Zero Regret

by Autumn Jones Lake

  “Maybe. But his family isn’t. There’s an inheritance and he needs to be married…to a woman to collect it. When enough time had passed, we would’ve gotten divorced.”

  “Why would you even consider something like that?”

  I sigh and almost regret admitting this. “I know what it’s like to be scorned by your family for things that are out of your control. He helped me when I needed it and I wanted to do the same.”

  By the way Z’s jaw keeps flexing, he’s having a hard time objecting to my reasoning.

  “That’s it?”

  “Well, I have a lot of…medical debt. From…before…and from when I had Chance and he was going to help me with that.”

  “Lilly, that’s my responsibility. Not some guy who’s too spineless to tell his family to fuck off.”

  Once again, in his own crude way, Z proves he’s so damn honorable I have no business being with him.

  “Mommy?” Chance calls.

  I breathe a sigh of relief.

  “We’re not done,” Z says in a low voice, right before Chance shuffles into the living room.

  Our son stands there, rubbing his eyes and pouting. “It was loud. And someone yelled.” He looks around the room, his gaze finally landing on Z. He scowls as if he blames Z for every new nocturnal noise in his life.

  I’d laugh except there’s nothing funny about tonight. Instead, I hold out my hands and Chance eagerly runs over and lets me scoop him up. He puts his little arms around my neck and rests his cheek on my shoulder so he’s facing Z.

  “Did you yell at Mommy?” The accusatory tone of the question might be downright hilarious under other circumstances.

  Z reaches over and runs his hand over Chance’s back. “No, buddy. Sorry if we woke you. Your mom and I were having an interesting talk. That’s all.”

  Interesting. I snort. That’s one way to put it.

  Chance places his hands against my shoulders and pushes backwards to stare at me as if he needs confirmation.

  “That’s all it was,” I say. “I’m sorry if we scared you.”

  “Not scared,” he insists. “Of nothin’.”

  “That’s my boy.” Z chuckles and it seems to put Chance at ease.

  Z

  There isn’t a sight in this world more beautiful than my woman with our son in her arms.

  Even if I do want to strangle her at the moment.

  She frustrates the fuck out of me.

  Lilly has to be the tightest bundle of secrets and contradictions I’ve ever encountered. Still, there isn’t another person in this world I want to unlock as much as her.

  I don’t like that we woke Chance, though. I spent years hiding in my room while my parents fought when I was a kid. It’s not what I want for my son. Not ever.

  The urge to leave and get away from them before I do some damage rises up and I barely hold it together.

  “Can I have a doggie?” Chance asks, breaking up the tightness in my chest.

  Lilly gives him a soft smile and taps his chest. “You have two doggies. Remember? Ziggy and Zipper?”

  Something about the easy way she reminds him of my dogs reassures me everything’s going to be okay. Whatever this fuckery is between us right now will get resolved. And when it does, all this turmoil and confusion will have been worth it.

  “Yes!” Chance grins and looks to me to make sure it’s true.

  “Yeah, buddy. They’re going to come stay with us at the new house. They’ll look after you and Mommy while I’m at work.”

  He lets out a big yawn and Lilly scoots to the edge of the couch. “Let’s put you back to bed.”

  “Nooooo.” Chance’s little cheeks turn red and tears well up in his eyes. “I wanna sleep with you.”

  Lilly hesitates, a troubled expression wrinkles her forehead. “Why, baby?”

  He squeezes his arms around her neck even tighter. “Because.”

  Her gaze slides my way and I shrug, unsure of what she expects me to say. Does she think I’m an asshole who’s going to tell my kid to ‘man up’ or something? He’s two-and-a-half years old, we woke him up in the middle of the night, and now he wants his mom. I’m not stupid. I get it.

  All my concerns turn into a puddle of mush when he reaches one little hand toward me. “Daddy, too.”

  “Yup,” Lilly reassures him. “Daddy’s coming too.”

  When I find my voice, I answer, “Right behind you.”

