Finding Grace

by K. L. Slater

  ‘I should say there is.’ He rolled his eyes whenever I said it, and teased me. ‘In one short sentence you manage to be so effortlessly reductive of the world’s finest scientific minds, my dear.’

  ‘Grace asked me something earlier.’ Blake interrupted my thoughts. He’d raised his voice a little, and I knew he was trying to distract his mother from saying something so offensive I wouldn’t be able to hold my tongue. ‘As she says, she’s nine now, and she wondered if—’

  ‘Not the walking home alone thing again.’ I scowled. ‘Why can’t she just let it go?’

  Nadine had opened her mouth to speak when there was a scream from the field.

  ‘Grace has fallen off her horse!’ someone yelled.

  I dropped my cup and rushed over to the fence. Blake was two steps in front of me, Nadine lagging behind us. When we got there, the riding instructor was bent over our daughter.

  Blake scaled the fence easily and was the first to get to Grace.

  ‘Is she OK?’ I yelled breathlessly, clambering over after him. ‘Grace?’

  ‘She’s fine.’ Blake glanced up from where he was crouching next to our daughter.

  I looked down and saw that her wet eyes were folded in on themselves. Her face was covered in a fine sheen of perspiration, and I spotted the telltale paleness of her skin right away.

  ‘She’s having a sugar low!’ I plunged my hand into my anorak pocket and pulled out the small tube of glucose tablets I carried with me everywhere. I popped one into Grace’s mouth and her eyes flickered open to look at me. ‘Chew it quickly, poppet.’

  The instructor looked at me, alarmed.

  ‘She’s a Type 1 diabetic,’ I explained. ‘Sorry, I should have mentioned it when we booked. She’s had breakfast, but her blood sugar must’ve dropped with all the exercise and excitement.’

  The instructor lightly touched her own chest. ‘Phew, that was a bit of a scare. She just turned around to talk to the group behind and slipped.’

  I nodded. ‘Her concentration disappears when she has a low episode, but the glucose tablets bring her back to normal levels really quickly.’

  As if to prove a point, Grace propped herself up on her elbows and gave me a weak smile.

  ‘Feeling better now, chick?’

  She nodded, her face still pale. ‘Can I get back on my horse now?’

  ‘I think this might be a good time to break for party food,’ the instructor remarked. ‘Thank goodness she’s OK. Panic over.’

  I smiled my agreement and watched as Blake helped a slightly shaken Grace to her feet. The rest of the onlookers had gathered behind us. When I turned, everyone looked relieved, nodding and saying reassuringly that I shouldn’t worry, Grace was fine, which was true.

  Still, I felt really sick.

  Ten minutes later, Grace was the one cradling a small cup of hot chocolate in her hands. It served as a pleasant way to further boost her blood sugar levels and was a real treat, as usually she had to stay away from sugary drinks and snacks.

  They’d brought the registered first-aider in to check her over; she said Grace had bumped her head but she was satisfied there were no worrying signs of impact.

  The girls all sat in the party lounge at a table festooned with colourful paper plates and tethered balloons bearing the number 9. Tinny-sounding party tunes played in the background. Blake and I stood next to Grace and her friend Olivia, with Olivia’s parents Bev and Mike, who also happened to be our closest friends.

  ‘Don’t let it spoil your day, sweetie,’ I told Grace.

  ‘I’ve not had a low for ages and then it happens on my birthday,’ Grace said crossly. ‘And now my head hurts and my horse will think I don’t like her.’

  ‘I nearly fell off last week, Grace,’ Olivia said sweetly. ‘It’s no big deal, and anyway, who cares, because we get to go to Alton Towers tomorrow!’

  She managed to raise the first genuine smile from Grace.

  ‘After a day at Alton Towers, I’m guessing me and Bev will be in bed before these two tomorrow night.’ Mike grimaced.

  ‘Oh, you’ll be done for, mate. No doubt about that.’ Blake grinned in agreement.

  Grace and Olivia bent their heads together for a second or two before looking up at us.

