Born in Light

by Kim ten Tusscher

  “Aren’t you going to do anything about Tokala?” Eoghan asked.

  “I don’t want to split up our army. Why wear out our soldiers by making them march when we can fight here? Well rested and with full bellies.”

  “Then we’ll be up against two armies,” Kiril growled.

  “Kasimirh can’t leave the capital. If he does, we’ll easily defeat him,” Ferhdessar said. “And of course we’ll hinder Tokala.”

  “You’re sending Rodmer,” Wolter said.

  Ferhdessar nodded. He enjoyed the surprised look on the faces of the other generals. “Rodmer commands a group of fanatical warriors that were trained by me,” Ferhdessar explained. “They’ll evacuate the villages in Tokala’s way and destroy all crops that aren’t ready for harvest yet. We won’t fight Tokala before he gets here, but with these measures he and his army will be tired and weakened by the time they arrive.”

  Branko looked at him with compressed lips. He almost imperceptibly shook his head. “And how do we respond to what happened today?” he asked quietly.

  “We don’t. I already told you so. There’ll be five days of mourning. We start burying the bodies as soon as possible. Given their state of decomposition, I’d prefer to burn some of the bodies, but I realize that that will only anger my soldiers. We do, however, need to settle for mass graves.” One by one, he looked the generals in the eye. “We will exploit these events to make our soldiers even more eager. When Tokala arrives, they can take their anger out on him and his troops.”

  Ferhdessar turned around to hide the smile on his face. It felt as if Kasimirh had handed him victory today. His troops were going to defeat Kasimirh and Tokala. After that, Ferhdessar would move into Naftalia to fill the power vacuum and annex the area.

  He turned back to face them. “Are we agreed?” he asked.

  Zander nodded. The other generals gave their consent as well.

  “Tell us more about this Rodmer,” Kiril said.

  Ferhdessar sighed and sat down. He had hoped that the generals were so preoccupied with Kasimirh that they wouldn’t ask any questions. Not all of them were going to appreciate that he had decided long ago to create an army that was only loyal to him.

  17

  Almor was humming to himself as he pulled Lilith’s trousers down. Lilith closed her eyes. This was humiliating. Ever since her encounter with Kasimirh she couldn’t do anything any more. She hadn’t even noticed that she had soiled herself. The smell, however, was unmistakable.

  There was one advantage, though. She also couldn’t feel her father washing her. It was humiliating that he had to take care of her like this while she was a grown woman. Lilith resolved to stop eating.

  Almor dressed her and helped her to sit. Lilith tried to clench her teeth, but Almor wrapped his arm around her and opened her mouth. He fed her soup. Tiny portions at a time, so that she wouldn’t choke. Before he put the spoon into her mouth, he blew on the food.

  Lilith hated it, but she suspected that her father enjoyed taking care of her. For the first time since their reunion, he was able to pick up where they had left off when she had been taken. Back then she had been just as helpless and dependent on him.

  Even though Lilith rather wouldn’t eat, she did enjoy the moments when she could sit up straight. Because then she saw something other than the ceiling of the ice cave. Seraph, still tied up, was lying a bit further down. Lilith tried to ignore him. Rather she looked at Az-Zhara. He kept his distance. At first, Lilith had thought it odd: hadn’t Kasimirh’s appearance confirmed her innocence? Later, she had come to realize that she couldn’t fault him for having doubts. She had nearly killed him, after all. What did it matter that it had been Kasimirh who had made her do so? It had been her claws that had caused the dark spots that were shining through Az-Zhara’s scales.

  “All gone,” Almor said. He laid her back down and covered her up. “Maybe you would like to pray to Jakob,” he said. He showed her the praying stone. Lilith suspected that he’d placed the stone in her hand. It was sweet of him to remember. He couldn’t know that Lilith was now cursing Jakob as well. She had been wrong when she had spoken to her father about her religion. Jakob hadn’t looked out for her. He had lured her into a trap.

  She drifted off to sleep.

