True to My Heart

by Christine L'Amour

  I take Eliza’s hand in mine and they can see it. They take pictures of it. I don’t have to say anything more.

  James ushers me into the house. My heart is beating so rapidly that it’s crazy. I wipe the sweat off my forehead with my free hand.

  “I’m so proud of you,” Betty tells me, coming out of the shadows and hugging me to her. I hug her so tightly. She can feel that my body is shaking.

  “I don’t think that my parents are going to like any of it.” I laugh at her. I laugh so hard that tears are spilling out of my eyes.

  I stop laughing but I continue to cry. Eliza and Betty hug me tighter than I’ve ever been hugged before.

  “This is a happy time,” Betty whispers in my ear.

  “I know. This is what it feels like to be free. The emotions running through me right now are like nothing I’ve felt before,” I confess to them.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  I don’t hear anything from my parents in over a week and I wonder if I’m going to hear anything at all. I don’t know what to say to anyone when I continue to stare at the phone and my cellphone. Everyone looks at me like I’m going to lose it.

  “You want their approval,” Betty whispers to me.

  “Kind of,” I sigh.

  “You don’t need anyone’s approval. You know that. You were so brave out there. All of the stations have been playing it all week. How strong you were. You are a Keller whether they want to believe it or not. You have their stubbornness.” Betty laughs at me and I know that she’s right.

  Later that evening I don’t get a phone call. I hear someone coming through the door. I hear my parents arguing. They even have the bimbo with them, but I don’t even have the strength to call her that.

  My father was right, it wasn’t funny the first time and it wouldn’t be now. They’ve come here for a reason. To kick me out.

  “Eliza.” I call to her and she comes downstairs slowly.

  She looks at me and then looks at my parents. Knowing that they aren’t happy. There are no smiles on their faces.

  “Yes?” she asks me, wondering if I’ve called her down to be here with me or if I have something more to say.

  “Pack your things,” I tell her, keeping an eye on the two of them. I’m not letting either one of them out of sight.

  “Just listen to what we have to say before you decide to leave,” my father tells me. His voice is tight but it’s low.

  I can see that he’s just as upset as Mother and I don’t want to deal with them yelling. I don’t want to yell anymore.

  They either have to take me for who I am or disown me. That wouldn’t look good in the papers either. I’m sure they’ve thought of that too.

  “I don’t see why she has to be here.” I nod my head over at the bimbo.

  “She’s the one who made us come to our senses. You know how you don’t like me dating someone younger? You don’t like the fact that I’m seeing someone your age,” my father starts out.

  “I don’t need her help.” I glare at him and then back at her.

  “She isn’t the one who helped you. She suggested things,” my mother tells me, walking around the sitting room.

  “Just listen to them,” Eliza tells me softly and I feel the tension leaving my body.

  I do have to learn to listen, not because they tell me to, but because Eliza’s right. I nod my head at them to keep talking.

  “We are a little upset with you for what you’ve done. I think that’s why we didn’t call. We didn’t know what to say. You’ve never been like this, not even in your rebellious stages,” my mother tells me, her back to me.

  “We’re sorry that we never got married. That was our own choice to do. We faked it in hopes that your grandmother would come around. She saw through our lie. You think that would stop us? It didn’t. We were only thinking of ourselves.” My father looked at my mother’s back as well and then at me.

  “What do you want me to say? You want me to say that I forgive you? All this time you wanted me to be perfect. You wanted me to do things your way. I didn’t want to, and you still persisted to try and take me away from Eliza.” I glare at him, folding my arms across my chest.

  “That was wrong. Your mother is the one who made sure that no one could hurt you. No matter how many times your grandmother called you…” He couldn’t even say the word.

  “Bastard,” I tell him, letting him know I know exactly what I am. He can say it if I can.

  “Yeah, that. Your mother did everything from calling, to sending pictures, to writing. She wouldn’t come to her senses and see that we made a mistake. She died last year…” He looks down at the floor.

  “There’s more to say. You wouldn’t just stop there. You have more to tell me.” I let my voice rise.

  I sit down on the sofa when Betty comes into the room to see what’s going on. I can see that she’s not liking the drama. She doesn’t like when people fight.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her, giving her the best smile that I can.

  Betty gives me a smile and sits beside me she takes my hand. I know that she wants to be my support. It’s getting harder and harder to sit here and talk with them. The look in Betty’s eyes is telling me to remain calm.

  “If Betty hadn’t brought it our attention we would have never would’ve known. Please don’t sit here and think that we’ve been hiding this from you.” He clears his throat, straightening his tie.

  I can sense that it’s Betty’s turn to talk. I sit against the couch and let my back slide down.

  “Your grandmother was my friend. That’s how your mother and father met. I’ve known your mother since she was born. Maybe I should’ve said this from the beginning, maybe when you were old enough, but that’s not going to change now. I have her will. I brought it to your parents’ attention just recently because it was written that when you come to terms with who you are, or what you are, then you’re able to have what was in her will.” Betty puts a hand on my arm.

  My grandmother could’ve come to see me whenever she wanted to, and she chose not to. Because, she was upset with my parents.

