Agate- Then and Now

by M. D. Grimm

  “Daaga.”

  A forest green querian with wings as forelimbs, short back legs, and a long serpentine tail, came spiraling down from the rafters, leaving her nest where she’d been asleep. Other querians watched her go, some with envy in their eyes. Fluttering and crooning echoed all around me, the round tower chamber filled with the colorful beasts. Narrow windows were set along the walls, allowing the querian their much needed fresh air and freedom. I’d trained each and every one personally, and that meant their loyalty would forever be only to me.

  Daaga landed on my forearm and folded her wings proudly, stretching her long neck forward.

  I held up the letter. I didn’t put my mentor’s name on it, another precaution against it being intercepted. Less of an opportunity for my enemies. They wouldn’t want to risk everything for a letter to an unknown recipient.

  “Master Ulezander,” I said simply. She held forth her back leg with dignity, and I tied the note to it. She also gripped the letter firmly with the talons of that foot.

  I stroked her head a few times, making her purr, before walking to one of the windows. I held my arm out the window, and she unwrapped her tail from it, before leaping off. She dove low before rising high and swiftly sped into the distance. I watched her until she disappeared, then I left, shutting the door firmly behind me.

  But I couldn’t go back to Aishe yet. I would have the boygles bring food up to him, then I would speak to Grendela and Grekel about the spies Drasyln had in my territory. I had names and it disturbed me that some of them resided in Happy Valley.

  I straightened, conjured the rest of my clothing before descending the stairs, wrath bubbling in my gut.

  ***

  It was night before Aishe and I managed to be together again. I’d been busy rounding up the spies and Aishe had been in the library. We had dinner together in the largest parlor. I told him about the spies and he asked me what I did with them. I didn’t answer.

  Aishe stared at me for a long moment as I continued eating, my eyes on the fire. He finally looked away with a small sigh.

  “You mentioned the Hand before,” Aishe said softly a short time later. “You won’t kill her?”

  My eyes never left the fire but they did narrow and my jaw clenched. “Do you want me to? I can.”

  “Morgorth, please look at me.”

  I did, making sure my emotions were shielded. Aishe considered me, his eyes speculative and probably seeing more than what I thought I showed.

  “No,” he said finally, his voice soft. “There should be no more blood on either of our hands.”

  My gut clenched. I wasn’t surprised by his answer; in fact, I expected such an answer from him.

  “When will you contact the council?” he asked.

  “I already have.”

  “Master Ulezander?”

  I nodded. “I probably should have waited a bit. I want her to rot, Aishe.”

  Aishe sighed and closed his eyes. “I don’t want her here anymore, Morgorth. I don’t want to live in the past anymore.”

  He sounded so weary. I reached over and gently placed my hand on his. “She will be gone soon enough, I promise. Don’t think of her anymore, Aishe. She’s not your problem.”

  Aishe nodded, his eyes still shut. I stared at his beautiful face, knowing I had to tell him everything about me. We both had to live in the past for just a little bit longer before we could contemplate our future...if we had a future after I told him everything.

  Our fingers laced and I looked at our hands. Despite everything, Aishe had a gentle heart, not one prone to vengeance. He’d gone after Kayl not for himself, but for his tribe. Justice had been his main motivator, but vengeance, as well as duty, played big roles. But he didn’t dwell on revenge and he didn’t let it consume him. I thrived on the thirst for it. I had a lot to learn from Aishe, far more than he had to learn from me.

  We finally got ready for bed. Darkness had fallen completely, only faint shadows of trees able to be seen through my bedroom window. I pulled back the thick curtains, staring through the glass, seeing an outline of my reflection. Only a few candles offered light around the room, shadows flickering upon the walls.

  It would be begsumer soon. Invasion attempts would start anew. Hatred for me would once again bubble in the hearts of the kings in the north and south kingdoms. Heroes and knights would start coming from kingdoms even farther off than that, coming to claim glory and fame by my death. I sighed. Now there was something to look forward to.

  Aishe got into bed and frowned when I stayed standing at the window, leaning against it, staring out. “Morgorth?”

  I took a deep breath and mentally said a prayer. “I know you’ve wondered, but you’ve never asked.”

  Silence.

  “I don’t want secrets between us, Aishe. We need to have absolute trust in each other. Do you agree?”

  “I do.” His voice was soft.

  I nodded once, hard. “There were a number of years between when I left Master Ulezander’s tutelage, and founded Geheimnis and Vorgoroth. Years I like to forget and pretend didn’t happen. But they did happen. I did do those things.”

  I stared determinedly out the window. “No one can outrun their past,” I murmured.

  Then I spoke. I told him everything. Every detail. All the pain I’d caused, the tortures I indulged in. The villages I burned or destroyed, the creatures I kidnapped and kept, the ones I mentally and physically tortured. I told him about what I felt during all those atrocities, the cold, dark satisfaction. At the time I thought it had been happiness, joy. But it was just a way to forget my own pain; to forget by making others suffer. It would be wrong to say I’d felt nothing. I hadn’t been numb, but I’d been broken and damaged. No empathy, no mercy had been shown since I hadn’t even known what those words meant.

