My Favorite Sin

by Lina Langley

  I hear him grab the lube from my nightstand. I feel his weight as he gets back on the bed, and then his wet finger as he slowly enters me.

  “Don’t stop,” he says.

  I don’t. I don’t know if I can. He’s now fingering me hard, fingering my prostate and making me scream out with every thrust, making me move my hips back and forth even faster. “Do you want me to fuck you?”

  “Yes,” I say. “Yes.”

  “Beg me,” he says. He’s still inside of me, but he has stopped moving his finger, and when I try to move my hips back to fuck myself with it, he moves his hand back slightly. “Say my name and beg me.”

  “Please fuck me,” I say. “Please, Montgomery, I need you to fuck me.”

  He laughs quietly. “Good,” he says. “I like it when you say my name.”

  He climbs on top of me, grabbing my arm so that I put it under me again. I’m ready for him, but he’s still very slow and deliberate about fucking me, even though I can hear him groaning, even though I can tell he wants this very much.

  He finally pushes forward. He’s practically squatting as he starts to fuck me. He uses an arm to hold himself up and another to put around my throat and chin, moving my face back so he can kiss me. Our mouths aren’t perfectly aligned, but I can taste myself on him and I want him more than I ever have.

  “I want you to come inside me,” I say as he starts thrusting inside me faster and faster, his moans right next to my ears. “Please. I need you to come inside me, Montgomery.”

  He groans as he starts moving faster and faster, his grip on my throat tightening slightly, just enough to intensify how this feels, and I can feel my entire body vibrating with every thrust, with every stroke. He does finish inside of me, I can feel it, I can feel him, and then he stops and groans, moaning into my ear with jumbled words about how hot I am, how great my ass is. I expect him to collapse on top of me when he slowly pulls out, but he doesn’t.

  He takes a deep breath and then moves away. “Turn around,” he says. I do as I’m told, though I have no idea how I can move. My cock is throbbing and soaked in pre-cum. Montgomery looks down at me and smiles, taking my dick in hand. He starts jacking me off, biting his lower lip, and I’m so close that it takes him no time to bring me to orgasm, which I feel on my core and then spreading through to my extremities, to the point where I can’t hear anything, and all that I can feel is electricity going through my body until I look down and see just how much I’ve managed to come all over myself.

  When I manage to catch my breath, I see that Montgomery is smirking at me. He traces his finger down the come on my stomach and then gets his hand close to my face. I open my mouth and lick his finger clean. He moans and then leans forward to gives me a sloppy mouth kiss.

  “Did you forget something?” he asks as he moves away from me.

  I watch him, my heart doing flips in my chest. “Thank you, Montgomery,” I say.

  “You’re welcome,” he replies, then kisses the tip of my nose. “Choirboy.”

  He smiles at me before he rolls over and immediately falls asleep naked, on my bed. I watch him and say nothing, my cheeks red, my breathing still heavy.

  Fuck, I think as I look at his body. What did I just get myself into?

  CONTINUE

  I don’t care that Montgomery is right there, and right now, I don’t care about what has happened between us. I just want to make things okay with Cyrus, and I need to tell him that I’m going to leave. I want to tell him to his face.

  I manage to not wake up Montgomery as I get out of my bed and start cycling toward Cyrus’ house. He needs to know that I've decided to leave, that I can’t stay here, not as long as he's not okay with me.

  I shake my head as I approach his place. I can’t tell him that, because I don’t want to guilt trip him into making me stay or anything like that, I just want him to hear it from me, as soon as possible.

  I knock on his door very loudly; almost certain I’m waking him up. I’m about to start kicking it when he comes to the door.

  He opens it, looking like he hasn’t gotten a wink of sleep. He looks me up and down before he opens it. “You call people before you show up,” he says. “That’s basic manners. Amparo would be so disappointed.”

  I roll my eyes. I didn’t want to guilt trip him, but of course he started this conversation by name dropping my mother.

  “Can we talk?” I ask.

