True to My Heart

by Christine L'Amour

  I didn't even know if Eliza had come into the house. I'm emotionally drained from everything. I don't want to deal with anything at all.

  It’s not until morning when the sun is shining promising a better day that I hear a commotion in the hallway.

  “What is going on out there?” I shout, getting out of bed and throwing my door open so fast that the doorknob hits the wall.

  I see Kevin and Eliza arguing in the hallway. I can see that her eyes are red. It doesn’t take me long to see that Kevin is trying to convince her to go back home. To start over again.

  “How did he know that I lived here?” I glare at Eliza, wondering if she’s already made her decision to go.

  Is she the one who called him? Did she beg him to come and get her? I’m so mad, but I don’t accuse anyone of anything. I want to know from their mouths what’s going on.

  "I never knew that you were a rich bitch until I drove up and saw you guys yesterday morning. I didn't know that Eliza here could have such a soft spot for another woman," he sneers at me.

  Eliza has done nothing wrong. I'm glad that I didn't open my mouth and accuse her of anything. That would’ve driven her right back into his arms in a blink of an eye.

  Chapter Eighteen

  "You can't make her go if she doesn't want to," I tell Kevin, not caring what he saw or what he didn't see.

  "You can't tell me that nothing is going on with the two of you. I know that there is by the way she was looking at you yesterday. I bet you didn't know that I was at the party the other night either. It stated that it was open to anyone. I never dreamed that you would be from high class seeing you out on the streets." He grins at me.

  I didn’t think that I had to look around my own home to see if someone was here that shouldn’t have been.

  "I want you out of here," I tell him, pointing down the stairs.

  He starts toward them with Eliza’s bags.

  "Drop them!" I order him.

  I see Alex standing at the bottom of the stairs. Our voices have carried, and I can see that he’s just waiting for me to tell him when he can kick this creep out.

  “Alex, I think that he needs help finding his way out of my house.” I nod my head.

  Alex comes up the stairs quickly and Kevin looks slightly scared. His dark hair is frazzled. It looks like he hasn’t slept in days.

  Neither of the men speaks to each other as Alex takes him firmly by the arm.

  "I didn't know that he was going to come here. He wants me to come back to him. He's been messaging me for the past few days," Eliza whispers to me when I hear the door open and Alex shoves him out before slamming it tightly, locking it behind him.

  “Do you want to go back to him?” I ask her, not looking directly into her eyes because I don’t want to see any regrets of being here.

  The silence is too much for me to bare. I turn and walk back into my room, as if she's not there at all.

  A few minutes later, I hear Eliza's door slam.

  How could she want him back? After all that he’d done to her, playing head games with her and showing her that it’s okay to treat her the way he wants to?

  I want to be mad at her. I think I'm mad at myself though because it seems that I've been doing the same thing. At least in her mind. Eliza stated that last night, I wasn't listening because I was wrapped in my own head with my own problems.

  I open my door and walk into her room without knocking. The bags are still in the hall. If she wanted to leave, she would’ve already done it.

  “If you don’t want to stay, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to either. Not after the way that I’ve been treating you,” I whisper to her, going to the bed and lying beside her.

  I don't touch her. I make no attempt to reach her and we both stare up at the ceiling. The way we used to when she was hurting. There were no words to comfort her.

  I look at her from time to time and see the tears slowly spilling down her cheeks. I want to brush them away, but I know that she needs to let them flow free.

  “If it makes you feel any better, I just found out yesterday that I’m a bastard,” I tell her, feeling a grin come to my face.

  I hear her laugh, and she wipes away her own tears.

  “Yeah? How did that make you feel?” Eliza asks me, looking at me this time.

  "Not good. My parents like to pretend that everything is perfect. It hurt when I found out that their marriage was a big lie. When I found out that my grandparents wanted nothing to do with me because of it as if it were my fault that I was brought into this world," I tell her, wishing that everything was okay. That we could just go back to the way things were.

  I feel her moving closer to me, she throws an arm over me and puts her head on her chest.

  “I wasn’t going to leave,” Eliza whispers to me as I run a hand through her hair.

  “Last night you sounded like you wanted to. The way you talked so harshly.” I point out to her, though I can’t make her feel guilty for what she said.

  "I know. I'm still upset today. I meant what I said though. I'm tired of feeling like I'm nothing. You made me feel like a somebody. Special. And you do until we step outside of those doors downstairs," Eliza huffs at me.

  I bring an arm around her so that she doesn't just up and leave again. This isn't what it's about. It's about who can leave the most times.

  "You're right. I'm sorry that it can't be different. I really am. I miss having your lips on mine. I miss holding you to me. I miss sharing the same bed," I confess to Eliza.

  Knowing that if I could just find a way to be able to have her whenever I wanted her. Or whenever she wanted me it would be different.

  “It makes me feel that the rules are more important than I am. That’s not okay either.”

  Eliza pushes my hand away from her. I feel the coldness in her voice.

  “I know. I’d love to say that I’m sorry,” I tell her, sitting up on the bed.