  “Okay, so what was in the will that was so important?” I ask her.

  “A video. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see you. She wasn’t ashamed of you. She kept up to date on you all the time because of me. In that video are things that she wanted you to know. Things she wanted you to have.” Betty gets up from the couch.

  “Where are you going?” I ask her

  “To get the will. I am allowed to tell you one thing though.” Betty smiles at me.

  “What’s that?” I ask her.

  “The second she knew that you were born, she set up a trust fund for you. The house that she had is in your name. She wanted to make sure that if you were shunned because of who you were, that you’d be okay for the rest of your life,” Betty explains to me as she looks at my parents.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  I’m shocked that I don’t know what to say. A woman who didn’t even know me had things for me. She still cared, even when she was upset with my parents.

  “Do I have to look at all of that now?” I ask her, wanting her to come back and sit down with me.

  “No, it’s waited a few years. I don’t see why it can’t wait a few more years.” She can see the worry in my face.

  “I guess we have to accept you for you. We aren’t the best, but you’ve dealt with what you’ve had. I can’t take back anything that I’ve done. Your mother can’t take back anything that she said. Though this isn’t how we talked about it earlier when we saw all the news channels with your face on them.” My father takes the floor again.

  My mother doesn’t say anything to any of us. I know that she’s upset with me. She has to be. I ran her name through the mud. I’m sure that I’ve ruined her career.

  “Mother,” I whisper to her, clearing my throat.

  “There’s this film that my manager wants me to be in. I’m not the main character. That’s the reason I’m
here.” She turns around to face me.

  The lights come on because the sun has gone down. They come on automatically downstairs and I like that part of the mansion.

  “Yeah?” I ask her, not sure what she’s getting at.

  “It’s a same-sex movie. How two people get together. After this came out about you, he wanted it done. I guess it rocked a lot of people.” She can’t keep the smirk off her face.

  “You want me to be a part of a movie?” I ask her, not sure that I even want to do it. The only reason she’s here is because she wants me to help her. After all the crap that she’s put me through, she wants my help.

  “I don’t know Mother, you’ve never let me be me,” I point out to her, shaking my head and crossing one leg over the other.

  “This is your chance to be you. With…her.” Mother nods her head at Eliza.

  “They want us both?” I ask, feeling a smile come across my face.

  “Yes, and the only way that they would let me be a part of this movie is if I played your mother. I mean that’s not easy to do since I haven’t really been here,” she sighs, rubbing her forehead.

  “It won’t be easy, but we can teach each other. When do they want to do this movie?” I ask her, getting up from the sofa.

  Betty rubs my lower back before I stand up completely.

  “In less than six months, they want it in the movie theatre. That doesn’t give us much time,” she tells me.

  The closer I get to her, the more I see her shaking. It’s the first time that I’ve truly seen her scared. It’s something that I’m not used to myself. Always seeing her on the go, wanting to be the best for everyone who’s around her. Now she wants to be the best for me. I don’t know what else to do but hug her.

  That’s exactly what I do, I hold her tight until she hugs me back. It’s not until I feel her shoulders shaking that I know she’s crying.

  “It’s never too late to start being a mother. I mean I’m not dead. So you must’ve done something right,” I laugh.

  After I let her go, I see that my father is smiling, and his bimbo is just standing there staring at us. I start to go over to her and she looks at my father. I guess if we have to be nice, and work things out, I have to be nice to her. She’s going to be my dad’s wife, right? His first wife.

  “You’re not pregnant, are you?” I ask her, hoping that it’s not starting all over again. I don’t want to welcome her into the family if she is.

  “God, no. I’m a model. I don’t have time for babies.” She laughs at me and shakes her head back and forth.

  I can see that she didn’t ask for all of this. I’m sure that she didn’t know much about us until the party for my mother.

  “Good. At least someone who really wants to strive around here.” I kid with her and give her a hug.

  It feels good to let go of most of the things that I’ve been bottling up inside of me. It’s not too late to be at least friends with them.

  “How long are you guys staying?” I ask them, knowing that this isn’t just for the night.

  “We have a lot of work to do. Since we’ve already lost so much time fighting and arguing, we are going to be here for a while. Well, at least I am,” my mother points at herself.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  I hope that my father isn’t staying under the same roof as us. I know that he and Mother can’t get along for a long time and it would just be best if he figured out a different plan for himself.

  “Don’t worry, I have a hotel all set up. I have taken time off from work myself.” He can see that I’m not wanting to say anything to him about the situation.

  “I’m glad that you’ve brought it out for me instead of wondering.” I nod my head, knowing that this is a big start in the right direction.

  “I won’t be here though. I have to go back to the modeling agency. Unfortunately, I can’t see all this come to life. I’ll be around for the next couple of days, but after that, you probably won’t see me until the wedding.” The woman looks at me.

  Right now, I don’t care to know her name. I know that my father has probably mentioned it, but I didn’t care to know then either.

  “I’m not calling you mom. You’re the same age as I am. If you think that I’m going to do that you’re sadly mistaken. It would just be too much.” I am straight forward with her, and I can see the relief in her eyes.

