The Summer Island Swap

by Samantha Tonge

  ‘You don’t understand,’ he said quietly, and stroked Sultan again.

  ‘Then talk to me.’

  His shoulders bobbed up and down.

  I reached across and squeezed his fingers that were resting on the table. ‘I won’t push but I’m always here if you need a chat. I don’t like seeing you unhappy.’

  ‘Thanks. I mean, it’s not as if you’re used to seeing my miserable face because I’ve been that cheerful since having to empty compost toilets and eat rice three times a day, right?’

  We exchanged smiles.

  ‘Come on,’ I said, briskly. ‘Let’s head back. The conga drums are calling us.’

  We stood up. Sultan jumped down and scampered off towards the bar. Jonas hesitated. Sat down again. I joined him where Sultan had been, right by his side. Arms linked, we sat in silence.

  ‘It’s not Amy,’ he muttered.

  I didn’t say anything.

  ‘The moon’s beautiful, isn’t it?’ he said. ‘Think of everything it’s looked down on over the centuries. Dinosaurs. Ancient Egyptians. Wars.’ He smiled. ‘Bruce Springsteen concerts. Yet night in, night out it stays the same, hanging in the sky, watching clouds waft past. I wish I was like that. I wish external factors didn’t have such an effect on me.’ He stared me straight in the face. ‘The person I like. You’re almost right. My sulkiness when they played chess. Me running my hardest on the beach. It was all to try and make an impression on…’ He swallowed. ‘Benedikt.’

  I stared back at him, unblinking. Digesting his news.

  ‘But Maxi… you said you’d broken up with her. I assumed…’

  How could I have been so stupid? Of course. It made sense. That’s why he gave Benedikt one of his precious chocolate bars for the turtle trip – and why he’d been surprisingly disappointed not to be going with us. I thought back to the rapt look on Jonas’s face when he’d talked about the silly selfies Benedikt took with the moth on his head.

  ‘I think I’ve been, what you’d call, a Dummkopf.’ I paused. ‘And you know what… with this fresh perspective I reckon Benedikt feels the same about you. Amy says he’s into long hair. He often shoots me disapproving looks. And the way he told you off when you raced and fell in the sand – I thought it was because he was worried Amy could have got injured. Thinking back, he didn’t check she was okay. It was you he focused on.’

  Jonas shook his head. ‘Nein. He seems really into Amy. I hate to say it, but they look good together, especially when they sing their awful songs.’

  ‘Haven’t you picked up a vibe? Say at night, in the shack – don’t you chat about stuff? Life back home? Previous partners?’

  ‘Nope. There’s lots of banter. Remember Alistair and Craig are in with us too. Alistair’s in his fifties, so there’s not as much talk about dating as there might have been if it was just us three younger ones.’

  I unlinked our arms and slipped one of mine around his shoulder. I pulled him close.

  ‘But why – if you don’t mind me asking – why the tears? I get how you must feel as if you really know him already – like you and me do – but it has only been a few days. He hasn’t rejected you. It hasn’t got to that point yet…’

  Years of supporting Amy through breakups and romance problems had taught me when to recognise I wasn’t getting the full story. Like Sebastian. Rock star looks. Charisma in buckets. She’d fallen hard. I’d liked him a lot but inevitably, a man like that, he broke her heart – the day after her twenty-first birthday party as well. They split up. The two of them had looked so happy the night before. Amy had sobbed on my shoulder and just said they’d simply grown apart and it had been a mutual decision. But eventually I’d wheedled out more information – something about a stupid one-night stand.

  I’d never felt so angry. But it hadn’t surprised me. Sebastian’s appealing looks and confident manner had always reminded me of Dad.

  Ever since then I’d kept a close eye on her relationships and told her if I got a negative vibe. She’d get cross. Tell me heartache was all part of the risk of falling in love with people and she accepted that and dealt with it. I just couldn’t bear to see her hurt; couldn’t help giving my view.

  Jonas’s shoulders shuddered. I looked sideways. A tear rolled down his cheek.