  During that time, I’d been a true villain. The power my magick gave me, the freedom I’d felt after leaving Uzzie, had made me arrogant, black-hearted. I answered to no one, determined to never be a victim again. I would never fear again. But I could make others fear, I could make others quake with terror. Their misery had given me a sick pleasure. My hatred and destruction of living things gave me a strange sense of vengeance. I told Aishe all of this, baring my black, broken soul.

  “This went on for years.” My voice was raw but I never stopped. If I did, I wouldn’t finish. I never looked at Aishe, not once. I didn’t deserve to look at him. I stared out the window, at the starless, overcast night. The candles were so dim, I couldn’t even see Aishe’s reflection in the window. It was better that way. “I don’t know what Uzzie did to keep the council from destroying me during that time, but he must have done something.” I took a deep breath. “He finally found me. He hunted for me and approached me, demanding answers, demanding that I stop.” I found myself smiling at the memory, a genuine smile. “He saved me that day, Aishe. He challenged me and I accepted. In my horrible arrogance I thought I’d become more powerful than him. How wrong I’d been.”

  A snicker escaped me. “He beat the life out of me, Aishe. He broke my bones, and my blood soaked into the ground. I nearly died.” I paused again, swallowing despite my dry throat. “But then he took me back to Muelsel and healed me. Not with magick, but only natural herbs and time. He tended me himself and talked to me constantly. I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, so all I could do was listen and heed his words.”

  I leaned my forehead against the window, my back fully toward Aishe. “He dove into my mind and made me look at what I’d become. He forced me to confront the rage that was like a live thing inside me, and even now, it’s there. The rage that only becomes hungrier as I grow older. The rage that made me hate and detest all living things. He forced me to see it, to acknowledge it. To denounce it.” I closed my eyes. “I know why I did those horrible things, Aishe. My father. He’s the cause of all of it. I was born into violence. He bred violence and rage into my bones from my earliest memories. I didn’t know what love was, what it really was. All
I could think was why should others be happy when I felt so miserable? So fucking dead inside? I craved something, something I couldn’t find. Something I didn’t even know. But I knew I didn’t have it and I wanted it so badly. I mean, now I know what it is I wanted, but then... I was broken Aishe. I was so fucking broken.”

  My voice dropped to a whisper, and I couldn’t give any more volume to it. “I left Master Ulezander powerful. I was a mage! I would never be a victim again. Never. Again. But I knew, didn’t I? I knew what those with power did to those without it. So I controlled and dominated and murdered. Because I could. But....”

  I had to take another deep breath. Finish it. Finish it!

  “As I healed, Uzzie finally got through to me. He told me he hadn’t taken me on as an apprentice so I could fulfill my father’s wish for me, his goal for my existence. Uzzie told me I was playing right into that bastard’s hands. I’d become a monster. I told him that was what I was meant to be—the Destroyer. What my father had told me, what the Hand had said when they’d come to kill me, even what my predecessors had become, were evidence to the fact that I would become a monster. What choice did I have? I might as well embrace it.”

  A small smile touched my lips again. “Uzzie wouldn’t let me get off that easily. He told me I had choices. I had a choice to turn away from what I’d been doing and the pain I’d caused. The future isn’t written in stone, he told me. Even the Mother doesn’t write in stone, she writes possibilities. She gives us paths, and it is our choices that determine our fates. I didn’t believe him. Not at first. But he kept talking, creating a crack in the rage.”

  I took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “He told me I could have a home. A life. He said I could find peace and stop the suffering; that I could even use my power to help those who had been hurt like I had. Instead of causing pain, I might be the one to stop it. Novel idea, don’t you think? I scoffed at first, but not forever.”

  I closed my eyes again. “I don’t like pain. I don’t like feeling it, but I felt it every day of my life. And, in some ways, I still feel it. My memories haunt me. Sometimes it feels like no matter how far I run, or how many walls I put up, I can never escape my foundation of hate and suffering. I can never escape him.” I swallowed hard. “As I lay in bed, healing, I finally began to wonder...to wonder about the pain I’d caused others. I slowly began to put myself in their position. It wasn’t hard since I still knew, acutely, how miserable I felt at my father’s hands. How hopeless, helpless. It wasn’t a good feeling. So I asked myself, why was I taking my rage out on those who’d done me no wrong?”

  I pressed my fisted hands against the glass, my breath fogging it up. “I guess you could say that was my moment of revelation. I wondered what the hell I was doing. Why was I still following my father’s plan for me? Why was I becoming like him? What he wanted me to become? I hated him. Hate him. I didn’t want anything to remind me of him but every day I woke up thinking about him, and went to bed thinking about him. Uzzie told me to find a home for myself. So I did.”

  I was silent for a moment, thinking about Geheimnis, Vorgoroth, even Happy Valley. I loved my home. “After I healed completely, I took my leave, thanking Uzzie. He told me to remember I had choices in my life. I always had choices. He told me to choose the ones that would make me happy. I told him I didn’t even know what happy was.” I snorted. “He just smiled and said I would find out if I tried hard enough.”

