The Ideal

by L. P. Maxa

  I’d known the Deacon boys for most of my life. I’d met them when I was six, Nate was seven but we were in the same class. Jeremy had been nine, and too older brother cool to hang out with us. I’d loved them both from the moment we met. I’d been in love with one of them forever. For years I’d fought it, I’d begged and pleaded with my stubborn heart. It’d be so much easier on everyone if it was Nate who gave me butterflies. Unfortunately, for all of us, it had always been Jeremy. He was easy going, quick to laugh, innately kind, and so incredibly gorgeous.

  Well, they were both hot as all get out. Both brothers had extraordinarily deep brown eyes and dark shaggy hair. Where Nate had hard lines that made him look like a man, Jeremy had this baby face that girls swooned over. When I was younger I used to have this recurring dream: Jeremy would come to my window and wake me with a kiss. He would tell me to pack a bag and that we were running away. That we were going somewhere where we could be together, on an adventure. When I would wake up, I’d cry. I had wanted so badly for it to be true. I kept on crying because the guilt I felt for wanting to run away from Nate was overwhelming.

  I’d never asked to be Nate’s keeper. No one had ever asked if I wanted to be his reason for living: his reason for fighting the darkness.

  Nate wasn’t a sociopath. His parents had taken him to psychiatrists and had him tested and evaluated to be sure. He seemed to fall between lots of different diagnoses. One didn’t fit, but a lot came close. He wasn’t violent toward the people he loved. He was capable of love, and he did love. Nate didn’t understand social norms, like someone with Asperger's, but not. He was socially appropriate with me and his family, and he didn’t display any of the other diagnostic indications. It was more like he was perpetually cranky and had the shortest fuse in the history of the world. He didn’t have any tolerance for…well, anything.

  He hit first and asked questions later. I’m guessing here: not because he wanted to hurt people, but because he didn’t understand them. He had a switch, and it seemed he could flip it on and off at will. He could either care, or not. Portray empathy, or not. As it turned out, he usually opted for not.

  I never asked Nate about his feelings or the way he saw the world. I’d been so young when we met, and I accepted him for exactly who he was. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t question him more as we got older, his whims and moods affected my entire life.

  I had never been on a real date except for one guy my freshman who’d stolen a kiss under the bleachers. Nate punched him in the nose, twice, shattering it. I had a flirty little thing going with a guy from my English Lit class, the only one I didn’t share with Nate. He saw a text from him on my phone while I was in the shower. He’d blocked the guy’s number and the next day the poor kid had a black eye.

  After that, word was out. Don’t look at Savy, don’t talk to Savy. She was off limits, unless you wanted to get a beatdown from Nathan Deacon.

  Now, four years later, I was worn out, my nerves were shot, and I needed a break. Nate was emotionally exhausting. It took everything in me to keep him level, and by now, there was nothing left for me.

  I was elated and terrified of spending the evening in the attic with Jeremy. I’d never been alone with him. Nate was always there. Even when he wasn’t, Jeremy and I had never thought to hang out without him. Probably because neither of us wanted to deal with the inevitable fallout. Nate would never take his anger out on me, but he would punish his brother one way or another.

  “Savannah, honey, Uh, Jeremy is here.” I could hear the question in my mom’s voice as she called up the stairs to my room. Jeremy had been over to my house a hundred times, but never without Nate standing between us.

  “I’m upstairs.” I checked my hair in the mirror and quickly swiped on some lip gloss. I turned in time to see him reach the top of the stairs, his hand resting on the banister. I swear he got better looking every time I saw him. He was turning into a man, filling out, gaining confidence. Plus it seemed that every time he came home, he’d acquired a new tattoo. All through high school, Jeremy was all prep. After being in college, he changed. It seemed he cared less about being the perfect kid.

  I could understand that. I could see where being away from his brother would change him. He didn’t have to run interference for Nate at home and school. Jeremy no longer needed to be the perfect son to make up for all the aggravation Nate caused their parents. As much as I tried to fight it, as potentially dangerous I knew it was, my crush on Jeremy grew with every new encounter.

  I smiled, blinking at the handsome guy standing before me. “Hey, thanks for coming to help. You didn’t have to, but thank you nonetheless.”

