Within Reach

by Talie D. Hawkins

  “I’m guessing I’m not even on the list.”

  “Not really. Adam from study hall told people he saw you guys together, but he was pretty sure it was just school work.” I didn’t know how my ego should feel about not being on the list. “We need to come up with a plan to get your feels under control. Not just for Riley, but for overall quality of life.”

  Hearing her say it felt like a punch in the throat, but she was right. I told her about the chat I had online with someone from the SRC. She wasted no time grabbing my laptop and finding the bookmark. She logged into the chat window and asked for Mason.

  He was online and popped up in a private chat window. “Is this Jane?”

  “This is Jane’s best friend. She needs to know, but won’t ask, how she can handle something like kissing someone.” I saw what she typed and was immediately mortified. I tried grabbing my laptop away, but she turned her back to me and wrapped as much of her body around it to keep it away from me.

  “Ha! Okay. ;) Jane is in luck. I get asked questions about intimacy a lot.” She read it to me and I motioned for her to scoot over so I could see too. “Did she remember the advice I gave her about not closing people off?” Gwen looked at me with a question on her face.

  “What? I tried it but it’s too scary and intense,” I said in my defense. Gwen replied with a simple “no”.

  “Okay, she needs to try my advice as an act of good faith. Then she should let me know how it goes. We’ll work from there.”

  “Great! She’ll get back to you in a week :)”

  She closed my laptop and looked at me as she tapped her fingers on my nightstand. “You have been holding out on me. You didn’t tell me you were talking to someone.”

  “I didn’t think it was worth mentioning.”

  “I think you need to try his advice. I have to go. I’m meeting Jake.”

  I envied how easy it was for her in that moment. And I wondered if Riley could have actually been talking about me.

  Chapter 13

  It was impossible to sleep that night. I tossed and turned as I thought about what Gwen told me. I decided to give up and grabbed my doodle pad from my backpack. It had been a while since I had done one and John Keats’ words “Touch has a memory” seemed to appear all on their own across my paper. They seemed ironic when I said them out loud. How many memories had I actually missed out on from my lack of touch?

  I let my mind take over and I started to shade in a faint hand behind the words, as if it was trying to grab them. It seemed appropriate, like the ghost of all the touches I should have experienced. I tossed the book back into my bag and rolled over to my side so I could stare out of my window. So many things were on my mind, but they each faded one by one until sleep replaced them.

  Riley slid into chemistry late the next day. He didn’t look like his normal, too confident self. He was distracted as he mumbled an apology to Ms. Moore. She announced that we would be paired back up with our same partners for the next project and Riley and I both looked at each other at the same time. A little spark of his cocky attitude was back when he gave me an “I told you so” look. I rolled my eyes at him and smiled.

  As class was letting out I cornered him. “When should we get started on this?” I asked. He looked around and seemed to be distracted.

  “Can we set up a time later? I need be somewhere.”

  “Yeah, sure,” I agreed, a little confused about why he seemed to be in a hurry to get away from me. He was out of the room before I could say another word.

  I flopped into the seat next to Gwen in study hall and I was unable to hide the despondency I was feeling.

  “Who pissed in your cheerios?” she asked.

  “Riley.”

  She automatically offered me some of the cheesy puffs she had been stuffing in her face. “What did he do now?”

  “It’s what he didn’t do. The other day he gave me the silent treatment, then he shows up at Sacred Grounds when he’s worried about me.”

  “Thank god he did,” she added.

  “Now he’s...like...avoiding me. It bothers me.”

  “You like him,” she said with a smirk.

  “Ugh. Shut up.” I grabbed a cheesy puff and threw it at her. “Hey, guess where I get to go today?” I said in mocked enthusiasm.

  “Gee. Where?”

  “To see lawyers. All sorts of lawyers. I do not understand any of it. I just know there will be a lawyer for me, a lawyer for Chris, and a lawyer for his friend, who I now know is named Steven and is a senior at Washington High.”

