The Pinecone Apothecary

by S J Amit

  A long table appeared among the green trees on the right side of the path. Five people were sitting by it on wide chairs, all facing the path with their backs to the grove, with a pile of papers in front of each of them.

  “Welcome to the sales desk for the Natural Religions and the Anteballegarian Prayers Offices,” the first man said as we walked near them.

  “Would you like to purchase a religion? Shall we find a suitable faith that will relieve you? An interesting prayer?” the woman to our right asked.

  “Do you need some exciting faith? Healthy religion? Organized prayer? Along with what you get here, you’ll receive clear written instructions for repeated rites which will help you maintain spirituality within the walls,” the bearded man who sat in the middle added.

  “We have lots of religion types and we’re open to any prayer you ask for. We can group you with other people during the experience, so you can feel comfortable,” the fourth woman, a redhead with freckles on her face, collected some papers, lightly tapped their edges on the desk, straightened and added them to a pile.

  The fifth man got up and handed us some papers. His smooth gray hair blew in the wind. “Even if you have your own, and you just want to add a few improvements in order to be filled with verity and truth, we’re here,” he turned to look at us and moved his head to the pace of our steps.

  Kelemance stopped. He took two steps back and looked at them.

  “In the Land of the Mosaic, an open heart is man’s natural religion. Only the infinite conversation between the free spirit and the open heart is the true prayer of all the components that compose this place.”

  “We’re here!” Choopster pointed at a house in the middle of a semi-circle of houses a few dozen feet from us, and ran towards it.

  “That’s her house,” Kelemance said.

  For me, all the houses looked the same. The main path split into dozens of little lanes, narrow light-colored gravel paths that led to the houses.

  “This is the only area in the Colony of the Lost where the people who had reached the Mountains of Freedom reside.” He got to the lane that led to the house.

  “How do you know?” I walked behind him.

  “I brought them there. They reached the Mountains of Freedom but didn’t cross them.”

  I pointed with my head towards the house we were approaching, “Her parents, will they listen to me?”

  “If you don’t scare them, they’ll listen. Although it looks like a house, it’s actually a hideout from the rest of the people. Those who had reached the Mountains of Freedom and decided not to continue, got lost until they found a place to live in among all the lost people, but they couldn’t build homes for themselves, only shelters.”

  “Why?”

  “Because all those who stood on the peaks of the Mountains of Freedom and looked to the endless vast spaces of the Land of the Mosaic, also saw the possibilities beyond the chasms.” Kelemance slowed down and waited for me to walk next to him. “From the moment they decided to turn back and arrived in the Colony of the Lost, the fear has nested in them. They’re lost people who don’t feel like they belong in the Colony of the Lost, because once you’ve listened to the free spirit, it occurs in you, never really receding.”

  “Then why don’t they return to the mountains, or to where they came from? You said that anyone can leave the Land of the Mosaic whenever they want.”

  “Because of the fear of the chasms, and of the pain that transforms. Their hope of one day meeting the pinecone apothecary has been replaced with survival among those who don’t believe he exists. They live with everyone, but on their own, in loneliness, because the others never reached there. To have looked beyond the walls and to then live within them is a situation which doesn’t allow for tranquillity. It’s only in the shelters and in the hideouts they built for themselves that they can find rest and breathe easily. Only there can they experience, uninterrupted, a faint memory of how they felt beyond the walls, and have the quiet place to think about the unfathomable without fearing that which is unknown.”

  “Michelle!” the door opened and Choopster leaped on the man who came out. He flung her in the air to the sound of her rolling laughter and held her tight. She wrapped her thin arms around his neck, gave him a long hug and put her head on his shoulder. “Mom and I missed you very-very much.” He lowered her to the ground and kissed her forehead.

  Kelemance and I approached them. “Elijah,” Kelemance called out.

  He looked at us suspiciously and Choopster ran inside. “Kelemance,” he answered. His voice was sharp, but his eyes softened.

