Dork Diaries Book 7: Tales From a Not-So-Glam TV Star

by Rachel Renée Russell

“Um . . . using my calculator?”

  “Then why is it vibrating?”

  I racked my brain for a logical reason why a calculator would be vibrating.

  “Um . . . how about it’s really nervous because it doesn’t know the answer to the problem?!”

  My teacher frowned and started walking quickly toward me with her hand held out to do a surprise CPCBT (Cell Phone Confiscation By Teacher).

  I panicked and froze like a deer in headlights.

  That’s when I remembered the most important SGTCWGC guideline of them all: What to Do in the Event of a Surprise CPCBT.

  HANDLING A SURPRISE CPCBT

  If a teacher ever approaches you and extends his/her hand for a CPCBT (Cell Phone Confiscation by Teacher), DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR PHONE! Instead, simply open your mouth, take out the gum you are chewing, and place it in the palm of his/her hand. S/he’ll be SO utterly DISGUSTED s/he’ll quickly FORGET the reason s/he approached you.

  Unfortunately, I didn’t have any gum.

  I had given my last piece to Chloe after gym class earlier today !

  But lucky for me, I DID know where to FIND some gum in a middle school classroom !

  And LOTS of it.

  As my teacher marched toward me, I quickly reached under my desk and grabbed the biggest wad of gum I could find.

  And YES! It was REALLY, REALLY gross.

  But . . .

  I was REALLY, REALLY, REALLY desperate NOT to LOSE my cell phone!

  This is what happened. . . .

  ME, GRABBING A HUGE, RANDOM, REALLY GROSS WAD OF GUM FROM UNDER MY DESK!

  Then, with all eyes on me, I shoved that wad of gum into my mouth and started chewing away. . . .

  ME, CHEWING A HUGE, RANDOM, REALLY GROSS WAD OF GUM FROM UNDER MY DESK!

  My teacher gasped and stopped cold in her tracks! Then she looked like she was about to gag. Finally she regained her composure and just shook her head in disbelief. She walked to her desk, collapsed into her chair, and spent the rest of the hour trying in vain to figure out WHY she EVER chose to become a teacher.

  I could hear the disgusted remarks of my classmates. But I didn’t care.

  I STILL had my phone !!! WOO-HOO!

  The MORAL of this story: If you text in class on a regular basis, ALWAYS follow the SGTCWGC. And most important, NEVER, EVER get caught without GUM! Because if you do, when your teacher comes to confiscate YOUR cell phone, you’ll be forced to either:

  1. CHEW a wad of gum from that HUGE, but very NASTY, emergency supply conveniently stuck under your DESK !!

  OR

  2. LOSE your BELOVED cell phone !!

  Hey, the choice is YOURS!

  Anyway, it’s hard to believe our listening party is only two days away! I can hardly wait!

  Even though I’m SUPERexcited about it, I still get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I think about the whole Brandon thing.

  I’ll never forgive myself if it’s MY fault that he doesn’t get his entry in on time and loses out on that opportunity for scholarship money. Just great !!

  Since I was feeling a little depressed, I decided to go to the studio to practice my vocals with the music tracks.

  I really love my song “DORKS RULE!” And singing it always makes me feel better about my own very dorky, out-of-control life. Especially with all of the drama I’ve been having lately.

  I was at the studio, totally lost in my song, when I got an unexpected visitor. . . .

  ME, PRACTICING IN THE STUDIO WHEN AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR DROPS IN

  It was BRANDON !!

  I was shocked and surprised to see HIM, of all people. He smiled and waved.

  As I sang he stared at me through the window. He seemed to be in a serious mood, even a little sad.

  After I finished the song, he actually clapped for me and I playfully took a bow.

  That’s when the most brilliant idea suddenly popped into my head.

  “This is PERFECT timing, Brandon!” I said as he entered the booth. “I’m about done here. So let’s go across the street to Crazy Burger and work on your project! It’ll be MY treat!”

  “Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I’m a little bummed right now about this whole scholarship thing. I guess I just need to vent,” Brandon said, shoving his hands into his pockets and staring at the floor.

