“I need a dishwasher.” A restaurant-size one plus whatever plumbing it would require to make it work. That wasn’t going to be cheap.
She crossed to her shopping list and added that. It was a huge item to try to insert into her budget.
“Thanks, Mom,” JJ said, sounding grateful. “I’ll help load and unload it, though.”
The rest of the morning passed quickly. Kristine’s list of things to buy grew but thankfully everything after the dishwasher was relatively inexpensive. Once the boxes were unpacked, the boys flattened them and carried them to her SUV. She would swing by the recycling center after she dropped them off.
Before she locked the door, she glanced around. All the equipment fit neatly on shelves. She was going to have to spend much of Monday washing everything by hand before she could use it. Gloves, she thought glumly. She would need rubber gloves and a couple of scrub brushes.
She dropped off the boys, hit the recycling center, then drove home. When she was in the driveway, she stared at the house she loved and wondered for the hundredth time why Jaxsen hadn’t brought by the boys himself. They hadn’t seen each other since he’d fixed up the store. Was he sending a message?
She picked up her phone and pressed a couple of buttons. When he answered, she blurted, “I thought you were bringing the boys this morning.”
Jaxsen hesitated. “I wanted to, but I thought I’d be in the way.”
“How could you think that?”
“The last time we talked in person, it didn’t go very well.”
“I know but you did all the work on the store and Jaxsen, don’t we have to talk? Or are you done?”
She hadn’t meant to say that, ask that, but once the words were out, she knew she wouldn’t call them back. However much it hurt, she had to know.
“I’m not done. Are you?”
Relief. Sweet relief. “Of course not. I didn’t want you to move out. I want to talk about this. I want things to be good between us.”
“I do, too.”
Finally, she thought, leaning her head against the window and exhaling slowly. “I’m glad.”
“So now what?”
An excellent question. How did they move forward? What was the first step and the one after that? Should they talk to a counselor or muddle through on their own?
“Do you want to come over for dinner?” she asked.
“I’d like that.”
“Me, too.”
“If you’ll get JJ, I can pick up Tommy and Grant,” he offered.
“Perfect. I’ll see you with the boys.”
“I’ll be here.”
They hung up and she ran into the house. She had a thousand things to do—figure out what they were having for dinner and go to the grocery store, tidy up, change her clothes—although she wasn’t sure into what.
Anticipation returned. Tonight, she thought. Tonight she and Jaxsen would talk and get their marriage back on track. She was sure of it.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“Admit it,” Dugan said, handing Sophie an ice-cream cone with two scoops of chocolate chip ice cream. “You’re having a good time.”
She licked her cone, then glanced out at the water.
They were down by the beach on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. The sun was out, the temperatures were flirting with seventy and the sound of the waves mingled with the laughter of kids playing.
“This is nice,” she said, returning her attention to the man with her. Dugan had called that morning and asked her to spend the afternoon with him. He’d picked her up at CK and brought her to the park by the beach. She’d been surprised there were so many people out, along with food carts and people selling crafts and kites.
“It’s a little strange,” she admitted as they walked along the boardwalk. “I wasn’t expecting the crowd.”
“It’s Saturday and sunny and we’re heading into summer.”
“Still.”
He stopped and stared at her. “Sophie, when was the last time you didn’t work on a Saturday?”
“I don’t know. When I lived in LA and I would fly back here, I would be gone over a Saturday, so then.”
His deep blue eyes grew thoughtful. “What about vacations?”
“Ugh. Do we have to talk about that? I hate vacations.”
“No one hates vacations.”
“You take one with my ex and then we’ll talk. His goal was to visit all fifty states. And not just visit—drive. Not to Hawaii, of course, but we never went there. And we always had to go look at the weird stuff. Like the world’s biggest ball of yarn. God forbid we should see something cool like the Grand Canyon or New Orleans. And he was a huge B and B fan. I get that some people want to comingle with other travelers and talk, but please not first thing in the morning, over breakfast. Why can’t we stay at some anonymous hotel where there’s room service and maybe a spa? You go look at the world’s biggest ball of yarn. I want a massage.”
He smiled at her. “So no real thoughts on vacations?”
“Ha-ha. I just don’t relax well. I like to work. Okay, sure, eventually I should probably look at some life balance stuff. I’m trying not to work on Sunday. That’s something. And maybe I could take a vacation, if there was a good hotel. And there wasn’t any yarn ball.”
“How do you feel about the south of France?”
“I know nothing about it. Is it nice?”
“It’s very nice. Relaxing and beautiful with lots of great food and wine. I’ll accept your issues with B and Bs, but would you accept a rented villa?”
A villa in the south of France? She would happily not work on a Saturday if that was her option.
“Who’s cooking?” she asked.
Dugan laughed. “I am.”
“Then you’re on.”