  “Don’t forget the most important thing you know about Steven.”

  “What’s that?”

  “That he’s a dick.”

  I laughed a little too loud at her comment, causing a few classmates to look over at us. Trying not to laugh made it almost impossible not to, and soon I was gasping for air as Gwen and I tried to control the fact that we were cracking up. Our study hall teacher cleared her throat and gave us a look that told us it was time to pipe down. We both caught our breath and went back to the cheesy puffs.

  “I’m so tired,” I admitted out of no where.

  “I can tell. You only belly laugh when you’re ready to pass out.”

  This is why I loved her. She knew all the in’s and out’s of what it took to be me and when my world was a little upside down, that was a huge comfort.

  The meeting after school was in the courthouse. The attorneys had come up with some sort of plea that included both boys being shipped off to military school out of state, restraining orders, notification if they were in town, community service, and severe consequences if they even thought about doing anything stupid in the future. My dad reluctantly agreed after a lot of cussing and arguing, but our attorney convinced us that this was the best road unless we wanted to draw out the legal process for months and months. The whole thing gave me a headache and I wanted to put it in the past, so we agreed to their deal and I almost sprinted out of the building.

  As soon as I got home I called Gwen and told her what happened. She was stunned at first, then we both pictured Chris getting yelled at by his superiors at military school and we both broke out into laughter. I heard the little beep that let me know I had a text. It was from Riley.

  Were you the victor today? he asked.

  I think so. Some consolations and compromises.

  As long as he leaves you tf alone.

  He will.

  I waited for another text but that was it and it left me a little distracted. I told Gwen I would see her in the morning and I took out some homework I needed to finish. I woke up the next day with a pencil still gripped in my hand and a spiral notebook jabbing me in the side. I groaned when I grabbed my phone to turn off the alarm. I let it fall out of my hands and forced my body to roll over and wake up.

  I went to the closet and pulled out a faded pair of jeans and a black and white ringer tee. I made myself presentable and got to school with enough time to track Riley down. I sent him a text as I walked in, asking if he was in the building yet, but I spotted him before he needed to reply. From what I saw, he wasn’t planning on answering me. I watched as he pulled his phone from his pocket, read the message, then stuffed his phone back in as he shook his head. I had unexplainable hurt feelings in that moment and scrapped my plan to talk to him.

  I tried not to be too obvious with watching the door when I got to chemistry, but he walked in a few minutes after me and made a stop at Ms. Moore’s desk. Since we were back at our lab tables, I was stuck in the back and unable to hear the conversation, but I could see Riley toss his hands up in frustration before he walked over to me.

  “Hey,” he grumbled at me.

  “Hi,” I answered cautiously.

  “I didn’t have a chance to look up project ideas.”

  “Oh, I looked up a few. We could do this,” I said, pulling out my notes and pointing to the idea of vitamin d deficiency and its effects on people of various ages. I looked at Riley after he didn’t r
espond and noticed that he was staring out of the window. I dropped my pencil and crossed my arms over. “Am I boring you?”

  “What? Oh, sorry.” He was clearly distracted.

  “What’s going on?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Never mind.” I closed my notebook and gave up.

  “Hey, can we do this later at the library? I have a lot on my mind. Are you free after school?”

  “Sure,” I agreed.

  I showed up in the library a little early, thinking about what Gwen said when I told her how he had acted in chemistry. She said I was reading too much into it and he was probably just preoccupied with something. I had to remind myself that even thought I had shared some pretty intense moments with Riley, he was still somewhat of a stranger to me in so many ways.

  After sitting there for a few minutes I felt my phone buzz. It was a text from Riley telling me he’d have to cancel. I tossed my phone on the table and let out a frustrated sigh. He didn’t offer an explanation. Just said he couldn’t make it. No apology.

