Paper Girl

by Cindy R. Wilson

  “Everything okay?” I asked when she frowned.

  “Just Mae. She was asking if you were with me.”

  “Oh.” I frowned. “What for?”

  “I don’t know.”

  I took her hand, trying to ignore the twist of worry in my gut. “Let’s keep doing our tour. I’ll show you my favorite spot to sit.”

  …

  We spent more than an hour in the library, scanning all the books, sitting in the children’s pavilion where my mom would read to the kids. Once my stomach started grumbling, Zoe insisted we go back to her apartment for dinner instead of eating somewhere outside of the house.

  “Unless you have to go home,” she said.

  I shook my head. Even if I were living with my dad, which I wasn’t, I was right where I wanted to be for the moment.

  We rode the elevator up and stepped inside. After removing our shoes, we walked into the kitchen. Zoe’s mom had written a note on the counter about going out for dinner, which left us alone in the huge apartment.

  “We have subs left over from lunch,” she said, leaning into the refrigerator. “Or I could make something. Spaghetti? Anything you want.”

  “Subs are fine.”

  She turned around, body backlit by the refrigerator. “Are you sure? Because I could make something. Or we could order something. What sounds good to you?”

  “Subs are fine,” I repeated. “You don’t have to go out of your way.”

  She turned away, pulling the sandwiches out of the refrigerator. When she went for another cupboard, probably to grab plates, I caught her hand.

  “What’s wrong?”

  She shook her head, forcing a smile in my direction even though I could see the tears in her eyes.

  “Please, stop for a minute. Come sit down and talk to me.”

  “Aren’t you hungry?”

  “Come talk to me.”

  She followed me to the couch in the living room, with only the low light of a lamp to guide us. Outside the bank of windows, the sun was setting, and I could already see a few stars and the full moon.

  When she tried to walk past me on the couch, I pulled her into my lap. Her breath caught, and her arms came around my neck.

  “I know you’re worried for me,” I said, realizing how many times today I’d brushed off her concern.

  “Why won’t you let me do anything to help?”

  “Because it’s not your problem.”

  She frowned. “Neither is my anxiety. I mean, it’s not your problem.”

  I sighed, not wanting to see her point. “That’s different.”

  “No, it’s not.”

  “Who’s being stubborn now?”

  To my surprise, she reached out to touch my cheek, meeting my eyes. “I’m not being stubborn. I said—I said I care about you, and…I meant it.”

  My humor vanished. She was right. She meant it. I could see it in her eyes. I could see everything. Worry, fear, hope, longing. All I wanted in that moment was to be near her. To forget about the world and pretend there was nothing weighing us down.

  I closed my lips over hers, letting my hands slide down to her waist. She shifted in my lap to straddle my legs, and I let out a groan, surprised at her boldness.

  “Zoe.”

  “What?” she whispered, easing back. “Did I hurt you?”

  “No. I don’t want you…”

  “You don’t want me?”

  I choked on a laugh. “No, I absolutely want you. I don’t want you to feel like I expect anything is all.”

  She swallowed, her cheeks reddening. “I don’t expect anything, and I don’t feel like you do, either. I just…I’ve missed out on so much, Jackson. I’m afraid I’m going to run out of chances before I’m brave enough to try everything I want to do.”

  My chest moved up and down in a few deep breaths, trying to sort through her words. “Zoe…”

  She pressed her hands over her face. “God, this is embarrassing. I didn’t mean that. I meant—I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m really sorry.”

  She moved as if to get up, but I held her in place. “Don’t apologize. Let’s just…don’t think. Don’t assume. Don’t worry.”

  I pulled her hands away again and kissed her before she could even take a breath. I’d let her set the pace, I’d let her do what she wanted, and I’d show her that I’d respect whatever or wherever we ended up.

  Her tongue touched mine tentatively, and my hands squeezed her hips. She felt like a feather, so light I could barely tell she was there except for her mouth against mine, her soft breaths tickling my cheeks, and her hands making their way up my chest.