  He rolls his eyes, but he moves away from the door. He’s wearing nothing but a shirt and these boxers that look like they’re far too big on him. I would normally tease him about it, but right now, it feels unimportant. “Is this necessary?”

  “I need to talk to you,” I say. “Just… I know you’re probably going to be angry, but I need to talk to you.”

  He raises his eyebrows but watches as I step into his place. I close the door behind me. He’s staring at me, his head slightly tilted. He doesn’t look curious, he looks annoyed.

  “Alex…”

  “I’m sorry,” I say. “I just didn’t want to tell you this over the phone.”

  “You didn’t want to tell me what over the phone?” he says, looking me up and down.

  I think there might be a chance he might be expecting me to say something else, but even if there was anything else to say, it’s too late for that. Too many things have changed and I’m going to leave. I’m going to be a priest.

  I don’t even sit down as I turn to speak to him. “I’m leaving,” I say. “I’m going to seminary.”

  He stares at me for a second, then drops his gaze to the ground. He clears his throat before he speaks. “Good,” he says. “It’s what you’ve almost wanted to do, right?”

  I swallow. “There’s something else,” I say. “I—Montgomery and I—”

  “Yeah,” he says and scoffs. “I figured.”

  I swallow. “It’s not like that,” I say. “It’s not like it’s something that’s going to last, Cy. I don’t—I don’t want to leave with things being bad between us.”

  He swallows. “So you thought you’d sleep with him?”

  “Honestly,” I say. “Yes. You’re always telling me to live my life. What happened to team Alex?”

  He sucks in his lips and crosses his arms over his chest. “You’re right,” he says, closing his eyes and rubbing his temple. “You are. I’m—”

  “No,” I say. “I owe you an apology.”

  He shrugs his shoulders. “No, you don’t,” he says. “I expected you not to make things awkward and I did a pretty good job of that myself.”

  “It’s okay,” I say, closing my eyes. “I just want things to be the way they were before. Before any of this happened.”

  He laughs quietly. “I don’t,” he says. “Have you ever thought about what I want?”

  I nod. “Of course I have,” I say. “You want to go to LA, make it in the music business. Right?”

  He glares at me, but then he sighs. “Sure, I guess.”

  “Is that not what you want?” I ask.

  He scoffs, his arms now crossed over his chest. “Don’t, okay? Don’t.”

  “Cy…”

  He sucks in his cheek. “You made a decision,” he says. “For the first time in your life, I guess. So you have to live with the consequences.”

  “I’d rather have you,” I say. “Your friendship is the most important thing in the world to me.”

  He exhales through his mouth and then puts his face in his hands. “I can’t do this, Alex,” he says, his voice muffled by his fingers. “I can’t be around you and pretend that everything is normal, that I have no feelings for you, and that I’m okay with you and Montgomery. I know it’s my fault, I know I should have told you, but—”

  I hug him. I can’t stop myself, not when he’s this upset. “I’m sorry,” I say.

  He puts his hand on my shoulder and hugs me back. “Are you going to keep seeing him?” Cyrus asks into my shoulder.

  I swallow. “He’s a fling,” I say. “Someone I
can fuck and never think about again after it’s over. You’re family.”

  He holds me tighter then.

  CONTINUE

  I spend the rest of my summer having sex with Montgomery and ignoring the upcoming change in my life. He knows it’s a fling, I know it’s a fling, but it works. I thought it might be complicated, but it isn’t. It just works, and it’s the most sex I’ve probably ever had in my life. Somehow, there’s nothing hotter than being told that I need to walk around naked all day when I wake up in the morning, because otherwise, he won’t fuck me.

  He ends up sneaking up behind me and asking me to beg him when I’m doing the dishes or he starts taking my pants off when I’m reading a book. I’ve never been as exhausted or horny in my life. I’m also aware that we’re probably sleeping together so much so I can avoid the reality of what’s coming. Montgomery is going to remain here and I’m never going to see him again and that’s what I want.