Maybe if they went to the south of France, they could start having sex again. She was really missing that and couldn’t figure out why Dugan was holding out on her. She was fairly sure there wasn’t anyone else in his life. He had said he was crazy about her. So what was the problem? Stupid man.
They started walking again.
“How’s Heather doing?” he asked.
“I’m not sure. The last time we talked, she said she was ready to strike out on her own.”
“You don’t sound like you believe her.”
Sophie raised a shoulder, then licked her cone. “I want to, but I’ll admit I’m not sure she’s really going to go. Amber has a way of sucking people in and maybe Heather isn’t strong enough to fight that.”
“You don’t really think that.”
“Why not? She hasn’t left before. She was looking at apartments with her mom.”
“Sophie, she’s twenty years old. She had no father. You and Kristine are her only other family and you’ve been living in California and Kristine has a husband and kids of her own. You’re worried that Heather isn’t strong enough to leave the woman who raised her, the woman who’s never been able to take care of herself? A mature forty-year-old would have trouble breaking away from that. There has to be more guilt than either of us can imagine. What if she leaves and Amber can’t make it on her own? What if Amber never forgives her? What if everyone turns against her and she’s all alone in the world? It’s a lot for a kid to deal with.”
The ice cream she’d eaten turned to stone in her belly. Sophie tossed the rest of it away and stared at Dugan. “I never thought of it like that.”
“I guessed.”
There was something in his tone and expression. “Are you judging me? Do you think I’m being selfish?”
“Not selfish. You have a lot on your mind with the business.”
“Meaning what? I should take more time with my family?” She pressed her lips together, knowing he wasn’t wrong about that. She did get caught up in work—maybe too much. “I want to, b
ut it’s hard.”
“Making the time or knowing what to do?”
“Both. Like Heather. How do you think I should help? Give her money to start over in Boise?”
“Heather isn’t the problem. Amber is. Get her settled and Heather will be free to go. Didn’t you tell me they’re being forced to move?”
Sophie glared at him. “I know where this is going. You want me to buy Amber a condo so she doesn’t go after Heather. You’re very free with other people’s money, aren’t you? That’s so extreme. A condo. As if.”
He finished his ice cream and smiled at her.
“What?” she demanded.
“I didn’t say a word.”
“You didn’t have to. You’re incredibly transparent. A condo. Sure. Why not three so Amber will have a choice of where she lives that particular day? And a new car. Maybe a tropical island. You know she’d find a way to complain about that.” She glared at him. “What?”
“So much energy. What are you protecting yourself from?”
Before she could react, he pulled her close and hugged her, then kissed the top of her head.
“Sophie, I know it feels like everyone you’ve ever loved has broken your heart, but that’s not true. Your mom didn’t want to die. Mark was a jerk, but that can’t be helped. You have people who care about you.”
His words and embrace made her eyes burn, but she blinked away any sign of weakness. Stupid man. She was fine. She didn’t need him.
Only it did feel good to be held, and when she’d been in trouble he’d been the one she’d called, so maybe stupid was the wrong word. As for needing, well, she wasn’t going to think about that.
“You really think I should buy Amber a condo?” she asked, her voice muffled against his strong chest.
“I never said that.”
“You thought it.”
“I refuse to be in trouble for thinking something.”
“If I buy her one, it won’t go well.”
“That I believe to be true.”
“But it would solve a lot of problems.” She looked into his eyes. “Have I mentioned I don’t like that you’re insightful?”
“More than once.”
“Are you ever going to sleep with me again? Before we go to the south of France, I mean. I know you’ll sleep with me there because otherwise why go.”
She expected him to give her a quick, funny response, but he didn’t say anything for several seconds.
“Not today,” he murmured, lightly kissing her.
“I find that annoying.”
“I know.”
“Is that why you’re doing this?”
He smiled. “I believe the problem is more what I’m not doing rather than what I am.”
“Is it a test?”
Because if it was, she was done. She didn’t do tests or games or any of that.
“Not a test, Sophie.”
“Then what?”
He kissed her again. “I’m letting you figure out what you want from me.”
“Aside from sex?”
“Yes.”
“Why does it have to be complicated?”
“I’m not looking for complicated, but I do want to know where we stand. Right now you don’t have a clue.”
She took a step back and put her hands on her hips. “That is so like a man.”
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “I know. Could I be more annoying?”
“Not really.”
They were both laughing, but Sophie was pretty sure that neither of them was joking. Dugan obviously wanted something from her and he was willing to wait to get it. The problem was Sophie had no idea what that was. And even if she did, giving it was going to be an issue. What if Dugan needed more than she was capable of? What if the price of keeping him was higher than she was willing to pay? What if, at the end of the day, the only thing she was good at was work?
* * *
Kristine found herself once again fighting nerves at the thought of seeing Jaxsen. Equally unsettling was the indecision about how to handle the dinner. Part of her wanted to use the dining room and the good china and make everything fancy, but the rest of her said that was a bad idea. She’d been so careful to downplay Jaxsen’s absence. When the boys asked about it, she said they were dealing with some issues and needed time and distance to get perspective. Turning his joining them for dinner into a special occasion meant that wasn’t true and whatever happened between her and Jaxsen, she didn’t want the boys to worry.
