The Friends We Keep

by Jane Green

  When she told him the whole story, including why she had to keep it a secret, he stopped walking and looked at her, his sunny smile now gone, his tone muted and he had a look in his eye Evvie had never seen before, one that looked suspiciously like distrust.

  “I still don’t understand why you couldn’t tell me. I understand why you kept it from Maggie, but . . . I’m your son. You knew I wanted to know who my dad was.” Evvie’s eyes were red and puffy as she acknowledged what he was saying.

  “I’m so sorry. It seems so obvious now that I did the wrong thing, but at the time I didn’t want to hurt Maggie. It all felt so complicated and there was no way to tell you without you wanting to get in touch with him, and then . . . then everything would have been different. I thought I would be enough for you. I know how selfish that seems now, but I thought I was doing the right thing.”

  “Maggie didn’t need to find out.” Jack’s voice sounded like a child’s. “You could have told my father and we could have had, I don’t know, a secret relationship.”

  “It doesn’t work like that, Jack. Marriage doesn’t work like that. I understand that I deprived everyone by keeping the secret. I deprived you of a father and Ben of a son. I have no idea what would have happened if I had told him. I always thought he and Maggie had the perfect marriage, but it seems they didn’t. Maybe it would have split them up, and maybe that wouldn’t have been such a bad thing. At the time I always thought I couldn’t be responsible for that. But now . . .” She trailed off again, not knowing what the right thing to have done would be, before tears sprang into her eyes again.

  “I didn’t want to share you with anyone. Oh, Jack, I am so sorry for fucking up so badly. My heart cracked open the day you were born, and everything I’ve done has been for you, and even though I’ve made mistakes, it was never to harm you, it was to protect you. I didn’t want you torn between me and your father. I didn’t want the stresses and problems. I didn’t want you to feel that. I thought I loved you enough to fill the hole of not having a father. I thought I could provide everything you needed.”

  Jack stopped walking and turned to her. “You did, Mom. You were always there for me, and you always supported me. I knew what was going on when you were married to Lance and you always protected me. I guess I have sadness more than anything. Especially when I think back to those years. I hated how scared you were, and I wish I’d had a dad to guide me, or advise me. Even Maggie. I know she was your best friend in college, and I get it. But I wish I’d had the choice. I wish I’d been able to choose to have them in my life, even though I totally understand why you did what you did. It’s just . . . I guess I feel betrayed. I always told myself that you probably didn’t even know his last name, because if you did, you would have tracked him down and told him, and I could have had a father. I thought you would have done that for me.”

  Evvie wiped a tear away from her cheek. “I made a mistake. A huge one, and I wish I could go back and do things differently. I am so sorry.”

  “I’m going to go inside and get a soda. Do you want anything?”

  Evvie shook her head, knowing that he needed to be alone, that this was his way of saying he needed a few minutes to breathe, to figure this out. She tried to take a deep breath but she had no idea what she’d done, or what the consequences would be.

  When Jack came back twenty minutes later, he was putting his phone in his pocket. He walked over slowly and sat down next to her, looking at his hands.

  “I love you, Mom, but I don’t know what to do with this news. I think I need some space to try and figure this out.”

  “Are you furious with me? Do you hate me?”

  “I could never hate you, but I’m . . .” He struggled to find the word. “Disappointed. I feel betrayed and I don’t know how to get over that. I can’t be with you right now.”

  Evvie wanted to let out a howl of pain, but she couldn’t. She nodded, leaking tears. “Can I drive you somewhere? Where will you go?”

  “I don’t know,” he said. “I’ve called an Uber. I’ll have it take me back to the house to get my stuff, and then I’ll . . .” He stood up, still not looking at her. “I’ll call you when I’m ready.”

  Evvie watched him walk away until she couldn’t see through the tears anymore. She had spent the last few months terrified of losing Maggie, never dreaming that she might lose her son. And as he disappeared, her heart cracked open all over again.

  forty-seven

  - 2019 -

  Topher placed a cup of tea on the table in front of the sofa, looking at Maggie with concern.