  ”I never wanted this to happen, Lilith.”

  Lilith opened her eyes. That was about the only thing she could still do. There was someone standing next to her, but in the dim light she couldn’t make out more than a shadow. The voice belonged to a man, but she couldn’t tell who he was. He wore an oversized cloak and was leaning on a staff.

  Who are you? She thought the words but couldn’t pronounce them.

  The top of the staff started to glow. It’s Kasimirh, Lilith thought as the little light became increasingly bright. Her breathing quickened.

  Lilith knew that her father was lying only a yard away. If she could reach out her arm, she could touch him. Even a whisper would be enough to wake him. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to make her body move. She held her breath and exhaled in the hope that she would make a sound.

  “Lilith…”

  She opened her eyes again. The light was now bright enough to be able to see the man. She was startled. This was even worse than Kasimirh. Jakob was standing in front of her. He looked exactly like the paintings that Kasimirh had made of Him. His ageless face was radiating an overwhelming wisdom. His plain robe was made of the most beautiful silk that Lilith had ever seen.

  “Why don’t you understand my intentions, Lilith?” God knelt down next to her.

  I understand them all too well.

  He shook his head sadly. “You’re turning your back on Me. That hurts Me.”

  Lilith squeezed her eyes shut. Maybe this all would pass quicker if she just ignored Him. His presence, however, was too overwhelming. She had longed to see Jakob for a long time, and now He was standing in front of her. She opened her eyes and looked straight at Him.

  Why am I worth so little to you? I was taught that You take care of your followers. Why am I the exception?

  He shook His head and reached out His hand to her. She couldn’t see what he was doing, but suddenly her shoulder felt warm. Was He going to make her change and then send her back to Kasimirh?

  Lilith was searching for Almor’s silhouette. He was lying with his back towards her, snoring softly. He was so close, and yet so far.

  Father, help me!

  “You don’t have to be afraid of Me, Lilith,” Jakob was now apparently stroking her arm, because the warm feeling moved a little. “You are very important to Me.”

  Yes, because of my power. But my feelings, and the fact that I suffered from your assignments, don’t matter to You.

  “You’ve made that clear to Me now. I need you, Lilith. You are the key.”

  Not any more. I’m no longer on your side.

  He flickered, like a flame touched by the wind.

  “Let me prove to you that I do care about you, Lilith. I’ll teach you how to heal.” He laid his hand on her forehead. She felt His energy flow from His hand through her head. It frightened her. This was the same thing that Kasimirh had done to her.

  Stop!

  “Trust Me, Lilith.”

  The warmth travelled through her left arm. Suddenly all His words took on another meaning. The purest kind of love flowed through her body.

  Jakob’s love for her was overwhelming. Lilith sucked it all in. Never before had anyone made her feel like this. Not even Chrys. Although… Lilith suddenly remembered how her mother had picked her up to breastfeed her. She remembered how her father had taken her out of her cradle and soothed her when she had woken up screaming. That was the love of two people willing to give up everything for her. As a newborn baby Lilith had already resolved to do anything in return to make them happy. At those moments she had made the unconscious decision to live her life that way.

  Kasimirh had taken advantage of that. He had taken her into his care and made sure that her
promise was directed at him. She had done everything to make him happy, even long after she had come to realize that what she was doing was reprehensible.

  And Kasimirh had done everything in the name of Jakob.

  Lilith felt her fingers stretch. Her muscles quivered. With one quick movement she knocked away Jakob’s hand. It even surprised herself.

  No, Jakob. I refuse to do what You ask of me any longer. You’re not worthy of my trust. I’m taking back the control over my own life.

  Jakob disappeared just a quickly as He had come. Lilith’s eyes had to readjust to the sudden darkness. She heard Almor turn onto his other side. She knew that he wasn’t a deep sleeper, but he hadn’t woken up from Jakob’s light or the words He had spoken. She must have imagined everything.

