The People vs. Cashmere 2

by Karen P. Williams

  Chapter 22

  Cashmere

  Dead.

  Just as Demarco was dead all my days, hell, my body seemed to be the same. It was crazy. How I was supposed to go on without that man when I loved him so much? Each night, I went to sleep and each day I woke up there was a constant ache in my chest and a lump in my throat. It never seemed to go away. It traveled with me throughout my days.

  It had been over three months that had passed since he had died. The burial was so hard for me to get through even though I got drunk right before and even that didn’t help me. It was still hard. I wished to God that my father was there. He didn’t have the power to bring him back but he would have been more welcomed than my fucking self-righteous mother. My daughter had grown so distant from me. The only one I could really count on for support was Bev. In fact, she was the one who got me out of my bed and had me working again. I mean it wasn’t like I had any choice in the matter at all. For the past month, every Tuesday through Saturday she would come and pick me up. The first couple times I refused and talked shit, saying, “I’m grown, Bev. I don’t need to go to the fucking shop.”

  “Well if you fucking grown act like it and get out of this fucking bed!” she had yelled back at me. Unlike my mother I wouldn’t even dream of yelling back at Bev because she had been more of a mother to me than my own mama.

  “Hell, Cashmere. You thinking staying in this bed is going to make your situation better it’s not. You’ll never be able to heal from this shit if you don’t go back to your normal life. And now we short at the Compton shop so bring your ass. You got five minutes to come out here.”

  And so I did, talking shit all the way.

  I mean it did keep me busy. And if in moments I needed to break down I could go in Bev’s office and do just that. It was kind of hard being at the shop in Compton with her because there were so many memories of Demarco there because that was the place where I met him. So no matter what I did it always brought me back to him. But I figured it couldn’t be worse than the house. His smell still lingered there. And I suppose since he has been to all the shops working at one verses the other wouldn’t make me hurt less. But what I had at the Compton shop versus the Inglewood shop was the support of Bev. And I needed her support now more than ever.

  And this morning was no different. Bev was in my driveway. Despite the fact that my stomach was cramping like crazy from the night before and carried over to today she still pressed the issue that I go. And since it was keeping me busy I went. I knew I couldn’t wither away and die. Although most of the time I wanted to.

  I remembered Mrs. Hope had always told me to not run from the pain; run toward it. I was struggling to do that these past few months but by me going back to work I was making a small effort. The next thing for me was to have reunification with my child. I thanked God that the worse thing she did was going to that strip club. But it was right before Demarco had died so I didn’t fully discipline her like I normally would have. Normally would have? What was I talking about? I never really had to punish my child because she had always been a good kid. But I knew she must have gone on a dare with her friend and it was probably because mentally and emotionally I had checked out with my chasing after Demarco and then grieving over his death. And I didn’t feel good about it. I prayed my daughter didn’t grow to hate me like I grew to hate my mom. I mean I never abandoned Dominique, all her basic needs were met; I just wasn’t involved like I normally was. But if I could pull out of this I knew I would revert to the mother I used to be just a few short months ago.

  I sighed and continued to sew the hair into the hair net of the client I was working on. Eric Roberson was blasting through the speakers in the shop.

  “How’s your stomach feeling?” Bev yelled out of her office.

  “Still cramping,” I said.

  I figured my period was probably coming. I knew I was stressing super hard since Demarco had left and it hadn’t come the previous month. And it was probably going to be really heavy. But Bev always told me it was better to stay active on your menstruation.

  When I finished the client I went into Bev’s office and sat down. She was writing something but looked up and said, “What’s up, Cash?”

  “Do you have an aspirin?”

  She pulled a bottle out of one of her desk drawers and handed it to me. They were Motrin. I grabbed two out and poured some water from her Arrowhead dispenser. I dropped the two pills down my throat and washed them down with the cold water.

  “Still cramping?”

  “Shit yes.”

  “You think maybe it’s not your period? When you finish do you want to go to the docs?”

