My Paranormal Valentine: A Paranormal Romance Box Set

by Michelle M. Pillow

  Yes, I was insane. Yes, some would describe me as an unbalanced trouble magnet. Yes, I could heal and yes, I was well dressed… but shit. I didn't want to do this.

  "Theeeere are more in the baaasement," Fabio said as he delicately picked at the piece of pizza I'd declined.

  "More what?"

  "Moooooore injured Shifters, but you are too weak to fix theeeeeem."

  "Son of a bitch. How wounded are they?" I demanded as I rushed to the door. "And how many?"

  Simon grinned and elbowed an also grinning Wanda.

  "Cut that shit out," I snapped. "I don't want dead animals in the basement. It'll stink. I am not the Wanker, but I will see if I can help the bastards in the dungeon. Capisce?"

  "Whatever you say," Simon said. "Follow me."

  There were four and they were in bad shape. Chuck the bear was among them. He was knocked out and bleeding badly. Clearly he was a fucking idiot. Shit. My stomach lurched at the thought I might be passed out for another two weeks, but the Shifters would most certainly die if I didn't help them.

  "You assbuckets need to stop trying to kill each other," I admonished the new group. "I have about had it."

  "Will she help us?" a mountain lion asked Simon. "Is she capable?"

  "She looks kind of off," a bloody wolf added.

  "Actually, I'd say she's crazy," a mangled rabbit chimed in.

  Of course Chuck was silent as he was out like a light.

  "I can hear you," I shouted, scaring the crap out of everyone, including Fabio, who jumped so high I laughed. "If you're going to talk about me I'd suggest you speak Russian or French. I don't speak those languages and your insults will fly right over my head. If I don't realize you're mocking me I might not spay or neuter you in the process of your healing. However, since you're stupid enough to have been discourteous, all bets are off as far as your reproductive organs go."

  "Is she serious?" the wolf asked, aghast.

  "I think she's hot," the mountain lion grunted.

  "Yes, hot, but definitely serious," the rabbit tittered in a horrified voice.

  "Thank you, O Great Lion. You shall keep your scrotum. The rest of you—it's a maybe at best. Now get your bloody carcasses over here and let me have at you."

  The menagerie slowly lined up and dragged the incapacitated Chuck with them. They waited in a terrified line for me to do my voodoo. I kind of liked the power I had over them until I had to actually heal them.

  Thankfully Fabio was correct. It was easier this time, but it still hurt like a bitch. After repairing the lion's throat, the wolf's heart, the rabbit’s entire body and Chuck's gaping head wound, I was nauseous and dizzy. But I was also awake and in full possession of my body.

  "All right, get out of here unless you need to sleep or something," I told them. I didn't want the new guys’ names. I was getting too attached to the Shifters from the first round of healing. I was going to make a clean break here soon and having feelings for people who turned into animals was not going to help.

  "Youuuuu did goood, Zeeelda," Fabio said as he pushed me with his little paw toward a pile of bags in the corner of the basement.

  "What are those?" I asked as I eyed the large shopping bags labeled Prada and Gucci and Barney’s.

  "We came bearing gifts for the Shifter Whisperer," the lion, now a very handsome man, said.

  Thankfully he'd donned some pants and a shirt or I might have started drooling. Between him and the now conscious Chuck the bear the basement was beginning to look like a hot dude strip club.

  "We heard you enjoy designer duds," the lion explained.

  "That's very kind of you," I said. It was difficult, but I held myself back from diving on the bags and tearing them open. "Is this how you, um… paid my Aunt Hildy?"

  I could possibly live with this.

  Chuck, now in full possession of his voice, shifted back and forth uncomfortably. "Um, no. I usually just bent her over the chair and…"

  "Enough!" Simon cut him off before he illuminated the room with details about my dead aunt's sex life.

  Nice. I was definitely no longer attracted to the bear who had clearly popped my aunt.

  "Sheeeeee was a sluuuuut like your motheeer," Fabio announced.

  "I do believe I already told you that I'm the only one who is allowed to bust on my mother's morals." I heaved out a sigh and paced the room. What I really needed was to get the hell out of the house and breathe some fresh air. "I'm going for a walk."