  A few minutes later, Chance is snuggled down smack in the middle of the mattress. Lilly sighs and shakes her head. “He hasn’t wanted to sleep with me in a long time.”

  Ten thousand pounds of guilt threatens to crush me. I had to be a big man, slamming the door in Ted’s face tonight instead of acting like a responsible father. “I shouldn’t have—”

  “No,” she cuts me off. “Stuff happens. He’ll be okay.” She tosses her robe on the chest at the foot of the bed and slides under the covers.

  Careful not to disturb Chance, I get in on my side and reach over to shut the lamp off. “Think we should leave it on?” I ask.

  “No. As long as we’re here when he wakes up, he’ll be fine.”

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  I can’t see her expression, but she reaches over our son and rests her hand on my arm. “I know you’re not.”

  Twisting my arm, I capture her hand and bring it up to my mouth, slowly brushing my lips against her knuckles. “We still need to talk, Lilly.”

  “I know,” she whispers.

  I turn her hand, kissing her open palm down to her wrist. She laughs softly. “That tickles.”

  “Shh…don’t wake him again.”

  We’re both quiet for a few minutes, but it doesn’t sound like she’s asleep yet.

  “I meant what I said earlier.”

  “You said a lot of things,” she whispers.

  “That I love you.”

  The bed shifts and her warmth spreads over my skin. She presses her forehead against my chin for a second before reaching up to kiss my jaw. “I love you too,” she whispers. “Don’t ever doubt it.”

  It’s not our love I doubt.

  It’s everything else.

  Chapter Three

  Lilly

  The next morning, we’re jarred from sleep by Chance jumping on the bed and finally flopping down next to Z.

  “Sleep okay, buddy?” Z rasps, barely opening his eyes.

  “Yup!” Chance seems to have forgotten all about last night. Even asks why he’s in my room, which is a relief.

  The weight of Z’s stare follows me as I lead Chance out of the bedroom. It takes Z a few minutes, but eventually he finds me. “We still need to talk.”

  “I’m not marrying anyone but you, Z,” I say without turning around.

  His warm, solid body presses up against my back and he wraps his big hands around my wrists, forcing me to drop my spatula on the counter. He uses his chin to push my hair out of his way and slides his lips against my neck. “Say that again.”

  I can’t form a coherent thought, let alone remember what I said five seconds ago with him wrapped around me like a wall of warmth, desire, and safety. “You’re the only man I’ve ever wanted to marry.”

  “Yeah?” He kisses right below my ear. “Remember Rock and Hope’s wedding?”

  “How could I forget?”

  “I couldn’t stop thinking about what kind of bride you’d be,” he says matter-of-factly.

  A tear slips down my cheek, but I can’t brush it away without escaping his hold—something I don’t want to do. “Really?”

  I wish my voice didn’t come out so damn wobbly. He notices and leans in closer, kissing my tear-tracked cheek. “That bother you?”

  “Not at all.” I sniffle and laugh at the same time. “I might have questioned whether you’d slip on a suit or tux for your wedding.”

  “Our wedding,” he corrects. “You’re trying to distract me again. We need to talk.”

  Ice-cold fear spreads through my che
st. I can’t have the conversation he wants to have with Chance around. It doesn’t matter how old he is, I don’t want any of it poisoning his young mind.

  “My brother’s been asking about taking Chance for an afternoon.”

  “Okay,” he answers, the what does that have to do with anything question clear from his tone.

  “Chance…He can’t be here for the talk you want to have.”

  By the way he staggers backwards, Z didn’t expect that answer.

  “What more do you need to know, Z?”

  He recovers from the shock quickly. “Nothing less than everything.”

  His phone buzzes on the counter and he snatches it up. “Fuck.”

  “Do you have to go?”

  “Club stuff.” He frowns and some of the anger I remember from last night bleeds into his expression. “We’re not done with this, Lilly.” He closes his eyes. “I’m still…pissed.”

  “I know.”

