by Aurora Rey
“Mattie.” Her father’s face was stern.
Ma laced her fingers together and rested them on the table. “When we found out you were gay, I admit I didn’t take it well.”
Mat snorted, but after a sharp look from her father, didn’t say anything.
“It was a difficult way to find out, with those horrible people yelling and threatening to have you arrested.”
Mat was unable to contain herself this time. “You didn’t even stand up for me.”
Ma shook her head. “That girl’s father was a fancy Boston lawyer. We knew better than to cross him.”
Mat shook her own head. “You never said so. You made me feel like a pariah.”
“As you should have. You got yourself into that mess and betrayed us and brought shame on the family.”
And there it was. In the end, it always came back to that. “I was scared and heartbroken and you didn’t even care.”
“You were willful and angry and needed a reminder so you wouldn’t make the same mistake again.” There was something in her voice. Sadness, maybe, but no regret. It turned Mat’s stomach.
“You wanted me to suffer.” In some ways, that felt worse than being left to fend for herself.
“A little suffering in life isn’t bad. God tests us to make us stronger.” She lifted her chin, certainty returning to her voice.
“I don’t even know what to say to that.” So much of her life, her relationship with her parents, suddenly made no sense.
Pop pointed at her. “You don’t say anything to it. You understand that your parents did what they did to protect you, as is their duty. You don’t question it just because you don’t like it after the fact.”
The pain of that time, of her parents’ disapproval, came roaring back to life. With it, a brand-new sense of betrayal. “But you lied to me.”
Her mother slapped her hand to the table, making the dishes rattle. “We did not lie. Coddling you, telling you everything was fine—that would have been a lie. We did what we thought was best.”
Mat pressed her fingers to her forehead. “I have to go.”
“Matilde Beatriz, you will not storm out in the middle of a meal because you’re mad at your mother.” Pop used his most authoritative voice, the one that had effectively coerced or cajoled Mat for the better part of thirty-five years. For the first time in as long as she could remember, it didn’t work.
“I sure as hell will. I can’t believe I’ve spent so much of my life listening to you, playing along to your version of what it should look like.”
Ma’s jaw hardened, but Mat could see tears in her eyes. “You’re overreacting.”
“Oh, no.” Mat stood from the table. “I’m clearly not reacting enough. That changes now.”
Without another word, Mat left the kitchen. She walked through the living room, stopping just long enough to put on her jacket. She walked out of her parents’ house and she didn’t look back.
Chapter Twenty-six
It was a mere two weeks before Thanksgiving, Graham’s absolute favorite holiday of the year, but she couldn’t quite muster the energy to feel festive. Things with Mat seemed to be stuck in some kind of limbo and she didn’t know how to get them moving again. She’d been so confident they were getting closer, had broken down the walls that Mat held around her heart. And then boom. For the last few days, Mat had turned weird and distant. She wouldn’t say why, or what was bothering her. But she also didn’t push Graham away, like she was angry or upset with her. It left Graham feeling adrift, and seriously questioning her own judgment.
Mat had begged off seeing her that day, claiming plans with her family. Not that Graham expected to spend every day they both had free together, but something about it seemed off. She gave in to her longing for clarity and texted Dom. Whatever plans Mat had didn’t include the extended family and he offered to get together and chat. Graham pounced on it, thinking there probably wasn’t anyone who could provide better insight into the way Mat’s mind worked.
Dom was at the place where they stored and repaired their traps. Instead of having him break up his day for her, Graham offered to meet him there. She could bring him some coffee as a thank you and she’d get to see a part of their work she hadn’t before.
She stopped at the Portuguese Bakery and picked up some malasadas along with the coffee. She was pretty sure Dom had a sweet tooth and, at this point, she could use some comfort carbs of her own. She drove over to the trap yard with the directions Dom had given her. It sat just outside of town, down a narrow street and a gravel driveway. She followed the path alongside the small building to the fenced in yard out back.
Graham found Dom bent over a trap, tying knots in rope with a look of fierce concentration on his face. Her heart swelled a little at the sight. He was such a sweet guy. It wouldn’t be hard to think of him as a brother. “I come bearing snacks.”
Dom looked up and smiled that easygoing smile he had. “You’re my hero.”
She handed him one of the coffees and the bag of pastries. “You’re easy.”
He winked at her. “I get that a lot.”
Graham smiled in spite of the anxiety she’d been toting around for days. “That’s not what I hear.”
Dom rolled his eyes. “You’ve been spending too much time with Mat.”
“Have I?”
Dom must have read the tension in her voice because he frowned. “Are you worried you’re spending too much time together or too little?”
“It’s not the amount of time that’s worrying me.”
“But something is. I can see it all over your face. And as much as I appreciate the coffee, and the conversation, I don’t imagine you’re here to hang out.”
“Being with Mat, waiting for her to come around. Am I crazy?” No point in beating around the bush, and she had been asking that question more and more. The handful of friends she’d confided in—Will and Jess, to be exact—seemed split on the matter. Not unlike her own feelings.
