Just Breathe

by Heather Allen

  She looks at me sadly, “Unfortunately, Ever, this is my doing. Jaspen swore revenge upon me when I left. I hurt him when I chose a human over him. I think this might be his revenge. I am so sorry honey, that you have to bear the burden of my mistakes.”

  She stresses her words, “This is why you have to choose land. The Erebus must not want you to choose the sea so they have taken Jack to make sure you stay here.”

  I am on the verge of tears at this point. I get up and run to my room. My mom calls after me that dinner is almost ready. Great.

  15

  Eighteen

  On Wednesday morning I am a complete mess. I barley slept because all I could think about was Jack. I feel so helpless.

  I drag myself out of bed and robotically get ready for school. It is unbelievable that I am actually going to school but I have no idea how to help him. Thinking about school makes me think of Jack so I decide to go and maybe he will magically be there. Maybe the lake incident was just a figment of my imagination. Truly, I know nothing has changed and he is gone. There is nothing I can do to help him. If Gam-aw is right, the only way I can help is to choose land.

  I drive slowly to school and scan the lot for the yellow car in the parking lot. It’s not there which makes my heart sink. Gabbi walks up as I am getting out of the jeep. She can tell I am down again based on her concern.

  “Hey, Ever, are you alright?”

  No my boyfriend, if I can call him that, has been kidnapped and whether I choose land or sea in a long story, guarantees that I will never see him again. That about sums it up.

  But I brush it off, “Yeah fine, I just didn’t sleep very well last night.”

  She proclaims trying to cheer me up, “So the big one eight on Friday. What are the plans?”

  I shrug as my heart drops further.

  “I don’t know. Gam-aw and my mom haven’t told me anything.”

  Realization hits, as I ask, “Whatever the plan is, you’re coming right?”

  I won’t be able to bear the birthday if at least, Gabbi isn’t there.

  She nods, “Wouldn’t miss it.”

  I tell her I have to get to class and we take off in opposite directions. I can only pretend to act normal for so long.

  The day drags on and Jack never shows up to any of our classes together. I go over every scenario. If I choose land, I forget him and never see him again but I still see my family and life doesn’t change. If I choose sea, something will happen to him and I will never see him again or my family. I don’t get a break with either choice. What to do? I think I’m falling deeper than when Michael broke up with me.

  I go to the lake again after school in hopes that Jack will be there. No such luck. Actually there is no one there, not even anyone fishing.

  I walk to the bank and sit down with my head in my arms. Suddenly, a thought occurs to me. Jack said he lives around here so maybe he has connections to other people around here.

  I hop in the jeep with renewed hope and start driving around looking for places around the lake. This proves to be a waste of time and energy. I should have known. There isn’t a person or structure within miles. He was here for me, just as he said. I have no idea where he slept or stayed overnight, but it couldn’t have been anywhere near here.

  The rest of the week is torture. Friday looms with every hour and by Wednesday my mom has suddenly decided to get into the whole birthday thing. She thinks a party would be fitting for eighteen. Not just any party but one in which she has to invite half of my senior class. She and Gam-aw decide my family will celebrate the day before at a restaurant. On Friday after the football game, all of my friends will come to a party at the Harding house, sans parents. I am shocked that she even suggested it.

  ***

  My actions are routine while I get ready for the dinner with my family. I decide my parents deserve more than my usual drab and depressed so I slip on a purple mini-dress that is befitting of the occasion. They decided we would go to a local Mexican restaurant called The Alamo. I love Mexican food any other time but right now, I just feel sick to my stomach constantly.

  As we are sitting down to dinner, I look across the table at James. He decided to grace us with his presence. Suddenly, I see yellow flash across his eyes for a split second then it’s gone. My mouth drops open and he gives me a snarl of a smile. My stomach turns. I really think I’m going to be sick. I run to the bathroom and close myself up in a stall. A few minutes later Gam-aw comes in to check on me.

  She asks, “Ever, are you okay honey?”