  “No. I think my period is coming; you know I always had that problem of being irregular when I’m under stress. My doctors have told me time and time again not to stress. I never listen. But I’m so glad you forced me out of bed and to work. I’m not saying my life is great; it hasn’t been great in a long time even when Demarco was alive. But I, honestly since he left, couldn’t imagine another day let alone future without him and for the past few months I have been living in misery. I really wanted to die. I almost started cutting again. I’m so glad I didn’t. And while my days right now aren’t all sunny, since I’ve been getting my ass up and coming to work they ain’t been as dark as they have been. Thanks, Bev. For the first time in a long time I actually have hope that I can heal from this.”

  “No problem, honey. I know and that’s why I’m so glad that you’re back to working even if I gotta drag you out of bed and bring your behind here. I know that Cash is unbreakable but you just needed to be reminded.”

  I chuckled.

  “And you smiling again?”

  “What can I say? Crazy Bev has always had that affect on me.”

  She chuckled. “So in all of this that has been going on, how is Dom?”

  “In all actuality, you know what’s so crazy and disappointing to me? What I learned about myself. Bev, I as a parent have been fucking up. I was so hell-bent on chasing after Demarco when he left that I put that in front of Dominique. I started to feel like I’m not all that different from my mother. I haven’t been cooking and really checking on her like I normally do as a parent. And I want to fix that. I plan on going home and making her favorite meal and sitting her down to talk.”

  “Dominique is a good kid so I’m sure she is fine and will understand.”

  I took a deep breath and admitted to Bev how I had found out that Dominique was in a strip club.

  “No, she shouldn’t have had her behind in there. But Dom is a good kid. You don’t see no crazy videos of her twerking, smoking drugs, having sex and doing crazier stuff. Now when you see shit like that then you know it’s time to worry. But she has never been a bad kid. She probably was just curious is all. That just means you have to buckle down and stay on her. But, Cash, don’t be so hard yourself. We all make mistakes. You been through a lot in your life and you still managed to be a good wife and a good mother. In my opinion, you will get over this in its entirety when you realize that you are not to blame for Demarco leaving or his death.

  “I can’t put my finger on it but I wholeheartedly feel that Dominique not being his was not why he acted like he hated you or even why he left. What I believe is that it had more to do with him than you or Dominique. Thing is you can’t give up on your life because he left.

  “And yes, you neglected Dom lately but it’s understandably so. But you didn’t do the shit your mother did. You have always been stronger than her. So don’t even begin to compare yourself to that woman ever. I know she has come a long way, Cashmere, but I can’t help but feel that a lot of shit you had to deal with you wouldn’t have to had she stood up as a woman and as a mother. But I’m not telling you this so you can get angry at your mom or throw blame her way. Who has times for grudges anyway? I’m telling you that so you can see you need to not beat yourself up. Makes sense?”

  “Yeah. You always do. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know ho
w I would have gotten through then and how I could get through now. So I thank you for that.”

  “What are second moms for? I’m always here for you.”

  I gave another smile. “Okay. I’m feeling okay right now but be aware that come midnight, when I roll over and the chest I’ve rested my face on since I was eighteen is not there I may call you whooping and hollering. I mean I’m not saying that the pain is not lessening with each day. But even when I have my okay moments the pain sometimes has a way to creeping back in and being so fucking intense.”

  “If you need to call me, call me. I don’t care what time it is.”

  She walked over to me and gave me a hug.

  I hugged her back.

  Chapter 23

  Dominique

  “You tested positive for syphilis.”

  I gasped at the nurse practitioner in front of me who said that. Even though Meka told me STDs were nothing to worry about and that she said she had all of them before except for herpes, genital warts, and AIDS, I didn’t care. Syphilis was serious and scary to me. I remember in my health class, my teacher said it can make you blind, paralyzed, and even crazy. I didn’t want that. To not be able to see again made my heart skip a beat just the thought of it. I wasn’t strong enough to live my life blind. I normally used a condom with the men I had sex with. But a couple times I knew the condom ended up breaking, and a couple times men like Meka’s client forced me to have sex with them without one. And the whole time I was doing it with Mr. Douglas he never used a condom.