“No.” Dom’s reply was immediate and emphatic.
“Don’t say that just to be nice. You know Mat better than anyone. I want your honest opinion.”
He finished knotting the rope in his hand and looked her in the eye. “It is my honest opinion. First, because you’re smart and hopeful. Optimism gets way too much flack these days.”
Graham chuckled. “And second?”
“I believe in my heart Mat is in love with you.”
Graham’s stomach lurched, part in joy and part in knowing that if it didn’t come from Mat—eventually—it wouldn’t do her any good. “I really want to believe you.”
“You should. I do know Mat better than pretty much anyone.”
Graham looked down at her hands. “She told me about Lindsay.”
Dom reached over and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “That’s a good thing. It’s not a story she tells lightly, and never to women she’s dating.”
“But she told me specifically as a way of explaining why she doesn’t do relationships.”
“And how did you respond?”
“I told her it sounded like a really hard thing to go through at that age.” Graham debated telling him the rest, but figured she had nothing to lose. “She told me what she could offer and said I had to decide if it was enough.”
“Is it?”
“No.” That much she was sure of. “At least not forever. That’s where the wondering if I’m crazy comes in.”
“What did you say to Mat?”
“I told her I’d think about it.”
Dom sighed. “So, what you’re saying is you’re inclined to be patient, but you don’t know if it’ll be worth it in the end.”
Graham sighed, but offered him a smile. “Something like that.”
Dom set down the rope and gave Graham his full attention. “I’m going to let you in on a little secret.”
Graham raised a brow, unsure of whether it was a secret she wanted to know. “What’s that?”
“When it
comes down to it, Mat is a bit of a mama’s boy.”
Graham had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. “What?”
“She has this air of being super tough and independent, but at the end of the day, she lets her parents’ opinion dominate her life.”
“That much I gathered. She pretty much told me she’s not willing to rock the boat.”
Dom shook his head and looked up at the sky. “Yeah, but to hear her tell it, it’s because she doesn’t care enough about relationships or being in love.”
“You don’t think that’s the case?”
Dom looked her right in the eyes. “I think she’s terrified.”
Graham let that sink in. Fear was not a word she’d ever associate with Mat. If anything, Mat seemed completely confident and willing to take on anything and everything she set her mind to. “I’m not sure I see it.”
“I think a lot of people, especially those with a bad track record in the love department, are hesitant to wade back in, take that risk.”
“I get that.” Graham had gathered as much from her conversation with Mat about what happened when she was younger. “But should teenage heartbreak still have that much impact?”
Dom sighed. “No, it shouldn’t. But she’d be risking her heart as well as the relationship she has with her parents. Or at least that’s how she sees it.”
Graham’s shoulders slumped. “So, I am crazy if I’m holding out hope we’ll ever be something more.”
“No. I stand by what I said. I’ve known Mat my whole life. Other than Renata, there’s no one I’m closer to. And even with Renata, I probably still know Mat better at this point.” His face softened. “She’s never felt what she feels for you.”
“She’s said that?” Would it help if Mat had confided in Dom? At least then she’d know the feelings were there.
“Not exactly, but I can tell.”
Graham winced. “I don’t mean this in a bad way, but that does not make me feel better.”
He came over to where she was standing and threw an arm around her shoulder. “I know it’s hard, but I’m telling you, just be patient. She’ll come around.”
Graham took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. “You’re right. I believe it in my heart. And honestly, I don’t mind being patient. She’s worth the wait.”
Dom flashed a grin. “That’s the spirit.”
“Mama’s boy, huh?” Graham shook her head and chuckled.
Dom shrugged. “I love her to death, but yeah.”
Graham rolled her eyes, but more in amusement than frustration. “I’m not sure if that makes my life easier or harder.”
“I think it depends on how you play your cards, and if you’re in it for the long haul.”
The long haul. That was one way of putting it. It sounded less romantic than madly in love, but those things didn’t have to be mutually exclusive. And she’d meant what she said. Being with Mat was what she wanted more than anything in the world. As long as she had hope, she didn’t mind waiting. “Oh, I’m in it all right. I’m not going anywhere.”
* * *
Mat walked into the trap yard and heard voices. It took only a second to realize they belonged to Dom and Graham. She slowed her pace, not specifically intending to eavesdrop, but wondering what Graham was doing there. And maybe what she and Dom were talking about. She couldn’t really hear, but heard “mama’s boy” and then laughter, followed by Graham saying something about life being harder.
The realization they were talking about her hit Mat like a sucker punch. Worse, they were laughing at her, at her pathetic way of letting her parents dictate her life. She froze, unsure if she should confront them or run the other way. Embarrassment won out over anger and she turned to go, but collided with a stack of traps already pulled in for winter. They clattered to the ground. Shit.
“Mat, is that you?” Graham’s voice sounded light, playful even.
Mat walked quickly, hoping she might make it out of view before either of them came looking.
“Where are you going?” Graham called. Mat turned. Graham looked at her like she’d grown a second head. “We’re over here.”