  ‘I only came out last summer,’ he muttered. ‘It’s been a confusing few years. I used to date women as well but it never felt right… the physical stuff…’ He squirmed in his seat. ‘As the university years passed I knew for sure that I was gay but I still went out with my best friend there, Maxi, for a little while. That relationship – my last with a woman – meant I could no longer deny my sexuality to myself. She was – rightly – furious when she found out; felt she’d been used as some sort of guinea pig. We’re only just getting our friendship back on track one year later and then I come over here…’

  ‘Have you dated any guys?’ I said, gently.

  ‘I had a brief fling with a man I met at a rally against student cuts. That confirmed everything for me. But I avoided going public – because that would have meant being truthful with my parents.’

  ‘Would that have been such a bad thing?’

  ‘I thought so. They are so straight-laced. Conservative. They wouldn’t admit it but I know they are concerned about my dreams to play music full time and would rather I use my degree and become a computer consultant. I thought me being gay wouldn’t fit the neat little image they had of their son. But it came to the point where I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.’ He bit his lip. ‘I was really scared, you know, when I finally told them? I couldn’t stop shaking, bracing myself for rejection. I remember curling my fists as if arming myself, nails digging into my palms.’

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘I should have known better. Mum and Dad were brilliant. Said they’d known for a while – so had Helga. The three of them had been patiently waiting for me to announce it myself. I’ll never forget the relief I felt – the fear draining out of me.’ He gave a wry smile. ‘You must think me a real drama queen.’

  ‘Of course not. I can’t imagine how big that must have felt – telling family something like that.’ I asked again. ‘So why exactly is this business with Benedikt so upsetting?’

  His voice wavered. ‘Shortly after that first fling with a man, I… I think I felt some sort of euphoria about finally being on the right path. It was such a relief. It made me a little reckless. I’d had virtually zero experience at approaching other men. I liked Friedrich, on my course. We were good friends. I’d always found him attractive and wishful thinking convinced me he was gay. I told him how I felt.’ He covered his face with his hands. ‘Friedrich made it clear he was straight. I’ve never felt like such a fool in my life. I still cringe… I still feel sick about it, looking back. And our friendship was never the same again.’

  ‘Oh Jonas, I’m so sorry…’

  ‘It was utterly humiliating – almost worse because Friedrich was kind about it.’ Jonas’s hands slid away from his face. ‘I felt so stupid and it’s really knocked my confidence. I don’t think I’m ever going to meet the right man. I’ve felt so lonely over the years, struggling to come to terms with who I really am, and then once I finally do that happened…’ He sniffed. ‘I know it’s early days. It all sounds ridiculous. But I’ve just got this feeling with Benedikt – that he… he’s someone rather special. Yet he turns out to be straight too.’

  ‘I kind of get it. Talking to men – getting it right, that’s always been hard for me. Trusting, putting myself out there – it takes real guts to lay your feelings bare. I think you’ve been really brave.’

  Jonas sat more upright and wiped his eyes.

  His attraction to Benedikt didn’t sound ridiculous because I’d felt that pull towards Rick and being thrust into the rainforest meant that connections developed at top speed.

  ‘Look at me. Sniffling like a spoilt toddler. Sorry Sarah. I’ll get over it. It must be the alcohol. I’ve got a supportive family and
I’m grateful for that.’ He sighed. ‘Hopefully this month in the jungle will toughen me up.’

  ‘Yes, I saw a tarantula and actually didn’t scream earlier. I now feel I could conquer the world.’

  ‘You must promise me, Sarah. Promise you won’t mention this to anyone. Not even your sister. She might tell Benedikt.’

  ‘I honestly reckon he fancies you. Amy said he was asking what sort of men I like. I reckon he’s as worried about us getting together as you are about my sister and him.’

  ‘Or you are his back-up plan if he doesn’t get Amy.’ He managed a smile.

  ‘Thanks!’

  ‘Promise,’ he said. ‘Not a single word.’

  I promised, slipped my other arm around Jonas and gave him the tightest hug. He held on for a long time. I held him back. It felt good. At that moment Benedikt and Amy tumbled outside looking sweaty and tired. I caught his eye and before he could mask it Benedikt let slip the coldest stare.