  "We'll come with you," Wanda offered quickly.

  "Actually, Wanda, I want to be alone."

  "Is that safe?" she whispered to Simon.

  "What are you talking about?" I demanded.

  "It's fine," Simon assured me and the other Shifters nodded. "Your land is being patrolled by Mac and several other wolves."

  All of the Shifters bowed their heads in deference to this Mac dude.

  Well, all right then. I was getting the hell out for a bit. Mac and his posse clearly had it under control.

  Chapter Eight

  I was definitely not getting attached to the place, but I had to admit Assbuckle, West Virginia was beautiful. The leaves were jewel-toned and fall blooms exploded all over the hill as I meandered away from the house. I knew they were all watching me from the windows so I walked farther away than I had planned.

  Which of course turned out to be a fantastically stupid idea.

  I heard it before I saw it—teeth gnashing, growls and screams. Instead of running away like any normal person would, I ran toward it. I was in no mood to heal any more hairy, bloody bastards. It was time for these idiots to get along.

  Holy Hell. It was ugly with a capital U. There had to be at least twenty honey badgers on the one wolf. The wolf was being attacked on every side. He was tearing them apart, but there were entirely too many and they were getting a piece of him with each strike. I watched for a brief moment, then my body jerked into action before my brain could process what a bad plan that might be.

  Green and blood red magical fire whooshed up my arms and a fury consumed me. I was certain I looked like a Christmas tree inferno, but this was no time to be vain. Were these the fuckers that had tried to kill little Bo? And now they were after my bodyguard? Hell no. Not on my clock.

  I pointed and aimed. Blazing magic flew from my hands to the bad guys. Two honey badgers popped like watermelons when you dropped them off of a five-story building. How did I know this? Easy. I'd been tossing watermelons and other large fruit off buildings since I was a child. Innocent fun had been difficult to come by as a young witch...

  The wolf glanced over in shock for a moment and then went back to his fight with a viciousness that left me a bit breathless. I sure as hell hoped he was the good guy because I was popping badgers like I popped bubble wrap. Between the two of us I was fairly sure we were winning.

  It was all going swimmingly until my aim went awry and I zapped the wolf in the ass.

  "Shit," I screamed as I watched him drop to the ground with a thud. At least he didn't pop.

  The honey badgers that remained dove on him while several ran at full speed toward me. As soon as I was done here I was leaving this town. For real.

  I lifted my arms and chanted to the Goddess.

  * * *

  "Evil is as evil does.

  Help me save the day.

  Take from this Earth the ones who sin.

  Make them go away."

  * * *

  In a massive blast of magic each and every honey badger was blown to smithereens and I couldn't have been happier. Violence had never been my forte or desire, but when it came down to me or them I definitely voted for me.

  Now for the wolf...

  He was huge and smelled like sunshine and wind. WTF? Animals were supposed to stink. Thankfully he was still alive. Even though he was a bloody mess I wanted to bury my face in his fur. However, I needed to get the huge thing out of here. Who knew what else was lurking?

  Only one problem… he weighed
a ton.

  I considered going back for help, but there was no way I was leaving him out here alone and practically dead. So I dragged him. Magic helped, but I was a bit depleted from my honey badger kill-fest. I was sweating and got his blood on my mini skirt. That was unacceptable. I needed to zap myself into a clean skirt, but that would be using my magic incorrectly according to Bumpy Yumpy. I hated Bumpy Yumpy.

  Thirty minutes later and now sporting blood on my Prada flats and chocolate cami, I was pissed. But I was home.

  "Get your asses out here and help me," I shouted.

  Simon, Wanda, Bo, Fabio, Chuck and the trio I didn't want to know the names of came flying out of the house.

  "Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy Goddesssss, what happened?" Fabio screeched.

  "Honey badgers happened," I hissed.

  "And you're still alive?" the rabbit asked.

  "Apparently. And I sure as hell hope there are some flats in that Prada bag you brought because I ruined these. Help me get this damn wolf to the basement."