To Mat’s ear, the teasing tone had an edge. It felt mocking. “I just remembered I have an appointment.”
Graham planted her fists on her hips. “What kind of appointment?”
Dom came up next to her. “Yeah. You’re supposed to be here helping me winterize.”
Something about the two of them standing side by side struck her, and not in a good way. “I’ve got to go.” She started walking again, the desire to escape still winning over the urge to fight.
“Dude, what’s wrong with you?”
The scales tipped and rage bubbled to the surface. “If you’re going to talk shit about me, you could have the decency to do it somewhere besides my trap yard.”
She saw Dom’s shoulders stiffen at her use of “my,” but she didn’t care. He gave her the same look as Graham. “What are you even talking about?”
“Mama’s boy? Feels a little rich, coming from you.”
Graham took a step forward as if to separate them. “He didn’t mean it like that.”
Dom lifted his chin. “Actually, I did. You’ve got this amazing girl who’s completely in love with you and you’re ready to throw it all away because you’re afraid mama won’t like it.”
Mat didn’t think, didn’t say a word. Instead, she lunged at him. She didn’t try to land a punch. Rather, she threw her full weight at him and tried to take him to the ground. He stumbled, but didn’t fall. Even though they’d always been the same height, between the T and his gym habit, he had a good twenty pounds on her and the strength to match. She felt him grab her and couldn’t tell if he was fighting back or trying to push her away.
After some grappling, they did end up on the ground. Her jacket protected her torso, but Mat felt the gravel through her pants. It dug into her skin as they rolled around. She tried to hook a leg over Dom’s. Getting on top would be the only way to best him.
“Stop it!” Graham’s yell got through to Mat’s brain, but it didn’t deter her. She had so much emotion bottled up inside, it was like a pressure valve had finally broken free.
Mat continued to struggle, but Dom was on top of her. It didn’t take long for him to pin her arms. She tried to squirm, but his thighs held hers in place. Defeated, she stilled. She closed her eyes and heaved out a breath. “Get off me.”
“Do you promise not to do that again?”
Defeated and humiliated. Great. “Yeah.”
“Or try to coldcock me?”
Her sigh came out as a growl. “Yeah.”
She felt his weight shift and then he was standing. He reached out a hand. She took it and let him haul her to her feet. “Feel better?” he asked.
Did he have to be so fucking calm? “Not really.”
“Are you out of your mind?” Graham sounded equal parts shocked and angry.
Mat didn’t look at her. “I’m starting to think so.”
“What the hell was that about?” Graham’s voice was calm, but Mat could see she was trembling.
“I don’t want to be a project for you to take on, or a problem for you to solve.”
Graham shook her head. “That’s not how I think about you.” She sniffed. “Or us.”
Mat looked into her eyes and saw a mixture of hurt and confusion. “You say that, and I even think you believe it. But I know better.”
Graham’s posture changed. Her spine straightened and she lifted her chin. “You’re going to stand there and tell me what I think, how I feel?”
“I know how this works, Graham. You’ve got it in your head that I’m some sad little puppy you can save.”
“I don’t—”
Mat didn’t let her finish. “I know you don’t think you do, but it’s all over your face. I can see it every time I look at you. I can’t give you what you want. And I know with absolute certainty that I will disappoint you.” She sighed. “Hell, I a
lready have.”
“That is the most arrogant, pig-headed thing I’ve ever heard. I’m disappointed all right.” Graham shook her head again. “I’m disappointed that you think so little of me.”
“It’s not like that. I know you, Graham. I know girls like you. You’re just going to end up hurt.”
“You’re a fool. You hurt me the moment you presume you know what’s best for me, the second you take it upon yourself to decide for me what I need, what I can and can’t handle.” Without waiting for a response, Graham turned on her heel and walked away. She didn’t look back.
Mat was left standing in the trap yard with Dom. Both of their clothes were dirty from the tussle on the ground. She offered him a sheepish smile. “Well, that sucked.”
“Uh, yeah.”
She looked at him. “I’m right, though, aren’t I? She’s trying to save me and I’ll just end up pulling her down.”
“Do you enjoy playing the martyr or is it just old habit?” Despite wrestling with her on the ground a moment before, Dom’s tone was kind.
“What are you talking about? That’s not what’s happening.”
“No? Are you so horrible and undeserving of love?”
Her stomach twisted at his words. “Dude, that makes me sound pathetic. Don’t be so dramatic.”
Dom shrugged. “I’m just calling it like I see it. Graham’s in love with you. You, exactly the way you are. But you’ve got your head so far up your ass you’re going to throw it away.”
He left the same way Graham had. Mat stood there, feeling more alone than she ever had. Indignation faded, leaving her with lingering doubt. Doubt that she’d done the right thing, doubt that she could ever be what Graham truly wanted, doubt that she even knew what she wanted for herself.
She shook her head. Self-pity would only make matters worse. Since she was at the yard, and there was plenty to do, she got to work. Starting with the pile of traps she’d knocked over in her attempt to avoid everything that had just gone down.