  “Thank God you didn’t hit your head,” he said. “Those flagstones don’t look very forgiving. I put some whiskey in the tea. It’s more of a hot toddy than a cup of tea, but I figured the whiskey would help with the shock.”

  “Did you know?” Maggie looked at Topher.

  “My God, no! I was as stunned as you were. He got out of the car and I just stared at him. I had no idea. I guess this explains why none of us had ever seen pictures of him.” Topher shook his head. “I don’t know what to even think.”

  “I want to see her,” Maggie said. “I want to know everything.”

  “She hasn’t come back. Do you want me to text her?”

  Maggie shook her head. “I’ll do it myself. Can you pass me my phone?”

  We need to talk, she typed. I’d like you to come . . . Maggie hesitated. She was going to write home, but that would be wrong, given what she now knew. This couldn’t be Evvie’s home anymore. She finished typing, to the house, watching as the three dots appeared on the screen and Evvie said she was on her way.

  While they were waiting, a car pulled up outside. Topher went out to meet it, and then returned to the house to get a suitcase, which he carried outside. Maggie realized the boy . . . that boy, must be taking his bag and himself somewhere. But she couldn’t think about that now.

  Topher waited with Maggie until they heard Evvie walking up the gravel drive. After she had assured him she would be fine, he headed upstairs to give them some privacy.

  Maggie sat up and watched Evvie walk in, as if she were watching a stranger. She thought she knew her so well, and yet it turned out she didn’t know her at all.

  “He’s Ben’s, isn’t he.” It was a statement, her voice too defeated to ask the question. “He’s obviously Ben’s, but I need to hear it from you.”

  Evvie nodded. “He is.”

  “How could you?” Maggie said after a pause, her voice cracking with bitterness. “You were supposed to be my best friend. How could you betray me like that? You bloody well slept with my husband, and you had his child! By rights, that’s not even supposed to be your son. That’s supposed to be my son!”

  “I know.” Evvie blinked away tears as a silence fell.

  “Did Ben know about him?”

  “No! He suspected, when Jack was born, but I fudged the dates and he believed me.”

  “He never saw him then.”

  “No. I was careful to keep everyone who knew Ben away from Jack.”

  “What on earth were you thinking, moving in here?” Maggie’s voice rose in anger. “We’re living together in my home, and all the time you had a son fathered by my husband. It’s unbelievable.” She let out a bitter laugh. “You didn’t think it was inevitable that we’d meet at some point?”

  “I know. It was selfish. It was stupid. On some level I think I must have wanted to be found out, but . . .” She shook her head. “I don’t even know if that’s true. I tried not to think about Jack. I just missed you. I missed you, and Topher, and I was lonely. Before the reunion it felt like there was nothing to look forward to. When we all saw each other again and started talking about living together, it sounded so amazing that I stopped thinking straight. I thought I could manage it, with Jack being so far away.”

  “How long were you having an affair with my husband?”
Maggie said.

  “It wasn’t an affair. It wasn’t like that.”

  “What was it like?”

  Evvie sighed. “Can I get myself a drink first?”

  “I’ll have another one as well.” Maggie downed the last of her hot toddy and took the teacup to the bar, this time not bothering with the tea, pouring a large slug of whiskey, and ignoring Evvie, standing behind her. Let Evvie make her own bloody drink.

  “So.” Maggie sat down again. “What was it like then?”

  “It wasn’t anything, Maggie. I know that’s hard to believe. Remember when I stayed in town that week after graduation? That’s when it first happened. I didn’t plan anything. I didn’t even like Ben, let alone fancy him, but I ran into him while he was doing some kind of scavenger hunt. Honestly, I don’t even remember the details, but kissing me was somehow part of the prize. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that’s what it was meant to be. Just a kiss for a photo. But then . . .”

