by Penelope Sky
“Fuck.”
I used my entire body to pick up the box, swaying from the weight, and turned around and slowly made the journey to the table.
The other girls obviously had been watching, so when I came closer, the girl closest to me discreetly helped me get it onto the table, like they’d noticed I didn’t get lunch yesterday and the guard was purposely starving me.
“Thank you,” I whispered under my breath.
When I turned around, my gaze locked on Melanie.
She looked heartbroken, her eyes wet from the tears that quickly evaporated.
I promised her we would get out of here, so I had to keep going.
I had to.
When lunchtime came around, I didn’t get a tray.
Again.
I watched Bethany eat.
She didn’t try to slip me food, because my guard was waiting for the first opportunity to bring someone else down with me—and make me feel even worse. He even came over and stood at the edge of the table, just hovering over us, like he wanted to make sure Bethany didn’t successfully give me anything.
Because he wanted me to break.
I probably wasn’t the first woman he’d done this to.
He didn’t get off on rape. He got off on submission.
If I didn’t want to be the next victim, I’d have to suck his dick.
I literally had to suck his dick to save my life.
I wanted to tell myself that I could keep going, that I didn’t need any food, but if I didn’t get lunch or dinner…I would pass out.
We got back to work, and I was growing weaker by the second. I wasn’t sure how I made it to the end of the day. Time passed so slowly. Every time it felt like three hours had gone by, it’d only been three minutes.
The girls rose from the tables and prepared to return to the cabins.
Bethany walked up to me, a few of the girls at our table coming close and standing nearby. Then Bethany emptied her pockets and stuffed food into my pockets, moving as quickly as she could without dropping anything.
I wanted to cry.
It all happened within ten seconds.
And then the girls walked away…like nothing happened.
In the privacy of my cabin, I ate everything they’d given me.
It was way more food than the contents of a single meal, which meant that several women had given up parts of their meal and handed it over to Bethany to donate to me. There were several pieces of chicken, slices of bread, even a protein bar, grapes, and an entire apple.
Within minutes of finishing everything, I felt better.
I felt alive again.
If I didn’t want the guard to realize what was happening, I had to pretend to be weak, but not so weak that I couldn’t do my job. I couldn’t be the strongest one in the herd, but not the weakest either.
I felt a bit guilty because by not being the weakest one, that meant someone else was, and that meant I would live…and they would die.
But I pushed the thought away. I had to survive.
I had to survive…for my sister.
At dinnertime, the guard entered my cabin with a tray of food. He obviously thought tonight would be the night I would cave. If Bethany hadn’t given me the food, he would have been right.
He pulled up the chair again.
I lay on the bed and didn’t get up, pretending to be too weak to sit up.
He set the tray on the edge of the bed. He sat there in silence, as if he expected me to sit upright and inhale the food. He’d counted his eggs before they hatched.
I turned over and faced the other wall.
He was still.
I didn’t want him to figure out that someone was slipping me food, so I had to be weak instead of defiant, too weak to give him a smartass comment.
He rose to his feet, and then a loud crash sounded.
Because he threw the tray against the wall.
I jolted slightly but tried not to react.
He stormed out and left.
His anger was a blessing, because he probably regretted throwing that tray at the wall so there would be food on the floor, but he had too much pride to pick it up. He left it behind.
And bought me some time.
When I got to work the next day, I felt strong again, because of all the calories I’d been able to ingest. I didn’t hesitate to pick up all the food off the floor and eat it, because Bethany’s food made me feel better, but my hunger hadn’t been completely satisfied. Though, I still pretended to be tired.
Bethany stood at the table, working on her first box.
I stood beside her, doing my best not to get emotional, to give our game away. Bethany had shown me kindness in a world where kindness didn’t exist. She made me want to live during the times when I thought living was pointless torture. “Thank you.” I ripped off the tape on the box and folded down the sides.
“We got you, girl.” She lifted the box and carried it away.
I stalled for a bit, masking the emotion on my face, and then turned around and got to work.
The guard stood over us to make sure I didn’t take Bethany’s food.
He was paying attention to the obvious, when he should be paying attention to the less obvious. I could tell he wasn’t the smartest guy in the world. He was probably the dullest tool in this shed.
There was a sudden change in energy all around us, like something was happening, something was coming.
I lifted my gaze to look at the other side of the clearing because all the guards faced that way, as if they expected something too. The girls knew better than to turn around in their seats to get a look, but the ones facing that direction stopped eating.
A man emerged into the clearing, flanked by two guards.
I immediately knew he was the boss.
Not because of his black bomber jacket with gray fur down the front. Not because he was in black jeans and boots. Not because he was accompanied by two guards who seemed to act as his personal entourage.
It was because he showed his face.