  Fabio came right to my side, but the others were frozen in shock. As Fab would be of little help dragging the wolf, I slapped my hands on my hips and stared down the crowd.

  "Did you stop speaking English while I was out popping honey badgers?" I demanded.

  "You popped them?" the mountain lion asked, impressed.

  "Like ticks. Now help me."

  "That's Mac," the rabbit gasped. "What happened to him?"

  "I had bad aim and I zapped him by accident," I explained to the flabbergasted group. "What? I didn't mean to."

  "He's gonna be mad." The wolf I'd healed was grinning from ear to ear.

  "And that's funny?" I ground out.

  "Yep," he answered. "Very funny."

  "Whatever. Just help me bring him to the basement."

  "I think it would be better and more appropriate if we took him to a bedroom," Simon volunteered. He had gone pale and was shaking.

  "Absolutely not. He may smell really good, but he's bleeding like a stuck pig and I am not doing laundry. He goes to the basement or he can bite it on the front lawn."

  "You think he smells good?" Chuck asked, surprised.

  All the damn Shifters tried to bite back delighted smiles. What was going on here?

  "Yes. He smells good. So what?"

  "Describe it," the mountain lion insisted gleefully.

  "Oh my Goddess, this is so dumb. He smells like sunshine and wind. You want to know anything else while he bleeds out on the grass?"

  "Nope." The mountain lion, wolf and Chuck the bear were positively ecstatic. They picked the wounded wolf up, took him to the basement and locked him in a cage.

  "Is that really necessary?" I asked. "You can just leave him on the floor. You don't have to lock him up like a convict."

  "Zeeelda just spent nine months in the pokey for killing meeeee," Fabio explained to a now confused crowd.

  "TMI, dude," I told my cat. "Seriously, don't lock him up."

  I had no clue why locking the wolf up bothered me but it did.

  "Trust me," the rabbit chimed in. "It will be better for everyone if he's incarcerated when he wakes up."

  The Shifters all moved quickly to the stairs and right out the front door, including Simon, Chuck, Wanda and Bo.

  "Um, is there a reason you all are leaving so soon?" I asked, now somewhat uncomfortable and more than a little freaked out. "Is he going to want kill me or something like that?"

  "Hell no," my mountain lion buddy said. "He won't harm a hair on your head. We just think you'll need some privacy."

  With that cryptic message they fled. It was me and Fabio against the world...and the wolf.

  "Was that as weird as I think it was?" I asked him.

  "I'd haaave to say yesssss."

  "Okay, good, because I'd hate to think I was crazy."

  "Ohhhh, you're crazy, buuut that was odd."

  "You're a pain in my ass," I told him as I flopped down on the couch and went for the remote of the lovely ginormous flat screen TV.

  "Thaank youuuu. Can weeee watch Animal Planet?"

  "No. No, we can't. Nice try though."

  "How abooout Say Yes to the Dressssssss?"

  "Now you're talking."

  Chapter Nine

  I jerked up and gasped as I wiped the drool from my mouth. I had clearly fallen asleep. Dragging several hundred pounds of wolf and getting bled on can do that to a girl. Fabio was on my head and the racket coming from the basement made me shudder. The wolf was awake and he wasn't happy.

  His bellowing was ear splitting and it was giving me a headache. Obviously he had shifted back to human form and was pissed. Suddenly it seemed like a very good idea that he was locked up, but if the violent cage rattling was any indication he wouldn't be locked up for long.

  Shitshitshit.

  "What do I do?" I hissed at Fabio as I pulled him off my head.

  "Ruuun?" he suggested.

  His recommendation had merit and I considered it for eight seconds, but when the shouting got even louder I got mad.

  "I saved that stupid wolf's life. He is not going to give me a migraine," I groused as I got to my feet. "You coming?"

  "Oooonly if youuuuu make me," he said.

  "You're worthless," I muttered as I stomped to the door of the basement. I'd had enough of this crap. At least the last group I'd saved had brought me presents. This jackass was just loud and ungrateful.

  "Let me out of here. Now," a deep and strangely familiar voice bellowed.

  "If you would shut your cakehole for two seconds I might," I yelled as I rounded the corner and marched angrily into the room only to stop short and gape.