  If my mother only knew. But luckily I went to the free clinic that Meka told me about called Curtis R. Tucker Health Care Center on Manchester. So my mother would not know about this! At the clinic you could get birth control and STD testing and it was free. I was glad she gave me the information about the clinic but ever since Meka had attacked me and made me do something I regretted I didn’t think I could ever look at her the same. I could never warm back up to her. I had lied to my mom that the busted lip Meka had given me was a result of getting hit in the face with a basketball. She had bought it or maybe she plain out didn’t care. But since my mom was the type who at the drop of a hat was willing to fight I figured she believed my story. And she looked really concerned when she saw it. Lately my mother seemed a little more attentive to me. But it changed nothing about how I felt about her and how I saw her.

  The nurse handed me a paper cup and some pills. “Take these. They should cure you and do not have sex for seven days.”

  “Okay,” I said quietly.

  “Are you on a birth control?”

  “Yes,” I lied. I just wanted to get out of there.

  The lady gave me a doubtful look. I gave a small smile and looked away.

  “Okay. You’re done.” She handed me some pamphlets. “Here is some information on safe sex. Make sure you read it because the next time it might not be an STD. You may end up contracting HIV, in the world we live in, young lady. So be careful.”

  “I will. Thanks.”

  She grunted and started writing something down in a file. I left and quickly walked to the parking structure and got in Meka’s car.

  She dropped me off at the corner of my house and I walked the rest of the way so it didn’t look like I was with her. When I got home, I was surprised to smell food cooking and it smelled really good. My first reaction was that my grandma was probably there. But when I walked into the kitchen, I was surprised to see that it was my mom standing behind the stove. She was bent over it and, with mittens on, was lifting a pan out of the oven. When she felt my presence she turned around.

  She smiled when she saw me. “Hey, baby,” she said. She looked happier and more upbeat. I remembered how in the past, when my mom smiled at me, it always made my day. She always had this way of making me feel loved and like I was the most important thing in her world. Now to know what I knew about her, to know how she had been lying to me all of my life, now when she smiled at me I felt nothing. Funny. I didn’t even know if I loved my mom anymore. Sounds crazy but I’d have rather it be her locked up than my daddy. At least he was always honest with me. My mother allowed me to love a man I didn’t belong to and a man who hated me and all along she knew. I wanted to say, “Screw you, Mom,” when she said, “Hey, baby.” But instead I just gave her a fake smile and said, “Hey, Mom.”

  “How was school, baby?”

  I couldn’t think of the last time she had asked me that. School meant nothing to me anymore because it had meant nothing to her anymore. I went and performed like a robot. Did my work and went to work with Meka.

  I watched her grimace. I started to ask her if she was okay. But I didn’t really care at this point.

  “Man, these cramps are killing me.”

  “Oh really?” I secretly prayed my period would come soon. The pregnancy test I took at the clinic came up negative. But still. They were not 100 percent accurate.

  “Listen, I know it’s been crazy lately. And I’ve been completely out of character, with Demarco leaving and then passing away. It’s . . .” Her eyes got watery. “It’s been hard. But I’m slowly trying to get things back in order. I want you to know that I’m really sorry for neglecting you and your needs. No one is more important to me than you are, Dominique.” She searched my eyes I guess to see if what she was saying was registering. It was but I found it hard to believe that I was ever first in her life. Demarco was. But still, I went along with what she was saying.

  “I understand, Mom. It’s okay.”

  My mom looked satisfied at my words that we could rebuild our relationship. She walked around the table and gave me a hug. She then gently turned my face toward hers so she could study my mouth. “Is it still hurting?”

  “No, it’s fine.”

  “Now you sure it was a basketball? ’Cause if someone is messing with my child you already know.”

  I gave a fake laugh and my mother chuckled. “I promise, Mom, it was a basketball.”

