When we reached my office, we immediately dived into the food. I don’t know how he knew me well so quick, but he brought spaghetti Bolognese, which is my favorite kind of pasta.

  And at that point, I realized that I liked him even more.

  And maybe that’s a little shallow, but it’s not just about him knowing what my favorite pasta is. It’s the other little things too, amalgamating together, helping to shape this feeling.

  This feeling that you don’t normally feel for just a friend. Liking someone in a special kind of way. Like when you start to visualize about how you want to spend more time with him, doing stuff with him, and going places with him. Or just simply looking at him. Because the mere way he blinks or budges his head or combs his hair with his fingers give you happiness. And when he speaks to you, relief and comfort shrouds you from the top of your head down to the very tip of your toes because his voice is akin to the sound you listen to when you try to sleep.

  “Hello?”

  I straightened up my back, shaken off of my trance. “What did you say?”

  He smiled for whatever reason. “I said I won’t be here for a few days next week.”

  Dismay was quick enough to engulf me. Just as my recent realization was strangely sending me to some level of bliss, here he came up with something to easily shatter it. But I held on to the little I-shouldn’t-be-affected-by-that-news feeling left in me.

  “Sure,” I managed to say.

  “I’m meeting with a client,” he disclosed more. “But I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

  And that reassurance gave me quite the relief, and I couldn’t stop the smile that found its ways on to my lips.

  Geez, what the heck is happening to me? Not only had I decided not to fall for anyone again, this was Leo for goodness’ sake. He’s the root and cause of why my relationships failed, why I settled for guys who I knew deep down in me didn’t deserve me.

  He’s the jerk who made me feel small.

  Except he’s not acting so much of a jerk anymore. And what I was feeling at the moment—what he’s making me feel at the moment—it’s anything but making me feel unworthy or small.

  “Well, be safe, and I hope your meeting goes well,” I said a bit monotonously, trying not to let the fact that I didn’t want him to leave show in my voice.

  Because I didn’t want him to leave.

  I didn’t want to miss him that much.

  ***

  Looking at the bright side of Leo gone for a few days, it helped me to gauge how I really felt about him. And while I was already sure that I was falling in love with him, I spent those days un-falling for him (or whatever the term is). To tell my heart and mind to stop thinking about him, using the same old reasons that made me used to hate him.

  And I was confident that I wasn’t in love with him anymore, positive that seeing him again when he comes back won’t have that much of an effect on me. But boy, was I so mistaken. Apparently, three days weren’t really enough to make someone less fascinating to you. If anything, the distance just made Leo more…enthralling. And that there was nothing more I wanted to do than to run to him (poise be damned), wrap him so tight in my arms, and kiss him, when I saw him at the park while I was having my lunch alone.

  But I kept myself glued onto my seat.

  It was hard though. And what made it even harder was seeing him with a duffel bag, his hair a bit tousled, and eyes half-lidded with sleepiness. Which meant that he went straight here from his trip.

  To see me.

  Couldn’t contain any longer how severely touched I was, I finally stood up from the bench, walked halfway to meet with him, and then threw my arms around him the moment we got close.

  Leo must have not expected the gesture because it took a few seconds before his own arms draped around my waist, his hands meeting at the small of my back.

  It was too late to catch myself from whispering, “I missed you,” but I didn’t regret it either.

  “I missed you too,” he said. And I felt against my temple the muscles along his jaw flexing, denoting a smile.

  His arms squeezed my body a little harder, before he released me. Our eyes met for a short magical moment, but seconds later, it became awkward, realizing all too soon what just happened. Apparently both of us getting carried away, taken over by impulse and emotions we didn’t have time to think before acting out. And while I still didn’t regret what I did and what I said, I couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed all the same.

  “I didn’t know you’re arriving today,” I said in my attempt to change the atmosphere. “So I just bought food for myself.”

  “That’s okay. I didn’t think I’d come back sooner than I thought either.” He led me back to the bench where I sat before seeing him. “And I’m still stuffed from the heavy breakfast I had back at New York.”

  “So how was your meeting?”

  He rubbed his eyes, yawning. “It was okay. Just the typical updating each other of our own projects. At the same time, we met with a few potential clients.”

  “So business is doing great, huh?” I beamed proudly at him.

  He beamed back. “Yeah, business is doing great.”

  The remaining minutes I have left for my lunch break was rendered to a few more other topic of conversations. Thankfully, there was nothing about him asking what I’d been up to while he was gone. I wasn’t sure anyway I was keen on divulging that all I did was convince myself that I have no feelings for him. Obviously, that was a waste of time and energy as proven by what took place earlier.

  When it was time for me to go back to my office, it was hard to say goodbye to him. I wanted to talk to him more, look at him more, and just basically be with him more.

  But I supposed it was for the best that I go.

  I knew I like Leo and it makes me happy spending time with him—both I never would have expected to happen especially with him involved—but something about all of this didn’t fe
el right either. And until I can figure out what that is, these budding feelings for him will stay hidden.

  Chapter 4

  Weekends gave me a break from Leo, which honestly didn’t excite me. But I had to pretend like it didn’t matter because wasn’t that what I was trying to project anyway? Like I don’t care about him? I never even wanted to agree to his favor in the first place if I remembered it right. I was merely curious. But then, look at me now. I get upset when weekends come. My mood is literally awful I had to lock myself in my room so Aunt Celine wouldn’t have to deal with me.

  I guess it’s true that curiosity killed the cat. Because I felt like dying at the moment. It was 11 o’clock and if it wasn’t a Saturday I’d be meeting up with him at someplace, depending on where we agreed to have lunch.

  It’s funny how some weeks ago I was trying to shun Leo away. Now, I couldn’t get enough of him.

  And yet I didn’t have the audacity to tell him how I feel.

  Which I presumed was from a combination of a few different things. Leo being my bully, being in failed relationships—both which really hurt me in ways I couldn’t seem to shake myself out of. Both which made me utterly terrified. To trust again. To love again.

  And Does Leo even deserve those from me?

  Trust? Love?

  As much as I’d like the answer to be yes, at the back of my mind, it was the opposite.

  It was a strong, firm ‘no’.

  No.

  Realization hit me so hard it felt like my body quaked. I finally figured it out. What didn’t feel right even if I liked Leo.

  Because he was my bully. And he would be just like any guy that I had fallen for in the past. A jerk. A dumbass. Someone who didn’t deserve me.

  And I deserve more.

  Chapter 5

  When Monday came, I had to admit that it was hard to ignore Leo’s texts, much more when I have to come up with some excuse to not to make it to our lunch. But then I just have to toughen up.

  What I was feeling for Leo, it was the same I felt for him 10 years ago. When I felt giddy for the attention he had showered me with. I just had to remind myself that the attention he’s giving me this time wasn’t anything serious. It wasn’t long-term. And certainly what I wasn’t looking for.