  The two men, who were the same height, hugged and patted each other’s backs. “It’s been a while since I last visited here, huh.” Kelemance let go and stepped back.

  “That’s true. And what brings you here?” he asked Kelemance but looked at me.

  “Meet Julian. He’s crossed the river. We spent a night in the Area of the Changing Seasons until the storm passed.”

  “Nice to meet you,” I reached out my hand.

  “Elijah,” he said and shook it, immediately adding his other hand and wrapping my hand with both of his. A firm hold, assured, warm but tough, protective hands, strong but not too rough. He looked into my eyes. Big honey-colored eyes. Well-meaning. Reminiscent of Choopster’s. No doubt that he knew exactly where we were heading. After all, Kelemance had told me he was his Challenge Bearer.

  “That’s where I met Choop-, Michelle, your daughter,” I said and he let go of my hand, “you have a very special girl.”

  Elijah wore a light-colored, long sleeved fabric shirt with three buttons at its top, and wide black pants that reached till his feet. Only his toes stuck out through his open shoes.

  “She doesn’t talk much,” he cleared his throat with half a smile, “Kelemance told me in the beginning of the summer that everyone who’s born in the Land of the Mosaic hears the free spirit from the day they’re born, and therefore needs no words.”

  “She spoke with me a little bit for some reason,” I smiled.

  “Choopster is a part of this place, a unique component of the Land of the Mosaic.” Kelemance looked at Elijah and then at me. “Like all the natives, as she gets older she learns to listen to her free spirit, and understand the language that the eternal soul within her speaks to the one-time woman she’s becoming. She’s always known how to speak it. Just like anyone else who is a part of this place, she only needs to remember.”

  “Come on in.” Elijah pressed his back to the doorframe, and invited us into the house with a hand gesture.

  “Julian and I need to keep going,” Kelemance said as we passed him and walked in. “We only came for a short visit.”

  Elijah locked the door behind us.

  A little hallway led to a wide living room. Every person has a single unique pinecone in the Land of the Mosaic, which contains that person’s eternity of existence. Among the seeds of potential within it, lies man’s inner truth of himself. I stared at the picture on the wall in front of me.

  “An old keepsake from Tipegg and me.” Kelemance removed his cape and bag, lightly pulled my bag, and I removed mine too. He gave it all to Elijah, who disappeared with it through a passage in the middle of the wall to our left.

  There was a large window in the wall to our right. Light came through the thin curtains, caressing the gray carpet on the dark wooden floor. Under the window there was a long and light-colored corner sofa which stretched along the wall in front of us and under the picture. There was a round table with six chairs on the left corner near to us. Near the table, at the center of the left wall, there was a passage that opened all the way up to the ceiling which led to the rest of the house.

  “We’ll sit outside,” Elijah peered through the passage and gestured for us to come, “the sun’s not as strong towards evening time.” We came out to a big porch surrounded by
a wide wooden rail with an open gate. “This is our yard, and that’s Jemma, Michelle’s mother,” he pointed to the field. “She’ll come in soon.” He waved to her and sat on the left chair of the two wooden rocking chairs that stood on either side of the porch.

  She waved back to us as she hung up the laundry. Choopster was next to her, playing with a little white dog. She lifted the big basket from under the clothesline and walked towards us. Choopster ran around the yard and the little dog skipped after her with difficulty through the grass and the plants. Her mother came nearer and her thin blue dress fluttered in the air. She went up the two little stairs at the bottom of the rail. “Hello Julian,” she placed the basket at the corner of the porch and walked towards me.

  Her face was tanned. Big brown eyes. Hair pulled back, a black rubber band holding a long braid which hung down onto her left shoulder. She looked familiar. “Michelle told me that you don’t know how you got here.”

  “What’s happening here…” I stepped back and bumped into the empty chair, “Kelemance?!”

  “Jemma, nice to meet you,” she got closer and reached out her hand to me.