  Her name was on my lips. I slid my fingers under the hem of her shirt, touching bare skin. I froze when her breath stalled in her throat.

  With her mouth still fused to mine, she ran her hands under my T-shirt, and it was all I could do to sit still. Zoe was the bravest person I knew, and she was bringing me to my knees.

  The elevator dinged, startling both of us. Zoe was off me faster than I could blink. She stood in a rush, starting in the direction of the elevator as we heard her family’s voices. I ran a hand over my face as I walked to the kitchen, and patted my hair to make sure it looked normal. Then I yanked down the front hem of my shirt to cover the effect Zoe had on me.

  “We got back about ten minutes ago,” Zoe was saying as they all joined me in the kitchen. “We’re going to eat your subs from lunch.”

  Yoko smiled when she saw me, but it didn’t have her usual pep. “Of course. Jackson, I can fix something else if you want. You don’t have to have a sandwich.”

  She sounded just like Zoe. Zoe, who stood in the doorway to the kitchen, her cheeks flushed, wringing her hands.

  I gave her a wry smile and focused on the sandwiches. But after a moment, with Yoko still staring at me, I looked up.

  “Everything okay?”

  Yoko fidgeted, also like Zoe, and Mr. King shrugged out of his jacket. “We want you to know you’re welcome over here any time.”

  I swallowed, gripping the edge of the counter. Uh oh…did they suspect something just happened between me and Zoe? “I know that. I appreciate it.”

  Zoe’s mouth hung open, but nothing came out. I didn’t have to look hard to see the apology in her eyes.

  Yoko stepped forward, looking first at the sandwiches, and then me. “Jackson, if you need somewhere to stay…”

  The meaning behind her words slammed into me, killing my appetite. I turned to Zoe. “You told them?”

  Mae’s eyes were wide, but she only watched the exchange silently.

  Zoe wrung her hands in front of her. “Jackson—”

  “We’re concerned about you,” Yoko said. “We want you to be safe.”

  I had a bad taste in my mouth, and my heart beat hard, blood rushing in my ears. Zoe had told them about my dad, which meant they’d figure out I was homeless eventually. Were the Kings going to tell social services?

  “Why don’t we sit down and talk this through.” Mr. King turned, as if to go for the kitchen table. “We’ll figure this out.”

  “I can’t,” I said, panic gripping me. “I should go. It—I should check on my dad.”

  A lie. But what else was I supposed to say? I couldn’t be here anymore. I had to get out.

  “Jackson,” Zoe said, following me to the elevator. “Please don’t go.”

  I shoved my feet into my sneakers. “I have to figure this out.”

  “I know. I can help. My parents understand—”

  “I can’t believe you told them.”

  Her face was stricken, tears threatening to spill over. “I’m worried about you. Please don’t go.”

  “Worried about me?”

  “Yes. Why won’t you let me help?”

  I choked on a painful laugh. “Let you help? What about you? I’ve been trying to help you, too. You’re perfectly fine listening to me online, but in person, you’re the exact same way. You don’t want any help.”

/>   “Online? Jackson…” Her cheeks paled. “What do you mean?”

  “Rogue,” I said, my voice sinking low. But the moment the word was out of my mouth, I felt a twinge in my stomach. Especially when her mouth dropped open. But she’d hurt me, and she was trying to tell me what to do, so I powered on. “You’re Rogue, from Chess Challenge. I know because I’m BlackKNIGHT. I’ve known for a while.”

  She jerked in a sharp breath, and then shook her head, like she didn’t believe I was telling the truth. “How long?”

  “Who cares?” I asked, tying my laces. “It sucks to believe in someone and have them not be who you really thought they were.”

  Hurt flashed in her eyes, but I turned to the elevator.

  “Jackson, wait—” Her voice came out choked. “BlackKNIGHT—he said he was homeless.”

