A Spell in the Country

by Heide Goody

  “No idea, but it’s what we’re after. Now, if I could just get out of here and—” Jenny heaved and twisted. No good: she had baked herself in solid.

  “Seems like you’re stuck there for a while, boss.”

  She wiggled and levered her bamboo cane from the earth and started to prod the ground about her. “It will take a while, yes.”

  “It’s a good job you’ve got me to keep your spirits up! Which do you want first? The hits of Neil Diamond, Mary Poppins or a bit of opera?”

  “Maybe, if a certain little someone bothered to help, with his sharp claws and solid little hoofs, then I might be willing to listen to them all.”

  “Fairy snuff,” said Jizzimus. He began to hammer away with his tiny hoofs.

  About an hour later Jenny crawled out of the ditch. She was barefoot, and there wasn’t an inch of her that wasn’t thickly caked with mud. She looked like a troll from a zero budget stage production of The Hobbit.

  Jizzimus continued his loud faux-cockney singing as she tried to chip the worst of it off. He’d cycled through the promised repertoire and was now working through the songs from Oliver! As she walked towards the trees which lined the junction of road and field, his lusty rendition of Oom Pah Pah kept the cows out of their path. It was only when he paused to take breath that she heard the sound of a distant car.

  “Quick!” She tried to move faster, but the ground was rough and her aching muscles would not obey. She saw a Land Rover come into sight: a silhouette between the anorexic trees.

  “Bugger! We’re going to miss it. It’s the only sign of civilisation we’ve seen since this morning.”

  “Leave it to me, boss,” said Jizzimus, and scampered ahead.

  Jenny huffed and wheezed and cursed – especially where she trod barefoot on an unnoticed thistle – towards the road. She propelled herself through the trees and tripped over the much narrower ditch that lined the road. She found herself looking up at a parked Land Rover and a familiar if puzzled face.

  “George, isn’t it?”

  George, the barman from Eastville Hall, held a rock in one hand. He was considering the smashed side window of his vehicle. “Did you see this? Came straight through the window.”

  “I thank you,” said Jizzimus, taking a bow from the Land Rover’s bonnet.

  “That’s terrible,” said Jenny. “I can’t imagine how that happened.” She got back on her feet.

  George studied her face. “It’s, um… Don’t tell me. Jenny?”

  Jenny made to curtsey in playful acknowledgement, but embarrassment, lack of skirts and a thick coating of claggy mud stopped her. Instead, she did a ridiculous jiggle.

  “You look like you’ve been on an adventure,” said George.

  “Dragged through a hedge backwards,” she replied.

  “Either that or you’ve been given a really vigorous massage and mud pack at the spa. Are you hurt?”

  Jenny ran a quick diagnosis. She had aches, scrapes or injuries in at least seven different places – not counting those places the ditch mud had insinuated itself, causing emotional distress if not actual physical harm. “Here and there,” she admitted.

  “Come on,” he said. He took her hand and guided her into the front passenger seat.

  “I couldn’t presume,” she heard herself saying.

  “Yes, you bloody could,” he grinned. It was a handsome grin.

  He ran round to the other side and started up the engine. Jizzimus swung in through the smashed window and jumped on the rolls of plastic and tubs of chemical cleaner stacked in the back.

  “Been to Skegness to get some supplies,” said George. “It’s amazing how quickly we get through this lot.”

  In the back, Jizzimus squeezed himself into a roll of plastic sheeting and pulled faces, using the plastic to deform his already ghastly features.

  George accelerated smoothly off the verge and down the lane.

  “How far away are we anyway?” Jenny asked.

  “Eastville? About five minutes?”

  “Oh,” said Jenny, hearing the disappointment in her own voice. “I thought it would be further. Feels further on foot. Much further.”

  “I bet it does,” said George taking a look at her. “The Fens may be flat but they can be treacherous. Muddy out is it?”

  “One of the activities. It was quite challenging, I got stuck in a ditch.”

  “I’d have thought a group of witches would be able to tackle most things.”

  Jenny pulled a face. “Oh you know about the witch thing?”

