“Yes. You’re my world.”
“Then we have to work to fix this. We have to do better. I’m not willing to simply go back to how things were. I didn’t know you’d left and while I understand the reasons, it hurts me that you would walk away from our marriage and not tell me.”
“I didn’t walk away, exactly.” He sighed. “You’re right. We need to do better.” His face brightened. “Maybe we could get a workbook or something from the library.”
She looked at him. “No.”
“Fine.”
The sound of feet thundering on the stairs interrupted them. Seconds later the boys burst into the kitchen and the moment was lost. Still, she thought progress had been made. At least she understood a little more now and as long as they got some help, she felt they could find their way to a better place than they’d been in before.
Dinner was the loud, happy event it always was, she thought as she watched her family. Funny how easily they fell back into the familiar. As everyone ate and talked, she wondered what would happen after they were finished. Would Jaxsen expect to move back in? Was she ready for that? And if he asked and she said no, would he understand why?
Even more complicated was the question of sex. Did he want to? Did she? Should they? Would that make things better or worse? It had been weeks and Jaxsen wasn’t a man who liked to go more than a couple of days without some kind of physical encounter. She wasn’t worried he’d been getting it somewhere else so much as she didn’t know if she should offer to—
To what? Did she even want to get naked with him when things were so unsettled? Shouldn’t they wait until they had a more clear understanding of how things were between them?
The realization that there was so much more to talk about made her uneasy and she couldn’t finish her dinner. She went through the motions, laughed when appropriate and tried to act as if everything was all right. The boys seemed to buy her act, but she caught Jaxsen watching her as if he sensed something was wrong.
Once the boys had cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher, Jaxsen sent them downstairs. When he and Kristine were alone, he said, “I can see the wheels turning. You’re upset.”
“No. Just confused. I’m glad we cleared up a few things, but there’s a lot more we need to deal with.”
“You’re right. There is. We should definitely go see a counselor. Our marriage is important to us and we need to develop some new skills.”
That was not very Jaxsen-like. “You’re sure?”
“I don’t love the idea, but I see the value of it.”
“Thank you.”
He held out his arms and she stepped into his embrace. He was warm and familiar and she’d missed the feel of him making her world right.
“We’ll get this,” he told her, rubbing his hands up and down her back. “Is it all right if I ask you to find us someone? I’ll do it if you want, but it’s harder for me to make and take calls during business hours.”
“I’ll start doing research tomorrow and get something set up.”
“I appreciate that.”
The slow, steady movements on her back began to arouse her. Jaxsen wasn’t the only one who had gone without for a long time. She might not be ready for him to move back in and pretend nothing had happened, but a little naked time might not be such a bad idea. They could—
He released her. “I should be going.”
What? “You’re leaving?”
He gave her a lopsided smile. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome. Thank you for dinner. It was perfect.” He leaned in and lightly kissed her mouth. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
The words were automatic as she still tried to process the fact that he was going to walk away without even trying to have sex with her. What was up with that?
Even as the question formed, she recognized that perhaps she was being slightly unfair. Not only couldn’t he read her mind, in her head, she also knew he was making the right decision. Having sex so soon would complicate an already difficult situation. But that didn’t mean she had to like it.
“Want to go out to brunch tomorrow?” he asked. “Maybe catch a movie after?”
She had a thousand things she needed to do, but decided they could wait. “I’d like that.”
“I’ll text you in the morning and we’ll figure out a time.”
Jaxsen went downstairs to say goodbye to the boys. She retreated to the family room where she curled up in a corner of the sofa. Her body was still humming but that would fade. More important was the fact that they’d made a decision to move forward with their marriage and to learn to do better with each other. A new and improved Jaxsen might take some getting used to but she had a feeling it would be worth it in the end.
As for herself, well, she wasn’t blameless. Every relationship required both parties to be fully responsible. She had a feeling that the counselor was going to tell her it was time for her to step up her game, as well.
Chapter Thirty
Heather wrestled with both guilt and the promise of freedom for nearly a week. She understood that staying was the easy choice—she would live as she always had. She would be trapped forever, but it was familiar.
Leaving meant the chance to be more, do more, but it also came with the risk of striking out on her own. She would be forced to find out if she was capable of being successful in college, in a job she loved. She would be assessed, critiqued, judged, all by people who didn’t know and love her.
She understood that in this moment of time, there was a door and she could walk through it or she could close it forever. There wasn’t a lot of middle ground. After wrestling with her two options, she came to the only conclusion she could and still have a chance to be the person she desperately wanted to be.
She dressed carefully for work and once she was at her desk, she emailed Elliot and asked if she could have a few minutes of his time.
When she knocked on his open door, he smiled at her. “Come in, Heather.”
