Within Reach

by Talie D. Hawkins

  I shook the first person’s hand and made myself use a firm grip. She was tired. That was all I could read and it wasn’t terrible. Her group moved on and each person with her said goodbye with a pat on the shoulder or another handshake. I tried to keep a mask of feeling at ease on my face, but that was hard with the last person. He was simmering on the inside, but had the calmest charm on the outside. These types of people scared me most. I was always shocked at how easily some people could hide what they were really thinking. I almost jumped when I felt how he was seething behind his sincere looking smile. I turned to Gwen as soon as he walked away.

  “Can I be done now?” I was almost begging.

  “Depends,” she said as she popped a doughnut hole in her mouth. “Has any of this helped?”

  I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms. “I honestly don’t know. Maybe? That last guy would have probably made me run from this room under normal circumstances.”

  “Then we know what we need to do. You need to keep this up. Don’t flinch when people approach.”

  I sighed a heavy sigh.

  “Starting with that guy,” she said, nodding to the other side of the dining hall. I spotted Riley talking to a group of guys wearing lacrosse jerseys. He turned in my direction as if he felt me staring and I was rewarded with a smile. After what happened the night before, I was sure he was just being polite.

  Our dive home felt faster than the drive up. My dad was trying to look casual as he sat on the front porch with the paper, but I could tell he had been waiting anxiously. He helped Gwen load her stuff into the car and then he and I went inside.

  “I thought we could go out to dinner. You can tell me what you thought.”

  “Sounds good. I’m gonna take a nap. I’m pretty beat,” I said with a yawn.

  I tossed my bag on the floor and collapsed on my bed. My whole body was tired from my little experiment. I picked up my phone and let my thumb hover over Riley’s name on my message list. I thought about what my apology should sound like.

  I suck I typed and before I could think about it I hit send.

  Care to elaborate? he sent back almost immediately.

  Exhaustion was clouding my judgement.

  I want to not be terrified of being close to you. I don’t know how to do that.

  Why would you be terrified of me? he asked.

  I didn’t respond. I dropped my phone on the ground and stared at my ceiling until my eyes were too heavy to keep open.

  Chapter 17

  The sound of a knock at my door woke me up. I glanced at my clock and realized I had been asleep for three hours. I yelled to my dad to let him know I was up and going to get ready. I felt a little more energized after a long shower and some clean clothes. When I stepped into my living room I expected to find my dad waiting, but I found Riley instead. I stood there and stared at him, completely stunned.

  “Your dad said I could wait for you,” he said. He stood up from where he had been sitting on my couch. I looked around for my dad and spotted him at the kitchen table.

  “Why are you here?”

  “Because I need to know what your text meant,” he whispered. I squeezed my eyes shut and silently chastised myself.

  “I’m a mess, Riley.”

  “And very vague.”

  “My dad is right there. Can we have this conversation another time? Maybe after school tomorrow?” I begged him with my eyes.

  “After school.” He said it like a warning then left me there to think about what I could possibly say to make him understand.

  I was a little nervous about seeing him the next day at school, but it ended up being pretty uneventful. We were busy planning for our presentation in chemistry and he didn’t press me for explanations about my cryptic text messages. I told Gwen about my stupid mistake the next hour in study hall. She shook her head and called it a “rookie move” as she leaned back in her chair.

  “I’m so stupid. What am I going to tell him?” I whispered as we sat at the back of the class.

  “Maybe try the truth,” she said, as if it were the easiest thing in the world. I kicked her chair and made all four legs slam to the ground. “Hey!” she complained a little too loudly, earning us a suspicious look from the teacher.

  “Are we talking about the same truth where I can’t really participate in physical contact?”

  “I believe you, and I don’t believe in anything...but pizza.”

  I could only stare at her in disbelief.

  “Oh my god,” she said with an eye roll. “Look, here it is, all spelled out. Either he believes you or he doesn’t. Problem solved.”