  At least, I think that’s what I want most of the time, but when he falls asleep in my bed and I wake up next to him in the morning, there’s a part of me that thinks maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. When I notice that he buys food he knows I like, even though he doesn’t have to, or that he now always takes two beers out of the fridge instead of one… it makes my heart jump in my chest.

  I want to talk to Cyrus about this, but I’m giving him space. We still hang out, but we don’t talk about Montgomery. Cyrus has asked me a couple of times if I’m still sleeping with him and there’s nothing I can do but nod, because I am and I don’t want to stop. Cyrus just moves the conversation along, but I always worry about having hurt him.

  The time for me to leave is getting close, though. For Cyrus, too. Everything is going to change soon and I need to make absolutely certain that Cyrus and I are okay. I call him when Montgomery is at work and he arrives at my place. He always looks tired lately.

  “Hey,” I say when he sits down on the couch. I hand him a beer, which he takes with a frown.

  “These are yours?”

  “No,” I say. “He doesn’t mind sharing.”

  Cyrus’ eyebrows shoot up, but he says nothing. “That’s good.”

  “When are you leaving?”

  “Officially moving on the twelfth,” he says and takes a sip of his beer. “I’ve got a little apartment I’m renting for the next few months, and if it doesn’t work out, I guess I can just come back.”

  “No, you can’t,” I say, grabbing his hand. “And you won’t, because it’ll work out.”

  He looks at me and smiles, but slowly moves his hand away. “I hope you’re right,” he says. “I mean, I’ve already been for the trial meetings—”

  “And they love you—”

  “And it went well, but nothing is a dead cert,” he says, smiling again. This time, it looks a little more sincere. “What about you? Are you looking forward to seminary?”

  I nod, but I don’t think it’s very convincing. “Yes,” I say. “I am.”

  “Sounds like you are,” he says.

  I shake my head. “I don’t know, Cy,” I reply. “I thought that by now, I’d be more excited. Instead…”

  “Instead, you keep picturing what life would be like if you could just stay with Monty?”

  I swallow. “How—I mean, no, but how did you know that?”

  He laughs and shakes his head. “I didn’t,” he says. “Not until now. But now I know.”

  “Cy—”

  He smiles at me. “It’s okay,” he says. “Look, I get it. You’re my friend. I’m happy for you, seriously.”

  “You are?”

  “Yes,” he says. “Look, I get it, I’ve been licking my wounds and honestly I’ve been sort of a dick about it. You didn’t deserve for me to get angry at you for no reason. I am team Alex, babe. I know it might not seem like that, but I am.”

  “I know that,” I say.

  “You should tell him.”

  I bite the inside of my mouth. “He only wants a fling,” I say. “And I’m going to be a priest.”

  He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Alex—”

  “No,” I say. “I mean, I appreciate the support and everything, but I’m going to be a priest. I’m not going to stop it for someone who doesn’t want me.”

  “How do you know he doesn’t want you?” he asks.

  I shrug my shoulders. “He made it very clear that this is a fling,” I say. “And I don’t want to force him into anything. If he doesn’t want me, then he doesn’t want me, and that’s that.”

  “But you haven’t even asked,” he says.

  “I know,” I reply. “And I don’t intend to.”

  He looks at me and opens his mouth to say something, but I hold my hand up before he does.

  “I can’t think about it, Cy,” I say. “I can’t think about it because I know nothing is going to happen between us, nothing of consequence, and I—it kind of breaks my heart a little bit. I mean, I would still dump him for you in a second if that was what you wanted—”

  “No,” he says, reaching out and squeezing my shoulder. “That was selfish. I just want you to be happy.”

  I nod. “Then this is the easiest way,” I say. “Going to seminary is the easiest way. Cy, I wanted to ask you for a favor. How much would you hate driving me to the airport?”

  We stop talking when we hear the door unlock. Montgomery walks in and smiles at me, then sets his gaze on Cyrus and smiles at him. He’s waving at both of us.

  “When you leave for seminary?” Cyrus asks. “Sure. I can definitely drive you to the airport.”

  Montgomery’s gaze darts between us. “Huh.”