  He shrugged like it was no big deal. “I didn’t have any plans tonight, and we both know, if I hadn’t agreed to help you Nathan would have called in sick to work.” He stepped into my bedroom and plopped down on my bed.

  Oh my gosh. Jeremy Deacon was on my bed.

  My fifteen-year-old self was losing her mind right now.

  “How long has Nathan been working at that gym over on Main?”

  I sat next to him, trying to seem unaffected and cool, but probably coming off as nervous and fidgety. “A few months.”

  “That’s just what the world needs, Nathan getting stronger.” Jeremy lifted his arm to make a muscle. “Guess I’ll have to bulk up now too.” He sighed. “Or I’ll never be able to take him.”

  Jeremy was ripped and was strong in his own right, but he wasn’t bulky like Nate. Unfortunately, I understood what Jeremy meant. It was already hard enough to control Nate when his temper flared. The stronger he got, the less likely it was someone would be able to physically pull him back from the brink.

  “He’s been good. Keeping to himself, keeping calm. He’s been going to see Dr. Briggs twice a week.”

  Jeremy snorted and got to his feet. “He hasn’t been keeping to himself. Mom told me what happened at graduation practice. You don’t have to make excuses for him to me. I know my brother.”

  I winced at the memory of what happened. I’d been the voice in Nate’s head for ten years, and trying to downplay his actions was second nature. “That was one time, other than that he’s been doing really well.” I could hear the defensiveness in my tone, and I didn’t even know why I bothered.

  Someone had cracked a joke about Nate making it to graduation without having to be committed. Nate overheard. I had been all the way across the bleachers, and before I could get to him Nate had the guy pinned against a wall. Luckily, Nate hadn’t hit him, so he didn’t get expelled.

  It was a miracle Nate was never kicked out of school for good. He’d been suspended a few times, and he’d been in detention so often they should’ve named the room after him. For the most part, he made sure to keep most of his violence off of school grounds. It helped that we lived in a small town. Everyone felt sorry for the Deacon boys for losing their father so young. It was as if the whole damn world gave Nate an excuse to misbehave while giving him a wide berth, and used me as foam batting on his rough edges.

  “Come on.” Jeremy held his hand out to me. Surprised, I took it and let him help me to my feet. He’d never touched me on purpose before. My heart went into hyper drive. “Savannah Nightingale, you are a saint and Nathan’s lucky to have you.”

  I dropped his hand like it was on fire and walked past him toward the entrance to the attic. His comment irritated me. I didn’t need any pity hand holds from my best friend’s older brother, no matter how long I’d been dreaming of the day he would do it.

  “Nate doesn’t have me. It’s everyone else who’s lucky, right? As long as I’m around no one has to worry about him.”

  I didn’t know what made me say that. Maybe because for the first time, in a really long time, I was alone with another human being. My parents and Nate’s mom never saw anything wrong with us being joined at the hip. Somewhere along the way, everyone had made a tacit agreement that I was Nate’s buffer and shield.

  They never saw that I was drowning.
/>   “Savy, I didn’t mean—”

  I shook my head, forcing my irritation down deep where it belonged, where it’d lived for years festering. “It’s fine.” I reached up and pulled the long white rope, bringing the attic ladder down. I climbed up and turned on the light, then sat down in front of a stack of boxes my dad had put aside a few weeks ago.

  The first one I opened had nothing but old bedsheets I didn’t even recognize. “Ew. Why would I want to take these with me to school? Who wants to sleep on someone else’s sheets?” I used my foot to shove that box to the side, making it the start of the donate pile.

  Jeremy climbed up, crossing the space hunched over so he didn’t hit his head on the low beams to sit next to me. He knocked his shoulder into mine, even that brief contact made me giddy. Two touches in one day. I was going to combust.

  He opened the box in front of him. “Books. Looks like a box of really old dusty books.”

  I smiled and traced my fingers over the spine of a bound hard copy. “The Great Gatsby. One of my favorites. Keep.”

  Jeremy raised an eyebrow. “You already read this one. Why keep it?”

