The Friends We Keep

by Jane Green

But now it was all threatened. Maggie had kicked Evvie out, and now what would happen? Would he even be able to stay here? Wouldn’t Maggie sell the house now? If he could talk to her about her future plans, he would, but she had retreated, like a wounded bird.

  He suspected she might be annoyed with him because he was refusing to take sides. Of course Evvie did a terrible thing, but Topher was an adult and well aware that people fucked up, they made mistakes. Even though Evvie may have done a terrible thing in having a dalliance with Ben, he couldn’t hate her for it, couldn’t cut her off. He always suspected Evvie felt more strongly about Ben than she was letting on; he saw the chemistry between them at the wedding. Not that it would have made a difference; it was at Ben and Maggie’s wedding, for God’s sake.

  So here he was, living this idyllic life in the heart of the English countryside, with his favorite people in the world, about to do a landscape design course that would hopefully qualify him to turn this newfound passion into a business. And he had such wonderful plans for the garden here, to turn it into a showpiece. And now it looked like it was all coming to an end.

  Fuck it, he thought an hour ago. He wasn’t going to sit around and cry over something he had no control over. Maybe he’d still do the garden here anyway. Who knows, maybe they’d all leave this house but Maggie would let him do the garden, as a kind of thank-you, a showpiece for the business he hoped to soon have.

  He had absolutely no control over what Maggie or Evvie was feeling, or what they were planning to do. But he did have control over his own actions, and he did have control over the garden. Maggie had said that he could do whatever he wanted, and there was no time like the present to get started, before she changed her mind. And if nothing else, it would take his mind off the shit show that had gone down inside the house with the appearance of Jack.

  He smiled when he thought of Jack, despite himself. It was the most bizarre thing imaginable, seeing this facsimile of Ben. He had never known Ben well, but because of Maggie’s crush in college, Ben had always been a part of Topher’s story, and would have remained so, even if Maggie hadn’t ended up marrying him. There was something kind of awful and lovely about this surprise reemergence of a part of their past, even though Jack, clearly, was less Maggie’s past and more her future, perhaps.

  Maybe, he thought. And then he decided not to think about it at all.

  * * *

  • • •

  It was almost dusk when Maggie came outside. Topher had measured the beds and sprayed them with fluorescent paint, just to check they were in the right place. When he was happy with the placement, he staked the corners with bamboo sticks and string, constantly stepping back to check, amazed how his vision came together so quickly.

  He had dug out two beds by the time Maggie strode across the garden. The Barbour was on the ground, as was his cashmere sweater, and his shirt was not only filthy, but wet with sweat. He hadn’t done this sort of physical labor since . . . well, possibly not ever. It felt great in an exhausting sort of way.

  “What the . . . ?” Maggie stood in the garden, her mouth agape, as Topher put the shovel down and pushed his hair off his face, leaving another muddy mark on his forehead.

  “What are you doing, Bob the Builder? What on earth is going on out here?”

  “I’m building a potager.”

  “Now?”

  “There’s no time like the present. I’m thinking of a perennial white border, and then herbs in the beds.”

  “And you’re planning on doing this all by yourself.”

  “Not really.” He grimaced, leaning on the shovel. “I was planning on just marking it out and paying gardeners to do the actual labor, but then I got carried away. Are you okay, Maggie? Do you want to talk? I’ve been trying to pin you down for days but I feel like you’re avoiding me.”

  “I’m not avoiding you. That’s not true, I am avoiding you but don’t take it personally. I’m not ready to talk about this with anyone just yet. There’s too much going on in my head. I need to let it all settle down a bit.”

  “Have you heard from Evvie?”

  “No! And I don’t expect to. I’ve spoken to Jack though. A few times. Apparently she’s staying in a B and B, and he’s couch surfing. I have no interest in speaking to Evvie right now.”

  “I understand. Listen, if you want me to move out, I can . . .”