  ‘Muumm,’ Grace whined. ‘When we get back from Alton Towers, can I walk home from Livvy’s house on my own?’ Before I could begin my usual response, explaining all the reasons why that was still not a good idea, she continued with her bid for freedom. ‘I’m nine now, and Olivia’s allowed to the shop on her own to buy sweets, aren’t you, Livvy?’

  Olivia nodded.

  I knew the shop they meant. It was a small Nisa store about halfway between our two homes on Violet Road, managed by tubby Mr Jaspreet and his lovely wife Meena. Grace and I often had a wander down there if I’d run out of bread or milk, and somehow I always ended up buying her one of those ridiculously expensive comics with a free cute toy attached to it.

  ‘Her dad watches her there and back, she just doesn’t realise it,’ Bev told me from behind her hand. ‘We could do something similar… if you want to let her walk up.’

  ‘Pleease, Mum.’ Grace rubbed her sore head, sensing weakness now. ‘I’ll be fine. I’m nine now!’

  ‘What’s all this about walking home?’ Nadine fiddled with the gold buttons on the cuffs of her black wool coat as she gravitated towards us, her interest piqued.

  ‘It’s just from her friend’s house, Mum. Grace maintains she’s too old now for Lucie or me to walk back home with her.’ Blake looked at me beseechingly. ‘She reckons it’s cramping her style.’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘I don’t know, Blake. I think—’

  ‘Nine is too young, in my opinion. Ten, perhaps,’ Nadine remarked sternly. ‘In fact, if I remember correctly, I think Liberty was at senior school before Aisha would consider it. She’s such a competent mother, handles Liberty so well when she tries to push the boundaries.’

  I turned to my husband and saw that he’d noted the sparks flashing in my eyes.

  ‘Do you know, Blake,’ I said pleasantly, ‘I think Grace is sensible enough to make a five-minute walk on her own now.’

  ‘Yesss!’ Grace and Olivia high-fived together and it was smiles all round, my daughter’s headache seemingly forgotten.

  Apart from Nadine, that was. My mother-in-law looked like she was chewing on a wasp.

  Five

  You really couldn’t blame anyone for taking her at face value. Standing there today at the party, watching her lovely daughter and playing the perfect mother and wife.

  Clever enough to fool even those closest to her. She seems so plausible, so decent… and yet both she and I know that’s not the case.

  We’re the only ones who know it, although she hasn’t got a clue I’m aware of who she really is.

  She’s done well for herself, I’ll give her that. Ambitious, good-looking husband, two cute kids, a boy and a girl – although the baby isn’t here today, of course. She doesn’t need to work, and lives in a nice area.

  I know her routine inside out.

  Oh yes, she’s carved a reasonable life out of the unspeakable chaos she left behind her all those years ago.

  I’ve known about her past for a long, long time. It’s been hell to get so close and keep so quiet, but I knew I had to wait. I wasn’t sure what for; I just knew there would come a time, an opportunity to set things straight, remind her of the awful truth she’s tried so hard to bury.

  She nearly succeeded, too, in erasing the evidence.

  I suppose, if my own life had taken a different path, if I hadn’t dug around a little, acted on my instincts, events would have blurred and eventually merged into a history that could be forgotten.

  I’ve been close to confronting her so many times, but now I know there couldn’t be a better time for me to act.

  It would be easy to rush, but I’ve waited too long for that. I’m going to take my time, make sure everything runs like clockwork.
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  Then I’ll sit back and watch her very carefully constructed life fall to pieces around her.

  That moment can’t come soon enough.

  Six

  Lucie

  Before: Sunday morning

  The morning after the party, I was thoroughly spoiled. Blake insisted I stopped in bed another hour while he got up early to look after Oscar and get Grace ready for her outing.

  I pulled my robe around me, turned off the lamps and popped across the landing into the bathroom. What a luxury, to actually take my time going to the loo without rushing to get back to Oscar, or being interrupted by Grace walking in.