  “But I love you and we’ll get through it.” As hard as he sounds, warmth and conviction still shine through easing some of my skittishness. “Rooster should have some house listings for me. I’m going to check them out with Murphy and Teller later. Unless you want me to wait for you?”

  “No, don’t delay anything. I trust you.” My mouth turns down. “Although, I don’t think Teller likes me all that much.”

  “Fuck.” He bites his lip, but I don’t think he’s upset with me.

  Why did I even bother saying anything right now? Because the move is making me anxious? Or something else?

  “It’s got nothing to do with you, Lilly. He’s going through some stuff. If he really gives you attitude, tell me.”

  “No, I shouldn’t have said anything at all. I was joking.”

  His phone pings again and he groans. Glancing down, he types out a quick response to whoever’s looking for him. After sending it, he gives me a crooked smile. “You better be here when I get back. I will chase your gorgeous ass down this time.”

  It’s the worst kind of joke for either of us to make, but I laugh anyway. “You’re coming back?”

  “You’re goddamned right I am. You can have a thousand more guys out there waiting for you to answer their marriage proposal. You’re mine.”

  It’s absurd, funny, and awful all at the same time. Yet, still somehow sweet. I twist my fingers into his cut and yank him closer. “Get back here soon.”

  Chapter Four

  Z

  The ride downstate helps clear my head, but not much. All the pieces floating around in my brain usually seem to sort themselves out when I’m on my bike. This time, it’s harder.

  I have my suspicions, but she wouldn’t confirm or deny anything with Chance in the house. Lilly wasn’t being dramatic. She wants to protect our son and I respect that, no matter how frustrating.

  I don’t have lots of time before I need to be downstate, but I can’t help stopping at the upstate clubhouse.

  It feels weird to ride through the gates wearing another charter’s bottom rocker. No one treats me differently, but it still doesn’t sit right.

  Rock greets me out front with a happy, welcoming hug. “Fuck, Prez, look at the smile on your face. You need me to go away more often?”

  “No, fuckface. Just glad to see you. What’re you doing?”

  “Headed back, but it didn’t feel right riding by without stopping in.”

  “Good choice. Soon you won’t be riding by at all, right?”

  “Planning to look at a place today.”

  “Murphy said they found a nice area. Safe for the kids.”

  I glance around at the clubhouse and the woods surrounding us. This has been my home for a long time and I’m not okay with leaving it. It’s where I want to raise my son. “It’s still not home.”

  “Yeah, this is some fucked-up shit.” He glances at the woods towards his house. “We all know it’s a possibility in this life. Doesn’t take much. But fuck, shooting him in his own clubhouse’s driveway?”

  “That’s the part that keeps sticking with me.”

  “How do you feel about the brothers down there? Anyone strike you as especially power-hungry?”

  “If they are, they’re playing a long game. No one’s complained about me taking Sway’s place.”

  “That right there should make you worry.”

  “Right?” I laugh even though it’s not funny. “Jesus, Sway’s been trying to stay off of Priest’s radar since National.”

  “Instead, someone made sure he stayed on it.”

  “Makes you wonder if it was intentional or someone fucked up. Or…” I stare at him for a minute, contemplating my next words. I can trust Rock with anything, but even kicking this idea around is dangerous. “Priest ordered it.”

  Rock’s slow to answer. “Yeah, that crossed my mind, too.”

  “I hate saying it, but Sway pushed him pretty far and who knows what he’s fucked up since then. He wouldn’t have had any confidence in Shadow after that arrest.”

  “Even before that he hinted at us taking over down there.”

  “Fuck, I’m surprised they’re not more suspicious of me.”

  “Why do you think I sent Murphy and Teller with you? Fuck, I’d be right there with you if I could, brother.”

  “Thanks, Rock.”

  He takes a more serious look at me. “Everything okay?”

  I run my hand through my hair while I think about where to start. “Did Hope talk to you about the subpoena Lilly got?”

  “A little. She didn’t have a lot of details.”

