you didn't make sense!" said Jacob,determined not to be frightened. "Now if you aim to talk with me, stopimitatin' a professor and talk so's a man can understand you. I ain'tscared of you, so leave off makin' threats!"
"Such stupid insolence!" gloated the Weapon. "Already I feel my wrathgrowing within me! Since it will anger me even more to explain mywords to you, I will do exactly that. My first words to you were,'Eyes of your Terran Deity,' an expression you use frequently in acorrupted form to begin your statements. By studying your language, Ilearned that 'Zounds' is a similar corruption referring to the woundsof the Deity, while 'Strewth' refers to your God's truth. Thus, I wasable to understand, and state in uncorrupted form, your remark, 'EyeGod.'"
"'Tain't what it means," objected Jacob, filling his mouth with ersatztobacco. "It just means _by_ God."
The Weapon considered this. "And exactly what is the significance ofsuch a remark?"
Jacob scratched his whiskered chin. "I reckon you got me there. Iguess it means that I mean what I say."
"In other words, any statement you make following that phrase is to betaken seriously?"
"Somethin' like that."
"Then it follows that your other statements, without the 'by God'preface, are not seriously intended. Are they jokes or lies?"
"That ain't the way it is at all! I just say 'by God' when I feel likeit, not every time I'm bein' serious."
"Monstrous inconsistency!" groaned the Weapon dramatically. "Ah,chaotic universe! Is there then no sublime plan, no fatefuldevelopment to your endless succession of days? How could even themost synoptic First Principle find a purpose for creating such anunplanned, unreasonable species as the Humans? Can it be--unhappythought!--that there is no plan to it all, and we exist for naught?"
Jacob listened with open mouth. "Say," he broke in, "are you some kindof play-actor?"
"That is what I ask myself," the Weapon continued its oratoricalflight. "Are we all actors, speaking the lines written for us by aGreat Playwright who plans to unite all the threads of his plot in auniversal climax to come? Or are we poor random creatures withoutpurpose?" It paused and added in a more conversational tone, "But thatis not what you mean by your question. No, I am not a play-actor. I aman unfortunate weapon, reluctant to employ myself for my intendedpurpose of destruction of life and unsuited by my structure for thedoing of deeds more worthy in nature."
Jacob squinted about. "A weapon, huh? Let's see you hit that birdthing sittin' in that tree over there."
"Bloodthirsty fiend! I do not kill for amusement!"
"I just wanted to see how you worked," said the abashed Jacob. "AllI've seen you do is float around and talk a blue streak. As far as I'mconcerned, you ain't nothin' but a big-mouthed bluff."
"Very well, Jacob. If you have formed such an erroneous attitude, itwill be necessary for me to correct you immediately. Observe the redboulder on yonder hill."
"I see it."
* * * * *
The cylindrical base of the Weapon swung to point briefly at theboulder, which quietly crumbled to dust.
"I be dog!" yelped Jacob. He looked at the Weapon with respect. "Yousure pulverized it! How do you work?"
"You could not understand the processes involved. Suffice it to say Ihave the means to collect energy in general and retransmit it inspecific forms and directions. But enough of this. You are here toanswer questions, not ask them. First, tell me what you did in anaverage day on Terra."
"That what you call the world I live on?"
"Yes."
"I'm a farmer, you know. I got a place in the Smoky Mountains inTennessee. First thing in the mornin', I'd go feed the livestock whileSuzy cooked breakfast." A faraway look came into Jacob's eyes. "Guessshe took the kids and went to live with her mammy when these hereanimals grabbed me...."
"Continue," commanded the Weapon.
"Huh? Well, then we'd eat breakfast. Come to think of it, I ain't etyet this mornin'." Jacob got up and went to get himself somebreakfast.
"But this matter--" protested the Weapon.
"Not on an empty stomach," Jacob said calmly, eating without haste.