  I come out of the stall and glare at her, “Am I okay? Am I okay? No, of course I’m not okay. With whatever choice I make, I will never see Jack again. On top of that I just saw James’ eyes.”

  I heave and turn toward the stall again.

  She steps forward but I turn to face her, “There was a flash of yellow in his eyes. What does that mean?”

  She tells me with downturned eyes shaking her head, “The Erebus must have gotten to James somehow. I’m not sure but now it is so important that you choose land. If you choose the sea…I don’t know, maybe it means something might happen to James.”

  I am dumbfounded, “What? Now they are going to take my brother too? I thought you had to be eighteen for this to affect you?”

  She looks at me sadly, “That is usually how it works, Ever. I am so sorry Jaspen has taken his revenge for me out on you and James. Please know that if I could change any of this, I would.”

  I shake my head and walk out. I can’t take any of this anymore. A month ago I was a normal teenage girl about to turn eighteen with only one thing to worry about, where to go to college next year. Here it is the eve of my birthday and everything in my being tells me to choose the sea but I can’t ignore that this choice has consequences affecting everyone I love.

  16

  The Choice

  I am sitting by the lake and suddenly I feel a spark of electricity down my shoulder. I jump and look up to the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. Those clear blue eyes pierce through me and all I can feel is relief. I get up and start to wrap my arms around him but he pushes me away and yells, “Run, Ever!” He takes my hand and we run together. Then I see it…the cliff is getting closer with each step I take. We reach the edge and leap without a pause. He looks over at me with that smile as we fall into the crashing water below.

  I wake with a start and sit straight up in bed soaking wet from sweat. My heart is still beating so fast. I have to take a few breaths to steady it. After my mind clears, I realize my reality and my heart breaks once again. The dream was so real and Jack was there with his smile…. Then more reality hits me, it’s the morning of December 2nd, my eighteenth birthday.

  I drag myself from bed and head for the shower. As I’m about to reach for the bathroom handle it turns and opens.

  James looks down at me and glares. I see a flash of yellow and he growls under his breath, “Today’s the day, make the right choice, Ever.”

  Then he smiles and walks to his room. My mouth drops open in shock. What the hell is going on with James? Why is he so moody and how does he know about my choice? I feel even worse now. I stay in the shower long after the water runs cold. I end up dragging so much to get ready for school that I am late.

  I walk into class tardy. When I sit down Sasha leans over, “Hey, are you alright?”

  I nod sinking into my seat and pull my hoodie over my head. I must not look so good. Well, I don’t feel so great either. I glance to the other side of me and the seat is empty. I feel the familiar tug in my core. I ache for him and I just don’t know what to do. When the bell rings signaling the end of class I start to head out of class and almost run into Michael.

  He taps me on my arm and tells me, “Hey Ever, I…um just wanted to wish you a happy birthday.”

  I squirm uneasily, “Oh yeah, thanks.”

  I give him the best smile I can manage for the circumstances and head for second period. I feel as if I’m moving in slow motion, as i
f I am just observing everything happening all around me.

  In third period Gabbi does her usual. She brought a cupcake for me and left it on my desk.

  When I walk in, she tells the whole class it’s my birthday, creating more unwanted attention. I get lots of well wishes. Unfortunately, it doesn’t affect my mood and the close looming decision I am dreading.

  Through the rest of the day people approach me to tell me they are looking forward to my party. Oh boy, I just can’t wait. I wonder as the day rolls on, how and when I will make this decision about the sea and land. Gam-aw and Jack never actually told me how the whole thing works. Do I make the decision in my head or is there a ceremony. And if that’s the case, how do my parents not find out…

  When I get home from school Gam-aw and my mom are there. My mom must have come home early from work to decorate and plan for the party. The backyard has been completely transformed and it is absolutely beautiful. She brought tables and chairs in and draped pink Chinese lanterns everywhere. The center pieces on the tables are beautiful vases full of multicolored flowers with pink ribbons. Gabbi will love all the color.