  “I don’t blame you. If I were you, I’d be mad at me too! But I can help you right now if—”

  “Nikki, I’m NOT mad. Well, not at YOU, anyway. It took a lot of digging, but I was able to get all of your interview info by using material from your TV show and previous newspaper articles. I FINALLY got it done and submitted it to the scholarship committee yesterday.”

  “Are you serious?! It’s DONE?!!” I shrieked in surprise. “That’s great news, Brandon!”

  It felt like a ton of bricks had suddenly been lifted off my shoulders.

  “Congratulations! I’m really happy for you!” I gushed.

  “Well, don’t be. Unfortunately, I just got an e-mail two hours ago from the committee, saying my entry was rejected! Apparently, someone else had already submitted a project almost identical to mine!”

  “NO WAY!!” I gasped in disbelief. “That’s impossible! Yours is about a WCD student working on a once-in-a-lifetime project with Trevor Chase! No one else is doing that but ME! There HAS to be some kind of mistake!”

  Brandon shook his head in disgust. “They told me the person’s name. I’ll give you one guess!” The name came out of my mouth like a foul taste!

  “MACKENZIE!!!” I groaned. “Why would she even be applying for a scholarship? Her family is loaded! And why would she steal YOUR topic?”

  “Who knows? Maybe because I told her about it. Which I realize now was a stupid thing to do.”

  I was speechless! And I felt totally responsible.

  If Brandon hadn’t been wasting time waiting around for me to help him (while I was busy snoozing in the library or fighting with MacKenzie over choreography), he probably would have finished and submitted his entry weeks ago. I blinked back my tears.

  BRANDON, TELLING ME THE VERY BAD NEWS THAT HIS SCHOLARSHIP ENTRY WAS REJECTED!!

  “No, it’s not, Nikki! Just because I applied for the scholarship doesn’t mean I was actually going to get it. Besides, I can get a summer job at Crazy Burger or even Queasy Cheesy. I know it won’t even begin to cover my entire tuition. But every little bit will help! Right?!”

  THAT made me feel even WORSE!

  “But, Brandon, you spend your summers helping out at Fuzzy Friends! You LOVE that place!”

  “I’ll just have to find some volunteers to replace me. It’s NOT the end of the world!”

  I buried my face in my hands and tried to think. “I know! You can start working on a NEW project! Tonight! And I can help by—”

  “Nikki, the deadline is this Saturday at midnight. That’s just two days! I’d never get it done in time. Plus, we have the listening party at Swanky Hill. After all your hard work, I wouldn’t miss that for the world!”

  Suddenly I became angry. Not so much at Brandon, but at myself!

  “Brandon, don’t be so immature! That scholarship is ten times more important than hanging out at some ski resort with your best buds. Besides, I really don’t WANT you at the listening party if it’s just a convenient excuse for you to give up like this! I don’t need that on MY conscience!”

  Brandon looked stunned and hurt. I immediately wished I could take back my words. It had ALWAYS been about ME these past few weeks! I had turned into a self-centered, egotistical SNOB! Right before my very own eyes! But Brandon was way too nice to tell me that. Instead, he just shrugged and stared at me. “Whatever, Nikki. I’ll think about it, okay? See you later.”

  I felt just . . . HORRIBLE! “Wait! Brandon, we—”

  But that was all I managed to say before he grabbed his coat and walked out the door. WHY did I keep hurting my friend like this ?!

  A wave of hopelessne
ss washed over me, and my heart actually ached. I sighed deeply and turned on the track to “Dorks Rule!” again. Only, instead of singing my song . . .

  I mostly cried through it. !!

  FRIDAY, MARCH 28

  I was still pretty upset about Brandon. But today was my last martial arts class, and my main goal was to survive it.

  The final exam included a test of skill and a test of knowledge. After totally bombing the Hawk’s pop quiz, I knew I had to bust my butt to get a passing grade.

  So I had studied before and after school and between reality show filming, voice lessons, band rehearsals, dance practice, and recording at the studio.

  Then, just to be on the safe side, I watched all of the Karate Kid movies (again) back-to-back and took notes.

  “Today, pip-squeaks, is judgment day!” Sensei Hawk announced dramatically. “You will be put through several rigorous trials and mental challenges. If you have what it takes to complete these tasks, you will become a full-fledged Hawkling. Can you handle the Hawk’s epic exam of DOOM?!”