  I froze, realization zooming through me. Now she knew everything. The whole truth—and the real reason I never went home. “It’s not like that—I mean, you can’t—”

  “Please don’t go,” she whispered. “You can stay here. Or call Robert. You don’t have anywhere to go.”

  “I’ll be fine,” I said. “Just…ask your parents not to say anything. It’s not a problem. I’m almost eighteen. It’s not—not a big deal.”

  “They won’t say anything. I promise. Please, stay.”

  I couldn’t. I was worried about the future. I could be in trouble. I might have to go home, or else deal with the consequences. Consequences meant a foster home most likely, or staying with my dad until I was eighteen and could be emancipated. Consequences meant everyone else would know what had gone on, too.

  I pressed the elevator button and got in the moment the doors opened. Zoe watched with tears in her eyes until the elevator shut and I couldn’t see her anymore.

  52.

  Rogue2015: I haven’t heard from you for a while. Everything okay?

  Rogue2015: I discovered a new chess move. I’ll try it on you when we start another match.

  Rogue2015: Okay, so…good night.

  53.

  ZOE

  Gina sat across from me at the kitchen table. Mom insisted we eat muffins during our session. She’d been feeding me a lot since Jackson left two days ago. When in doubt, feed your children. Pretty sure that was her motto.

  It wasn’t helping. I picked at my muffin. I understood why Jackson was worried; I just didn’t know why he wouldn’t talk to me about it. It’s not like he was going to get in trouble because of what his dad had done—or for leaving his dad’s house.

  Then my cheeks flamed. Besides, he wasn’t the only one who’d had secrets revealed. As Rogue, I’d told him everything. I’d even told him about this boy I like and how I was coming across like some kind of stalker. He had to know it was him. I’d sounded like such an idiot.

  “Your mom said you passed your math test. Ninety-eight percent.”

  I nodded.

  “That’s great. Congratulations.”

  “I hate math.”

  She laughed. “Okay.”

  “Sorry. I’m tired.”

  I hadn’t slept at all last night. I kept checking my phone to see if Jackson had called or texted. I was supposed to take him to the museum tonight, and I had no idea where he was.

  “You want to talk about it?” Gina asked.

  Did I? Yes and no. My heart hurt for Jackson. For once I wasn’t thinking about how scary it was to leave the apartment. I was thinking about how hard it was for Jackson to deal with this, without knowing what was going to happen to him. And part of me…just a small part, was angry for the lies he’d told.

  “I don’t…” I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”

  “What about school? Your mom said she stopped by the school—”

  “What?” I dropped muffin crumbs on my plate. “What for?”

  “She had to at least go in and talk to them in case you decided to enroll this fall. Which I think you should.”

  My stomach clenched. Now, after everything that had happened, school seemed like such a huge step. Normally I’d talk to BK about it. Or even Jackson. But then…I had no idea when I’d see him again.

  I straightened. Maybe this was a sign that I needed to start dealing with things alone. The thought made a jolt of fear shoot straight to my belly. But alone was good, right? Alone was…independent.

  The house was quiet. Mae was at cheerleading practice, Dad at work, and Mom making another YouTube video about the perfect hostess gift. There was comfort in the silence. But I kind of missed the noise, the people. At school, out there, I’d have noise. I’d have new adventures like both my mom and Jackson had said.

  Gina smiled. “These are really good muffins.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “Mom’s good with muffins.”

  She dusted her hands together and pushed the plate aside. “Seriously, I think you’re ready for this. You’ve built up momentum. You’re coping with things. You’re dealing. You’re taking steps, and that’s great progress. If you keep this up, the world is yours.”

  The world is yours.

  It sounded like something Jackson would say. And dammit, I had to stop thinking about him! This was one of those things Dr. Edwards would tell me to let go. Right now, there was nothing I could do, and making myself sick because of it wasn’t going to fix the problem.

  “Stick to the plan,” Gina said. “Whatever you were planning on doing, do it. Stick to it. Even if life tries to set you back.”

  “You sound more like a motivational speaker than a therapist.”