  “I wouldn’t want that either. I was talking to your father that it wouldn’t be a good idea to have any labels thrown around.” She agrees with me.

  We talk for a little while longer and I’m glad when Eliza begins to yawn.

  “Okay, so we have an early start tomorrow morning. I think that it’s best everyone gets some sleep around here,” I hint to them.

  For the first time in a long time I hug my father, and he hugs me tightly. It’s as if he were just waiting for me to hug him like I used to when he was home.

  There are good memories, ones that I buried away. And, I don’t want to bury them away anymore. I want to let go of the anger, everything that I feel inside from the past. It’s not going to go away in a matter of hours or days. But, if I work at it, I know that I can let it go and move on with the future.

  I watch as they head out of the house and to the car. Mother is already upstairs to escape to the room that she takes when she’s here.

  “If you want that video now. I’ll get it,” Betty tells me, getting off the couch and she has happy tears in her eyes.

  “This is what I’ve always wanted for you. Through the good and the bad, I wanted you to feel that freedom that you haven’t let yourself have,” Betty tells me.

  Eliza hugs me to her and I know that she’s happy that I listened to them.

  “Do you know how much things are going to change around here?” she asks me.

  “Too much. I’m not sure if I’m ready for everything to happen so quickly,” I admit to her.

  “You don’t have to be ready for it, you just have to let it come. The way you hugged your mother, I wish that I could hug mine like that again,” she whispers against my ear.

  “I’m sorry.” I bite down on my lip.

  “Don’t be, I’ve let it go,” she laughs.

  A long time ago her mother just up and left her, I should be thankful for the mother that I do have even though she doesn’t like half the things I do.

  “I’m ready to watch that video. I’m going to watch it down here and the second that I’m done I’ll come to bed,” I tell her.

  We don’t have to hide sleeping in the same bed. We don’t have to hide how we feel. I know she’s happy with that alone.

  “Wake me up if I’m sleeping,” she tells me giving me a wink and I laugh at her.

  I watch as Eliza goes up the stairs. It’s just Betty and I down here now. I turn to her and see that she’s ready to get the box that I need.

  “I’m glad that you’re not mad at me. You could’ve gone many more years without knowing about your grandmother and the type of woman she was. I wanted to tell you so many times, but I made a promise to my best friend,” she explains to me.

  “I know how that is. I’m not mad at you at all.” I grin and watch her go upstairs to get the box.

  I don’t care about the money. I don’t even care about her house that she’s left me along with whatever she thought was important. I want to get to know a little bit about my grandmother that I never got to meet. Had I known about her death I would’ve gone. I didn’t have the choice to go. No one ever told me.

  Betty comes back downstairs with the box and the old television set. It’s a small one but with all the technology that we have today I know that my parents didn’t own a VCR. She sets it up on the coffee table and puts the tape in for me. She hands me the remote.

  “You can start it whenever,” Betty tells me heading out of the sitting room and going to her quarters.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to watch it with me?” I ask her, knowing that it had been her best friend she must miss
her a lot.

  “No, I have my own tape that she made for me. I watch it every now and again when I miss her too much. She was a good woman.” Betty grins at me and disappears out of the room.

  I look around as if someone is watching me, I know that no one is. I settle back against the sofa and hit the play button.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  “I know that you’re a bastard child. We’ll start with that.” My grandmother is sitting in a recliner that’s much too big for her.

  I can see that she’s from my mother’s side of the family because of her reddish-white hair and I laugh. I can tell right away that I like her. That I would’ve loved her had I gotten the chance to meet her.

  “None of this is your fault. You didn’t ask to be born. If my daughter would’ve been wise, she would’ve waited. With that said I want you to know that I’ve always kept tabs on you. By now you know that Betty was my best friend. A dear one she was. We always knew that I would go before her because I’m a bitter woman. I know that you’re not as bitter because you’re watching this.” She pauses for a second and she leaves the screen.

  I hear a tea kettle whistling in the back and hear her muttering something about old bones.

  I laugh out loud and hear it echo. She comes back just a few seconds later with her cup of tea.

  “Betty took pictures of you. Every chance she got, she took pictures and videos of you on that old cam-recorder of hers. It drove me up the wall she had so many videos. But in the end, I was thankful for them. I knew that your rebellious stage wasn’t rebellious at all. Sometimes you just know what is meant for you. It was shunned in my day. God forbid a woman and a woman be together.” She rolls her eyes and sighs.

  Taking a sip of her tea. I know the one thing that would bother me if she were still here. If I had known her and that’s the way she slurps her tea. I wouldn’t be able to sit around her while she was drinking it.

  “You have stayed with it since you were a teenager. I knew that you wouldn’t convert to men and that’s okay. The one thing is you’re supposed to be loved for who you are, for what you want to become. The one big thing that I don’t like are liars. You know some and so do I; they are family. I couldn’t get over the fact that your mother thought it was okay to lie to me. She could’ve been truthful. She knew that.” I watch as my grandmother rubs her eyes under her glasses.