  I walk out admiring her work as she sing songs, “Happy birthday, Ever, what do you think?”

  “Thank you mom, it’s really wonderful.” I hug her tightly savoring her motherly touch.

  She laughs and tells me, “Just wait until it gets dark.”

  I suddenly feel defeated, realizing Jack won’t even be here for my birthday.

  She sees my mood change and asks, “Ever, are you okay?”

  “Yes, I was just going to go for a quick swim.”

  She nods and smiles, “Good idea, that will give Gam-aw and I some time to finish up here.”

  I can tell she is really enjoying this. Maybe she should have been a party planner instead.

  I head up to my room and go through the motions to change into my suit and gather my things. I feel as though I’m sinking deeper into a lake of mud. Pretty soon I won’t be able to breathe.

  James swings his head around the corner into my room and warns, “Remember to choose land for your little brother.”

  His lips move in an evil smile that is not even his. He ducks out before I can respond. I feel like I could pass out and sleep for days but I make myself leave. I decide to go to the lake instead of the pool. I feel closer to Jack there and I really need him right now, if only in my mind.

  When I get there, I undress quickly as if I can’t get in the water fast enough. I push myself and swim for a good two hours. My focus is my strokes and breathing. I try to take in everything and push it to the corners of my mind. It seems to work temporarily until I climb the bank of the lake and realize that my reality is lurking just hours away and there is nothing I can do to stop time.

  It’s almost dark when I finally decide to go back home. I know Gabbi will be the first to arrive and wonder where I am. As I drive back home I think about the decision and decide to talk to Gam-aw. I need to ask her how the whole decision thing works. I can’t even focus anymore on one decision or the other. They are muddled together in my mind, making no choice the right one.

  When I get home I head straight for my room and get ready. I decide on the usual jeans but I pick a pink top. I think my mom was trying a subtle hint with all the pink. I suppose I can play the part of the daughter turning eighteen tonight, temporarily at least. As I am about ready, I hear a knock on my door. Oh great, more comments from James.

  I yank the door open and start to lay into him,”What do you…”

  I realize it’s Gam-aw and stammer, “Sorry Gam-aw, I thought you were James.”

  By the look on her face, I surprised her.

  She comes into my room and sits on the edge of the bed.

  I ask in a strangled voice, “Gam-aw how does this whole choice thing work? I was about to come and ask you about when I need to make the decision and how.”

  She looks a little more upbeat than she was last night, the last time this subject came up.

  “Ever, you will need to stand outside at midnight, face the moon and make your decision.”

  I ask surprised, “Is that all?”

  She nods.

  I question, “Do you need to be there?”

  “If you need me, I can be here.”

  I think for a minute with her waiting expectantly and finally shake my head, “No, I want to do it on my own.”

  She relents, “That’s fine, but please remember all that is at stake with this decision.”

  I nod and look the other way trying to mask my uneasiness. When I turn back around, she is walking out of my room. I still haven’t made a choice and midnight is only four hours away.

  Suddenly there is laughter downstairs, Gabbi. Who can miss her unmistakable giggle? I smile and head down to greet my guests.

  When I step off the last step my mom hands me the infamous key basket and guides me to the backyard. It is gorgeous with a few dozen strings of lights draped across the yard. A table full of food and soda sits on the wooden deck and my dad’s sound system is set up for music and dancing. My mom really went all out. I turn to her and grab her in a hug.

  She hugs me back and whispers, “I know it’s been a hard senior year so far. Enjoy yourself tonight, you deserve it.” A tear falls down my cheek with the emotion that is about to overwhelm me. I quickly wipe it away before I pull away.

  She takes Gam-aw’s arm in hers and steers her to the front door. Then she turns and tells me, “Oh I almost forgot.”

  She opens a drawer in the hall table and hands me a small box wrapped in pink satin with a dainty white bow.

  “Happy birthday, honey.”

  I unwrap it and find a thin silver chain attached to a brooch with the figure of a mermaid made from bone etched into it.