With short brown hair, dark eyes, and a thick shadow on his jawline, his face was completely visible to every single person there. His lips were pressed into a straight line, and his eyes seemed innately hostile even though he didn’t speak a word. He stopped and looked at the body hanging from the noose, the snow beneath her a faint pink because the blood had dripped onto the ground, like a snow cone in summer. He shifted his gaze to us, watched us with those angry eyes, his gaze moving around the entire area like he wanted to look at every single one of us, commit our faces to memory, to survey his kingdom.
My blood immediately boiled.
This was the guy. This was the reason I was here.
Because of him.
The guards didn’t speak to him.
The boss moved farther past the tables, examining our trays like he was curious about our lunch. His eyes scanned a few more times before he turned back the way he came, getting a different angle of the clearing.
He stared right at my sister.
I knew that was exactly what he was staring at because of her reaction.
She held his gaze for a moment, terrified, and then dropped her eyes, breathing hard.
He continued his stare, on the exact same spot, like he didn’t want to look away.
I’d seen men stare at my sister enough times to read that look.
No.
He eventually turned away and crossed the clearing, escorted by his men.
He stepped into one of the cabins, the one Magnus usually walked into.
Once he was gone, the silence in the clearing remained, like we didn’t know what to do with ourselves after what we’d seen. Then the girls started to eat again, the sound of forks scratching against trays, of chewing mouths, filling the area once more.
But the bumps were on my arms underneath my coat—and not because of the cold.
Because I was afraid…truly afraid.
Bethany continued to slip food into my
pockets when no one was looking. She gave me as much as could possibly fit, making my pockets so bulky it was a blessing that my jacket was too big for my body and successfully concealed it.
I wasn’t getting lunch or dinner, so without it, I wouldn’t survive.
But I worried how long this could go on.
Regardless of how stupid the guard was, he would eventually figure out that I was somehow getting food. There was no amount of willpower that would make me last over a week without food and continue to get my job done.
I just hoped he wouldn’t figure it out before Magnus came back.
More days passed, and I knew I was on borrowed time. At any moment, the guard would figure it out. I did my best to seem as weak as possible without collapsing, but I suspected he’d done this before, and the women always caved when they reached their breaking point.
“Has he fed you yet?” Bethany discreetly asked the question at the table since we couldn’t talk over lunch anymore, not with the guard standing right over us, watching us like a hawk.
“No.”
She released a quiet sigh. “When do you think Magnus is coming back?”
“He didn’t say, just that it would be a couple weeks.”
“We’re almost at two weeks, and this guard is gonna figure it out soon.”
“I know… You should stop giving me food.”
She kept working with her box. “You’ll starve.”
“Magnus will be back any day, and if I don’t stop eating, he’s gonna figure it out…and know it’s you.”
She released another sigh. “Not to make matters worse, but…Cindy told me that Melanie was removed from their cabin.”
“What?” I couldn’t stop myself from turning my head to look at her full on.
“Don’t look at me,” she hissed.
I forced myself to face forward again, but my hands shook as they gripped the box. “Where did they put her?”
“No idea. Just thought you should know.”
“Did she do anything?”
“The girl’s as quiet as a mouse.”
The image of the boss came into my head, remembering the way he looked at her, and then I felt like I’d been punched in the gut.
I knew what happened.
I knew…and I had to do everything I could not to start sobbing then and there.
11
If You Must Die, Die Bravely
I leaned against the wall as I sat on my bed, lost in the dangerous thoughts clouding my mind. It was impossible to know the exact hour, not after my dinners stopped coming, when all I had was the light under my door to gauge the time.
My predicament was nothing compared to my sister’s.
I knew exactly what had happened to her.
I tried to tell myself that there was another explanation, that she was rewarded for her good behavior with a nicer cabin, more space, more privacy…
But I didn’t believe the lies I told myself.
She was beautiful. It’d been a blessing I’d always cursed. I used to be jealous of her years ago, the way she attracted every guy in her vicinity, including the guys I wanted for myself. The men I wanted to notice me forgot about me the second they met her. It didn’t matter if we had more in common, beauty was always king, and I was second best.
But now I wasn’t jealous at all.
I was ordinary in comparison, and that made me safer.
But she didn’t deserve this.
She didn’t deserve to be forced just because her beauty was intoxicating. She didn’t deserve whatever was happening to her…night after night.
Tears welled in my eyes and fell down my cheeks.
I was too late. I should have rescued us sooner. I should have done something…
My bedroom door flew open, and the guard came bursting in. “Where is it?”
I jolted upright, jarred by the way he charged into my bedroom like an angry bull.
“Get your ass up!” He grabbed me by the arm and yanked me off, sending me to the floor. Then he picked up my mattress and looked underneath it. When he didn’t find anything, he started to look for holes in the mattress. “Where the fuck is it?”