  “Yeah, neither do I.”

  Rock’s one of the smartest people I know, so it doesn’t surprise me terribly when he asks, “You think it’s connected to why she left?”

  “Sort of. I can’t put my finger on it exactly.” I hesitate, unsure about sharing this. If what Lilly suggested, that she hurt herself, is true, trying to take the easy way out isn’t exactly a decision that’s respected in our world. A brother trying to take his own life better pray he succeeds, otherwise his club might finish the job.

  But Rock’s never been one to judge and won’t run his mouth to anyone else about it. “She has these marks down her arms.” I trace a line down to my wrist, but I have to force the words out. “Like she might have hurt herself.”

  “Jesus. What’d she tell you?”

  “Says that’s how she found out about Chance. That he saved her.”

  His expression softens. “Did you ask why?”

  “Some other stuff came up.” I don’t want to tell Rock about Ted’s visit. I can only imagine what he already thinks of Lilly. No need to make it worse. In my mind, Ted’s already a non-issue. I’m not nearly as pissed about it as I was last night. “She’s a goddamn fortress.”

  He snorts. “Why do you think that is?”

  “She’s embarrassed?”

  “Maybe.”

  “She thinks I’ll get mad?”

  “At her or someone else?”

  “Fuck. I don’t know. I feel in my gut that the two things are related.”

  “You think she left to protect you or herself?”

  I frown at the question. “Why me?”

  His expression hardens and he crosses his arms over his chest. “What would you have done if you found out someone hurt or threatened her?”

  That’s easy. “Kill the motherfucker.”

  “Right. We both know that corruption investigation didn’t happen overnight.”

  “You think one of those senators hurt her to keep her quiet?”

  He shrugs. “You’ll have to ask her.”

  “It’s not a conversation she wants to have with Chance around.”

  “Even more reason you need to have it.” He tilts his head in the direction of his house. “Chance can always stay with us.”

  “Thanks, brother.”

  He pulls me in for a quick hug.

  “I’m supposed to sit down with everyone in a couple hours.”

  “Word of advice—” />
  “Oh, Christ.” I smirk and wave my hands at him. “Lay it on me, Prez.”

  Rock doesn’t smile. “You can’t have this weighing on your mind and handle business downstate. So, I’d get those answers from her sooner rather than later.”

  Chapter Five

  Lilly

  Alex seems to be over his snit about Z paying off Dad’s debt. At least when I call and ask if he can watch Chance for a couple of hours, he doesn’t mention it. When I actually arrive at his house, it’s a different story.

  “Aleth! Aleth!” Chance yells as soon as we pull into the driveway and Alex steps outside.

  “You’re going to hang out with Uncle Alex for a couple hours. That okay with you?”

  “Yup!” He’s wiggling and eager to get out of his car seat, so thankfully Alex pops open the back door.

  “How’s my boy?” he asks, swinging Chance up into his arms. “You been good for Mommy?”

  Chance sneaks a quick look at me before answering my brother. “Yup.”

  Inside, he sets Chance down and points out some new toys gathered by the couch, which my son is all too eager to check out.

  “You don’t have to buy him stuff all the time, Alex.”

  “Why not? I want him to have his toys and stuff here so he’s comfortable. I’m so happy you’re home now so I can see him more.”

  Here’s where I should probably mention I’m moving downstate with Z. “Thank you.”

  “What’s going on? You seemed agitated on the phone. Have a fight with—”

  “Watch what you say,” I warn.

  He stares at me with a smirk forming on his lips. “You ask him about Dad and the money?”

  “Yes, I did. And I think the words Dad and you should be looking for are thank you. Z didn’t have to bail him out.”

  “Why aren’t you more upset your son’s father associates with criminals?”

  I shrug because the question’s absurd given the circumstances. “Why aren’t you more concerned our father’s borrowing money from mobsters?”

  He snorts and shakes his head. “I guess you got me there, sis.” His face turns more serious. “I worry about you.”