  There was no doubt in my mind. He liked Jonas as much as Jonas liked him.

  But what could I do to bring them together?

  21

  ‘Which has been your most enjoyable task this week?’ asked Rick, dark eyes twinkling.

  We sprawled on a comfortable sofa in the Games Room. It was half past seven and we’d just arrived there after eating. Evening time spent here had become a daily habit. It was Friday. I’d actually survived six more days and had managed to control my urge to ring home and check up on Nelly – not that I would have had much time for phone chat.

  Amy had more than survived – she’d thrived on helping out with the animals and her face was a picture when Wink’s appetite returned. Also, she’d gone for a stroll early one morning after a swim and found an injured bird. She’d carefully placed it in her cap and covered the hat with the dry T-shirt she’d pulled over her swimming costume. Amy had known that being in the dark would cause the bird less stress. Jackie was very impressed, especially when she found out Amy already suspected it was suffering from a broken wing.

  ‘There’s no question that your sister has the knack of handling animals,’ she told me later. ‘Efficient but compassionate. And she has that extra quality – a great bedside manner. It’s clear her job is driven by a true love of, and respect for, wildlife.’

  Then one afternoon Rick had an urgent phone call. He, myself and Amy and two other volunteers were on the afternoon food preparation duties and he had to leave. She’d immediately offered to do his share and make sure the food shed was tidy before everyone went back to camp for dinner. He’d been happy to give her that responsibility.

  ‘The most enjoyable task? Now that’s a very hard question,’ I said airily and sipped my beer. Amy and Benedikt were, as usual, playing chess. Jonas was in the middle of a card game with Jackie and Helga. He didn’t look invested.

  I’d kept my promise and not said anything to Benedikt – or my sister. As the days passed the clues about Benedikt’s feelings became more obvious to me. He always poured Jonas a glass of water at the dinner table before anyone else and complimented his shirts featuring various bands. If he took a good photo he’d show it to Jonas before anyone else.

  However, the biggest revelation this week had been how well Rick and I got on. Like me, he hated jogging and loved American TV comedies. Bizarrely, we both had the same drink fetish – milk and Coca Cola mixed together in equal quantities. I’d never be such a keen conservationist like him and he was beginning to understand that this volunteering experience was a huge challenge for me.

  ‘But that’s okay,’ he’d said, very early last Monday morning, as we’d headed off to do bird counting. ‘Because I can tell you don’t give up once you’ve put your mind to something. We’re similar like that. My driving is a joke in the family. It took me over fifty lessons back in London to pass my test, second time around, but I was determined. I’m not saying it’s always a good trait – my brother often calls me stubborn – but it has its advantages.’

  ‘I did a car maintenance course once. I stayed behind the week we were shown how to change a tyre, I found it so difficult. It took me so long to master what to do, I ended up taking the teacher for a late-night curry. But I got there in the end.’

  He’d gazed at me. Muttered that I was made of stern stuff before changing the subject. I had, indeed, persevered this week, tended to my blisters that slowly healed and done my best to avoid more mosquito bites. I’d worn sensible clothes and my cap. I hadn’t even bothered with my makeup, nor attempted to style my hair.

  Which was an unexpected but surprisingly welcome change. Perhaps it was due to my new undomesticated surroundings. I liked to think myself body positive and was grateful I’d never become obsessed with chasing a slim figure like some of my friends. But being well-groomed… looking smart… like Mum, like Anabelle… I’d fought against the voices telling me I should be like them. But then there seemed little point once I gained employment as a receptionist. How refreshing it was, for the first time in my life, not to have easy access to a mirror.

  Day in, day out, this trip was surprising me. And another thing that lifted my spirits was making the effort to keep Jonas cheerful.

  Rick put his drink back on the floor by his feet. ‘Perhaps an easier question might be which task has been the most bearable?’

