My Favorite Sin

by Lina Langley

  I nod. “Yeah, I guess,” I reply. “But I’m still going to go. And I guess I’m worried that I won’t be able to stop myself from hurting him, if… when that happens.”

  “So you’re just going to let things stay as they are and hope you never have to talk to him again?”

  I shake my head. “No,” I say. “I mean, maybe.”

  He looks me up and down. “Ugh,” he says. “I kind of hate this, but I can’t let you do that. Come on.”

  “Come on?”

  “Yes,” he says. “I’m taking you to see your boyfriend.”

  “He’s not my—”

  “Yeah,” he says. “And you need to beg him to give you a chance, because it seems to me like you fucked things up with everyone.”

  I raise my eyebrows.

  “Hey, I’m an asshole, not blind,” he says. “And in any case, if you want to be with someone, you should get to be with them.”

  I lick my lips, which are dry. “What if he doesn’t want to be with me?”

  “Honestly? If he doesn’t want to be with you, he’s an idiot,” Montgomery quietly replies. “If you don’t want me to take you there, I won’t, but…”

  “No,” I say. “I do. Please take me there.”

  “Good,” he replies. “I love seeing a romance blossom. And, honestly, I like seeing you happy.”

  “I don’t understand,” I say.

  “Well, I’m a mystery wrapped in an enigma,” he says. “And I expect you to at least buy me dinner for this.”

  “Got it,” I reply. I follow him out the door, but my heart is beating fast in my chest. I don’t know what I’m going to say to Cyrus when I see him. What could I possibly say that’s going to make this all better?

  I could tell him I was wrong, but I don’t know what about. “Where does he live?” Montgomery says as he gets on his bike.

  “Not far,” I say, getting on behind him. I wrap my arms around his waist as the bike purrs under us.

  “Good,” he replies. “I wouldn’t want your bullshit to take up too much of my time.”

  When he puts the bike in reverse, I can’t help but smile.

  CONTINUE

  I knock on his door very loudly, almost certain I’m waking him up. I’m about to start kicking it when he comes to the door. Montgomery is waiting on his bike. He takes out his phone and gives me a thumbs up. “You go this, choirboy,” he says, his voice muffled from the helmet.

  I flash him a smile and wait as I hear footsteps coming toward me.

  Cyrus opens the door, looking like he hasn’t gotten a wink of sleep. He looks me up and down before he fully opens the door, glancing at Montgomery, waving at him quickly. “You call people before you show up,” he says, glaring at me. “That’s basic manners. Amparo would be so disappointed.”

  I roll my eyes. I didn’t want to guilt trip him, but of course he started this conversation by name dropping my mother.

  “Can we talk?” I ask.

  He rolls his eyes, but he moves away from the door. He’s wearing nothing but a shirt and these boxers that look like they’re far too big on him. I would normally tease him about it, but right now, it feels unimportant. “I told you I needed space,” he says as he walks with me toward the living room.

  “I know,” I say. “Any other time, I would have given you space. Right now, this is too important. I didn’t want to tell you over the phone.”

  “You didn’t want to tell me what over the phone?” he says, looking me up and down.

  I think there might be a chance he might be expecting me to say something else, but even if there was anything else to say, it’s too late for that. Too many things have changed and I’m going to leave. I’m going to be a priest.

  I don’t even sit down as I turn to speak to him. “I’m leaving,” I say. “I’m going to seminary.”

  He stares at me for a second, then drops his gaze to the ground. He clears his throat before he speaks. “Good,” he says. “It’s what you’ve almost wanted to do, right?”

  “Right,” I say. “I don’t—I don’t want to leave with things being bad between us, Cy.”

  He smiles at me, but it never quite reaches his eyes. “They won’t be,” he says. “I’ll get over it.”

  I don’t want him to get over it. I want everything to be okay now, I want us to be okay. I want everything to go back to normal.

  “I owe you an apology.”