  “Are you sorry though?” She raises her eyebrows at me.

  Her eyes are searching mine to see if I’m lying, or what words are going to come out of my mouth next.

  “Yes, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that we have to live like this,” I tell her firmly.

  “But we don’t have to live like this, and you know it.” Eliza’s words are true.

  I have to find a way for this to work before I lose her.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Eliza and I sleep together, but that's all we do for the night. Half the night I'm not even sleeping. She holds me and so tightly.

  I know that she doesn’t want to let me go, but she has her boundaries too. I’m the one who made her feel better about herself.

  For once Eliza listened to me, but I didn’t think that she would listen to me about finding someone better or how she can do better while she was with me. I don’t even know what we are anymore.

  Look at her and slowly get off the bed. I’m hoping that some tea will help me get back to sleep. As I head into the kitchen, I see that the light’s already on. Maybe it's Alex preparing for tomorrow's meals since he doesn't have to be in the kitchen all the time now that my mother has gone back to her regular routine. I’m surprised to see that it’s Betty.

  “What are you doing up so late?” I ask her, seeing that she already has a cup of tea in front of her sitting at one of the small prepping tables.

  “I could ask you the same thing. The water’s still hot if you want me to make you some tea.” Betty smiles.

  “I can get it myself,” I tell her.

  “So, you didn’t say why you were up this late.” She looks at the clock. I already know that it’s hitting on three in the morning.

  “Eliza wants more. She wants me to be affectionate with her out in public. You know, holding hands and being able to laugh together. The physical without being sexual,” I explain to her.

  “That’s a problem for you. We both know the rules around here,” Betty mumbles.

  “Yes, then Kevin was here when I got
up from my nap,” I tell her, bringing my tea to the prepping table.

  "I heard. Alex warned me." She nods her head, taking a sip of her own tea.

  "I don’t know how to fix this,” I tell her, looking at her helplessly.

  “Well, it’s going to come out either way you look at it.” Betty tells me.

  I don’t think about it until she breaks it down for me.

  “Kevin knows what’s going on here. He isn’t stupid. And he wants what’s his.” Betty was talking about Eliza.

  “She’s not his though,” I point out.

  “She’s not yours either,” Betty shoots back.

  “How am I going to fix this?” I’m hoping that she has some ideas.

  “You mean if I were you?” She smirks at me.

  “Yes, if you were me.” I roll my eyes at her.

  “I would go with a public speech. You want everyone to know who and what you are. You want everyone to get off your case. The biggest thing is that your parents don’t want the media finding out about who you are. If you make the biggest, heartfelt speech, I bet the media and the public would take you for who you are. It won’t change the fact of who your parents are, you can’t change that. Just like they have to learn that they can’t change you.” She points a finger at me.

  I smile at her, feeling my face grow red.

  “Betty, you always know what to say. You always had the right words for me. Why didn’t I think of that?” I ask her.

  “You aren’t thinking with a solid mind. You’re always going around here bitching about the rules. How life has been unfair to you. Do you think that you’re the only one who’s been abused? There are people out there still recovering from bigger issues than what you will ever go through.” Betty is telling me nicely that I’ve been stuck on myself. Maybe she’s right.

  “I’m going to take you up on your advice. I’m going to write something down. It’s going to be a long one.” I laugh.

  "And that's what I love about you. Once you find an answer to the problem, you are good to fix it. You have to see that the problem is with you too." Betty claps her hands together.

  I don’t bother touching my tea. I go over and hug her tightly. I kiss her on the cheek.

  “I love you. You know that, right?” Betty asks me.

  “I know, I love you too.” I grin at her and leave the kitchen.

  I never did ask her what her problem was. If she had one, I know that she would’ve stated it. Maybe that’s what’s been bothering her too. Seeing that I couldn’t find the answer myself. That I couldn’t just take a deep breath and see that it’s me. If I want to change anything it has to start with me.

  I go to my room. I turn on my light and go into the back of the closet where my pens and paper are. I haven’t written anything out in a long time.

  “Well, here’s to hoping,” I whisper, sitting down at my desk where I would study and write essays for school.

  Betty would make sure that’s what I was doing. No one cared other than her. My parents always thought that money would get me into the best colleges in the end. They were right. I didn’t stay though.

  Staying in college was too much for me and they never checked up. It was until I moved out that they realized that I was wasting their money.

  I giggle a little as I begin to write until my fingers hurt and I see that it’s almost ten in the morning. Looking at the time I wonder why Eliza hasn’t been in the room.

  I stack the pages neatly and put my pen down beside it leaving both on the table just in case I find something more to touch upon.

  Chapter Twenty

  I head downstairs and see that the only one in hearing distance is Alex.

  “Where is Eliza? Have you seen her?” I ask him.

  He nods his head toward the front door and I quickly go to it. She’s heading down the stairs with Kevin’s help.

  I want to holler and scream, I don’t.

  I whip the door open and see that they are getting into his car.

  “Eliza, wait!” I shout at her.