  I returned his wide smile and took another sip of the beer, feeling rejuvenated following an afternoon of trail clearing. I said the word ‘Chatty’ to catch the monkey’s attention and tickled his head. He was perched on Rick’s shoulder, holding onto a leather pendant around Rick’s neck. Without his sight perhaps he thought it was a piece of trailing ivy or a plant that might bear fruit. Chatty let go and curled his tiny hand around my wrist. I was used to this now. It meant he didn’t want the tickling to stop. He bared his teeth on my skin just to emphasise his desire.

  ‘The bird counting trips have been annoyingly interesting,’ I said.

  Overnight nets were left out in different locations – near the beach and in the forest. Then we’d get up really early and examine them. Jackie would identify the species of bird and tag one of their legs before we’d release them again. As the sun became brighter, we’d climb rope bridges to observation platforms in the trees and count more birds using binoculars. From the canopies I’d seen sandpipers with long beaks, a yellow-billed cuckoo, a variety of doves, a woodpecker and a green and yellow parakeet. But most beautiful of all, in the nets, was a delicate hummingbird with iridescent green and purple plumage. It looked as if it had flown straight out of one of Monet’s water lily paintings.

  Amy had wanted a budgie once, as a little girl, but Mum had firmly said no – keeping anything in a cage, and alone, was cruel. She only let Amy have a hamster as he had a plastic ball to run around in and research revealed they preferred to be solitary animals. Mum also preferred potted plants to cut flowers. Dad called her over-sensitive.

  ‘I also… well, not sure I’d go so far as to say enjoyed but managed to endure my second turtle egg collecting trip with Jackie . And the butterfly catching on Tuesday really taught me patience, sneaking up on ones that weren’t in motion.’ There were delicate white butterflies, yellow ones and a vibrant orange species too. ‘As for cleaning the shower blocks and emptying the toilets…’ I threw my hands in the air. ‘What’s not to adore about that?’

  Rick grinned and gently lifted Chatty onto his lap, and took over head-scratching duties. However the monkey reached out. I put my hand between his paws. He held on tight. Rick passed me the lead handle and placed him on my lap instead. I whistled ‘Daydream Believer’. Chatty sat still for a moment.

  Rick’s eyes crinkled. ‘Chatty and you have really clicked.’

  The little blond face reached up and he chewed my chin. Very gently I tapped him on the nose. He squeaked indignantly so I moved my finger behind his ears and began scratching.

  ‘Seriously though…’ I exhaled. ‘I have liked parts of the experience so far. A spa break would have still suited me mu
ch better but I have to admit to feeling a degree of satisfaction over certain tasks. Like when it was my turn to bury the turtle eggs in the protected sandpit. And even though I needed a shower after cutting up all that juicy fruit for Chatty, for the birds, the bats and iguanas, it felt good to watch them devour their food.’

  ‘You had a really shaky start. I’ve never seen anyone recover like that.’

  And I wasn’t expecting to like you, let alone seek out your company, I thought.

  Take our evenings in the Games Room. It just felt right, sitting with him. The chat was easy now. The humour frequent. Perhaps there wouldn’t be a problem simply enjoying the company of a man like him.

  As long as we were just friends.

  Nothing more.

  Because I knew how that would end.

  When I first arrived on Seagrass Island Rick had made me feel like Dad used to.

  Useless. Laughable. As if I didn’t belong.

  Oh, Rick had wrapped it up in a gentler way but his initial attitude still struck nerves I hadn’t suffered from since I’d become independent.

  Plus I couldn’t let myself trust those warm sensations he aroused in me, that made me feel safe and happy in his presence. Because Mum and Anabelle would have never married Dad if they’d known what he was really like. He must have hidden it well, until it was too late. Whereas I’d already had a glimpse of the real critical, sullen Rick…

  Are you sure asked a voice in my head? He seems lovely now. Dad would have never been so compassionate over a little monkey, for a start… Perhaps this more easy-going version is the real Rick.

  I pursed my lips. No. I couldn’t risk it.

  ‘I don’t think I’ll ever get used to certain aspects like the lack of aircon at night. I’d like to say I didn’t miss junk food but right at his minute I’d do almost anything for a Big Mac or family-sized chocolate bar.’