  My hands were shaking, my head was spinning. Chills. No air. A strong pang in my chest.

  I carefully sat on the chair and leaned back, put my hands on my chest and breathed heavily. This wasn’t happening. I needed my bag.

  Kelemance stood in front of me, leaned down and put his hand on my knee. “Julian, what’s happening to you?”

  “I need my bag.”

  “Allow me,” Elijah went inside for a moment and came back out with my bag, “There you go.” He placed it on my legs.

  I inhaled and exhaled slowly through my mouth, opened the bag and took out the folded drawing. “Take it, look,” I handed Jemma the drawing. Another pang made me curl up. “This is the draw-ing that she dr-ew for me,” I pointed at Choopster. My head was spinning faster, I closed my eyes in anguish and leaned back. “I sa-w it alr-eady at the pharm-acy near my hou-se, be-fore I came here,” I squirmed in my chair, “un-der a pho-to of you,” I moaned with exhaustion. “Wh-ere a-m I?”

  Little fingers dug under my hands as I pressed against my chest. My eyes slowly opened. Choopster was smiling at me, her little forehead almost touching my chin. “Don’t fight the pain.” She released my fingers and disconnected my hands from each other, climbed on my right leg and placed her head on my heart. “I’ve hugged you before. It’s not your fault that you’re here. You’re allowed to ache.”

  “Choo-pster.” My arms flopped down to the sides of the chair.

  She lifted her head and looked at me. The little mirror around her neck sparkled and I saw my face reflected in it, but I looked younger. I looked again, it was me. A teenager’s face, then a boy’s, then a baby’s. Choopster placed her head on me again, pressing her ear to my heart and hugging me. “All those who come from faraway lands to the Land of the Mosaic don’t always know if they’re present or not, if they’re here or not.”

  I barely managed to raise my arms. I hugged her, pressed my chin to her head and closed my eyes. “It’s not your fault that you’re here again, you’re allowed to ache,” her soft voice echoed until it sunk in, the dizziness weaken and finally stopped. My breathing relaxed. The pangs subsided and ceased. I slowly opened my eyes and lifted my head.

  Jemma looked at me. Elijah stood up close to her right side. Kelemance was a bit to their left, he came closer and stood next to me, facing them.

  “I’m sorry,” I sat up on the chair, “nice to meet you, I’m Julian.” Choopster climbed off my lap and stood between her parents.

  “Everything’s alright,” Jemma came closer and handed me back the drawing.

  “This is the drawing that she drew for me,” I said again, more calmly. “I’m sure I’ve seen it before. I’ve met you before, right? I’m not crazy?”

  “I don’t know who’s crazy, the people in Anteballegaria assume that in this neighborhood we’re all insane. Michelle says that anyone who notices her has been here before, only she thinks she’s hugging the same person. She’s certain that it’s only a matter of time before you remember her. But Elijah and I don’t recall you coming here and I don’t know if we’ve met before, we weren’t born in the Land of the Mosaic like Michelle, we came here just like you did.”

  I looked at Elijah and then at Jemma, “I only came here to tell you that maybe Choopster, I mean Michelle, maybe it’s better to let here stay with the other children on the other side of the river. She wants to stay there, in the Area of the Changing Seasons. She isn’t suitable for living within the walls.”

  “Julian, others before you have told us the same thing you have,” Elijah hugged Jemma with one hand and put the other on Choopster’s shoulder, “Michelle was born in the Land of the Mosaic and she’s not an outsider like we are, but she’s still a child. She’s too young to go out on her own beyond the walls.”

  “I’ve told you countless times already that you can leave with her, how many times have I explained to you that in the Land of the Mosaic there are no outsiders and no conditions for being a part of it?” Kelemance intervened, “Choopster can’t be anything but herself. You’ve met Lampharsella and Pontubelle, her Memory Guardians, they’ve told you that she has the same instincts that all the natives of this place do, and an intuition that no one in the Colony of the Lost could understand.”

