Born in Light

by Kim ten Tusscher

She looked at Az-Zhara through the corner of her eye. Then she sat down on the ground and drew a wet blanket over her head. Her hand slid into her sleeve and she scratched at the wound again. She shivered every time that her nails dug into her flesh.

  Almor pulled away the blanket and came to sit next to her. “Everyone’s talking about Kasimirh’s death and your execution,” he said as he wrapped his arm around her. “Jakobinians and Merzians united as supporters and opponents of your death. You’ve brought them together. Maybe that’s the reason why Jakob’s choosing you.”

  Lilith grinded her teeth. She didn’t stop scratching until she had removed the entire scab. Minutes passed in silence.

  “I thought I knew you,” Az-Zhara said embittered. “But maybe you haven’t changed, and I was wrong. I was blinded by the woman I so badly wanted to see.”

  He walked away and lay down with his back towards her. Lilith looked at him. It hurt that he’d rejected her at a time like this. She needed him so much, but she realized that she was hurting him just as badly with her decision.

  “I’m scared,” Lilith said softly to Almor. She bit her knuckles and shivered uncontrollably. “But even now, it’s still easier to show my anger. These are my last hours with you both, and yet I’m arguing with you and pushing you away.”

  Almor nodded. “You don’t have to explain that to me. Of course I can see how scared you are.” He held her tight. Lilith laid her head on his chest. She listened to him breathing. His tears dripped onto her neck. “Therefore, I understand why you choose to die. I’m not sure that it’s the right decision, but I don’t think I have the right to force you to change your mind.”

  Lilith nodded. There was another prolonged silence.

  “What happened after you left me and Az-Zhara?” she asked.

  “I had almost reached Ferhdessar when I fell into Tokala’s hands.”

  Lilith looked at the grey stole lying in the mud. “I never thought you’d convert.”

  “The Naftalians didn’t get to me when they worshipped Margal. They won’t get to me now that they’re following Jakob, either.”

  Lilith smiled. “When the world ends, you at least will go to heaven. That makes me happy.”

  “I don’t think that Jakob will be fooled by a piece of fabric.” He sighed and looked at her. “Perhaps I’ll hand back the stole once you’re dead. I won’t have anything left to live for when you’re gone.”

  Lilith wanted to tell him to not do that, but she realized that she wasn’t entitled to tell him what to do. She looked at Az-Zhara. “He didn’t convert,” she said.

  “The Jakobinians haven’t presented him with the choice yet. Tokala understands that this isn’t the right time to make the Merzians choose. There’s too much uncertainty.” Almor caressed her arm.

  “He will convert,” Lilith said.

  Almor nodded. “I understand that it isn’t that easy for you. If you choose to be the prophet, it changes your life as well as who you are. Az-Zhara understands that, too.”

  Lilith bowed her head.

  “He loves you very much,” Almor said softly. “Go to him now while you still can.”

  Lilith thought about it. Az-Zhara had helped her find the power to go her own way. It had surprised her that he had been so quick to choose her side. Later, Az-Zhara had confided to her that he had instantly fallen in love with her, but because there had been other emotions as well, he hadn’t been able to show his feelings straight away.

  She felt the same. She had been scared of the dragon, but as soon as he had changed into human form, her attraction to him was only slightly less than her fear. She’d told him more than she would ever tell anyone.

  She gave Almor a kiss, got up, and walked to Az-Zhara.

  “Are you asleep?” she asked quietly.

  Az-Zhara immediately opened his eyes. “Of course not.”

  “Can I lie down with you?”

  “Please do.” He made some room so that she could lie next to him on the blanket. Lilith looked at his face. His eyes were red and swollen.

  “Are you angry with me?”

  He shrugged. “We’re all on edge.”

  Lilith reached out and caressed his cheek. Az-Zhara smiled at her and laid his hand on her hip. It felt as if he was protecting her from all evil. Right now, nobody could hurt her. Not even Jakob.

  “Thank you for giving me the most valuable thing a stranger could give me,” Lilith whispered as she played with a lock of his hair.

  Az-Zhara pulled her close and kissed her. “If there’s a God, then I hope He will make this moment last forever,” he said softly.

  “Jakob exists, but I don’t think that He’ll grant you your wish.”

  Lilith kept looking at him as she caressed his face. She wanted to see and feel him. This close, she could smell his scent through all the dirt. She didn’t hear anything but his breathing. Even the sound of the rain faded into the background. She kissed him again to taste him.

  “You’re right,” she whispered.

  Az-Zhara gave her a questioningly look.

  “I’ve been through a lot and I learned an important lesson. No matter how desperate my life was, there was always hope.”

  Az-Zhara sat up. “Does that mean… that you don’t want to die?”

  Lilith sat up as well and nestled herself against him. “Would you give up everything you have to stand by my side?” she asked softly. “Even when it is hard?”

  Almor moved his head. He was clearly listening in on their conversation.

  “You’re the only thing in the world that I care about. So yes, I will stand by you.”