  “Yes. So please don’t do Jedi mind tricks on me or anything.”

  Jenny laughed. “Oh, mostly it’s all about herbs and things.”

  “And not eatin’ children,” mumbled Jizzimus from within the plastic sheeting. “Even though they’re delicious and come free wiv the room.”

  Dee sighed at Caroline.

  “I know you’ve got blisters, poppet, but I think you can come down and have a look with me. There’s magic been here: the ditch is all dried out. We’re definitely getting close.”

  “It’s not just the blisters. My legs are so stiff, they just won’t do what I want them to.”

  “I’ll help. Give me your hand and just go for it.”

  Caroline stepped awkwardly over the edge of the ditch and landed heavily on top of Dee. The two of them toppled over into stinking slurry.

  “I thought you said the ditch was dried out!” cried Caroline. She stood up, caked in what Dee suspected wasn’t just mud.

  “That bit over there is,” said Dee. “I think this is full of run off from the cow field.”

  Caroline turned. “I haven’t seen any – ah—!”

  A cow stood on the edge of the ditch, nudging at Caroline with curiosity. She fell over again in fright before scrambling to the dried out area indicated by Dee.

  “Magic. Yes. This is not the work of cows,” Caroline looked back nervously to where several more cows had gathered. They watched the two women in the ditch, chewing slowly.

  “Well I never,” said Dee. “There’s Coney Bane growing here as well. We’re definitely in the right place. All we need to do now is find the amulet and get out of here.”

  They looked around for several minutes, but could see nothing.

  “Dee, you know how we said that the amulet could be anything?” said Caroline slowly.

  “Yes love. We need to keep an open mind.”

  “Well, what if the amulet is a cow? There’s nothing else here.”

  Dee stared at her. “A cow? A cow?”

  Caroline ran dirty fingers across her brow. “Sorry. It’s ridiculous.”

  “No,” said Dee. “No, it’s not “I remember reading that some witches had animal familiars that were also some sort of super-amulets. Isobel Gowdie, instead of having a lucky rabbit’s foot, had a lucky rabbit.”

  “Four times the luck,” said Caroline. “Especially for the rabbit.”

  “So, we’re going with the theory that one of these cows is the amulet,” said Dee.

  “You got anything better?”

  Dee shook her head. “How do we know which one is the amulet?”

  “Maybe it doesn’t matter,” said Caroline.

  “Of course it matters.”

  “Does it?”

  “Yes, poppet. We need to pick the right one.”

  “Ah,” said Caroline “That will be one of those test of character things. You know—” She put on a deep and portentous voice. “—Choose wisely, for while the true cow will bring everlasting glory, the wrong cow will bring…”

  “Sour milk?” suggested Dee.

  “Yes. Something like that.”

  “So, maybe we need to get out of this ditch and inspect these cows to see which is the most—”

  “—Magical?”

  “Um. Yes.”

  George pulled up around the side of the house, near the witches’ lodgings.

  “I’ll drop you here and take the supplies round to storage,” he said.


  Jenny climbed out and went inside the house, wondering where to start searching for Kay. Effie was near the reception desk; she stepped out to welcome Jenny.

  “Well done! Excellent to see you’re all back. And clearly having got in touch with nature, I see.” She looked past her. “Where are the others?”

  “We … er. We split up,” said Jenny, suddenly realising that this might not go down well with Effi., “But we did find the amulet.” She held out the silver medal.

  Effie shook her head imperiously. “Was there a good reason for your team to split up?”

  “I wanted to check on Kay. I was worried about her,” said Jenny.

  “You were specifically told that teamwork was a key part of this exercise! I’m very disappointed you couldn’t even stay together. I’m marking you down for this.”

  “There’s marks?” said Jenny.

  Effie tapped on her tablet. Upside-down Jenny could see a table onto which Effie had entered school grades next to names. Sabrina Holder-Eckford: A; Sharon Jaye: A; Kay Wun: A; and Norma Looney had been awarded an A+. And now, Jenny Knott was being awarded a D-.