  “I remember,” Maggie said. “I called you dutifully from the South of France every day, and you were never there, and you never returned my calls. That was the beginning of you slipping away from me. Now I know why.”

  “I felt so guilty,” said Evvie. “I didn’t know how I was going to face you again.”

  “Now I know why you were so hard to see or even talk to on the phone,” said Maggie. “Keep going. So you holed up with him in your luxury hotel for a week.”

  “He would go out with friends and come over later, usually. When he was pretty drunk.”

  “Now that’s a scenario I recognize,” Maggie said bitterly. “He usually couldn’t help himself when it came to drinking. What was your excuse?”

  Evvie shook her head. “I didn’t have one. I figured it was a weeklong fling, I was leaving for New York, and no one would ever know.”

  “Thank you for your loyalty.” The sarcasm dripped from Maggie’s lips.

  “Maggie, at that point, he wasn’t yours. Sure, you’d had something with him, but he didn’t belong to you. He didn’t belong to anyone.”

  “If that had been it, maybe I’d agree with you, but clearly that wasn’t it. What happened when you left?”

  “I got to New York and got on with my life, until I discovered I was pregnant. I phoned Ben after I had scheduled an abortion, and he . . .” She stopped. She didn’t want to tell Maggie, but she didn’t want to live with any more lies. “He asked if I would keep it. He said he could come to New York, or I could come to London, and we could make a go of it.”

  There was silence from Maggie, but her eyes started to well up.

  “That would never have happened,” Evvie burst out. “It was totally unrealistic.”

  “He wanted you first,” Maggie whispered.

  “He didn’t. I mean, he may have, but it wasn’t real. It was a week.”

  “So then what? Twenty-one years ago you decided you couldn’t avoid him anymore and you had to have some fun with him one last time?” spat Maggie.

  “He was in New York for a night. You told him to get in touch with me. He did. I didn’t mean for anything to happen but we had a few drinks, of course, and . . . it happened. We slept together. I’m so sorry, Maggie. I regretted it instantly, and it was a one-time thing.”

  “I don’t believe you. Tell me the truth. How many times?”

  “I swear to you, Maggie, this time I am telling you everything. It was just that night, just once.”

  “I suppose you’re going to tell me it meant nothing?” said Maggie.

  Evvie shook her head. She had spent years thinking about that night, remembering how it felt to be with the only man she thought she had ever loved, a man she’d built up in her head as the perfect man, a man she only recently discovered she didn’t know at all.

  “No,” she said. “It meant everything. I hadn’t seen you in years, and I’d spent those years having disastrous romances with the same addicts and alcoholics over and over again. They followed a pattern, which is no surprise, given my father’s history. As ridiculous as this sounds given what I now know, I held Ben up as the beacon of goodness; he was the one man who I thought wasn’t abusive. He could have been the one man to make me happy. And yet, Maggie, you need to know this, despite that, I regretted it and I felt sick that he was married to you. I would be lying if I said it meant nothing.”

  “If this was such a big love affair, why didn’t he leave me? He could have done. We were desperately trying for children at the time, and I couldn’t get pregnant. It would have been easy for him to leave, especially given that you were the one who was able to bear his child.”

  “First of all, Maggie, he loved you. I’m not saying he didn’t have feelings for me, but it’s clear to me now that I was telling myself I felt more than I did. I clearly didn’t even know him. He was probably telling himself he felt more than he did, too, especially if as you say you were struggling to have children at that time. All we really had between us was chemistry, that was all. And chemistry is never enough for a lasting relationship. As for Jack, he never knew about him. And, Maggie, whatever he may have thought he felt about me, it didn’t detract from how he felt about you. I’m not sure either of us could have lived with hurting you. We both loved you too much for that. I honestly don’t think I could ever have had a relationship with him knowing he was yours. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She paused and took a breath. “Seeing him that time was closure for both of us. I never saw him again.”