  “What?” I say as I turn to him, then immediately finish my beer.

  He shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says. “I guess I was under the mistaken assumption that I would be the one taking you to the airport.”

  “We can both go,” Cyrus says. “You’ll need a car and mine will be big enough for his stuff. And for you. That way, you can say a proper good bye. How does that sound?”

  Something flashes in Montgomery’s eyes, but I don’t know what it is. “Sure,” he says, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t care.”

  He walks into his bedroom without saying anything else. When he closes the door behind him, Cyrus turns to look at me. “Crisis averted?”

  “Sure,” I reply, my mouth dry. “I guess.”

  CONTINUE

  I’m sitting in the passenger seat of Cyrus’ car, like I have so many times, and trying my best to make it seem like I’m not struggling with this decision. I’ve already called Lawrence to thank him for everything he did for me and he wished me luck, so there’s nothing left to do but sit here as Cyrus and Montgomery make idle chitchat.

  My bags are in the back of Cyrus’ car and they keep moving around the vehicle every time he takes a turn. Montgomery is sitting in the backseat, talking about a sketch he liked from last night’s variety show. He’s so busy, it feels like he never sleeps, I realize as I look at him over my shoulder.

  I swallow and tell myself to look ahead.

  I’m leaving my life behind and I should be happy, but I’m not. I’m just worried about what life is going to be like when I get there. I haven’t yet made arrangements for when I get there, except for a room for a week in a motel, which should allow me to do that.

  I should feel relieved. I don’t feel relieved, I feel the pit growing in my stomach as we get closer and closer to the airport. Cyrus looks at me. “Babe, are you okay? You look like you’re going to throw up.”

  “I’m okay,” I say.

  Montgomery sticks his face between the driver and the passenger seat. “Are you sure? You really do look like you’re going to hurt,” he says. “And you don’t want to fuck with this leather.”

  “I’m not—I’m not going to throw up,” I reply, rolling my eyes. Montgomery’s face is very close to mine and I want to kiss him, but I can’t. Not when I’m so close to leaving. We haven’t slept together since I made arrangemen
ts to go to the airport, but it’s not because I haven’t tried to initiate. He just hasn’t been up for it. I don’t press him, because a no is a no and I don’t need any reasons other than he doesn’t want to do it, but I’m going to miss him so much, I wish we got a chance to spend more time together before I left.

  Montgomery looks at Cyrus. “He might,” he says. “You might want to pull over.”

  Cyrus laughs. “I should,” he says, but he keeps driving. We see the first sign for the airport over the bridge and I can feel my heartbeat getting quicker.

  “Okay,” I say. “You’re right. You’re right. You need to pull over.”

  They exchange a look and laugh quietly. I don’t appreciate the fact that they’re laughing at me, but right now, there’s not much I can do about that. Cyrus pulls the car to the shoulder of the road and I open the door to feel the cool air on my face. Montgomery gets out of the car and walks around with a water bottle.

  He leans down next to me and strokes my back. “Hey, choirboy,” he says, a smile on his face. “It’s going to be okay. You’re just getting last minute jitters.”

  I am, he’s right, but not for the reason he thinks. Cyrus is getting out of the car himself, but Montgomery turns to him. “Hey, Cy, could you get a paper bag for Alex? He does look pretty unwell,” he says, then goes back to talking to me.

  That’s it. That’s all he had to say. I can feel it erupting out of me, but it isn’t vomit. It’s feelings.

  “I didn’t want to tell you,” I say. “I wanted to, but I didn’t. I thought you’d think I was being so stupid, but I don’t want to go.”

  Montgomery furrows his brow. “What didn’t you want to tell me?”

  I close my eyes. I don’t want to see his face when I tell him this. “That I wanted to stay,” I say, my voice trembling. “That I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you and I wanted to stay, because that’s a lot to put on you, but the last few weeks have been the best weeks of my life.”

  “You’re in love with me?” Montgomery replies. I open my eyes to see him in front of him, his eyes wide.