  I laughed. “I already read all the books in that box. I like to keep the things that speak to me, and all those books mean something different. Different but equally as special.”

  Kind of like the Deacon Brothers. Nathan wasn’t easy to love, but that didn’t mean I’d ever stop.

  Jeremy nodded and picked up the heavy box, moving it closer to the door. “Savy?”

  “Yeah?” I was digging through a small box full of pictures. They were of my parents and me mostly, with a few of Jeremy and Nathan mixed in.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  I held out the photo in my hand, one of their parents with mine, it was taken a few months before his dad passed away. A few months before my whole life had been turned upside down. “Of course.”

  He took the picture and sat down next to me, smiling, tracing his thumb over his dad’s handsome face. I knew he missed his father like crazy, they both did, and with good reason. Mr. Deacon was one of the good ones. “Do you want Nathan to go to Emerson with you next year?”

  I closed up the box and pushed it further into the attic. I didn’t want all those pictures, but they sure as hell didn’t need to get thrown away either. “No.”

  I opened the next box, which was full of stuffed animals. I kicked it toward the giveaway pile, the sound of it sliding across the floor grating my ears. I turned and looked at Jeremy, really let myself look at him. Which was not something I usually let myself do in case someone saw me swoon. Holy crap, he was gorgeous, and no lie, I might embarrass myself in public.

  His eyes held nothing but curiosity. He wasn’t afraid of my answer, he wasn’t terrified that I’d say no and he’d be left to deal with the fallout. That made me want to keep talking, to tell him everything I’d been feeling. It felt like he was lending me his quiet strength, which gave me what I needed to speak my reality.

  “Do you want to know the truth?”

  He swallowed, his gaze still on mine, unwavering. “Yeah.”

  I felt my eyes fill with tears, and I dug my nails into my palms trying to keep them at bay. “I need a break, Jer.” One tear escaped, and I wiped it away quickly. “I love Nate, you know I do, but I’m so tired of being his compass. His warden. I’m so tired of making sure he doesn’t get into fights or mouth off to a teacher. Going away to school without Nate is going to be so scary, but I need this. I’m ready for it. I want to go to parties. I want to date. I want to get into trouble. Not spend all my time keeping Nate out of it.”

  More tears spilled free. Before I could wipe them away, Jeremy reached up and brushed them off my face with the back his knuckles. He left his hand on my cheek, the warmth from his touch seeping down into my tired soul.

  “You deserve that Savy. You deserve that and more.” His thumb kept wiping at my seemingly never-ending tears. “I always assumed you were okay. I assumed that you were happy with being Nathan’s keeper. I guess we all did.”

  I resisted the urge to drop my gaze to my lap. This was the longest I’d ever looked into Jeremy’s eyes and it was making butterflies take flight in my stomach. “I was. I am. When we were younger, when your dad was alive…” I took a deep breath. “Nate was different. He was lighter, he was—”

  “Easier.” Jeremy took his hand off my cheek and it made me want to cry harder for the loss. “Well, less violent anyway.”

  I nodded, swallowing past the lump in my throat. “Yeah. I mean he always had a short fuse, and he’d always let words and emotions fly, but when your dad was still here, he knew how to handle him.”

  Jeremy put his hand on my thigh. In our whole lives, he had never touched me as much as he had in the last thirty minutes. And I was craving more. “When my dad died it became you. You were the only one who could calm him down. Bring his mood back to center.”

  I shrugged. “I was so young. All I knew was that I could make my best friend smile when he was feeling sad. By the time I realized what was happening, how much Nate needed me to stay even—”

  “You couldn’t leave him to fend for himself. We relied on you, all of us.”

  All of us. That was the problem, wasn’t it? I was a child, and all the adults in Nathan’s life had no problem using me. A sad truth, and Jeremy realizing it made it all so glaringly obvious. I was suddenly so angry I stood and started pacing the attic, my head bent to keep from whacking it on the beams.

  “Do you know I’ve never gone to a slumber party? I tried once. I was having so much fun. It was really late, and we were all up watching movies when my parents came and got me. Nate had a nightmare and he wouldn’t stop screaming for me.” I shook my head. “I was fucking twelve. Your mom was hysterical and my parents made me leave a sleepover to take care of your brother. How fucked up is that?”