  Her hand was itching. For a second, it annoyed her because she couldn’t scratch it, but then she realized what it meant. She concentrated on her left arm and moved her fingers. They were stiff, but they moved all the same. The hairs of the fur she was lying on were tickling her skin. Could it be? Lilith suppressed the thought. She’d always had the power to heal. She didn’t need Jakob to use that power.

  The snoring stopped. Almor came to sit next to her. His hand came closer but she couldn’t feel whether he touched her.

  “Have you been awake for long?” he asked her.

  Lilith looked at him. She saw an immensely sad, lonely man who had only one purpose in his life: taking care of his daughter. She now knew that he had resolved to do so the moment that he had first held her. She could see the pain of failure in his eyes.

  I love you, father.

  Her left hand was starting to feel warm. Slowly, Lilith let her healing powers flow through her fingers. A thin wisp of energy flowed through her arm and neck to the back of her head. She found one of the strings that Kasimirh had cut and tied it back together.

  “What’s happening?” Almor asked her.

  Lilith let out a sigh. She tried with all her might to say something, but to no avail.

  “Calm down, Lilith. It will all be right.”

  It was frustrating that she could still hardly do anything. The warmth in her hand disappeared. Lilith shivered.

  “Are you cold?” Almor asked. He bent towards her. “You do feel rather cold.” He pushed her to the side and tucked her in. Then he came to lie against her. Lilith didn’t feel it. She only saw the arm that he wrapped around her.

  Thank you father, I’m glad that you’re here with me.

  Her hand was starting to glow again, but she wasn’t able to use the energy. The healing had worn her out.

  The next few days, Lilith slept a lot. When she was awake, she tried to heal herself. At first, the changes in her body were slight, but Lilith silently celebrated each step forward. When she was too tired to use her gift, but couldn’t sleep because she was having more and more nightmares, she let her fingers run through the fur she was lying on. That was enough to feel intense happiness.

  By now, Lilith could also move her left leg. She couldn’t speak just yet, but that wasn’t the most important thing, anyway. She wanted to be able to run or fight, if need be. The longer she was lying immobilized, the more she realized that Kasimirh would try something new when he got the chance.

  Lilith spent a lot of time thinking about the strange encounter with Jakob. Finally, she decided that it had been a nightmare. Ohinde had told her that dreams contained messages from the spirit world, but in this case, Lilith preferred Ghalatea’s explanation: dreams are a way to process the things that happen during the day.

  It wasn’t strange that she should be dreaming about Jakob after her encounter with Kasimirh. God had betrayed her. That realization had a big impact on Lilith. She had always trusted Jakob. Not so long ago, she had even been prepared to return to Kasimirh if He wanted her to. With the Inuuk, Lilith had experienced what life could be like without Kasimirh’s assignments. During her stay with Ohinde and her family, Lilith had found the hope of a future spent in liberty. She had even dared to believe that Jakob had been the wind on the beach blowing her back to Icamm, stopping her from returning to Kasimirh. In hindsight, it had been the forerunner of a gale, nothing else.

  Knowing that Jakob didn’t care about her hurt even more than the idea of being abused in His name. In the latter case she at least was important.

  Lilith was startled by her own thoughts. All she had to do was look at Almor to know that it wasn’t true. She didn’t have to fight for him in return for his love. It was enough to be his daughter. Only on rare occasions had Lilith’s life been simple. She realized now that those were the most precious moments. She didn’t hate her father taking care of her any more. She enjoyed the fact that he was always around when she woke up.

  Like now. He came to sit next to her and helped her up. Then he picked up a bowl of the watery soup he had been preparing for her for days now. He brushed her hair behind her ears.

  “Would you like to try it on your own today?” he asked.

  Lilith picked up the spoon. She managed that, but it was harder to bring the spoon to her mouth. The spoon hit her chin and soup ran down her neck and onto her clothes. She shovelled the spoon into her mouth and swallowed the soup that was left. Almor wiped her neck clean and took the spoon from her.

  “Let me do it. We’ll try again tomorrow.”