To that end, she asked JJ to set the kitchen table, as per usual, casually mentioning their dad would be joining them.
JJ took in the information, washing his hands and said, “Can I go to Brandon’s house tomorrow? His uncle just bought a Mercedes SLK and he’s bringing it over and we’re all going to wax it.”
So much for JJ wrestling with the emotional significance of his father having dinner with them for the first time in a month.
“Sure,” she said with a smile. “When you’re done there, maybe you can bring Brandon home and wax my SUV.”
“Mo-om, it’s not the same. Do you even know what an SLK is?”
“An expensive car?”
“It’s a convertible and it has a—”
She held up her hand. “I beg you. Spare me the engine, suspension, torque, horsepower conversation. I believe you. It’s special.”
“You should care more about cars. They’re really interesting.”
She paused to ruffle his hair. “If you say so.”
JJ sighed. “You’re such a girl.”
“Good to know.”
She checked on the two chickens she’d put in the oven to roast. She’d added baby new potatoes to the pan. She’d already made a salad and there were green beans waiting to be steamed. She’d bought ice cream when she’d picked up the chickens. It was a nicer meal than they would ordinarily have on a busy night, but not so fancy that anyone would notice and comment.
Right at five thirty she heard the sound of Jaxsen’s truck pulling into the driveway. Her body went on alert as her stomach tightened. She told herself to just keep breathing. That tonight wasn’t especially significant. She and Jaxsen needed time to find their way back together. Things weren’t going to be healed in a single meal and she shouldn’t put pressure on either of them.
Tommy and Grant raced in ahead of their father, bringing plenty of loud conversation and chaos with them.
“There’s a summer baseball league,” Grant said. “I’ll be old enough and I want to join.”
“Mom, I finished my math homework and I need you to check it.” Tommy dropped his backpack in the middle of the floor and sniffed. “Are we having chicken?” He spotted his brother. “Is Brandon’s uncle really bringing his SLK over tomorrow?”
“Yeah. We’re going to wax it.”
Tommy turned to her. “Mom, can I go with JJ to Brandon’s house to see the car?”
“Backpack upstairs,” she said. “Then wash your hands. Let’s talk about the car waxing later. Grant, get me the link to the camp and I’ll look it over with your dad.”
She managed to keep herself distracted until all three boys left the kitchen. Only then did she turn to Jaxsen.
He looked as he always did—tall and strong, with dark hair—but his usual ease was missing, which made her feel better. She was glad she wasn’t the only one who was nervous.
“Hi,” he said, holding out a bottle of wine. “I bought this because...” He cleared his throat. “Thanks for having me over for dinner.”
She thought about pointing out that if he hadn’t moved into his parents’ house, they wouldn’t be dealing with this right now, but then he would say he’d only done that because he wasn’t happy about her opening the business and they still hadn’t talked about whether or not he’d truly left their
marriage and what she was going to do if he had, which meant all she could say was, “You’re welcome.”
They smiled at each other.
“I’m sorry this is awkward,” he said. “I’ve been gone too long.”
“You kind of have.” She knew they didn’t have much time before the boys came back downstairs, but she had to ask, “Did you really leave me, Jaxsen? Did you leave us?”
“I moved in with my parents. I stayed in the basement. I didn’t even go out with my friends.”
“You’re not answering the question.”
“I was angry.” He grimaced. “No, I was scared. Honest to God, I don’t know why you put up with me. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, but I don’t make it easy. Yet, here you are. Why is that?”
Her gaze was steady. “You didn’t answer the question. Did you leave me?”
He hung his head. “Yes.”
“Why?”
“I wanted you to be scared, too.” He looked at her. “I’m not proud of that, but it’s the truth. I wanted you to suffer like I was. I wanted you to know what it felt like.”
She supposed the words could have hurt her, but they were oddly comforting. Jaxsen hadn’t wanted to get away—he’d wanted to teach her a lesson. Not the most mature, loving reaction to what was happening, but one that made sense. He’d been in pain and from his perspective, she’d caused it. So he wanted to punish her back.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “That was wrong of me.”
“Yes, it was. I wish you’d told me what you were feeling. I could have tried to explain things better. I never wanted you to feel that I was going to leave you.”
“I know that now.”
His petulant tone made her smile. “We’re not very good at this,” she admitted. “Being married, being supportive of each other. Communicating. Jaxsen, we need to go into couples’ counseling.”
His dark gaze met hers. “Do you still love me?”
“Of course. I never stopped loving you. Not loving you isn’t the problem. Do you still love me?”
In the second it took him to answer, she died a thousand deaths. But when he spoke, she felt restored.
Sisters by Choice Page 33