  Jeremy’s eyes went wide. “I never knew that. I also never knew you dropped the f bomb so freely.”

  I snorted. “You don’t know anything about me Jeremy Deacon. Your brother doesn’t share.” I wiped my eyes and sat back down. “I’ve been kissed once in my entire life.”

  Jeremy laughed at that. “Sloan Smith. I remember. Nathan kicked his ass.”

  I jerked back, my tone biting and so completely unlike me. “Is that funny to you?”

  “Actually that one is funny, Sloan was a player, not to mention a douche. You could do better.” Jeremy looked at the ground. “I always kind of wondered if maybe, you know, you and Nathan…”

  “Really? Me and Nate? No. Not even once.” Nathan had never tried. He’d hold my hand, kiss my head and my cheek, we’d cuddle in bed like brother and sister. That was it. I took a deep breath. “Eighteen-year-old virgin with no friends. College is going to be a breeze, huh?”

  “I’m your friend.”

  “No you aren’t.”

  I wanted what he said to be true, but it wasn’t. I wanted Jeremy to be more than my friend. I wanted him to be my everything. I wanted to open my mouth and ask him to kiss me. Ask him to show me what it felt like to be touched, to be held. But I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t come between him and his brother. Nate was possessive of my time and my attention. We weren’t dating, we’d never even came close. But I knew he felt a kind of ownership over me. It was part of who he was and how he was with me. I didn’t necessarily like it, but I understood he needed it to feel safe.

  Jeremy placed his hand back on my thigh, using his hold to turn me toward him. “I want to be.”

  My eyes searched his. I didn’t know if it was because we were alone for the first time, or because I was leaving for college in a couple of months. Maybe it was because he knew my secret—knew how miserable I really was. Maybe it was the way the sun was setting through the round attic window, bathing everything in an orange glow. Maybe it was how good he smelled, and how handsome he was.

  When his gaze dipped lower to my lips, I leaned in. His right hand tightened on my thigh and his left ha
nd moved back to my cheek. I closed my eyes.

  “Savy.”

  His lips were a breath away from mine. “Jeremy,” I whispered his name, chills breaking out all over my skin.

  I wanted to be kissed, I needed to be kissed. This one stolen moment where it was only Jeremy and me. I needed this teeny tiny little taste of freedom, and I prayed he would give it to me.

  Chapter Three

  Jeremy

  The way she said my name was the most amazing sound I’d ever heard. She was asking me to kiss her, begging me actually. Oh how I wanted to. I wanted to kiss Savy more than I should. I couldn’t do that to her or to Nathan.

  “Savy, I…” I pulled back, untangling my hand from her shiny blonde hair. I infused my voice with insanely upbeat positivity, like I was about to host my own Ted Talk. “I want to be your friend. I know it’s been tough with Nathan, and you’ve taken on more than anyone should ever have to. We have two months of summer vacation ahead of us. Let’s hang out. I’ll take you to some parties, introduce you some people.”

  I’m gonna to try real fucking hard not to kiss you or let my brother find out.

  If he found out, he’d crush her with his bare hands. Figuratively speaking.

  Nathan loved Savy, and he needed her in his life in a way that most people would never understand. I’d watched them for years, and even I had trouble wrapping my mind around their connection. She was his whole world, and as unfair as it was, she was the one who kept it spinning.

  “Friends? You want to be my friend for two months?” Her eyes narrowed with confusion, and probably disappointment.

  Listening to her repeat it back to me made me realize how weak it sounded. I’d basically offered a friendship with an expiration date. “Yeah. It’ll be fun.” I stood quickly, to keep myself from touching her tempting skin again. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

  She shrugged, looking a bit defeated, which tugged at my heart strings. “Tomorrow’s Sunday, so not much.”

  “A bunch of people are gathering down at the lake. Sunday Funday.” I put my hands on my hips, sending her what I hoped was a friendly smile. “Come with me.” I knew Nathan worked tomorrow, my mom still kept a family calendar on the refrigerator. I wasn’t attempting to sneak around with Savy. I was simply using the free day to our advantage. I wasn’t lying. I was employing good time management.