  He shrugs his shoulders. “No, you don’t,” he says. “I expected you not to make things awkward and I did a pretty good job of that myself.”

  “It’s okay,” I say, closing my eyes. “I just want things to be the way they were before. Before any of this happened.”

  He laughs quietly. “I don’t,” he says. “Have you ever thought about what I want?”

  I nod. “Of course I have,” I say. “You want to go to LA, make it in the music business. Right?”

  He glares at me, but then he sighs. “Sure, I guess.”

  “Is that not what you want?” I ask.

  He scoffs, his arms now crossed over his chest. “Don’t, okay? Don’t.”

  “Cy…”

  He sucks in his cheek. “This is why I wanted space,” he says. “Because I knew talking to you would be hard. Because I thought I would end up saying something that I regretted. And now you’re here and I’m just going to say it, because honestly, you need to hear it.”

  I watch him, saying nothing.

  He gets close to me, so close I can feel his breath on my skin. “You should become a priest,” he says. “Because you’re one of the most selfish, entitled people I’ve ever met. Maybe it’ll teach you how to look around you and stop being such a dick. You think you’re the only one who is affected by your insecurity? By how wishy-washy you are? You think I haven’t second guessed myself because I don’t know what you’re going to do?”

  “Cy—”

  “No, you’re going to listen to me,” he says. “Because you never fucking do. You always make assumptions and you never ask me how I feel.”

  “I didn’t—”

  “Don’t,” he says. “Don’t talk. Be a priest. Maybe it’ll teach you how to be a good person.”

  “That’s not fair,” I say.

  He nods. “You’re right,” he says. “It’s not. Now get out of my house. Oh, and Alex? Drop the whole ingénue act. It’s grating.”

  By the time he’s done, there are tears welling up in my eyes. “Cy—”

  “Out,” he says. “Get out of my house.”

  CONTINUE

  Montgomery knows better than to ask. He drives me home in silence when he sees my face. When I walk into the apartment before him, he grabs my shoulder. I turn around to look at him. “What?”

  “It’s going to be okay,” he says. “Whatever happened. He’ll get over it.”

  I nod, but I don’t know if I believe him. I want to, it just doesn’t seem to make any sense to me. I make a beeline for my bedroom and close the door softly behind me. I appreciate Montgomery, but he isn’t really helping me out right now. Everything is far too hard for me to deal with, I don’t even know where to start.

  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do without Cyrus. He’s always just been a phone call away when I needed him, which I suppose is part of the problem. I’ve always taken him for granted and I think I might have changed our relationship for good. I close my eyes as I go sit on my bed. I lean back on the headboard and take a few deep breaths. They’re supposed to help, but they aren’t. Not in the slightest.

  When I open my eyes, I know the truth. I can’t stay here.

  I can’t stop Cyrus from pursuing his dreams and I certainly can’t be around if all I’m going to do is hurt his feelings more than I already have.

  I’m going to go off to seminary and I’m going to try to become a priest, just like I always wanted. Before things got so complicated. Before they turned into this, whatever the fuck this is. I walk over to my laptop, which is on my dresser, grab it, sit on my bed
and put it on my legs before I open it.

  I go on the seminary’s website, the green and blue logo prominent everywhere I go. There’s no way I can escape this now. I log into the site and click on the admissions button.

  This is it. All I have to do is put in a deposit and I’m in. I sigh as I look at what they need from me.

  “This is what you’ve always wanted,” I tell myself. “Just pull the trigger.”

  I look at my phone, which hasn’t rung or beeped. There are no notifications lights blinking on it. Cyrus isn’t going to reach out to me and I just need to come to terms with that.

  I finish inputting my credit card number and the website starts to celebrate.

  Congratulations, Alejandro Del Bosque! We look forward to seeing you in September for orientation.

  There’s more after that, but I don’t read any of it. I slam my laptop shut, put it on my bed and lie down next to it.

  This is good, I tell myself as I stare at the popcorn ceiling. This is what you’ve always wanted.