  “Oh, Topher. I’m sorry. I know none of this is going the way we all expected. I don’t know what I want right now, and I have no idea what to do. I’ve decided to take a little break from it all. I’m running away for a few nights to Lucknam Park. I just need a change of scenery.”

  “Do you want company?”

  “No. Thank you. I feel like I’m suffocating a bit with the weight of all this knowledge. I need some peace and quiet. And I need to get away from this house, and all my memories of Ben here. I’ve booked a few spa treatments and plan on going on lots of long, solitary hikes. I feel like the quiet will help, and I need to be on my own.”

  “Oh, Maggie. I’m so sorry. You know I had no idea about Jack. You do believe me, don’t you?”

  “Of course I believe you. But that boy. Man. It’s just so confusing. It’s like having a piece of Ben back. I don’t know what to do about that either.”

  “I know. It’s weird, and awful, and amazing, all at the same time. The similarities are uncanny. I can’t imagine what this is like for you.”

  Maggie let out a deep sigh. “As strange as this may sound, I think I needed this. I was so full of resentment against Ben, and then the guilt when he died. We had been miserable for so long, and I was so angry, and sad, and guilty at not being able to stop him drinking.” She paused. “I did tell you about his drinking, didn’t I?”

  “You did.”

  “I’m sorry. I am so used to keeping the secret, I can’t even remember who I’ve told. I felt like when he died, all I was left with were miserable memories. But seeing Jack has brought back some of the good memories. Not just university, but the early days of our relationship. This makes no sense to me, but as horrific as this whole situation has been, there’s also some healing going on for me. Wherever this leads, the only thing I’m certain of is that this is righting some of the wrongs in my relationship with Ben, at least in terms of memory.”

  “Then I’m glad. And I’m happy you’re getting away for some alone time. I would give you a hug but I think I’d get you filthy.” Topher gestured down at himself as Maggie leaned over and planted a kiss on his cheek.

  “Thank you for understanding. I’ll be back on Thursday. Take care of the house, and Scout.” She blew him a kiss and disappeared as Topher picked up the gardening tools and started to put them away.

  fifty

  - 2019 -

  Topher and Jack moved the sofa to the window as Evvie stepped back and considered it, before nodding.

  “Thank you. You were right, Topher, that’s where it should go.” She wished she could feel better about this small apartment, but it felt like she was taking more steps backward than she would ever have wished. She didn’t want to be living on her own again, didn’t want to be working part-time in the pub downstairs to subsidize her rent. Didn’t want to have this strained, difficult relationship with her only son.

  But she had no choice. This was her penance, and as such, she accepted it, even as she prayed it wouldn’t last. She had felt devastated ever since Jack showed up, ever since she was kicked out of the house.

  Every morning she woke up with a small unsettled feeling in her stomach, quickly followed by a wave of grief as she thought about all that she had lost. There were plenty of days when she didn’t want to get up and face the world, wanted to bury herself and hide from the pain, but she couldn’t. She had a job, and a semblance of a life. However hard it was to push the pain aside, she didn’t have a choice.

  Evvie hadn’t seen Jack. She had texted him r
egularly, and sometimes he texted back. She believed he would forgive her, because the alternative was not something she could contemplate.

  And today, he was here, helping her move into her new apartment above the pub. It was the first time she had seen him since he arrived, and she couldn’t stop looking at him, wanting to hug him tight but taking it slowly, tiptoeing around him, knowing he had to come to her in his own time.

  “That’s it.” Jack set down the last of the boxes and looked around. “No more boxes.”

  “That can’t be it.” Topher frowned, remembering how many boxes Evvie had when she moved in to Maggie’s. “Where’s the rest of it?”

  “I’m only bringing the bare essentials. Look at this place. I couldn’t fit all the stuff.” She didn’t add that she only signed a lease for six months, by which time she was hoping that Maggie would have forgiven her, and she might be able to move back.

  She had tried to talk to Maggie a number of times, but Maggie wasn’t interested. She responded to Evvie’s texts, but said she wasn’t ready, or there was nothing to talk about.