  “How?” I needed her to enlighten me on why this seemed so simple.

  “Do you really think he’ll give you the time of day if he thinks you’re nuts?”

  “Good point. So what do I do? Just blurt it out or ease him into it?”

  “You’ll figure it out.” The bell rang before she could give me anymore advice.

  The rest of my school day was a loss. All I could think about was how to word what I needed to say to Riley. Nothing I came up with seemed right. Part of me conceded to the fact that he would probably think I was completely insane and what I said might not even matter too much. I looked for him after school, but got a text telling me he had left a little early and I needed to meet him at his place. Gwen was able to sneak up on me as I walked to my car, making me jump when she stepped in front of me and yelled “boo!”.

  “Don’t do that,” I complained.

  “Sorry. You’re an easy target, all distracted like that.”

  “I’m on my way to his place. Any idea of what I should say?”

  “Nope,” she said as she stuffed her hands in the pocket of her hoodie. She pulled one out to wave a quick goodbye and I was left standing there to figure this out on my own. I took a look at my reflection in my car window. I was wishing I had done more with my outfit. My black leggings, gray t- shirt, and red flannel didn’t seem like the right outfit for telling someone I was an empath. At least I had on my white converse in case I needed to make a run for it.

  I pulled into his driveway and tapped nervously on my steering wheel as I stared at his front door. My feet were going to need a lot of convincing if I wanted them to move. “It is what it is,” I told myself. I took a big breath of courage and rang the doorbell before it passed. He was wearing a huge smile when he opened the door.

  “I thought I was going to have to drag you in here if you sat out there any longer,” he said as he leaned against his doorway. I could feel myself turning every shade of red possible. I couldn’t manage a response. “Come in,” he said as he moved aside and waved me through. “I was just making a snack.” He started walking to his kitchen and I followed along. “I want my blood sugar to be on point while I listen to you explain yourself,” he said with a smirk. He leaned on his kitchen island and waited for my response.

  “Yeah, about that. I have to figure out where to start.”

  “Well, you know what they say about the beginning,” he said as he opened his fridge. “Are you hungry?”

  “I’m good,” I said. The nervousness in my stomach made the thought of food an unpleasant one. He finished taking things out for a sandwich he was making and I waited patiently for him to finish.

  A cold feeling started taking over my spine, causing an unsettling sting from the top of my head to the heels of my feet. At the same time I saw Riley stop what he was doing and look behind me. I heard footsteps on the kitchen tile, but the feeling I had made it impossible to move. As the footsteps got closer, the feeling got worse. I gripped the counter on the island to steady myself and tried to act normal.

  “Riley, I didn’t know you had company,” a man’s voice said.

  “Hey dad. This is Jane St. George, my chemistry partner.”

  I turned in his direction and he held his hand out for me to shake. He was filling the room with so many unpleasant feelings and they were all starting to overwhelm me. I forced a smil
e and took his hand, masking the fact that it felt like I had been kicked in the gut as soon as he touched me. Beads of sweat started to pop up on my forehead and the ground below my feet wasn’t feeling very steady.

  “Nice to meet you, Jane. Make sure this one doesn’t try to make you do all the heavy lifting,” he said with a toothy smile and slap on Riley’s back. I saw Riley steady his face as his jaw tightened. “I’ll let you two get back to it.”

  It felt like the air pressure in the room dropped when he left and I could still feel the effects of his presence and handshake. I saw Riley roll his eyes as he slammed the fridge door shut. He was saying something, but the ringing in my ears kept me from hearing any of it. He stopped in the middle of his rant to look at me. I think he asked me if I was okay, but I didn’t have time to answer before my knees completely gave out. I tried to grab the counter to catch myself, but I wasn’t quick enough. The last thing I remember was coming face to face with Riley’s chest before everything went black.

  My eyes hurt as they fluttered open and it took me a long few moments to figure out that Riley’s kitchen was coming into view as I focused. An uncontrollable sense of concern mixed with a very familiar sensation of comfort washed over me.

