Autumn's Light

by Aurora Rey

  Perhaps off wasn’t the right word. She had no qualms about the time they spent together. It was fun and easy and the sex was hands down the best she’d ever had. It was more like there might be something missing. A depth in their connection. Mat artfully kept things light. And while Graham didn’t have a burning desire to make them heavy, she couldn’t help but feel like she was being held at arm’s length from Mat’s heart.

  It was one thing to be patient. It was another thing entirely to be in some elaborate dance of evasion. And as time passed, it felt more and more elaborate, and more and more evasive.

  Graham decided it was time to do something about it. She chose a night when they’d gone to bed early. Even after the crazy good sex, she felt awake and alert. Trying to keep it casual, Graham draped an arm over Mat’s chest and rested her chin on it. “Are you going to tell me what’s bugging you or am I going to have to guess?”

  Mat frowned. “What makes you think something’s wrong?”

  “You’ve been distracted the last couple of weeks. You have something on your mind and you’re not very good at hiding it.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Graham took a deep breath, telling herself to be patient, but also to persist. “Don’t apologize. Talk to me.”

  Mat shook her head. “I’ve been thinking about all the reasons I don’t do relationships.”

  Graham lifted her head, searched Mat’s eyes for a hint of where she might be going with this. “Okay.”

  “And we seem to be creeping into relationship territory, if we aren’t already there.”

  Graham willed herself to ask the question she wasn’t sure she wanted the answer to. “And that makes you uncomfortable?”

  Mat rolled away from Graham and sat up. Graham followed suit, only she hugged her knees to her chest while Mat remained cross-legged. “It’s just that all the reasons I don’t are still there. And they feel like a ticking time bomb.”

  Part of Graham wanted to offer reassurance, to say they didn’t need to be in any more of a relationship than Mat wanted. But it would be lying. She did want a relationship. Hell, she was pretty close to wanting a forever. Now might not be the time to say so, but she’d be damned if she was going to pretend her feelings didn’t exist. “Can you give me some specifics? It might be easier if we’re on the same page.”

  Mat sighed. Graham could see the tension in her body. “When I was nineteen, I was accused of rape.”

  Graham swallowed and tried to tamp down the instinctive response her brain, and her body, had to that word. “What happened?”

  Mat stared at her hands for a moment, then looked at Graham. “Statutory rape. I should clarify.”

  The air rushed from Graham’s lungs. “Yes, definitely a difference there. Will you tell me about it?”

  “Her name was Lindsay and she was seventeen. Her family was in Truro for the summer. We fell in love the way two inexperienced teenagers tend to do. Emotionally intense. She’d kissed boys, but it was the first time either of us had sex. And of course we thought it was forever.”

  Graham imagined a teenage Mat, full of passion and fire. “But the summer ended.”

  “Yeah. She’d actually graduated high school a year early and was supposed to start college. She tried to tell her parents she was going to take a gap year and work. They saw through that pretty quick and had no intention of leaving their precious daughter with some working-class townie.”

  “I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been.” Graham meant it. But at the same time, she couldn’t imagine how the experience would have soured Mat on relationships forever.

  “It sucked. In retrospect, they probably wouldn’t have attempted legal action. At the time, the threat did more than enough damage.”

  “That’s a tough way to have your heart broken the first time.”

  Mat shook her head again. “I probably should have expected her to buckle, but I didn’t. She said it was to protect me. In retrospect, she might have meant it.”

  Graham reached over and squeezed her knee. “I’m sure it didn’t feel like it at the time.”

  Mat let out a soft chuckle. “It didn’t. The worst part, though, was my family.”

  “What do you mean?” A little voice in her head told Graham this was the crux of the matter, the part that had spilled over and stayed with her still.

  “I wasn’t out to them at the time.”

  “And this blowing up was how they found out?”

  “Yeah.” Mat took a deep breath. “My family is very traditional and very Catholic.”

  Graham had wondered vaguely sometimes about the unusual mix of the Provincetown community—the descendants of Portuguese fishermen and the waves of artists and queer people that came later. She’d never detected visible strife, but it seemed like there might be more coexistence than true community.

  “I can see what you’re thinking. Yes, they live in one of the gayest places in the world. And they’re pretty cool with it as long as it’s not in the family. You can imagine how horrifying it was for my parents to learn not only that they had a gay daughter, but that the news might be splashed all over the police blotter.”

  Graham had tried never to take her parents’ support for granted. But she’d also never really thought about what it might be like if they weren’t. “So what happened?”

  “She left and that was the end of it. My mother made it clear both she and my father were disappointed in me. It took years for things with them to get back to normal.”

  Far more than the broken heart, that did a lot more to explain Mat’s reticence when it came to relationships. “But they did get better? You seem so close to them now.”

  “My family is the most important thing to me. They’re not perfect by any means, but they’re family and that runs deep.” Mat stretched her arms, then laced her fingers behind her head before letting her hands fall back to her lap. “They’re also my livelihood.”

  “Right.” Mat might own her own boat, but she relied on the family business to sell her catch. Alienating herself from them would have a negative impact on every aspect of her life. “So where does that leave you?”