  So Evvie had taken a job in a pub in Bruton, which came with its own small flat above. The flat was poky, and dark, with old green carpets and one small window overlooking the pub garden, but Evvie was allowed to paint the burgundy walls white, and throw away the old carpet, revealing wooden floorboards, which brightened it up somewhat.

  Topher, with Jack, helped get it ready before moving her in today. There was so much work to do that there was no time for any serious talks, which was good, thought Evvie, who wanted to plead for forgiveness, but couldn’t push.

  The three of them unpacked the boxes, arranged the sofa, and set up the bookshelves she had found at the local Oxfam store. Evvie was desperate for Jack to stay, but he had hardly looked at her.

  “How about dinner?” she said brightly when everything was done. “My treat. We could go downstairs to the pub. They do an excellent burger.” The last was said for Jack’s benefit.

  “I should go,” Jack said, shuffling toward the door. “I’ve got . . . things to do.”

  “I’ll walk you out.” Evvie managed to keep the desperation out of her voice as she walked him down the old, narrow staircase.

  “Jack,” she said, when they were outside on the pavement. “Please, can we talk? We can’t let things stay like this.” She knew she shouldn’t be pushing him but the pain was unbearable. She couldn’t help herself.

  Jack looked at the ground with a sigh. “I’m seeing you, Mom. Isn’t that enough? I came here today, even though I’m still not ready. I still need more time.”

  “I understand that, Jack. Or at least, I’m trying to. But I’m your mother. You have to forgive me. I can’t stand this tension between us.”

  “You should have thought of that before.”

  Evvie snapped, her pain breaking through her patience. “I should have, you’re right. You’re absolutely right, but I did the best I could do and I thought I was doing the right thing. I’ve always tried to do the right thing by you, Jack. Always. Have I been a bad mother? Haven’t I always made sure you’ve had everything you’ve needed? And not just materially. I’ve always been there for you. Do I wish I had done things differently regarding your father? Of course. But I can’t go backward, so we have to find a way to move forward. I don’t even know when you’re leaving. At least tell me what your plans are so I can see you before you go.”

  Jack stuck his hands in his pockets and looked up at the sky. “I was thinking about staying for a bit.”

  “What do you mean, staying? Where? How?”

  There was a pause before Jack spoke. “Maggie said I could stay at the house for a bit.”

  Evvie stared at him. “Why would she do that?”

  “Because she wants me to know about my family. I want to know about my family. I have a grandfather who I’ve spoken to on the phone, and he’s coming down from Scotland to meet me. I have an aunt, and cousins. This is the family I could have had all my life, if you hadn’t made the decision to keep them from me.”

  “I’m your family, too, Jack,” said Evvie wearily. “I’m the one who has always been there for you.”

  “You created this,” Jack said, before sighing. “Look, I have to go.” He turned to leave.

  “Jack!” she called out, but he didn’t stop walking, and she burst into tears.

  Upstairs, Topher tried to comfort her. “He’s a young man who’s had a big shock. You can understand why he’s upset with you.”

  Evvie’s sobs had diminished to occasional hiccups. “Of course, but how long is he going to feel like this? And now he’s moving in with you guys? I feel like Maggie’s stealing my son to get back at me.”

  “That’s not what’s happening,” Topher reassured. “I know that’s what it looks like, but she’s just offering to give him the father, the family, he didn’t know. You are always going to be his mother, Evvie. No one can ever replace you. And he loves you. He just needs to get over this, and he needs to find out where he comes from.”

  “You don’t think Maggie’s trying to replace me?” She looked up at him with red, puffy eyes.

  “Come on, Evvie. This is Maggie. She isn’t vindictive. She’s a nurturer. She’s trying to take care of her husband’s son. She’s entranced by him, and who can blame her? Not only have you raised a great kid, he’s the image of Ben. I can’t blame her for wanting to do stuff for him. I think she probably does feel maternal toward him, but she’s not his mother. She’s very clear about that. And however he’s acting now, it’s because he’s in pain. He still loves you. You’re his mother.”