She stepped inside, then closed the door behind her. She had a notepad with her salient points in one hand and a couple of tissues in the other. Her goal was not to cry, but she had a feeling she might get a little emotional and wanted to be prepared.
She sat on the edge of the visitor seat and drew in a breath. “I wanted to tell you that I’m going to be giving notice today.”
Elliot’s dark eyes were unreadable. “I see. May I ask why?”
“I need to get away. Off the island. It’s complicated but right now I feel as if I can break free. If I don’t go now, I never will.”
“Because of your mother?”
She nodded. “We had a big fight and she threw me out a few weeks ago. I’ve been staying with Sophie. If I go back, I’ll end up signing a lease on an apartment and I’ll be trapped. I don’t want that.” She pressed her lips together. “I know that doesn’t make sense to you. You’d be much stronger, but this is the best I can do.”
He leaned back in his chair. “You’re giving me more credit than I deserve. We all cave when it comes to our mothers. So what’s the plan?”
“I’m going to move to Boise. I’ll get a couple of jobs and rent a room somewhere, saving as much money as I can for college. When I’ve lived there a year, I’ll apply to Boise State. They have a good program and I’m excited to make it work.”
She wanted to say she knew Boise State wasn’t Michigan or Notre Dame or any other school on the list, but it was doable and right now that mattered a lot.
He studied her. As always, he was perfectly dressed in a tailored suit. He exuded confidence and competence. She wanted to be like that one day—a successful member of the marketing world. Doing her job well, respecting her fellow employees as she was respected by them.
She wanted financial success, too, but somehow that seemed a little less important than finding her
way.
“I’ll admit I’m disappointed,” he said.
Her eyes widened. “Why would you say that? I can’t stay here, Elliot. I can’t. I’ll be trapped forever.” She blinked to hold back tears. “I know it’s not New York or Chicago, but—”
He offered her a gentle smile. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m not disappointed you’re leaving, Heather. I’ll miss you, but you’re right. You need to get out of here, while you can. I meant that I wish I’d gotten my information together sooner so you wouldn’t have to decide.”
He pulled a thick folder out of his desk and pushed it toward her. “I hear Los Angeles is beautiful this time of year.”
She opened the folder and saw a letter of acceptance from USC.
“But I just sent in the application like a month ago. How could they have accepted me already?”
“Private institutions have different timetables,” he said with a shrug. “You can start in the fall. In the meantime, I know a professor there who has an over-the-garage apartment she rents out to students. The current tenant is moving in with her boyfriend, so it will be available by the end of the week. You’ll be safe there and you’ll have someone to watch out for you. Kelli is on staff at the medical school and she takes student welfare very seriously.”
She understood all the words, but they weren’t making sense. USC? It was a top school, but the cost was prohibitive.
She looked at him. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Then let me keep talking. You’ll need to apply for every grant and scholarship you can. I’m talking to a few people and I’ve pulled together tuition for the first year, but after that, you’re on your own. I have a few leads on summer jobs. You’ll want something part-time for the school year and—”
Heather burst into tears. No, not tears. Ugly, body-shaking sobs that made it impossible to breathe. She covered her face with her hands, unable to take it all in. Elliot quieted and put a box of tissues in front of her.
She grabbed a handful and tried to get control but she couldn’t. Every time she tried, she thought about what he was doing for her and started crying again.
Finally, she was able to catch her breath. She wiped her face and stared at him. “Why?”
“Because you work hard and deserve a chance to make something of yourself.”
“But there are a lot of people like that.”
“I don’t know them. I know you.”
More tears spilled down her cheeks. “I can never repay you.”
“I don’t want to be repaid. I want you to become your best self, then I want you to help someone else. That’s how it works, Heather. That’s how we make the world a better place. One person at a time.”
She nodded, then stood and walked around his desk. Elliot rose and she hugged him.
“Thank you so much. I won’t let you down, I swear.”
“I know, child. I know. Just promise to stay in touch. I want to hear about it all.”
* * *
Sophie glared at Elliot. “You’re making me look bad.”
He glanced up from his computer. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“That’s crap. You got Heather into USC and are paying for her first year of college? Why?”
He tilted his head. “Are you genuinely angry or more chagrined?”
She sank onto the visitor chair. “I’m not mad. You’re doing a good thing. She’s so excited, she’s practically floating.”
Heather had burst into her office to tell her the good news. While Sophie was happy for her, she also felt unsettled by the whole thing.
“It should be me,” she mumbled.
“Why isn’t it?”
“I don’t know. It’s hard for me to give people money.” Something she wanted to blame on Mark and Fawn. “My college roommate screwed me on the business and my ex took a ton. Plus, people are always asking for handouts. It puts me on edge. I’m cautious.” She might be buying Amber a condo—she hadn’t fully decided. Was a condo more impressive than a year of tuition at USC? She wasn’t sure. Besides, this wasn’t a competition. Or it shouldn’t be. Dammit, why couldn’t she be more normal?