  I decided I would choose our project and settled on making a polymer (bouncy) ball station in class, and if other students chose to, they could make one for themselves. I worked on the library computer, printing up the supplies we would need and looking up how much time the process would take. When I was done I sent Riley a brief description of the lab and what I would need from him. This time I didn’t wait for a reply. I stuffed my things back into my bag and headed to work.

  Max made a disapproving sound with her tongue when she saw me walk in alone. I knew this would make her feel obligated to stay later, but I promised her I would be okay and explained the conditions of Chris’s “freedom”.

  “I can come back and check on you,” Zane offered from where he was studying.

  “I swear I’ll be okay. My dad is going to stop in when it’s time for me to lock up.”

  They both finished what they were doing as I got settled into my shift and left shortly after. I told myself not to check my phone for a Riley message, but I wasn’t very good at taking my own advice. I checked it and there was actually a reply, though it wasn’t much of one. He sent me a thumbs up. I had done all of that work, typed a long and explanatory message to him, and I got an emoji.

  Chapter 14

  It was my turn to give him the silent treatment. When he sat next to me I didn’t look up in his direction. I kept my eyes focused on the doodle that managed to keep me awake in Chemistry. “We are all broken. That’s how the light gets in” by Hemingway was the quote of the day. I drew bold letters that looked as if they were cracking, and in those cracks was light. I managed to get so lost in the drawing that I forgot about who was next to me and why I was ignoring him.

  “Some of us would be almost all light if that were true.” Riley’s voice felt like an intrusion. I looked up and noticed he was standing, staring down at me like he was waiting for an answer to a question I didn’t hear. “Do you have time work today?”

  I nodded yes and noticed everyone was leaving class. I looked at the clock and gasped a little when I realized that I had managed to tune out the entire hour.

  “Calm down little imp. You didn’t miss much.” He grabbed his things and headed out just like everyone else and I sat there, stunned at the fact that he was being so normal again.

  I was digging in my bag, looking for a clean sheet of paper, when he found me in the library later that day. I tossed my doodle book onto the table to make room and he grabbed it and flipped though it when he sat across from me. He stopped at the Keats quote about touch and laughed to himself. It wasn’t a humorous laugh. It sounded more like a laugh you make when you completely understand something.

  “So, this is where it all started,” he said as he laced his hands behind his head.

  “Where what started?” I placed my notes on the table between us. Riley leaned in and rested his chin on his hands.

  “Where my raging crush on Jane St. George started,” he said with a smirk.

  I almost choked. “What?” I managed to spit out.

  “So what do you have?” He asked, completely changing the subject. I tried to recover from what he had just said, telling myself he was only joking. I took a gulp of air and showed him how the project would work. “Great! We can make it look like Willy Wonka or something to add flare. Why don’t you come over tomorrow and we’ll think up some things we can build.” I was a little surprised that he wanted to work on a Saturday.

  “Okay. Oh, wait. I forgot that I work until six. Is that too late?”

  “Nah. We can at least map out our plan. Maybe go through my mom’s design stuff and see what we can use.”

  “Won’t she mind?” I asked. He laughed a humorless laugh again.

  “If it doesn’t involve the affair she’s having at our beach house in Monterey then she won’t care,” he said, bitterly. I didn’t know how to reply.

  We both got up and grabbed our stuff, but I managed to drop my chemistry folder on the ground. Riley bent down with me and helped me collect all of the worksheets and notes. As he handed me a stack of papers his hand brushed against mine for a fraction of a second. I shivered all over at the unexpected contact. He was exhausted. I could feel it through my whole body and it made me long for sleep, but more than that. I wanted to get away from everyone and everything. I wondered what had him feeling this way.

  “Are you okay?” he asked. My face must have given me away. I forced a casual smile.

  “I’m fine. Just making sure these are back in order,” I said, holding a few pages up. “I’ll see you later.”