  Whatever unease Evvie felt, she recognized this as being part of her penance, and she let out a deep sigh. At least she and Jack were in the same county; at least she had a chance to keep asking for forgiveness, to rebuild their relationship.

  She nodded. “I guess you’re right. As hard as it is, there’s nothing I can do, is there?”

  Topher sank onto the sofa. “I don’t think there is. Not just yet. But give this time. Who knows what will happen? In the meantime, are you sure you’re going to be okay here?” He looked around at the dim room. “This is pretty shitty. Not where you expected to end up when you flew over here.” He looked at her expression, then winced. “I’m sorry, let me rephrase that. This flat is fine, and it’s better than the Airbnb, but . . .” He sighed. “I miss you. The house feels empty without you. I love having Jack around but this whole thing is weird.”

  Evvie sat down next to him. “Do you think you might be able to work on Maggie? Do you think you might be able to get her to forgive me?”

  “I’m trying. I think we may have to let her get there by herself. You know how Maggie retreats when she’s hurt. If it helps, I do feel she’ll get over it. I don’t think this will be forever. And Jack showed up today, which is a start. He’ll come around.”

  Evvie leaned her head on his shoulder. “I hope you’re right.”

  fifty-one

  - 2019 -

  Maggie still couldn’t quite believe that Jack was staying with her. She didn’t know whether or not to ask, knowing how much it would hurt Evvie, but how could she not take this boy in? He couldn’t stay couch surfing, whatever that was, and God knows she had the room.

  Ben’s father and Jack had long chats on FaceTime, and he was coming down next week to meet him, overjoyed at having a long-lost grandson. Ben’s older sister, whom Maggie never got on with particularly well, had invited Jack to come and stay and meet his two cousins.

  And every minute that Jack spent under this roof, he plied Maggie for stories about his father, delighted at the things he found in common, vintage cars for one, awed at the classic Austin-Healey that was in the garage, Ben’s pride and joy, which Maggie had never got around to selling.

  Maggie was cooking him all the food that Ben loved: roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, chicke
n Kiev, toad-in-the-hole. Good English comfort food, most of which Jack never had in his life.

  She watched him now over the rim of her wineglass as he ate, eating all the vegetables first, just like Ben used to do, saving the best for last. She was aware she was smiling as she watched, embarrassed when she looked over to see Topher watching her.

  “Stop staring at him,” he said. “You’ll make the poor boy uncomfortable.”

  “Don’t worry about me,” said Jack, his mouth full. “I’m getting used to it.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I must seem so creepy. I’ll try to stop. So what are your plans, Jack? How long do you think you’re staying?”

  “Do you need me to leave?”

  “No! The opposite. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you want. I’m just wondering what you’ll do.”

  “I was just texting with a friend in New York yesterday, and he’s introducing me to someone who lives over here and needs some consulting work, so hopefully I’ll be working soon enough.”

  “Your dad would have been proud. He loved his gadgets, although I don’t know if he would have figured out how to use social media properly.”

  “It’s not complicated.”

  “Snapchat is complicated,” said Topher pointedly. “I have no idea how it works and I’ve tried. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

  Jack laughed. “My mom always said the same . . .” He trailed off, embarrassed at having brought his mother up. “Sorry.” He shot a look at Maggie. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

  “I’m not uncomfortable,” Maggie said gently, for she wasn’t. “How is your mum? Have you seen her since she moved in?”

  “Briefly. I’m not sure I know how to get over this and make things normal between us again. Look, she’s my mom, and I love her. I guess I’m still shocked that she was capable of this kind of deceit. I know I’ll get over it, but I don’t know when.”

  “Jack.” Maggie shot Topher a worried look. “I know you must be devastated, and I understand why. God knows I feel betrayed as well, but . . . none of us is infallible. We are all human and we all make mistakes.”