  I glanced in the mirror and wished I hadn’t before padding back across the bedroom to open the curtains. It looked like another cold day out there, but with a blue sky, just like we were lucky enough to get at the party yesterday. I loved this sort of pre-spring weather.

  Before Blake was elected as a councillor, we sometimes used to wrap up on mornings like this and walk by the river after taking Grace to school. There never seemed to be the time to do that now.

  A movement below the window caused me to peer down. Jeffery from next door was in his front garden, waving up at me. I nodded and raised my hand, just so he couldn’t tell Blake I’d been rude – which he had been known to do on occasion, as if I was a kid – then turned away, shuddering as I stepped back from the glass.

  Not even eight o’clock yet and he was already out there, pulling up invisible weeds. I swear he did it just to keep tabs on what people were up to on the street. He must have left the party early last night, as we made sure we said goodbye to everyone there but I don’t remember seeing him hanging around outside, as he was earlier in the day.

  I got back into bed and lay on my back listening to my husband and daughter banging around downstairs looking for everything she needed for her trip.

  I smiled as I imagined them searching for Grace’s other training shoe, or her gloves, which always seemed to separate the second she walked in the door. I waited for the eternal cry, which I was certain would come at any moment: ‘Muum…’

  But to my astonishment, she didn’t yell, and after about twenty minutes, they all trooped back upstairs.

  I took baby Oscar from Blake’s arms and propped him up next to me in bed with pillows. He gurgled, shaking his favourite yellow rattle.

  Grace sat on the edge of the bed to eat her cereal.

  ‘How’s that bumped head feel now?’ I asked, flicking the rattle to keep Oscar engaged.

  ‘Fine. Olivia says that once you’re twelve, you’re allowed to get into Alton Towers on your own,’ Grace remarked as she loaded her spoon with Shreddies. ‘We’ll just need a lift there and back then. No need for any adults to stay with us.’

  ‘That’s three years away yet,’ I remarked drily. ‘Looks like you’ll be stuck with us for a while longer, chick.’

  She suddenly seemed desperate to have complete autonomy. It was probably just her age; I remembered it as a difficult time, stuck between being a child and a pre-teen.

  I glanced over to the doorway, where Blake stood tapping furiously on his phone, texting again. He literally never stopped. If he was awake, you could guarantee he’d be on that bloody phone.

  He looked up and saw me watching. He slipped the phone into the back pocket of his jeans, winking at me when I frowned.

  ‘You’re walking home on your own later, Gracie-bob, what more do you want?’ he said.

  I sighed, still uncomfortable with our decision to allow her the increased freedom.

  ‘She’ll be fine, won’t you, cherub?’ Blake said reassuringly.

  ‘Of course I will. It’s no big deal, Mum,’ Grace added. ‘Loads of people in my class walk to school on their own now.’

  I shook my head firmly at Blake behind her back. There was no way I was going to be talked into letting her do that, with two busy roads to cross.

  ‘Who were you texting this early in the day?’ I said lightly.

  ‘Oh, just replying to a couple of messages that I didn’t get around to last night.’ Blake checked his watch. ‘Eat up then, Grace. They’ll be here to pick you up in a few minutes.’

  ‘Yesss!’ Grace scooped one more spoonful of cereal into her mouth and then dumped the half-eaten breakfast on my bedside table.

  Blake helped her on her outdoor clothing and soon she was a blaze of colour in a bright pink coat and red bobble hat, with her yellow knitted gloves sticking out of her pocket.

  ‘Alton Towers will see you coming in that get-up,’ I joked.

  Grace nodded happily. ‘See you, Mum.’

  ‘See you later, sweetie. Love you lots.’ I wrapped my arms around her as she leaned forward for a kiss. ‘Be careful walking home later.’

  ‘Yes, Mum,’ she groaned, heading for the door. ‘I’m nine years old now. Remember?’

  ‘How could I forget? Oh, and Grace?’

  She looked back at me.

  ‘Got a kiss for your brother?’

  She huffed and plodded back to the bed, clumsily landing a kiss on the top of the baby’s head. Oscar responded with an ear-piercing squeal and a gummy grin as he shook the rattle harder than ever.