  Maybe if I say it enough times, it’ll start sounding like the truth.

  CONTINUE

  I call Lawrence a few days later. I know things will be awkward between us, but I need him right now. Not as someone I fucked things up with, as a friend. Because I think that’s what he wanted in the first place and I pushed him away like a fucking idiot. I could ask Montgomery, but something about that feels wrong. I don’t want him to feel any sorrier for me than he already does.

  Lawrence picks up the phone almost immediately after I call him. “Alejandro,” he says. “What a pleasant surprise.”

  “Thank you,” I reply. “It’s been a while.”

  “It has,” he says. “How has your summer been thus far?”

  I want to reply that it has been weird and I sort of wish it hadn’t happened, but that’s not really any of his business. “Not great,” I say. “Listen. I owe you an apology.”

  “No, you don’t,” he replies. “If anything, what happened was my… I owe you an apology,” he says.

  I laugh. “Can we both agree we owe each other apologies and move on?”

  Even though I can’t see him, I can tell he’s smiling. “Yes,” he says. “That seems like the best course of acting. I’m glad you reached out.”

  I swallow. “Why?”

  “Well,” he says. “I don’t think I would have liked it if you left if you weren’t on friendly terms.”

  “Right,” I say. “Thank you. For everything. That makes me feel a lot better.”

  “Good,” he says. “Now let’s get to the point of your call.”

  “It was my apology,” I say thinly.

  He laughs. “No, it wasn’t. What can I do for you?”

  I swallow. Any other time, I would have asked Cyrus to take me to the airport, but not now. There’s no way I can ask Cyrus to do anything for me now. “I need you to drop me off,” I say. “Before I go to seminary. I don’t—I don’t want to take a taxi to the airport.”

  There’s a pause before he answers. “Of course,” he says. “That’s absolutely no problem.”

  “Thank you,” I say. “I appreciate it. I’m sorry if things are awkward.”

  “They won’t be, not on my account. I’m proud of you, Alejandro.”

  I nod, tears welling up in my eyes. I’m glad he can’t see me.

  “Are you nervous?”

  “Yes,” I say. “I thought I would be more excited by now.”

  “You’re not,” he says. It’s not a question, but I can tell that he’s probing.

  I swallow. “There are a few things… a few more things… that are going on in my personal life,” I say. “I think they might be making me feel less excited about it than I should be.”

  He waits for a few seconds. “Do you want to talk about?”

  I lick my lips. I didn’t realize how dry and chapped my lips are. “I don’t know if there’s anything to talk about,” I say. “My best friend and I are sort of in a fight and I’m worried that I’m going to leave without making up with him.”

  “And you feel like you can’t reach out to him so that you can reconcile?”

  “I’m… I don’t know how to apologize,” I reply. “I don’t know where to start.”

  “Like you did with me?”

  “No,” I say, about to tell him that it’s bigger than that. “It’s… no. Not like I did with you.”

  “Okay,” he says.

  I take a deep breath. “But I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be burdening you with this.”

  He laughs quietly. “I asked,” he says. “And I’m glad I did. Because it seems to me like you needed to talk.”

  I smile. “Yeah,” I reply, knowing I won’t talk any more about this. “Thank you. This is helpful.”

  “Of course,” he says. “Just send me the details and I’ll make sure to pick you up.”

  “Okay,” I say. I can feel a tug at the corner of my lips. “Thank you. I really appreciate that.”

  “Don’t worry, Alejandro,” he says. “You’re not alone.”

  I thank him again and scramble to get off the phone, because I’m pretty sure that if I keep talking to him, I’m going to burst into tears and make a fool of myself. I stare at the phone after I’ve hung up and then lie back on the bed and stare at the ceiling. Lawrence is right, I need to speak to Cyrus, and nothing is going to feel okay until I do so.

  I grab my phone and scroll until I get to Cyrus’ contact card. He’s smiling at me in his picture. I don’t know how many times I’ve just looked at his picture and thought about getting in touch with him.