  “Hey there,” he whispered, looking directly down at me. I was able to get my bearings and realized that I was looking up at him with my head resting in his lap. His hand gently pushed a lock of hair out of my face. “Falling asleep is one thing. It’s kind of charming, but fainting?” I tried to sit up, but he discouraged it with a firm hand. “Easy. You’re lucky I caught you.”

  “Do you happen to have a rock I can crawl under?”

  “Yep, you’re okay.” He helped guide me up until I was leaning against his kitchen cabinets. “Please drink this,” he said, holding a sports drink in front of me. “I think you had a little drop in electrolytes.”

  “How long was I out?” I rubbed my face and sat up a little straighter. He was squatting in front of me with the drink in my face so I took it and took a long sip.

  “Good girl. Not long. A minute maybe. Any longer and I would have called 911.” He held out a hand and I took it, getting the same feeling from him as he guided me to the soft patio chairs just outside of his kitchen. He gave me a moment to get comfortable then he wasted no time saying what was on his mind. “I noticed something in there. You looked physically pained when my dad shook your hand. I’ve seen that look on your face before, but not that bad. I’m...I’m trying to add up all the clues, but I’m coming up short.” He leaned toward me in his chair and clasped his hands together. “Tell me what I’m missing.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut and thought about what he said. Start at the beginning. When I opened them he was looking directly at me and I knew it was time to say it all, and deal with whatever the outcome would be.

  Chapter 18

  I grabbed the hem of my flannel shirt and played with it as I worked on what to say first. “Let’s say you’re having a bad day, but you happen to be an Oscar winning actor.”

  He raised a skeptical eyebrow at me. “Go on...”

  “Okay...so again, your day is terrible, but you use your award winning acting to hide it. You come to see me, and you smile and make a joke, and when I look at you everything seems okay, until you shake my hand.”

  “Uh-huh.” He looked puzzled, but he didn’t interrupt.

  “When you shake my hand, no amount of award winning acting can mask how bad your day is. All of the emotions you are sincerely feeling crawl through the tips of your fingers and into me and I feel it. It’s as real to me as if I’m an extension of you.”

  He stared at me for a long moment then let out a sigh as he leaned back in his chair. I watched as he shook his head.

  “Now imagine if you were me and that happened with every person you came in contact with. Going from worried, to angry, to melancholy, to giddy and you become exhausted and sometimes unable to remember which feelings are yours and which are borrowed.” All the words were spilling out a mile a minute, just above a whisper.

  “Isn’t there a word for that?” he finally asked.

  “Empath.” I waited for him to say something else, but he didn’t and my heart sank. “That’s what happens to me. I can feel everything and it overwhelms me. If it’s bad enough, or strong enough I can feel it without being touched. When...when you told me that you wanted to kiss me I suddenly felt this longing for something I didn’t even know I missed.” Thinking about it and how much it hurt had me clutching my stomach. “I went to the college tour to try some exposure therapy, but it was...” I closed my eyes as I remembered the sensation of so many overwhelming feelings. “ This is why I’m afraid.” I twisted the cloth in my hands and kept my eyes cast down. I felt the salty sting of a tear falling down my cheek, but Riley wiped it away before I could. The unexpected gesture made me jump a little and he pulled his hand back. “I don’t want to be afraid,” I whispered, hoping he would understand now. I caught his eye and nothing on his face gave away anything he might have been feeling. Something kicked in and I stood up. I didn’t want to know what was going on in his head and I was afraid that if I stayed I’d find out.

  “What are you doing?” he asked as he got up with me.

  “Let me go home. I told you what you wanted to know.”

  “Wait,” he said, blocking my path. “Tell me why you fainted earlier.”

  I sighed and looked at the sky as I searched for the right words. “I don’t have to live with him and I don’t know how you do.”