  “And will you always be honest to me about the things that I do? You know what I stand for. Jakob will try to change that, but will you keep reminding me of what I want? And will you point out the things that I do wrong according to my own values, even when Jakob expects those things from me?”

  Az-Zhara held her even closer, as if he was never going to let her go again. “I promise. I’ll cherish the Lilith that I’ve come to know. I’ll help you to remember her and to find a way to stay her, whatever Jakob asks of you.”

  Almor looked up.

  Lilith shivered. “Then I shall become Jakob’s prophet.”

  39

  Tokala stood with his back to Lilith. After Almor had told Mitan about Lilith’s decision, Lilith had been brought to Tokala’s tent by his guards.

  “You’ve changed your mind? Did your fear get the better of you?” he mocked.

  “Fear played no part in my decision.” Lilith straightened her shoulders. For the first time in her life she had made a decision that wasn’t based on fear. “My future is a given. When I die I go to hell, and now that I choose Jakob, my life won’t be much better.”

  Tokala turned around. He eyed her inquisitively. Surprise showed on his face as he went down on his knees. “There’s a glow around you that Kasimirh also had in the beginning. Now I realize that his glow slowly faded away.”

  Lilith looked at her hands and at the mirror next to the bed. She didn’t see what Tokala meant.

  Tokala came back up. “I take it that you would like to prepare. I’ll send someone to help you.”

  “Prepare for what?” Lilith asked.

  “For the moment that you present yourself to your people.”

  Tokala bowed and walked past her. Lilith turned around.

  “They aren’t my people. They’re Jakob’s people.”

  Tokala turned back. “Of course, my lady. My apologies.” He backed out of the tent.

  Lilith sighed and looked around. The tent was luxurious. The armchair looked very appealing, but Lilith was afraid to sit in it. She would soil the soft pillows with mud. Instead, she sat down on the ground. A tapestry caught her eye. It was a Naftalian scene with giraffes and zebras.

  Lilith looked around again. To the side there was a chest with some books on top. Writing materials lay on a table. She recognized the pen that Kasimirh had used to write his books. Lilith felt ill
at ease and it was hard to sit still.

  Four men entered. They each carried two buckets of steaming-hot water. They disappeared behind a tapestry on which Nadesh was depicted. Lilith recognized the tapestry from the palace. The men emptied their buckets and left her alone. She caught a glimpse of the bathtub behind the tapestry.

  The men returned several times. Lilith didn’t pay them any attention. She wondered what was going to happen from now on. What was expected of her when she showed herself to the Jakobinians?

  Jakob tried to impose Himself on her. He had the answers she was looking for, but Lilith had decided to block Him out for as long as she was able to. What was expected of her would eventually become clear.

  Lost in thought Lilith hadn’t noticed the two women who had entered the tent and were standing in front of her. Now she looked up. One of the women was Mitan. She bowed to Lilith who regarded her closely. Each time that Lilith saw her, she hoped that Mitan wouldn’t always look so neat and tidy. If only she would have a dirty nail or a plait that had come loose, anything to indicate that she was casting off Kasimirh’s yoke.

  The priestess was accompanied by a Purified student. Lilith got to her feet. She looked at the two women. She wondered what she was supposed to do. Were they waiting for a sign from her?

  “You can stand up straight,” Lilith said softly.

  The women did as they were told. Lilith shook her head. Who was she to tell others what they were allowed to do?

  “Lady, I’m honoured to serve you,” the student said quietly.

  Lilith recognized the voice immediately. “Ghalatea,” she stammered.

  The Ancilla Princeps looked up.

  “How wonderful that you’re here.” Lilith took hold of Ghalatea’s hands. The presence of the Ancilla Princeps put her at ease. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m fine, thank you.”

  “It must have been hard for you, Yvar’s death and the destruction of Nadesh. I know how much you cared about the king and Merzia.”

  Ghalatea nodded.

  “How have you been? What’s happened to you?” Lilith asked curiously.

  Ghalatea briefly looked at her and then bowed her head again.

  “My lady, if you’ll allow us, we’ll help you get undressed and then we’ll wash you,” Mitan said.

  Lilith nodded. She extended her arms. The two women took off her wet clothes. Ghalatea undid the provisional bandage that Az-Zhara had applied on Lilith’s arm. Ghalatea’s soft hands on her body calmed Lilith.

  “Once more, you’re taking care of me and my wounds,” Lilith whispered.

  The Ancilla Princeps avoided her gaze. She turned around and threw the bandages on a heap.

  The two women washed Lilith in silence. They used dozens of cloths to remove all the dirt from the past weeks. Then they helped her into the bath.

  Mitan carefully washed Lilith’s hair. Ghalatea brought her a cup of tea. Lilith closed her eyes and took a sip. The warmth slowly penetrated the inner core of her body. Meanwhile, Ghalatea rubbed ointments on Lilith’s wounds and dressed them with clean bandages.

  Lilith opened her eyes. “Ghalatea?”