  I look up and tell her with more tears in my eyes, “Oh mom, it’s beautiful.”

  She smiles telling me, “Well, I thought of you as soon as I saw it, my little mermaid.”

  Gabbi fastens it around my neck. I rub it between my fingers.

  As they are walking out, I ask, “Where’s dad and James?”

  She turns and tells me with a wink, “Your dad took your brother to a movie, just the two of them.”

  “Good, I think James needed that.”

  The house and backyard start filling up after ten when the football game is over. I play my part as a gracious hostess but in the back of my mind twelve is awfully close. Gabbi is better than me though. She makes sure all the keys make it into the basket and floats around socializing like the butterfly she is. My parents didn’t provide any alcohol as Julia’s usually do. There is plenty floating around that people brought with them.

  Around eleven o’clock, Michael and Brittany arrive with some of the other football players.

  He finds me in the kitchen and tells me, “Happy birthday. I think it’s only fitting we toast your birthday in the proper way.” And he holds up a bottle of Tequila.

  I take a step back and shake my head laughing, “No, you know Tequila and I are not friends.”

  I do not handle alcohol well. The few times I did drink any was disastrous but Michael was always there to take care of me.

  He insists while he pours shots for the five of us standing around, “Ever, it is your birthday and you are doing a shot with me.”

  I look around and Brittany holds up her shot while exclaiming, “Happy birthday.”

  I grab mine and hold it up. We down them together. I can feel it burn all the way down my throat.

  Gabbi strolls by right after and exclaims, “What? You guys didn’t wait for me?”

  I shake my head, “Nope, how about another?”

  The first shot is warming me. I like the feeling. It reminds me of Jack and his electric touch. Michael pours another round.

  I hold mine up and toast, “To Gabbi, the best friend a girl could ever have.”

  She smiles and we down the shot. My balance is suddenly off. Gabbi notices and steers me to the back yard. She
guides me to a table where my friend, Sasha from my first period class is sitting.

  I turn to Gabbi and ask, “Hey, aren’t you going to sit down?”

  Gabbi shakes her head, “Not yet, I’ll be right back. Just sit there and get your bearings for a minute.”

  Sasha starts in about Jack as soon as Gabbi walks away, “What’s up with you and the new guy, Jack?” I shrug my shoulders.

  “Are you dating him? Why is he never in school?” This seems to sober me up.

  I glare at her and tell her, “I. don’t. know.”

  Her banter makes me get up to find Gabbi. I decide I need her. I find her in the kitchen cleaning up. As I walk in, I check my watch, eleven forty-five. My head is starting to pound and my heart is skipping around with nervousness. Only fifteen minutes until twelve. I grab Gabbi’s hand and tell her to come with me while dragging her toward the front door.

  She stops me as I reach for the handle and tells me laughing, “Ever, those two shots were way too much, weren’t they? You’re going the wrong way. The party is in the other direction.”

  I shake my head, “No Gabbi, I need you to come with me into the front yard. We’ll come right back.”

  She shrugs her shoulders and lets me pull her out the door. We sit on the bench swing. I look at my watch, eleven fifty-five.

  Gabbi says, “Alright Ever, I have tried to keep some distance this past month, you have to let me know what is going on. Your moods go up and down, and this thing with Jack. I didn’t want to upset you but, where is he? It’s your eighteenth birthday, he should be here.”

  I am numb at this point.

  I admit, “Gabbi I can’t tell you everything. I am so sorry. I know I have been such a bad friend.”

  She shakes her head and I say curtly, “Let me finish. I just need you to sit right here for me… if you will. I have to do something and I just need your support right now.”

  She nods uneasily and says, “Okay, whatever you need.”

  I love my best friend and I owe her so much. I stand up and walk down the steps out into the front yard. I check my watch, twelve o’clock on the dot. I stare up at the moon and notice it is full, yellow and beautiful.

  I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and whisper quietly, “I choose the sea, I choose Jack.”