  Blake smiled and followed her downstairs. A few minutes later, I heard the door open and close. In no time at all, he bounded back up to the bedroom.

  ‘And relax… she’s gone. Peace for the day!’

  I nodded to our son. ‘Well… sort of.’

  ‘Fancy brunch at Copper at ten?’

  ‘Lovely.’ I snuggled further down under the quilt, feeling deliciously indolent. Oscar squeaked and whacked me on the head with his rattle. ‘Oww!’ I smiled lazily at Blake. ‘That’s another two hours yet. You could set Oscar’s new mobile going in his cot, so we can have a five-minute cuddle…’

  He pressed his lips together. ‘There’s nothing I’d love more, Luce, you know that. But I…’

  My heart sank and I wished I hadn’t hinted at making love. I knew I looked like shit. I’d felt too tired to remove my eye make-up last night and now resembled a panda. Plus, my hair was desperate for a wash and was sticking out at all angles.

  I covered up my embarrassment by turning it back on him.

  ‘Who have you agreed to run around for now?’

  ‘Oh, just a favour for a colleague. I promised Steph Lawson yesterday that I’d check in on her mother first thing. She’s had some kind of virus and is really weak at the moment, and poor Steph’s at a conference all weekend.’

  The last time I saw poor Steph Lawson, she was done up like a dog’s dinner and simpering over Blake at the Council House ball.

  ‘Well don’t be long.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘You know, you’re just a big softy, Councillor Sullivan. The one morning we don’t have to get up and watch Disney videos, and you go and find yourself another blooming job to do.’

  ‘I know, I’m hopeless. Sorry.’

  He kissed me and I kissed him back, just to show there were no hard feelings, and he ruffled Oscar’s fuzzy hair.

  When he’d gone, I tried to savour the relative silence. Oscar was gurgling, but it still felt strange because there was no television blaring out from the lounge, or singing or stomping of Grace’s feet.

  I often craved a bit of time to sit quietly, like I used to do before having the kids. Yet only a few minutes after Grace and Blake had left, I started to miss the sounds that usually filled the house. Our daughter was such a bundle of energy, a joy, and I absolutely loved her to bits.

  She’d been a good little helper since Oscar was born too, although I’d noticed lately that the initial novelty of having a brand-new baby brother seemed to be waning. At first she’d jump up to fetch and carry at the first sign I needed anything. Now, she sometimes had a little grumble to herself if I asked her to help.

  It was possible she was feeling a bit left out, which was one of the reasons I’d agreed to my dad looking after Oscar yesterday.

  Just recently, I’d been thinking about looking around
locally for a little part-time job. Nothing too complicated, just a few hours when Grace was at school and hopefully Dad could have Oscar.

  Lots of the mums at the weekly playgroup I took Oscar to came dressed in their smart office clothes. After the session, they never hung around for a chat; just grabbed their babies and bolted out to drop them off with a relative or a childminder so they could go to work.

  I wasn’t judging them; needs must. We could really do with the extra money a part-time job would bring, but up to now, Blake and I both felt it was more important for me to be with the kids. Maybe I’d raise it with Blake, see what he thought.

  I lay on my side, picked up Oscar’s little tiger toy and waved it in front of his face. He always seemed particularly delighted with this game, his little body jerking with excitement each time he dropped the toy, in anticipation that it would magically reappear within seconds.

  I felt guilty looking at his beautiful bright face as I thought back to how devastated I was when I found out I was pregnant last year. It was a total rookie mistake I’d made, too.

  Blake and I had always planned to have two children, but after Grace was born, it never seemed to be the right time to try again, for one reason or another: lack of money, lack of space in our old house, my frequent attacks of anxiety… We kept putting it off, and in what seemed like no time at all, Grace had turned five and started school.

  Then Blake became engrossed in his plans to run for councillor at some future point, and with Grace at school, it seemed a big leap to go back to having a newborn around. I went back on the pill and we just settled gratefully for what we had, without really discussing it at length.