  “Kay’s back?” said Jenny, belatedly realising what the table showed.

  “Kay has been back for some time with her team mates,” said Effie. “Enjoying the much deserved rewards of working together.” Effie gestured at the entrance to the restaurant/bar area.

  Jenny, dismissed, approached the door. She heard Sabrina’s voice from beyond.

  “Ur, it’s well-known in our family. It’s part of who we are.”

  “I reckon she’s talkin’ about some inbred disfigurement thing,” said Jizzimus, listening at the door. “Like wonky knobs or cross-eyed tits.”

  “It’s been handed down for generations,” said Sabrina.

  “Or maybe it’s the family torture dungeon,” said Jizzimus.

  “Traditional values: I’m a big fan,” came Norma’s voice. “No point in messing about with something that works.”

  “Hmm. Could still be either,” mused Jizzimus.

  “All I’m saying is that Jamie Oliver says we should add a twist of lime, and I think it really adds something,” said Shazam.

  “Wonky knob,” declared Jizzimus with finality.

  Jenny pushed the door open as Shazam passed her glass to Norma.

  “Jenny!” called Kay. “We’re just having some elderflower cordial.”

  In the one-and-a-bit days Jenny had known the girl, she had never sounded so excited about something so dull. “Elderflower cordial?” smiled Jenny.

  “It’s the correct drink for a witch, no?”

  “And wonky nobs,” said Jizzimus.

  “It would be correct without the lime,” said Sabrina archly.

  “Hm, no. I think she’s onto something,” said Norma. “I like it.”

  There was a large pitcher of cloudy liquid on the table in front of them. A partially mutilated lime was the only nod to decadence.

  “Not much of a party, guv,” said Jizzimus. “Might work as a marinade for the kiddie, though.”

  “I think it’s this one,” said Dee.

  Caroline inspected the chosen cow. “Why?”

  Dee tipped her head and gave the cow a wistful look. “I just think Daisy here has a certain … sparkle to her.”

  Caroline shook her head. “Course she does. Right, let’s get her home.”

  Dee thought for a moment. “I’ve absolutely no idea how to herd a cow.”

  “Well, I can make people do things, and you know all about animals,” said Caroline. “I bet we can work something out. So what motivates a cow?”

  “I think they’re motivated by the usual things,” said Dee, not elaborating. “And they’re nosey as well. They want to know what’s going on.”

  Caroline leaned as close as she dared to Daisy and whispered, “Something interesting is happening behind you.”

  The cow turned and nosed its way past its neighbours to look behind them. Dee was impressed.

  “That actually worked! How does a cow understand English?”

  “It’s more the idea you need to get across. As I said the words I also tried to imagine there was something really interesting to a cow just over there.”

  “Right then.” Dee clapped Caroline on the shoulder. “There’s a gate over there. I reckon the road must go back to the hall. Let’s get Daisy home.”

  Jenny tried the elderflower cordial. She thought what it really needed was a shot of gin to help her forget the trials of the day. Norma slumped back in an armchair, snoring gently.

  Shazam nodded towards Norma. “Sometimes I play a game with Mr Beetlebane when he’s asleep. It’s called Cat Jenga. You have to see how many things you can balance on top of him before he wakes up.”

  “Oh, that is droll,” drawled Sabrina.

  The entire group turned towards Norma, their eyes casting around for small light objects. Shazam went first: taking a small piece of knitting wool from her bag and forming a bow which she dropped onto Norma’s head. Kay sidled over and a balanced a drinks coaster onto the shelf formed by Norma’s bosom. Sabrina coughed, drawing their attention, then fixed her eyes on a menu from the bar. It rose up, floating across to Norma, where it fluttered lightly down and settled across her face. Shazam and Kay applauded, impressed.

  Jenny leaned close to Kay. “Does nothing today strike you as … odd?”

  “They didn’t have any Rice Krispies at breakfast. Everything else, but no Rice Krispies.”

  “I mean, about today’s activities… These women…”

  Kay pulled a face. “Norma did a magic map reading,” she said. “She saw where the amulet was before we even left the hall. I think that’s what made her very tired.”