  Lilith caressed his leg. Almor nodded wordlessly. He fastened a strand of her hair that had come loose. Lilith kept looking at him as he fed her. It suddenly hit her that she had never apologized for what she had done.

  Lilith laid her hand against his cheek. It wasn’t hard to transfer some energy. Almor immediately recognized it. He looked surprised and then smiled at her. He held her hand and kissed it. “It’s not your fault,” he said quietly. “Your fate was already sealed during the Purifications, when I managed to keep out of harm’s way.”

  “Now that you mention it, how did you do that?” Az-Zhara, who was in human form, walked past Lilith and sat down. He glanced at her and pulled the hide a bit further over her arm. “Or would you rather not tell me?”

  Almor looked at him and nodded. Then he fed Lilith another spoonful.

  “The people in the village where I grew up knew that a group of Margal’s followers was coming. Therefore, my parents and a couple they were friends with came up with a plan. She was human and he was a shapeshifter, so my parents and their friends traded partners. In the eyes of strangers I was now a human child. I didn’t see much of my mother those last few days. The only risk was that other people might betray us, but thankfully that didn’t happen. I think everybody realized how big a sacrifice the shapeshifters were making.” He looked sad as he held out another spoon to Lilith’s mouth.

  “I was there when my mother surrendered herself to the enemy. I saw them kill her and the others, and all the while I couldn’t show my grief. When the half-bloods were baptized with acid, I was safe.”

  Az-Zhara put a hand on Almor’s shoulder. “I’m sorry that you had to experience all that.”

  Lilith had been looking at her father, but now turned around to face Seraph. The hatred in his eyes had taken on another dimension. Or was it pain? He too, had seen them kill his father. He had been helpless when they had baptized Nander and it had been his own turn next.

  “Ignore him, Lilith,” Almor said.

  Lilith looked up at her father and saw that he was staring at Seraph as well.

  “He took everything from me. Not just you, but also my wife. After he had stolen you from us, our loving marriage turned cold. We lived side by side in silence, until I heard that a black dragon had attacked a village.

  “The renewed hope of getting you back brought us closer together. During our journey, Ludmilla sometimes momentarily touched me. It was only the tips of her fingers touching my hand, but it meant so much to me. She would look at me with joy in her eyes and lovingly tell me about you. It made me want to find you more than ever, because I knew that Ludmilla would take me back into her arms once we
had found you.

  “I could not have known that the day when I saw you again was the day I would lose my wife.” Almor bowed his head. “But that’s not your fault, Lilith. I don’t want you to think that.”

  Almor put down the bowl and turned Lilith onto her side. She reached for his hand and gave it a little squeeze. Almor looked at her. Lilith thought that he wanted to say something, but her father got up to take the bowl away. He passed Seraph. The Purified man looked at Almor as he walked past.

  “At least I made sure that there was a dragon who fought against Margal,” Seraph whispered.

  Almor stopped and slowly turned around. “What did you say?”

  “No dragon ever fought the Naftalians. I made sure that justice was finally done.”

  Almor kicked Seraph. “You could have taken a wife and had a child of your own. Why didn’t you do that? Why did you have to take my daughter? You’re a filthy…” Almor shook his head and walked away. Lilith saw that he was rigid with anger. For the first time she realized that Seraph and her father had more in common than she had thought.

  Almor came to sit with her again. “I should have known that Seraph was up to something. During the Purifications he came very close to betraying me. I was relieved that he didn’t, but little did I know that he was going to take revenge another way.” He grabbed Lilith’s hand. “If it had spared you, I would gladly have suffered through the Purifications.”

  Lilith’s gaze followed his scar. Maybe her father had been spared when Margal came to his village, but he hadn’t gotten away unscathed for long. No matter what he said, she definitely was to blame for the scars on his face and heart.

  Lilith pushed herself upright, but when she wanted to put her arm around him, she lost her balance. Almor caught her and held her close.

  “Fa…ther.”

  She was surprised at herself. She was able to speak again. She had reclaimed some more ground from Kasimirh.