  Eliza has one foot in the door and the other out of it.

  “What?” Eliza asks me.

  “I want to talk to you.” I look at Kevin, glare at him and see that he has a tight smirk on his face. He’s telling me silently that he’s won.

  “There’s nothing to talk about. I deserve more than what I get from you. I have been thinking a lot and it’s time that you see I’m not playing around anymore. I don’t want to you only half the time,” Eliza states.

  Her voice is controlled, and I know that she’s only saying this because he’s here. I can see the pain in her eyes.

  “What if it were different?” I ask her quickly.

  Eliza has a look of surprise on her face. I lick my lips and run a hand through my hair.

  “What do you mean, different?” She asks me, almost as if it’s a test.

  “Come on, you know that she’s not going to treat you better. I already told you that I could change,” Kevin reminds her.

  “How many times have you heard that come out of his mouth? How many times? He does good for a little while and then knows you’re not going anywhere. Please, just listen to me.” I put my hands on her shoulders.

  “Look, she wants to work things out. Why can’t you mind your business?” Kevin starts coming over to our side of the car.

  “Please, Eliza,” I beg her with not only my eyes but my voice too.

  Eliza is staring at Kevin and then looking at me.

  “It’s time to go. We have things to do.” Kevin tries to take my hands off Eliza’s shoulders, and I hold them firmly.

  He tries so hard to push me away. However, I kiss her hard on the mouth. I feel her soft lips. They aren’t trying to kiss me back and I think that I’ve lost her for good. I’m about to pull away from her when I feel her tongue slip out of her mouth and into mine.

  “Really?” Kevin asks her.

  He is so surprised that he takes a step back himself.

  Eliza and I continue kissing right there, holding each other and I know that this is precisely what she wanted.

  “Just wait until everyone hears about this,” Kevin scoffs at us.

  “You will be invited, as well as the media and the public, when I make the announcement myself,” I assure him, letting my mouth leave hers.

  The look of surprise on Eliza’s face is almost more than I can stand. I almost laugh at her she searches my eyes to see if I’m playing games.

  There’s no need to search them, she holds me tightly in her arms and I draw her closer to me, watching as her leg comes out of the car.

  Her bags are still on the side of the car when Kevin gets in and pulls away. I know that I’ve won. Not that she’s a trophy to win anyways.

  “Are you sure that this is something that you want to do?” She bites down on her lip and watches as Kevin’s car moves further and further away.

  “Yes, there’s nothing more important than you. I don’t want to lose you,” I whisper against her ear.

  I can feel her shivering in my arms. I hold her even tighter.

  “I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. I’m not going to live by anyone’s rules any longer,” I murmur, kissing her softly on the mouth.

  The public affection that I’m showing, if there are any reporters around, they are going to have it in writing on the front page of the paper. The paper that I never read.

  “Mm, this is what I wanted. This is what I want right here,” she whimpers against my mouth.

  In her voice I can tell that she wants more than that. I do too. How I’ve missed her and needed her. Holding her just wasn’t enough last night. I want to show her that I love her in every way.

  “My life has been better since we’ve been together,” I tell her, taking her hand in mine as we walk up the stairs and into the house.

  Alex has a big smile on his face.

  “She’s a smooth talker sometimes,” he says as eh winks at Eliza.

  “Now’s
not the time,” I tell him.

  He nods his head and the smirk quickly leaves his face. Eliza and I laugh together, at the same time. To share a laugh as friends again, as lovers. It feels so good.

  “I’m sorry that I let Kevin back here. I thought that was the only way that you would see that I was being serious about all of this,” Eliza whispers to me as we make our way up the stairs.

  "I knew all along that you were being serious. I didn't know how to fix this. I didn't know how I was going to make it all okay. Not until last night when I had help from Betty," I explain to her.

  I don’t want to take all the credit. I’m not going to take any of the credit. Just the piece that I wrote and knew that I had to send out, invitations for anyone and everyone who would listen to what I had to say.

  “This is it then,” Eliza tells me.

  “Yes, soon enough everyone is going to know.” My heart skips a beat when the smile on her face reaches her eyes.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I hold her in my arms for a little while longer. Neither one of us speaking to each other.

  “Listen, I’m going to go into the bathroom. Why don’t you wear something sweet and innocent for me?” I ask her.

  “I can do that. I want to reward you,” Eliza whines at me as I pull away from her.

  I watch her as she leaves my room and makes her way across the hall. She looks over her shoulder and winks at me before closing the door.

  I can’t wait to see what she has to wear for me. I want to take it off her. I want to love her. I rush into the bathroom and take out my clean clothes that are in the dresser that’s built into the wall.

  Slowly I slide on just my black bra and panties set that I know she’s going to love. It’s thin and it shows off everything that’s waiting for her. Eliza has every right to want to celebrate. I do too.

  I’m going to be completely free when I make that speech. There will be nothing holding me down. No chains that I feel locked in.

  I give her a few minutes before trying to enter her room. I turn the knob and it’s locked.