  “No, I—”

  “Boss!” Jizzimus stood in the window, jumping up and down. “You’ve got to see this!”

  Jenny looked out. There was something large peering in the window.

  “Your two bleedin’ mates have brought a cow. Now it’s a party!”

  Dee and Caroline looked even more mud splattered than Jenny, as if they’d been swimming in it. A small, concentrated throng of witches ran outside, Jenny carried along with them.

  “Whose cow is this?” demanded Effie.

  “It’s, er, yours?” said Dee.

  Effie peered at it, as though it might conceivably be her cow and she needed to check. “I don’t own a cow,” she said.

  “It’s the amulet,” explained Caroline.

  “We brought it back for you,” added Dee.

  “The amulet,” repeated Effie in a flat voice. “Does it look like an amulet? At any point did you stop and say to yourselves, ‘this is a cow, not an amulet’?”

  “Aha!” said Caroline. “That was the trap, wasn’t it?”

  “Trap?”

  “Yes. Because couldn’t something be both a cow and an amulet?”

  “No.”

  “Because didn’t Isobel Gowdie have a—”

  “A cow that was an amulet? No, she most certainly did not.”

  Caroline grimaced. “Well, we thought outside the box and here we are. If we’re wrong then we’re wrong; but we score highly for initiative and creativity.” The words were accompanied by the subtlest of hand movements.

  “Stop that immediately. I will not be manipulated. Teamwork! I could not have made myself any clearer when I said that this initiative was about teamwork. Jenny, would you like to show your teammates the amulet?”

  With an embarrassed smile, Jenny fished out the medal and held it up. “I found it after we split up. Sorry.”

  “So you left us behind and nicked the actual thing we were supposed to be looking for?” hissed Caroline. “You undermined our chances in every way possible!”

  “Yer in trouble boss,” said Jizzimus. “You might as well go on that murd’rous rampage yer’ve been promising yerself.”

  The rest of the witches gathered around in interest. Unlike Effie, they kept themselves at a distance and safely
away from the cow’s rear end. Even Norma had woken up and wandered outside, leaving the title of Norma Jenga champion unclaimed.

  “Well,” said Effie. “I’d like to say that this concludes this morning’s activities, but there remains the small matter of returning this cow to the field where it belongs. Can I trust you ladies to take care of that?”

  “We’ve just brought it here,” said Dee, with the whine of the truly knackered.

  “I’m sure, with initiative and creativity, you will be able to take it back again with no trouble.”

  “But this is Jenny’s fault,” protested Caroline.

  “Yes. But you must tackle all challenges as a team,” said Effie with prim schadenfreude.

  Jizzimus leapt onto the cow’s back with a whoop of delight and scurried along its spine, lifted the tail and probed with his fingers.

  “Imps ’ave been messin’ wiv cows for years, boss,” he said grinning. “We know exactly how to give someone who stan’s behind one a really bad day.”

  As he squeezed, the cow let out a low bellow of annoyance. Its tail quivered as an explosive mess erupted from its hind quarters. A fine spray of cow dung, almost mist-like. Pervasive and penetrating, Jenny thought.

  For a few moments everyone was dumbstruck. Everyone except Jizzimus, who cackled with delight and danced on the cow’s back. “Best day ever! Did you see what I did boss, did you see it?”

  Effie screamed through tightly-clenched, horror-stricken lips. When she regained control of herself, she wiped the muck of her tablet and stabbed viciously at the screen.

  “F! F! F!”

  “The word is ‘fuck’,” offered Jizzimus helpfully.

  Effie turned and walked back into the building without further words, trying to keep movement down to a minimum. The rest of the witches were torn between amusement, indignation and general bewilderment.

  Jenny, Dee and Caroline met each others’ eyes and started leading the cow back down the lane. As they went, Jenny could hear Norma ask, “Why is there a coaster stuck in my cleavage?”

  They hadn’t gone far when Jenny felt a hand slip into hers. Kay smiled at her.

  “So, anything strike you as odd about your day?” she asked.