  “They argue every time someone from a faraway land crosses the river with Michelle,” Jemma interrupted them. “Kelemance says that all the human beings from all the faraway lands visit the Land of the Mosaic at least once. Maybe you’ve already fought the pain in the past and then returned to the land you’re from without knowing?”

  “I don’t know,” I got up and stood in front of them.

  “Can I see the drawing, please?” Elijah glanced at the drawing and looked up at me. “It takes time to understand that you’ve crossed though the lands. It took time for me to understand that too.”

  “All I know is that I’m in the Land of the Mosaic in order to reach the pinecone apothecary and find an answer to my pain, a pain that hasn’t left me for a long time now. But it was only after meeting your daughter that I started realizing that I’m really here and that he really exists, and that I can reach him.” I looked at them both. “She made me see things differently, feel things I’d already forgotten that I could feel. That’s why I felt that first I needed to come to you with her, just to convince you that this isn’t her place.”

  “You don’t need to explain to anyone why you’re in the Land of the Mosaic, Julian.” Elijah folded the drawing and handed it back to me. “Not to us, not to the people of the land from which you came, and definitely not to people within the Land of the Mosaic. Not even to yourself.”

  “You’re simply here,” Jemma added.

  “I have no intention of rushing you, or doubting you,” Elijah continued. “And I can tell that you really mean what you’re saying. But what have you got to say to us that others before you haven’t said to us, that Kelemance hasn’t said to me?”

  Choopster stared at me. Her honey-colored eyes seemed as though they were asking for me to say something. Maybe you know things that I don’t, I thought to myself. Maybe you feel things that no one can understand. Maybe you experience the world in a way which no one but you can perceive. And maybe you’re just a crazy child, and I lost my mind long ago. And maybe we really did meet in the past, maybe not. Maybe you were always present, and you made me a drawing because you wanted me to remember and return, waited for me to come save you so that you could save me too.

  “Elijah,” I took a big breath, “Your daughter… there’s nothing wrong with her. She just can’t live the life you’ve built here, she’s totally incapable of ignoring what happens around her, because everything infiltrates her. She doesn’t do it on purpose, she’s just too sensitive to contain it. Her body will cave in, her free spirit wi
ll ache, life in the Colony of the Lost will weaken her until she fades away.”

  Elijah grinded his teeth in an attempt to stop the tremble in his mouth, he tightened his lips and crossed his arms over his chest. Jemma’s face saddened at once and her eyes became red.

  What else was I allowed, what else could I say to those good people without hurting them?

  “Choopster is part of the Land of the Mosaic,” I continued. “She can’t minimize her place so it fits into the limits that the people here have set, she can’t force herself to get lost in order to live comfortably among the lost people.”

  Choopster climbed down from the porch and went back to playing with the little puppy that ran after her. Jemma kissed Elijah as he hugged her tightly. “I so want to believe that you’re right,” she told me and snivelled, “and we’re prepared to leave with her.” She went inside and came back out with a pen and a little glass bottle. “Give me the drawing again please.” She spread the drawing over the wooden rail, opened the bottle and dipped the pen in its ink. “If you really want to help us, before Michele leaves these walls and lives within the Land of the Mosaic, take this with you to the pinecone apothecary. This will assure us that he exists.” She leaned over the paper, wrote something on it and continued talking. “Know this - the path that goes beyond the Mountains of Freedom is terrifying. As the chance of crossing them grows, so do the fear and anxiety intensify near the chasms.” She straightened up and handed me back the drawing, “If you see this drawing again, then you probably never managed to reach him.”

  Sometimes pain is only the messenger. You can’t go back to where you’ve never been. I read what she wrote down.

  The white puppy appeared behind me and rubbed against my leg. Choopster came after him and picked him up. She hugged him and caressed his head. Jemma placed her hand on Choopster’s head. “Kelemance, you won’t make it to the peaks today, by the time you get there it’ll already be dark, stay here for the night.”