He knew.
When he didn’t find anything, he moved to my nightstand, yanking out drawers only to discover nothing. He pushed the nightstand aside and found nothing behind it. He even picked up my book and flipped through the pages as if crumbs would fall out. Then he threw it on the floor before turning to me. “I know you’re getting food, bitch. And once I figure out how, I’ll kill everyone who helped you.” He left my cabin a mess then stormed out as harshly as he barged in.
I sat up and looked at my destroyed room, the place that had become a substitute for home.
Bethany couldn’t help me anymore.
I’d starve from now on.
And hope that Magnus came back in time.
The days passed, and I grew weaker.
Even with the food Bethany had given me before, I still wasn’t eating enough.
So, I declined quickly.
I struggled to carry the boxes, struggled to even be cognitively aware of anything. My body shut down first and then my mind. I stopped being hungry after day three, because my body seemed to accept my demise.
I stopped craving food, stopped thinking about food altogether because it only made my situation more unbearable. If I did feel an appetite, I thought about dog shit. Otherwise, I would fantasize about the lunches Bethany ate in front of me.
When I glanced across the clearing to look at my sister, she never met my gaze. Her eyes were always down, like she wanted to be invisible. It seemed like she was purposely not looking at me…because she couldn’t.
Because she wouldn’t be able to hide her pain.
The night before the Red Snow, I lay in bed and looked at the ceiling, hoping that Magnus would walk in and bring me dinner, return my life back to the way it used to be. I actually missed those days, appreciated how good he had been to me.
But he never came.
No one came.
The next day was my fifth day without food.
And I was so weak.
Every time I had a box to move, I had to take a lot of deep breaths before I lifted it, and when I made my way down the table, I could only take one step at a time, because my legs shook from the exertion.
I groaned as I forced myself to take another step…and then another.
But then I tripped and spilled the contents everywhere.
No.
Girls immediately got up from their seats and quickly helped me, like that would draw less attention to my blunder.
“Get up!” The guard stepped forward, yelled at the top of his lungs, and made the girls sprint away like mice returning to their holes.
I was still on the ground, trying to scoop the coke back into the box even though most of it had been lost. It was mixed with snow, the powder turning into sludge.
His footsteps crunched against the snow as he came closer, taking his time like he relished every single moment. He kneeled so he could be level with me. “You know how much this costs?”
I already knew my fate before it happened.
I knew I was the name at the top of the list.
I’d waited too long for Magnus to come back…and I should have caved.
He grabbed the box and pulled it away from me. “This is ten million dollars…that you just spilled all over the fucking ground.”
I was still, my eyes on the ground, the snow that made my knees frigid through my pants.
“Look at me.”
There was no hope for me at this point. I should have just gotten on my knees and sucked him off. Now I couldn’t save my sister. I couldn’t save myself. I let my self-respect jeopardize my survival. I waited for a man to come to my rescue when I’d already learned not to expect shit from a man.
He lowered his voice so only I could hear. “Was it worth it?”
I kept my gaze down.
“Was a blow job worth y
our life?” He rose to his feet, holding the remaining coke inside the cardboard box. Then he turned it over and poured it all over me, just the way I’d dumped food onto the floor in my cabin. He raised his voice again. “The entire batch is ruined—and you’ll pay for that.”
It was impossible to get through the rest of the day.
I was literally waiting for death.
My fate was sealed when lunch was delivered.
The guard didn’t stand over us, because it didn’t matter.
At the end of the day, that noose would go around my neck, they would kick out the crate from underneath my feet, and then I would be stabbed in the stomach, my guts spilling onto the ground as I dangled and gasped for air.
That was how I was going to die—like that.
I was a good person who always took care of everyone else. I did everything right, always lived a life of honesty and integrity, always did the right thing even when no one was looking. But that virtue didn’t change my fate, didn’t protect me from this cruel end. I didn’t even save my sister, didn’t sacrifice my life for someone else, so my death really was a complete waste.
Just as my life had been.
Bethany kept lifting her gaze to look at me, the pain in her eyes showing her thoughts, showing the turmoil she felt at my expense. She knew exactly what I knew. She knew my fate before they even announced it.
She would probably be the last person I ever spoke to. “Thanks for helping me.”
Her eyes fell in a deeper look of sadness.
“Tell Melanie…” There was a catch in my throat, and it was hard to continue, not when my eyes were getting wet with tears, not because of my impending death, but because of how the event would torment her forever. “Tell her not to give up…and I love her.”
She nodded. “I’ll make sure she knows.”
It was such a violent way to die.
I rehearsed it in my head over and over, how it would hurt, the rope against my throat and the knife in my belly. The only comfort I had was knowing how quickly it would end. The sounds stopped within thirty seconds.