  I was numb as I drove home. The adrenaline from being so nervous about telling Riley the truth had drained me and all I wanted to do was crawl in bed. Thankfully, my dad had ordered a pizza and was watching a game when I got home, so I was spared too much small talk.

  “Janey,” he called out just as I got to my bedroom door.

  “Yeah, Dad?”

  “I have to head up north tomorrow morning and I’ll probably stay the night. Get Gwen to stay over.”

  “Okay, I’ll call her now.” I got ready for bed first and by the time I was done I was too tired to call Gwen. Instead, I curled up with my favorite pillow and fell asleep faster than I ever had.

  The next morning I bolted out of bed when the sound of my alarm startled me. I felt thrown off by the fact that I had slept through the night. I was used to doing a lot of waking up and tossing and turning.

  I grabbed a clean pair of skinny jeans and a black t- shirt out of my closet and put them on as I attempted to brush my teeth at the same time. My hair was a mess so I put on a slouchy gray beanie cap to hide it. I just wanted to get this day over with as fast as possible, so I slipped into my boots and army jacket and got to school a little early.

  I mentally prepared myself for the possibility that Riley wouldn’t give me the time of day, or that things between us could be awkward, but neither happened. He wasn’t in class. My brain automatically assumed it was because of me and I did my best not to well up during class, even when Ms. Moore’s monotone voice asked if I could take notes for him.

  I explained the entire chain of events to Gwen, who stared, wide eyed, as she listened to the tale. She was so enthralled that she forgot about the bag of peanut butter cups we had been snacking on.

  “I can’t believe you fainted. Do you really think that’s why he didn’t come to school?” she asked. My only answer was a shrug.

  “Oh, my dad won’t be home tonight and honestly I think I need some head space, but if he asks, tell him you stayed over.”

  “Sure thing. If my mom asks, I stayed over,” she said with a wink.

  “I take it that means stuff is good with Jake? I envy how simple that is for you.”

  “I don’t have a good response, so here,” she said, offering me a peanut butter cup.

  “Thanks.”

  As I was halfway to my car at the end of the day I realized that I had forgotten a book I needed for a paper that was due. I made my way back to the building, but stopped in my tracks w
hen I saw Gwen in a very confrontational stance with Riley. I wondered when he had gotten to school or if he had just skipped chemistry to avoid me.

  I moved closer until I found a good vantage spot behind a minivan. I could see and hear them, but I was virtually hidden.

  “Don’t you dare break her heart,” I heard Gwen threaten with a menacing finger aimed at Riley’s face.

  “Aren’t you supposed to be the lazier faire one?” he asked with a hint of sarcasm.

  “I’m not playing around Riley. What she shared with you is something no one else knows. I watch how it keeps her from doing things you and I take for granted every day.You remember Callie Chapman from freshman year? Jane knew, Riley. She knew and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do for her because no one would listen! It’s not an easy burden. Do you know how many times she has asked me if I’m sure there wasn’t something she could have done to save her? Jesus, at least a few times a week. That weighs on her every day... and the fact that she can’t indulge in this crush you have on each other is killing her. Don’t be an asshole.” She was still armed with her finger pointed at him and they were locked in an eye to eye standoff. Gwen gave up first and paced a little.

  “When I was in middle school my grandma died. I was beyond heartbroken, but I’m not the girl who can show anyone that I feel anything at all. I have a guard like no one’s business. The day after she died I put on my mascara and my favorite outfit and I waltzed into school like nothing bad had happened. I fooled everyone. I made my sarcastic jokes and annoyed my teachers just like any other day and then I sat with Jane.” She stopped walking and looked Riley in the eye again. “The minute I sat down with her she started to well up. I had made sure a smile was on my face. I made fun of what she brought to eat for lunch, but she knew. We were so close that she knew without touching me. My grief was bottled up all day and it started to ooze out until Jane started sobbing, and then it exploded and I was sobbing too. Understand what I’m saying to you.”