  “I keep everything separate. I mean, I love my family, but not enough to be celibate.”

  The pieces finally clicked into place. It wasn’t that Mat didn’t want to be in a relationship, it was that being in one meant her worlds would collide. Having a girlfriend, much less a wife, meant bringing her home to meet the family. Graham thought back to the day Dom had surreptitiously invited her to a family gathering. Even though Mat played it cool, tension had radiated from her.

  “What? I can see your wheels turning.”

  Graham shook her head. “I was just thinking about the day I met your family. They were so nice to me.”

  Mat thought back to that day as well, including the fact it never would have happened if she’d had any say in the matter. “You managed to win my father over. He loved that you talked shop with him, that you knew your stuff.” She chuckled. “And that you let him be right about a couple of things.”

  Graham smiled. “He’s funny, and really smart.” The smile turned into a frown. “Does that mean your mom didn’t like me?”

  “It—” Mat hesitated. Her mother, usually so forthcoming with opinions about everything from Mat’s clothes to the going market price of lobster, had been unusually quiet. Her gut told her it wasn’t praise she was withholding. “I don’t know about my mother.”

  “So that means you haven’t talked to her about us. Like at all.” Graham’s shoulders hunched further and she looked more defeated than disappointed.

  “It’s not you. I don’t talk to either one of them about women. At all. That’s the whole point.”

  Graham looked directly at Mat. There was sadness in her eyes, but also something else. Pity, maybe? “How can you say you’re really close to them if you keep such a large part of yourself hidden?”

  Mat bristled at the insinuation. “Are you telling me you tal
k to your parents about sex?”

  Graham rolled her eyes. “Not actual sex, but relationships. Yeah.”

  “And let me guess. They were super duper supportive when you came out?” Mat cringed at the bitterness in her voice.

  “They were. I know I’m lucky in that sense. And I get that you weren’t.” Graham sighed. “I’m trying to make you feel better, not worse.”

  “I appreciate the gesture.” Really, she did. “But I know my family and I know what they can handle. I have a system that works. Trust me.”

  Graham nodded. “Okay.”

  Her voice was small and it made Mat feel like garbage. “Look, I like being with you. A lot. I can’t remember the last time I dated someone exclusively. I don’t want to change that. But that’s all I can give.” She swallowed. “You have to decide if that’s enough.”

  Graham nodded again, with a little more energy this time. “Okay.”

  “Okay?”

  “Okay, I understand how you feel, where you’re coming from.” Graham took a deep breath. It felt to Mat like resignation. “I need to think about it and decide if it’s enough.”

  The small knot of discomfort in Mat’s gut grew. She didn’t want to lose Graham from her life. But at the same time, she knew her limits. She might come with some baggage, but she was honest. She went out of her way to make sure she never strung a woman along. That had always worked in her favor. At this moment, though, she wasn’t so sure. She felt a strong drive to escape, but since they were at her place, there was nowhere for her to go. “It’s late. We should get some sleep.”

  “Yeah.” Graham scooted down the bed and extended her legs.

  Mat turned and did the same. She pulled the blankets up and over them. “I hope you’re not mad.”

  “I’m not.” Graham’s voice was flat.

  “Disappointed, then.” She was no stranger to disappointing people.

  Graham once again rolled toward her. “I’m really not. A little sad, maybe, but mostly for you. That’s a really hard thing to go through, as a teenager no less. And it seems like you’re still paying for it.”

  Mat looked at her. She didn’t want Graham to be angry, but she would have known how to deal with it. Disappointment, too. Those things sucked, but in some ways they made it easier for Mat to maintain the distance she so desperately needed. This was harder. Not pity—she wouldn’t tolerate that ever—but something gentler. She shook her head. “I’m fine.”

  Graham’s smile in return was reassuring, but Mat sensed sadness behind it. “You are.”

  Mat grinned, more than ready to end this conversation. “Actually, huddled in with you in my bed makes me a lot more than fine.”

  The smile became more genuine. “I’ll give you that.”

  Thank God. “Can I turn off the light now?”

  Mat expected a snarky comeback, but none came. Instead, Graham took another deep breath and let it out in a whoosh. “Please.”

  Mat switched off the lamp and lay on her back. “Come here.”

  Graham came up close, planted a kiss on her lips, then curled into the crook of her shoulder. “Good night.”

  “Night.” Mat kissed the top of her head and gave her a light squeeze.

  Eventually, Graham’s breathing slowed to the even rhythm of sleep. Mat continued to turn their conversation over in her mind. She allowed herself to imagine what it would be like to be her brothers, bringing home girlfriends that became wives. She’d not given much thought to children, but the idea of having a family, of having her kids running around their grandparents’ house on holidays came into focus. She could envision it with striking clarity and, for the first time maybe ever, wanted it. And the woman who scooped up those children, the one who sat next to her at the table and held her hand as her father said grace over the meal, was Graham.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  After telling Graham about her past, Mat was plagued by strange dreams. They left her with an inexplicable combination of unease and certainty. Graham didn’t press her to talk further the next morning, and she was grateful. She was also grateful that Graham had plans with her roommate for some kind of girls’ night. She needed some space.