“You pay your employees well,” Elliot pointed out, forcing her back to the conversation.
“That’s different. That’s an exchange. They do work, I pay them. But just handing over money... It’s hard.”
“It gets easier with practice.”
“Should I pay for some of Heather’s college?”
“It would be a nice gesture.”
“What if she doesn’t do well? What if she goofs off and skips classes and flunks out?”
“The food stamp argument,” he said. “Many people only want to offer food stamps if the recipient uses them the way the donor wants. You want to dictate what happens with your donation.”
“You say that like it’s bad. It’s my money.”
“Not after you give it away.”
“So you’re fine with whatever happens?”
He smiled. “My joy is in the giving. Once the money leaves my bank account, it’s not up to me anymore. I can’t control the other person or organization I’m giving to. Trying to do so ties me down.”
“That’s crazy.”
“Maybe to you. For me, it’s about letting go.”
“I don’t think I can let go that much.”
“It’s your choice.”
She sighed. “I don’t want to be a bad person.”
“You’re not.”
“Then why do I feel guilty about what you’re doing for Heather?”
“Because you could have done the same and you didn’t.”
“Ouch.”
“Just telling you what I think. If you came to see me for absolution, I can’t give you that. You have earned financial success. What you do with it is completely up to you. But here’s what I know, Sophie. Sometimes it feels good to share it with someone else.”
“I know that.”
“Then maybe you should live like it.”
She wanted to tell him she did, only she knew she didn’t. Sometimes she held on so tight, she thought she might snap in two. Letting go, whether with money or love or her business, was too hard.
“I don’t like introspection,” she admitted.
“I think we all know that about you.”
* * *
She was out of money. Kristine stared at the spreadsheet on her laptop screen and knew there was no getting around the truth. She’d spent more than she’d anticipated on her website and things like cookie sheets and other kitchen tools.
The mailing list she’d bought had been an amateur mistake, she thought with a sigh. It had been a massive, unplanned expense that could have waited, but she’d been so excited at the thought of it that she’d gone ahead without bothering to take the steps to see if she had enough money to pay for it.
Not only was her first lease payment coming due, she also still had to buy the raw materials necessary to make cookies and brownies to sell. In the next few days she was hoping to start getting orders on her website, and if that happened, she would burn through the packing materials she’d already bought. A quality problem, but still a problem. She owed money on the sign that would be installed next week and she was hoping to have a big grand opening party to officially launch the business. Right now she couldn’t afford paper cups to serve people a glass of water.
Kristine couldn’t believe she was barely a month in and she was already scrambling. She’d been so careful with her business plan—she’d checked and double-checked and even Sophie had said her numbers looked good. Which all sounded great but didn’t change the fact that she needed an influx of cash—significant cash—and fast.
Ten thousand would get her where she needed to be. Fifteen would be better because then she would have a
buffer against more unexpected expenses. It wasn’t as if she had that much simply lying around, tucked like loose change under a sofa cushion.
There was the line of credit, but she really didn’t want to use that. She and Jaxsen were in a delicate place right now. The last thing she wanted to do was create tension between them by using that money. Sophie was an option. Maybe. If she asked for a loan rather than a gift. She could draw up a payment plan so it was legally binding.
Kristine thought about the used SUVs she’d looked at online. Selling her nearly new one and replacing it with an older, less fancy vehicle netted her maybe five thousand. Not enough and, again, something Jaxsen wouldn’t like.
She pushed her laptop away and put her arms on the desk, then rested her head on her arms. “I’m a failure,” she murmured aloud, wishing she’d planned better.
She went upstairs to the kitchen to pour herself another cup of coffee. Maybe the jolt of caffeine would help her brainstorm some brilliant solution. Maybe—
She heard a car in the driveway and looked out the window. Jaxsen was backing an open trailer next to her SUV. What on earth? Why would he need a trailer?
Her entire body went cold. Was he taking his things?
Even as the thought formed, she pushed it away. No. She wasn’t going to jump to some horrible conclusion. She and Jaxsen weren’t splitting up. They’d just talked about making their marriage better. They had a counseling appointment Thursday night. He wouldn’t be moving out.
He walked into the kitchen. “I thought you’d be at the store. I wanted to surprise you later.”
“Surprise me with what?”
He shrugged. “I know you’re out of money. I still have the paperwork you gave me when you wanted to talk about starting the business. I know there were extra costs. The dishwasher and supplies. Plus, Tommy told me you’d bought a mailing list. I don’t know much about that, but I’m guessing it’s expensive.”
She felt herself flush as she fought against the need to defend herself. Jaxsen wasn’t here to attack her—she had to believe that. If she didn’t, then they had nothing.
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