  I press my finger on the call button and sigh. I expect that he won’t pick up, but he does, after only a ring.

  “Alex,” he says. “Hello.”

  “Hey,” I say. I should have been more prepared for him to pick up, but I really thought he was going to send me to voicemail. I swallow. “Cy, can you talk?”

  “Sure,” he replies, then takes a long time before he says anything else. “What?”

  “I—I’m going to leave soon,” I say. “And I just, I don’t know, I guess I just wanted everything to be okay between us.”

  He sighs. “Alex—”

  “I miss you,” I say. “Everything is going to change once I leave. I just want things to be okay between us.”

  “Don’t worry,” he says. “I’m leaving too and you’ll never have to see me again.”

  I blink. “You are?”

  “Yes,” he says. “There’s nothing left for me here.”

  “Cy—”

  “Or for you,” he says. “Good luck, Alex.”

  Then he hangs up the phone. Now I can feel the tears on my face. I don’t think there’s any way for me to fix this, so maybe it’s better if I just go and don’t try anymore.

  CONTINUE

  I’m sitting in Lawrence’s car and trying my best to make it seem like I’m not struggling with this decision. My bags are in the back of his SUV and they keep moving around the vehicle every time he takes a turn. Montgomery gave me a hug before I went and told me not to be too good, so I had a smile on my face until we took a corner and stopped seeing my apartment building. I’m leaving my life behind and I should be happy, but I’m not. I’m just worried about what life is going to be like when I get there. I haven’t yet made arrangements for when I get there, except for a room for a week in a motel, which should allow me to do that.

  I should feel relieved. I don’t feel relieved, I feel the pit growing in my stomach as we get closer and closer to the airport. Lawrence looks at me. “Are you okay?”

  “I don’t know,” I say, shifting my weight. “Things are still weird between my friend and me.”

  “Do you want me to stop at his place? Before you go,” he says.

  I look at him, my eyes widening. I never thought I would have an opportunity to make it up to Cyrus. I don’t know if this will, but maybe it will clear the air with him.

  “You still have some time,” he says. �
�Before your flight takes off.”

  “Okay,” I say. “Yeah, that sounds good. He doesn’t live far from here.”

  Lawrence nods. He drives us there without complaining, and even though I’m sweating by the time we arrive, I ask Lawrence to wait and practically run toward Cyrus’ door.

  I knock on it, hard, loud. I need him to come to the door as soon as possible. He does, eventually, though it seems to take forever. He looks like shit. He has lost weight, so he’s all cheekbones and teeth, and there are dark circles around his eyes. “Alex,” he says when he sees me.

  The moment I see his face, everything clicks into place. I don’t want to go before I talk to him. I don't want to go at all, and that's probably the reason I was so scared. I always knew, I was just too afraid to do anything about it.

  “You were right,” I say. “You were right about everything and I’m sorry.”

  “Alex…”

  I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes and sliding down my cheeks, hot and humiliating. “I shouldn’t have taken you for granted,” I say. “I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did. I’m sorry. You deserve better. And I get it, I get it if you never want to see me again, but I want to stay. If it’s for you, I want to stay.”

  He takes a deep breath, his eyes closed. “I’m going to LA,” he says.

  “Then I’ll go with you,” I say. “If you want me to. Fuck seminary. I want to stay with you, Cyrus.”

  He looks me up and down, a smile on his face. “What about God?”

  “God is still going to be there,” I say. “Even if I’m not a priest.”

  “Alex, I don’t know—”

  I stop him from talking by wrapping my arms around him and kissing him, pressing my lips against him. He kisses me back until we’re both breathless. I let him go and look into his eyes. “Cyrus,” I say. “Seminary is not my destiny. You’re my destiny. I was just too afraid of losing you to see it. I love you and I’ll prove it to you every day, if I have to.”

  He stares at me, then slowly, very slowly, he smiles. “You’ll have to,” he says. “And we’re leaving in two days.”