  Talking to Riley had me thinking about the kiss incident and I knew I needed to start working on Mason’s advice, but I didn’t know how. I decided to log onto the SRC’s website as soon as I got home from school, and I was in luck when I found him online. I typed a message and his little chat window popped up in the corner of my screen.

  “Hi. Have you been thinking about what I said?” He wasted no time asking. I had to calm the questions in my head down so I could start asking them.

  “How do I start? It’s not like I can randomly start hugging everyone I know out of the blue.”

  “LOL. No, I guess not. What if you start with people you don’t know? Like in a situation that requires a lot of hand shaking.”

  I had never considered that, but with strangers I would have no personal attachment to what they were feeling and I could let it go a little easier. I thought about the possible scenarios that would put me in that situation, but I came up empty.

  “I like that idea, but I’m drawing a blank.”

  “You’ll think of something. Good luck, and let me know how it goes.”

  I thanked him again and logged off. I mentally searched for any reason to be in a room full of people I didn’t know, and nothing came to mind, so I did what I usually do. I called Gwen.

  “I need help,” I announced when she answered with a “hmm?” “I need to meet a bunch of new people all at once and I need to shake their hands. They need to be strangers I may never see again.”

  “Right, because that’s a normal and average demand,” she said sarcastically.

  “Any ideas?”

  “Yes, actually. College tour and mixer at NAU this weekend. My parents are trying to convince me to go because the tuition is so much cheaper in state. They just want me to ‘see what they have to offer’.” I could picture her doing air quotes as she mocked her parents. “We can slum it together in the dorms.”

  “Where do I sign up?”

  I called work right away and asked if there was any way I could switch my days off. Max agreed to it, agreeing that a change of scenery might be a good idea. After I got work’s approval I convinced my dad to let me go with Gwen and he agreed, but only if we took my car. He thought Gwen was too distracted behind the wheel. He went online to fill out my permission forms and I sent Riley a text asking if we could postpone our planning session.

  So sorry. I have to go to
Flagstaff for a campus tour. Can we plan another day?

  No prob. Campus tour?

  Yep. College will be here before we know it.

  So they keep telling me. Be safe.

  I sent him a smiley face and plugged my phone in to charge while I packed.

  Gwen was at my house first thing in the morning with enough junk food to feed us for several days even though we’d only be gone twenty four hours. We tossed our things in the back, made a quick stop at Sacred Grounds for some road trip coffee, and we were on our way. Gwen pulled out a bag of mini chocolate donuts to wash down with our drinks and started on a game plan for how this experiment would work.

  “We need a safe word,” she said as she popped a whole donut in her mouth.

  “For, like, if it gets too intense and I need to get out fast?”

  She nodded yes and her eyes lit up. “I know! Pineapple upside-down cake!” If I hadn’t been driving I would have glared at her.

  “How about something that actually makes sense,” I suggested with sarcasm. “Like ‘allergies’?”

  “That’s boring.” She put the mini donuts away and grabbed some gummy bears out of the bag.

  “If I say I’m having terrible allergies, you come to my rescue.”

  “Fine,” she pouted. She slid her aviator sunglasses on top of her head and put her feet up. “It’s so pretty up here.”

  Even though Flagstaff was only two hours away, it felt like a completely different world compared Phoenix. The desert landscape morphed into tall pine trees and snow capped mountains. It wasn’t unusual for Phoenix to have spring-like weather while Flagstaff was covered in ice. Gwen and I had dressed appropriately. She was in jeans and an over sized, pink sweatshirt and I had on some thick, black leggings and a black and blue flannel shirt. As we climbed the mountains to our destination, the temps dropped and I turned on the heat.

  Soon, we were on the famous Route 66 in the old town section of Flagstaff. She and I had been up here dozens of times together. It was a popular spot for escaping the hot summers. The college was right in the middle of town and pretty small. That made finding our guest dorms an easy task. There was a girl dressed in a pants suit standing at the entrance. She was greeting everyone and passing out an itinerary as they arrived.