  It was Hot Ass Guy from the grocery store and he was naked. About six feet four of total, furious buck ass naked perfection enthralled me and I couldn't move. His eyes narrowed dangerously as he took me in.

  "I should have known it was you," he muttered disgustedly.

  "Listen, you unappreciative asswaffle, you need to change that crappy attitude or I'll leave you in that cage," I shot back. I also tried like hell not to stare at his truly spectacular package.

  "Did you just call me an asswaffle?" he asked in shock.

  "Yes, I did...because you are."

  "My eyes are up here," he countered dryly.

  I felt the heat crawl up my neck and land on my cheeks as I yanked my gaze from his abundant man jewels to his face.

  "Can't blame a girl for looking," I informed him, hoping I sounded casual and uninterested. My bored tone was actually pretty good, but my insides were on fire and my lady bits were screaming. Holy Hell, if I let him out there was a fine chance I'd jump him.

  "If you release me I'll let you touch it," he offered in a voice that made my knees weak.

  "No. You're a pig. I wouldn't touch that thing if you paid me," I snapped. "I'm sure it's had a very active social life."

  "First of all I'm a wolf, not a pig—pig shifters don't exist. As far as my Johnson's social life goes, he knows what to do."

  He grinned and my panties dampened.

  "So you're the new Shifter Whisperer?" he asked doubtfully.

  "First of all, you really need to come up with a more original name than Johnson for your weenie, and even if you begged I wouldn’t touch that behemoth with a ten foot pole. And no, I am not the new Shifter Woowoohoodoo. I'm just filling in until you idiots find a permanent replacement. Now if you want me to fix you, you will have to cover your Johnson or shift back to wolf."

  "Come here," he said softly.

  "Um… I don't think that's a good plan," I mumbled as I fought to unlock my green eyes from staring into his sapphire blue ones.

  "Come here," he repeated softly.

  Son of a bitch, his voice was like honey and he smelled like heaven. My body yet again took over for my brain. I walked toward the wolf like a moth to a flame.

  As I approached his eyes grew wide and he sniffed the air. He winced and pinched the bridge of his nose.

  "Stop that. I do
not smell bad," I snapped just before I angrily walked to the cage and poked him. "You are rude and I might not fix you."

  He grabbed my hand and pinned me against the cage. "This is not happening," he muttered. "This cannot be happening."

  "You may be hot but you're weird...and you're scaring me. Let me go. Now."

  I tried to jerk away but he held me fast. His scent was making me dizzy and my stomach was hosting a track meet. I needed to get away from him. Quickly.

  "Open the cage, Zelda."

  He was very sexy and I was very horny. Not a good combo.

  "Nope, and how do you know my name?"

  "Your Aunt Hildy spoke of you often," he said. His grip lessened but still kept me trapped.

  "Oh my Goddess," I grumbled, hating my aunt. "Did you do her too?"

  "Don't talk about her like that," he ground out through clenched teeth. "She was like a mother to me."

  "Awesome," I yelled, completely relieved that he hadn't humped Hildy. "Now let me go or I won't heal you."

  "I wouldn't need you to heal me if you hadn't zapped my ass with a volt that should have killed me." He raised his eyebrows, obviously waiting for an apology. It was never coming in this lifetime.

  "I saved your hairy butt, you unthankful jerk," I informed him as my eyebrows shot higher than his.

  "I was doing fine until you showed up."

  His arrogance made me grind my teeth.

  "Right." I rolled my eyes. "It certainly looked that way with twenty honey badgers taking a bite out of you."

  "I was minutes away from destroying them when you jumped in. You could have died," he accused.

  "Yes, but instead I popped all the fuckers and dragged your sorry ass here. You bled on my Prada and Max Midnight. I don't like you."

  "Who is Max Midnight?" he demanded as he pulled me closer. His eyes were wild and it was sexier than hell. I had to hold my tongue so I didn't beg to touch his damn Johnson.

  "My miniskirt, you asshole."

  "It's not your lover?" he asked as he calmed a little.

  WTF? Was he jealous?

  "Um… no."

  "Do you have a lover?"