  But as much as she wanted the time alone, Mat found herself restless and irritated by eight p.m.

  She decided to go out. She hadn’t been out since the night she and Graham first hooked up. Not cruising, necessarily, but she desperately needed a change of scenery. Something—anything—to distract her.

  An hour later, Mat stood at the bar, trying to decide if she wanted to see a familiar face or hoped she didn’t. She offered the bartender a distracted nod. “Can I get a vodka soda?”

  “On the house if you tell me where you’ve been hiding the last couple of months.”

  Mat blinked a few times as the comment registered. She gave the woman her full attention. “Brooke. Christ. My brain was a million miles away. How the hell are you?”

  Brooke gave her a sly smile. “I’m good, better now that you’re here. I’d started to worry about you.”

  Mat grazed her hand over the back of her neck. “It hasn’t been that long.”

  “I think it has.” Brooke finished pouring her drink, then added two wedges of lime the way Mat liked it. She waved off the money Mat pulled from her wallet. “I meant it. It’s good to see you.”

  Mat had hooked up with Brooke once a few summers prior. The sex had been good, but they’d come to a mutual understanding they were better suited as friends. They didn’t hang out often, but Mat spent more than one slow night nursing a drink and chatting with her about anything and everything under the sun. “It’s good to see you, too.”

  “So,” Brooke said in lieu of a question. But before Mat could respond, a couple of women came up to the bar.

  Mat used the interruption to formulate her thoughts. She didn’t want to lie about the time she’d been spending with Graham, but she also didn’t want it to seem like she’d been put out to pasture. Mat cringed at the phrase, and all the implications that came along with it. Brooke returned and looked at her expectantly.

  “I’ve kind of been seeing this girl.” God. Could she sound more ridiculous? Even with the way things were, Mat was glad Graham wasn’t there to hear her pathetic explanation.

  Brooke’s sculpted eyebrow arched. “Really? Do tell.”

  “We met here, actually.” Given the time she and Graham had spent together—in bed as well as out—it felt strange to think they’d met in a bar. Like so many of her past hookups, and yet so very different.

  Brooke’s eyes got huge. “Here? Is she a regular? A seasonal?”

  “Resident, but only the last year or so. Pretty sure she’s not a regular here.” Although, with the exception of having not seen her before, Mat had no real basis to make such a claim.

  Another couple came up to the bar. Brooke huffed audibly before moving away to take their orders. Mat chuckled. She couldn’t remember the last time she was the subject of any kind of juicy gossip. On second thought, she could. It had been a long time ago, and not a time she hoped to repeat. Brooke returned as quickly as she left. She gestured at Mat. “And?”

  “And what?” She’d come out specifically to avoid thinking or talking about Graham. She wasn’t going to volunteer more information than she had to.

  “And is it over? Is that why you’re here, cruising?”

  Mat bristled, although she couldn’t put her finger on what exactly irritated her the most. She decided to go with the most obvious. “I’m not cruising.”

  It came out more belligerently that she’d intended. Brooke lifted both hands defensively. “Hey, now. I didn’t mean it as an insult.”

  Mat shook her head. It wasn’t Brooke’s fault she was in such a pissy mood. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to bite your head off.”

  More people came in. Brooke groaned this time. “Hold that thought. I’ll be right back.”

  Mat used the second reprieve to get a grip. When Brooke returned, Mat was smiling. “Like
I said, sorry for being an ass. It’s a weird situation. I’m not entirely sure what it is or what I’m doing. Which is why I’m here. Looking for a night of not thinking about it.”

  “Okay.” Brooke nodded in a way that said she had a million and a half questions, but knew better than to ask them.

  “Thanks. What’s new with you?”

  Brooke’s smile went all the way to her hazel eyes. “I’ve been seeing someone, too.”

  “Yeah?” Mat braced herself for the inevitable gushing. She didn’t begrudge Brooke being happy, or having a girlfriend for that matter, but did everyone in her life have to pair up and settle down at the same time?

  “Her name is Audrey. She’s a chef.”

  Mat shook her head. Unbelievable. “At Osteria 160?”

  Brooke narrowed her eyes. “You know her?”

  Mat nodded and let out a sigh. “I recently got her to sign with us as an exclusive supplier.”

  Brooke’s face took on a look of horror. “She’s not who you’ve been seeing, is she?”

  “No, no,” Mat said quickly.

  She remained skeptical. “Have you slept with her, like before?”

  Mat had never been so glad not to have slept with someone. “Just friends, I swear.”

  Brooke laughed, but Mat thought there might be an edge to it. That was one of the problems with living in such a small town, even one as gay as Provincetown. Everyone knew everyone else and, when it came to sex and dating, cross-pollination was inevitable. After a moment, Brooke rolled her shoulders and tipped her head from side to side, as though shaking off unpleasant thoughts. “My turn to be sorry. I know it’s technically none of my business.”

  “Yeah, but I appreciate the weirdness factor.”

  Brooke laughed again, and this time seemed to relax. “I’m sure it happens to you all the time.”