  I glanced around the room and everyone was sweating bullets. It looked like I wasn’t the ONLY one who had failed that stupid quiz.

  “Here’s the first part of your challenge. It will test your knowledge,” the Hawk said as he passed out the written part of the exam. “You have only fifteen minutes to complete it. You may begin now. If you DARE!”

  As I read over the test I started to panic and my mind went completely blank. It didn’t help that MacKenzie was glaring at me from across the room.

  Finally I closed my eyes and took three deep breaths. I KNEW this stuff. I just needed to FOCUS!

  Luckily, I finished the test just as time ran out! The Hawk quickly corrected them as we warmed up for the physical part of our test.

  I couldn’t believe it, but all my studying really paid off!

  THE HAWK’S FINAL EXAM NAME: Nikki Maxwell

  There are many different styles of martial arts. Name at least 8:

  1) Kung Fu

  2) Karate

  3) Jiujitsu

  4) Judo

  5) Aikido

  6) Muay Thai

  7) Tai Chi

  8) Tae Kwon Do

  Name at least 3 for each of the following:

  Kicks- front kick, side kick, & roundhouse kick

  Blocks- upper block, lower block & outside block

  Strikes- palm strike, claw strike & elbow strike

  Stances- ready stance, cat stance & long stance

  What color belt is the lowest rank, and what does the color represent?

  WHITE BELT - the lack of color means the student is a beginner with no knowledge of martial arts. As the student progresses, color belts are awarded based on knowledge and advancement of skills. Typical belt colors by rank are white, yellow, orange, green, blue, purple, brown, red, and black.

  Match the following words with their definitions:

  “Maxwell! Very impressive!” he said to me with a nod of approval. And a mouthful of spaghetti.

  The entire class stared in disbelief as a meatball rolled down his chin and bounced off his belly and landed on the gym floor with a SPLAT.

  The second part of the exam was the physical challenge, and it was definitely rigorous. We had to punch and kick for over thirty minutes!

  “I . . . am so NOT going to miss this class!” Zoey panted.

  “J-just hang in there!” I panted back. “It’ll all be over very soon!”

  CHLOE, ZOEY, AND ME, COMPLETING OUR PHYSICAL TESTING IN MARTIAL ARTS CLASS

  “UGH! . . .” Chloe looked around for our teacher. “I don’t think it’ll be over anytime soon, guys! Turkey leg at six o’clock!”

  She pointed at Sensei Hawkins sitting on the bleachers with a giant turkey leg in his mouth.

  “Oh, that’s just terrific!” Zoey stopped punching and groaned. “Nikki, I normally don’t condone violence. But PLEASE sucker punch him again! And put an end to this MADNESS!”

  “Shhhh! Just calm down, Zoey!” I said. “You know I can’t do that!”

  “SENSEI HAWKINS!” MacKenzie screamed. “My armpits are getting sweaty and my curls are going flat! We have to stop NOW!”

  Sensei tossed the turkey leg bone over his shoulder and took one last slurp from his supersize soda.

  Then he looked at the clock.

  “Time is up! Please stop. The Hawk’s meal, er, I mean, intense TESTING is finally complete,” he announced. “Please line up!”

  Chloe, Zoey, and I were so exhausted we could barely walk. Somehow, we managed to stagger to our place in line.

  “CONGRATULATIONS! You have all completed the second challenge! Let the Hawkling Award Ceremony commence!” he said proudly.

  I have to admit, the Hawk’s teaching methods are very creative and a little weird. And so are the yellow karate belts he gave us.

  They are covered in shiny glitter and sequins to, as he put it, “blind your enemies with jealousy!” At least he got the BLINDING part right. But I’m not complaining! I’m SUPERproud of the belt he gave me.

  It has sparkly fake diamonds that spell out “Most Improved.”

  OMG! I never would have thought I’d actually win a martial arts award!

  CHLOE, ZOEY, AND I SUCCESSFULLY EARN OUR YELLOW BELTS!!

  “May the claw be with you, Hawklings! You’re welcome to train at my dojo anytime.” Then the Hawk bowed to us. “Sayonara!”

  After spending almost a month with the crazy guy, I was a little sad to see him go.

  I’m really going to miss the narcissism, the way he yelled at us, and that never-ending supply of food that he somehow kept stuffed in his shirt.