  Evvie closed her eyes. “And I thought I couldn’t see you again either. I couldn’t look you in the eye, knowing what I had done. I am so, so sorry, Maggie. I know you won’t ever be able to forgive me, even though I hope by some miracle you might be able to in time. I never ever meant to hurt you.”

  Maggie said nothing, staring down at the ground for a long time. When she reached for her teacup, Evvie saw that she was shaking as much as Evvie was. And Evvie waited. She had never known Maggie to shout, to get angry, but if ever there were a time when anger would be justified, this would be it.

  Maggie downed the rest of her whiskey and looked over at Evvie. “I don’t know what to say,” she whispered, her voice small. “What a betrayal, Evvie. What a huge, awful betrayal. I believe everything you said about not wanting to hurt me, and yet here I am. Devastated.”

  “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” There was nothing else Evvie could say.

  “Please stop saying that. If you never meant to hurt me, you would not have slept with my husband. I can just about get my head around your perfect week after we graduated, but I don’t understand how you let it happen again when you knew he was married, and not just married, but married to me.” Maggie let out another bitter laugh before her eyes started to glisten. “You had his baby, and you never told him. I don’t know which is worse. Do you have any idea how much he wanted a son? What he would have given to have had a son? Maybe he would have got sober if he’d known about his son.” She gave a short, humorless snort. “God knows he couldn’t do it for me.”

  “You’re right about everything,” Evvie said. “I can leave. If you want me to leave, I can go upstairs and pack right now.” Even as she said it, she felt a mild panic. England may have once been her home, but without this house as her refuge, where was she supposed to go?

  “I don’t know what I want,” said Maggie. “But I think you should leave. I can’t have you here. Not now.”

  Evvie stood up, turning to go upstairs and pack.

  “And there’s one more thing,” Maggie said. “I want to meet your son. Ben’s son. Properly. I want to talk to him.”

  Upstairs, Evvie started to shake uncontrollably. Without warning, a sob escaped, until her entire body was racked with heaving sobs. She opened her mouth in a howl of pain, but no sound came out, and it was a long time until she could do anything other than lie on the bed, arms wrapped tightly around herself, rocking back and fort
h in a silent scream of pain.

  forty-eight

  - 2019 -

  Maggie had been feeling numb for the past two hours, as if she were trapped in a surreal movie, a nightmare that she wanted to wake up from, but there was no escaping it. Topher came down and tried to comfort her, but right now, she didn’t want to talk to anyone, other than this version of Ben, the Ben she fell in love with all those years ago.

  Topher left with Evvie, piling her suitcases into the car. She caught sight of his face, and he looked ineffably sad as he and Evvie loaded the car, Evvie’s face puffy from crying. Maggie watched dispassionately. Good. She was glad there was a consequence for her betrayal.

  The doorbell rang, and Maggie opened the door, her breath taken away yet again by this young man’s face, the image of her late husband before she fell out of love with him, when she still thought that life held every possibility, that they would create a perfect family.

  Maggie couldn’t take her eyes off him as she led him in, not knowing what she wanted to say to him, only that she needed to get to know him.

  “Where did you go?” she asked, unable to tear her gaze away, marveling at his face, his hairline, that widow’s peak she never thought she’d see again. She drank him in as he crouched down, stroking Scout.

  Jack looked up at her question. “To a pub in the village. I needed a stiff drink.”

  Alarm bells went off immediately. “Is . . . I hope you don’t think this presumptuous to ask, but are you a drinker? I mean, is alcohol your thing?”

  Jack laughed. “Sadly, no. I’m known as the guy you don’t want at your party. I’d like to be able to drink but it doesn’t agree with me. I had a beer at the pub, which was pretty awful. It was warm.”

  “Ah yes.” She laughed with relief. “That’s how we drink them here.

  “You must be in shock,” she said. “The last thing you must have expected when you arrived was such a dramatic reaction.”