  “Okay.” She went back to what she was doing.

  A few minutes later, we ate dinner and my mom tried to engage me in a conversation. I participated though, pretended it was like old times. A couple times, I saw her glance at where Demarco normally sat. Sadness washed over her eyes. Then she shook her head and gave a smile like she was redirecting her thoughts.

  “Hey. I made a lemon cake, too. Want me to cut us both pieces and we can watch a scary movie?”

  I really didn’t want to but I agreed because my mom looked really pitiful. “Okay, Mom.”

  “Okay. Why don’t you throw a DVD in while I cut the cake?”

  “Okay.” I jumped up and went into the living room. I shoved The Amityville Horror into the DVD player. My mom came back with two pieces of lemon cake.

  “I gave you a big hunk,” she said chuckling and handing me a plate with a tall glass of milk.

  “Thanks, Mom,” I said with my pasted smile.

  She then sat down next to me with hers in hand. I saw her grimace in pain and assumed it was from the cramps. “My period will probably be here tomorrow; that’s probably why I’m craving something sweet.” I watched her dip into her cake and I dipped into mine. I played my mother’s game but it really changed nothing. Meka was going to pick me up tonight to work and I was still anxiously awaiting another letter from my father.

  Chapter 24

  Cashmere

  The next morning, I had a cramp so sharp I screamed. My body felt really weird. I sat up in the bed and pulled the covers back. I saw blotches of a brownish-like fluid on the sheets. I instantly had the urge to poop. I stood from the bed and headed toward my bathroom. But before I could get there, a cramp hit me that had me doubling over in pain. I struggled taking another step. Something was not right. I felt like something was pushing out of me. “Dominique!” I called. But when I looked at my clock on the wall I saw it was after seven and she was gone to school. I had to get to the hospital.

  I needed to call Bev.

  I grabbed the home phone off the
nightstand. I moaned low in my throat as the pain continued to pulsate through me. I dialed Bev’s number. She answered on the third ring.

  “Hey, when you come to pick me up I need you to take me to the hospital. Something is not right.”

  “I’ll be there in a couple minutes!” she said.

  As I waited for Bev, the urge to go was still there. I struggled to get to the bathroom as the feeling of having to poop got more drastic by the minute. I sat on the toilet and pushed down, but the harder I pushed the harder it was to have a bowel movement; instead, I felt my vaginal walls stretching then something slipping out of me. I gasped and looked in the toilet bowl! I screamed and my eyes were wide. It was an embryo! As the remains of it slid out of me I felt heat rush my entire body, and became so lightheaded I collapsed right there on the toilet.

  I woke up to an IV in my arm and the sound of beeping. My eyes fluttered open and once my eyes focused I saw I was in a hospital room.

  What the hell?

  I heard feet shift. I saw Bev and my mother were seated in the hospital room, near my bed. I sighed and memories of what happened to me flooded my head. I remember waking up and being in pain, and seeing a dead embryo in the toilet. Man, that shit was so crazy. It had to be a fucking nightmare. That shit could not be real and I was going to find out now.

  “Hey, baby,” my mom said with a smile.

  I ignored her. Her smiled dropped at my disdain.

  “How you feeling, Cash?” Bev asked.

  “Not too good.” I tried to stretch and was hit with sharp pains in my abdomen. I winced from the pain.

  “Okay,” I said evenly. “Tell me something: was what slid out of me a baby?”

  They both looked perplexed. Like they both didn’t know what to say.

  “Yes, baby. You had a miscarriage. And you hemorrhaged. The baby was seventeen weeks.”

  I closed my eyes and a rush of pain hit me. I couldn’t even move as tears seemed to flood my face. I could not describe the pain that I felt. Here all I ever needed to save my fucking marriage was all this time living inside of me? And I didn’t know it! My husband had left me and was now dead. And the baby! The last piece of him was dead as well. I didn’t know what else to do so I snatched the IV out of me and got out of the bed. “I’m so fucking tired of this shit!”