* * * * *
When he returned, the Weapon questioned him further about his life onTerra. Hours of ill-tempered conversation passed.
"Such drabness!" the Weapon finally exclaimed. "Creatures who leadsuch dull lives as yours should welcome extinction. Not once have youmentioned an appreciation of the wondrous exaltation that comes froman esthetic feel for beauty. With the labor of providing for yourgrotesque body's animal cravings is your whole life spent. Not inanger, but as an act of mercy, can I exterminate your defective race!"
Jacob's mouth hung open. "So _that's_ what your monkey's brung me outhere for--fixin' to kill us! 'Y God, you better look out! We got atombombs on Earth an' we'll use 'em on you if you try anything!"
"Toys!" sneered the Weapon. "Be assured, Jacob, that I have nothing tofear from any childish mechanisms your Terrans can contrive!"
Jacob sat stunned. "But you said a minute ago you couldn't killnothin'!"
"I can kill only when I'm convinced it is best for my own repose orfor the health of the Universe. Long ago, I could go forth at battlewith thoughtless joy at the command of my masters of Zoz, but now Imust have reasons, must converse at length with my aberrated emotions,must prepare myself as for an ordeal."
"Them Zozes must've been the Devil's minions," argued Jacob. "TheCommandments says, 'Thou shalt not kill' and when you go against that,you're goin' against the word of God."
"Poor, futile creature!" sympathized the Weapon. "You actually striveto pit your naive superstitious mind against my highly developedmentality in argument. You actually associate my supreme masters ofold with your puny mythological villain! Lowliness should know itsplace. But I feel no anger--merely a pitying desire to relieve yourkind of the burden of living."
Silently, Jacob replenished the wad of "tobacco" in his mouth. Afterchewing a while, he spat and said dolefully, "I don't reckon there'snothin' I can say or do that you won't hold against me. I alwaysheard tell the Devil can twist anything to suit hisself, and I reckonhis minions can do the same thing. An' that's what you are: theDevil's minion! I reckon you break every Commandment God give us.Except about committin' adultery. I don't guess you can do that."
"Your piddling reproductive customs have no application on my plane ofexistence. Cannot you comprehend that you are less to me than amicrobe? Even my servants, the Hovans, do not concern themselves withsuch ignoble concepts as what you call adultery!"
"You mean they live in sin?" asked Jacob.
"They mate as often as they please with anyone they please," theWeapon replied coldly. "I will ignore the ludicrous implications ofyour absurd moral concepts."
"I don't mean to criticize your animal friends," glowered Jacob. "Ireckon they ain't children of God, so it don't matter if they _do_mate like a pack of dogs. They probably ain't got no souls to keeppure. It looked to me like they worshiped you like a false god, too."
"They ... O Great Hidden Manifestation!" squalled the Weapon in rage."They regard me as their guide and mentor. Nothing more. I would notallow anything else."
Jacob watched the Weapon in awe. The energy globe was flickering andflaring wildly in an uncontrolled display of color. "'Y God!" heexclaimed. "You sure are puttin' on a fireworks show!"
The globe settled down to a tensely nervous fluctuation which hurtJacob's eyes to watch. "Never in the ageless span of my existence,"quavered the Weapon angrily, "have I been insulted in such vulgarterms by any creature. And now from _you_, creature whom my gloriousmasters of Zoz would exterminate like a buzzing fly, like a diseasegerm, I hear these senseless mouthings of defamation! Stop it or Ishall destroy you outright!"
The Weapon's fluctuating, along with its loud, grating voice, putJacob's nerves on edge. He growled, "I bet your old Zozes live inadultery just like your animal friends."
The color of the energy globe sank to
dull red and the Weapon emitteda series of buzzing, inarticulate noises.
"It suits not my nature, bit of diseased scum, to slay you in a fit ofindignation," it finally said with tightly controlled fury. "You arebeneath such individual recognition. Yet it is fortunate
The Reluctant Weapon Page 3