  “Kind of the same thing, right? I’m here to encourage you to move on from things. To work through things. To find your place and hold on tight to it because this won’t be the first or the last time life tries to knock you on your ass.”

  “You’re right.”

  My throat grew thick with emotion. The tickets I’d bought for the art exhibit were in my pocket, and I thought about not using them and what it would mean. I’d miss out. If I didn’t start school, I might not do it at all. And I’d miss out.

  And graduation…it would kill Mae if I didn’t go.

  Everything with Jackson had made me realize how much I needed my life to change. But not for everyone else. For me.

  …

  The first planet hurt. As I removed it from the ceiling, my heart physically ached. I’d spent months and months folding and cutting and planning my solar system.

  But it was time to let it go. It was time for something new.

  I’d let my paper room become my reason for living, my comfort. At first, it helped. But now…it seemed like it was stopping me from moving on.

  So I pulled planet after planet apart, stuffing the paper into trash bags. I sniffled by the time I reached the third bag, and sat at my computer.

  Right about now I’d message BK and have a conversation that would calm me down and make me feel better. Or I’d text Jackson, and he’d make me feel better.

  I curled my fist around a stray piece of paper, crushing it. They were the same person. Whichever one I got in touch with, the other would know.

  Just like the paper wall, Jackson/BlackKNIGHT had become my safety net. With new determination, I stood and ripped more paper off the wall. Then off the ceiling. I threw it on the floor and yanked another piece down.

  Jackson had lied to me, which meant BlackKNIGHT had lied to me, and I was still trying to do what everyone else wanted. I tossed Saturn toward the trash bags and went after Jupiter. No more. I needed to live my life for myself.

  It took six large black trash bags to get rid of the entire universe. Jupiter was gone. Cassiopeia had vanished. There was no trace of the asteroid belt I’d started only last week, or my favorite dwarf planet, Pluto. All gone.

  All I could do was stand and stare at the bare, white wall.

  I heard Mae’s gasp before I saw her in the doorway of the study.

  “You took it down,” she said.

  I did. I did it, and part of me didn’t regret it.
/>   Mae walked into the room, eyeing the bags on the floor, all filled with paper. “Why?”

  I shrugged. “I needed new scenery.”

  “Did you just do that to make something new?”

  Did I? I glanced at all my unused pieces of paper. Every color of the rainbow. My fingers itched to get my hands on them, to create a whole new world in my room. Something that made me happy. I’d considered Paris.

  But then I’d shot down the idea.

  Mae folded her arms, still standing directly in the doorway. “I thought you were going to school.”

  “I don’t know,” I said, still staring at the wall. “I’m figuring it out.”

  “But Mom said she went in to talk to them. You can start in the fall.”

  “I like being homeschooled,” I said. It was true, I did like it. But it wasn’t a substitute for all the things I wanted to do.

  “Liar.”

  “Mae.”

  “I don’t think you do. I think you’re scared. Especially without Jackson.”

  My gaze whipped to hers.

  Her eyes went soft. “I’m sorry about what happened. I think Jackson just needs some time. But you can’t wait for him to do everything you want to do.”

  “Who said I wanted to go to school?”

  “You did! When we talked last week, you said you wanted to go to school, even if it was scary. Guess what? It is scary. For all of us. So what? Deal with it!”

  Tears filled my eyes. “You don’t understand.”

  “I don’t. Just like you don’t understand all the things I’m dealing with, either. But you can’t hide in here with your paper all the time. And Mom’s letting you!” She stared at the paper stand, shaking her head. “She got you all this paper—almost like she wants you to stay in here.”

  “That’s not how it is.”

  “It isn’t?”

  “She just…she feels bad.”

  Mae walked to me, lips pressed in a firm line. “You can’t stay in here every day.”

  “I’m not—”

  “You are. You were doing good. You were trying…”

  “I am trying.”

  Mae grabbed a handful of papers. I reached out, trying to take them gently from her.

  “Be careful—”