  Who knows? One day I just might pay his dojo a visit.

  But enough of that sentimental sissy talk! Hawklings don’t shed tears! Hey, I’M so TOUGH, I make my TEARS cry!

  HIII-YIAAA!!

  Now I just need to find a sixteen-piece bucket of chicken wing-dings to snack on!

  !!

  SATURDAY, MARCH 29

  Today was finally the day of our “Dorks Rule!” listening party at Swanky Hill Ski Resort!

  Even though I felt bad about Brandon possibly missing out, I was looking forward to actually seeing the place I’d heard so much about from the kids at school. MacKenzie and all of the CCP girls were planning to have their sweet sixteen birthday parties there.

  As a special surprise and a reward for all of my hard work, Trevor Chase booked a VIP suite for an overnight stay for my family and me!

  He’d also arranged for us to be picked up and transported by a limo service! YES! We were actually riding to Swanky Hill in a limo like REAL celebrities! SQUEEEE!!!

  After arriving, we are going to have a special breakfast prepared by a private chef right in our suite!

  Then we were going to spend the ENTIRE day hanging out on the slopes, relaxing in the spa, and lounging around the pool. It’s going to be FABULICIOUS!

  And later that evening, at 7:00 p.m., I’d be meeting up with my band members in the convention center for our listening party.

  Due to the popularity of the TV show, we were expecting twenty busloads of fans from neighboring schools, in addition to those arriving by car.

  The first one thousand people would be able to buy a copy of our “Dorks Rule!” CD ten days early.

  I couldn’t contain my excitement when the iron gates opened and we traveled on a private drive up this huge snow-covered mountain.

  Then, tucked inside a grove of evergreen trees, was the entrance to Swanky Hill.

  “OMG! Just look at this place! SWEET!!” I gushed. . . .

  MY FAMILY AND ME, ARRIVING BY LIMO AT SWANKY HILL SKI RESORT!!

  Swanky Hill isn’t an ordinary, run-of-the-mill family ski resort. It is known for its luxurious facilities, five-star restaurants, to-die-for spa treatments, first-class country club, convention center, and even celebrity sightings.

  And today, in addition to our special event, it was hosting the Extreme Ski Championshi
p!

  It’s a competition where crazy young people ski down slopes, dodging trees and boulders, and doing double flips off of cliffs. How COOL is THAT? !!

  So the resort was crowded with spectators, tourists, and skiers.

  While we were checking in, the resort clerk asked if we wanted to use their designer ski apparel and equipment because it was all FREE with our VIP reservations.

  OMG! It was like being at a large ski boutique in the mall or something. The stuff was beyond GORGEOUS! It was SWANKY!!

  But my dad told her no thanks! He said that we were all set because he and my mom had pretty much MADE everything we needed.

  Okay! That’s when I started to get a little REALLY worried.

  Mainly because “normal” people don’t “make” ski apparel and equipment. Especially if they’re VIP celeb guests at Swanky Hill for a listening party.

  OMG! When I first saw our ski gear, I could barely stand to look at it. It was just THAT ugly! But mostly I couldn’t look because the bright yellow fluorescent color was almost blinding.

  But the weirdest thing was that all the gear looked vaguely familiar. Suddenly I remembered where I’d seen all of it before.

  Last summer I went with Dad to the annual City Hall Rummage Sale, where the various departments sell off excess and unwanted uniforms, equipment, supplies, and other items.

  Dad thought he’d hit the jackpot when he stumbled upon some fluorescent yellow glow-in-the-dark winter sanitation suits that the city garbage workers hated and were trying to get rid of.

  And when he saw the large sign above them that said FREE! PLEASE TAKE AS MANY AS YOU CAN CARRY!! he went crazy and grabbed one for every member of our family.

  He also snagged some used wool hats, sanitation goggles, and hazmat boots and gloves that were only $1.00 each.

  Dad had started this fiasco, but it was quite obvious that Mom had finished it—as one massive craft project.

  She had decorated our sanitation snowsuits by adding red velvet hearts to the pockets, elbows, and knees, and plastic-jeweled heart trim down the legs and arms. Our hats and hazmat ski boots, gloves, and goggles were trimmed with red hearts as well.