  The Ancilla Princeps stopped unwinding the bandages and looked up. Lilith grabbed her hand. “Have you heard anything from your husband?”

  Ghalatea bowed her head. Lilith couldn’t help but notice that she shivered.

  “I saw Rogan, shortly after Ferhdessar died. He left with Nigesanla. I don’t know where they are now, but he looked well in as far as I could tell.”

  Ghalatea swallowed. “He’s a heathen, and I know what you’ll do to the heathens.” Her hands trembled.

  Lilith looked at her in dismay. Ghalatea thought that Lilith would mercilessly kill her husband, and yet she was serving her.

  This was a completely different woman from the one Lilith had met in the palace. Ghalatea had turned her back on her when she had discovered what Lilith had done. She had punished her severely when Lilith had beaten up a maidservant in a fit of anger. Later, their bond had improved, but Lilith had always known that Ghalatea would keep pointing out her mistakes. She had looked up to the Ancilla Princeps, and she had done her best to behave.

  But now Ghalatea was a meek as a lamb. Every scrap of fighting spirit had disappeared. She was no longer a role model for Lilith.

  “What did they do to you?” Lilith whispered.

  “I’ve learned,” Ghalatea answered. “I now walk in Jakob’s light.”

  Lilith shook her head. “I recall that you even criticized lord Yvar’s decisions, even though you held him in high esteem. Why aren’t you telling me that what you think I’m about to do is wrong? You should at least be begging me for your husband’s life.”

  Their gazes locked only briefly. “You’re preaching lord Jakob’s message. How could I criticize that?”

  Lilith sighed. The Ancilla Princeps had become a spineless follower. Just like the rest. She looked at Mitan. The priestess had briefly had the power to rise up against Kasimirh, but her doubts had been beaten out of her. Lilith had seen in Tokala’s eyes that he sometimes was troubled by the path that Kasimirh had taken. Tokala had been the second most powerful man in the Jakobinian Empire, but even he hadn’t dared to voice his doubts.

  Lilith thought about her own future. She was going to have a group of fearful followers. No one would dare to contradict her. What kind of a life was she giving these people? What right did she have to lead them this way?

  She hoped that Az-Zhara would be able to keep his promise. She was going to need his critical mind.

  Lilith looked at the luxury surrounding her. Even the silver candlesticks didn’t look as shiny as they had only moments before. There was still steam coming off the water in the bath, but the water felt cold on her skin.

  Lilith got up. Mitan immediately showed up to help her out of the bath. Ghalatea draped a soft, fragrant towel around her shoulders. She carefully rubbed her dry.

  Lilith’s eye spotted the caftan hanging over the mirror. Silver waves and green fishes were woven into the blue silk. She shivered. She had been tied down in many ways during her lifetime, but as of today she would be wearing the softest and yet the most oppressive chains she had ever worn.

  Ghalatea and Mitan helped her into several layers of clean underwear. They put her down on a chair. Lilith felt little tugs on her head, as Ghalatea plaited her hair. After that, Mitan helped her up. Lilith closed her eyes. The caftan was pulled over her head. Ghalatea straightened the fabric. A belt was fastened around her middle to give some shape to the baggy robe.

  Lilith opened her eyes. Mitan was standing to her left and Ghalatea to her right. Together, they draped the azure stole around her shoulders. Lilith flinched when the silk touched her. The two women took a step back and knelt down. Lilith saw her own reflection in the mirror and turned around.

  It was done, there was no way back.

  Az-Zhara entered. He had been washed as well, and he was wearing clean clothes. This was the first time she’d seen him in something other than white. He walked up to her and kissed her cheek.

  “I have something for you. Tokala gave it to me.”

  He pinned the amulet on her. Then he placed his hand on it. “Qi stai qi,” he whispered.

  Lilith nodded and leaned against him. How long would she be able to stay true to herself when Jakob started to give her assignments, and even old friends like Ghalatea kept their distance?

  “Are you ready?” Az-Zhara asked.

  Lilith shook her head. She put her hand in his elbow. He led her to the tent’s exit. She hesitated briefly before she stepped outside. Jakob’s followers were waiting for her, ready to greet her.

  Lilith took the final step. The clouds broke. Rays of sunlight fell on her face. The wind whispered Jakob’s message in her ears.

  ***

  Dear reader,

  You have reached the end of this journey. There are more stories to be told about Lilith, but for now, they are only available in Dutch. I ho
pe to be able to get them translated in the future.

  This was not only Liliths journey, but also the start of my own. In the Netherlands, I’ve gained many enthusiastic readers, but across the borders getting these books translated was the first step towards a bigger audience. You can help me reach my goal by spreading your opinion about this story with the people you know. I’d be thrilled if you leave a review on websites like Goodreads and Amazon. This will help me to reach more and more readers.

  Maybe you are a book blogger or you have a podcast? I’m definitely interested in working with you, so feel free to contact me for interviews, guest blogs and so on.

  I wish you many more fantastic books to read!

  Best wishes,

  Kim.