  I straightened, my hands falling to my sides. “I thought I’d found happiness with Geheimnis and with Vorgoroth, but I hadn’t. I’d found contentment, sure, but not true happiness. I had to wait until you to find that.”

  I was nearly done. So close.

  “On our hunt for Kayl, it disturbed me how much his rage matched mine. When you compared us it made me remember everything. Everything I’d done. Everything I’d been. All of it. Everything he was, was what I used to be. And Drasyln...well, she fed on that rage, Aishe. A year after I finished Geheimnis, she came to me, tried to seduce me. I was tempted, so very tempted. She was power-hungry, ambitious, her sentiments about life and the Mother so close to my own. But it was that promise, that solemn promise I made to Master Ulezander that had me rejecting her. I vowed that I would never become the monster I had once been. I would never choose that path again. That was the only thing that stopped me.”

  Silence fell. What else was there to say? I’d spilled my darkness onto my lover, risking that happiness I just mentioned. But Aishe deserved to know exactly who he’d bound himself to. He deserved to know every nook and cranny in my head. No secrets. Not ever again. Considering what I’d put him through, what I demanded of him...I owed him the unvarnished truth.

  I sensed him step up behind me and I tensed, my hands fisted. But it was only for one breath that we stood, unmoving. Then he slowly slid his arms around my waist, pressing his chest against my back. My breath whooshed out. I didn’t realize I was holding it. He rested his chin on my shoulder, and I slowly brought my hands up and touched his. I realized then how cold my skin was, as his own burned mine.

  “Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you for trusting me. I needed to know. I needed to understand.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, feeling like I had to apologize.

  “I love you.”

  My stomach lurched and then settled, becoming warm. My heart pounded harder and actually ached, more at his tone, than his words. He said them like they were a statement of fact.

  “I don’t know that mage,” he continued softly. “The one that hurt all those creatures. I don’t know him. I don’t ever want to know him. But I know you. I see you. I believe in you.”

  His words echoed my own to him all those years ago. I closed my eyes tightly but it didn’t stop the tears from burning them and rolling down my face. “He’s still in me, Aishe. The rage is still there, waiting to be unleashed. I was him again, I felt that rage again, with Drasyln. I tortured her, Aishe. And I liked it.” I swallowed hard. “I think the scariest part of all this, is there’s a part of me that misses what I was—the freedom, the lack of conscious. That part misses the addictive high I felt as I controlled the life and death of those creatures. Just as my father once controlled me.”

  Aishe’s arms tightened around me as I spoke, but he stayed silent.

  “You say you don’t know that mage,” I continued. “And that’s true enough. But he’s still there, inside. I don’t know if I’ll always keep him contained.”

  “It scares me, too,” Aishe whispered. “I think I saw a bit of him, when you decapitated that mage from Cwaylin, using him to send a message to the council.”

  I blinked. Had he?

  “And I’ve always sensed the rage simmering inside you, my love. I see you, remember? I’ve always known it was there.”

  And yet he still wanted to be my mate.

  “But, I will confess, while some of me was afraid, another part was exhilarated.”

  I frowned at my reflection. “What do you mean?”

  “You’re powerful, Morgorth. Very powerful. And you have a name that terrifies others. I would be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me proud and aroused by the knowledge that you’re mine, and I’m yours. Your power often excites me.”

  I smiled slowly, amazingly enough, feeling my body stir at his words. “What did I do to deserve you?”

  He kissed my cheek. “You’re so gentle with me, Morgorth. Then and now. You have never once harmed me. And when I needed to believe in something, in myself, I had you to help me. You helped me love and accept myself, Morgorth. That was a great gift. Now it’s my turn. It’s my turn to give you something to believe in, and to help you believe in yourself.”

  I finally turned my face to stare into his eyes. Nothing but love was in them. Words failed me. So I kissed him. Then, as my magick surged up to simmer at the surface, I used pure force to gently nudge him back to the bed. His eyes widened in surprise as my hands left him, but he was still nudged by an unseen force. Then, with a little s
hove, he fell on the bed, blinking with confusion.

  I smiled slightly. “You like my power, do you?”

  Something wicked glinted in his eyes. I knew he read my tone, probably saw a similar glint in my eyes.

  “Yes,” he said, a slight purr in his voice. He was naked, his legs spread, his body supported on his elbows. His cock stirred, coming to life at the game we played. “I love the power you command, the way your eyes shine when you use your magick. The fear you invoke when you fight.”

  I approached him and with a flick of my wrist and a murmured word, my own clothes vanished. His eyes drank me in, lust darkening the green. His eyes took their time and I let him. Then his gaze met mine and he licked his lips. I hardened quickly, beginning to pant.

  But when he sat up and tried to touch me, I murmured another word, flicked my wrist again and force caught hold of his wrists and shoved him back on the bed. He gasped as my force held his arms over his head, immobilizing him. When he looked at me again, I could see he enjoyed the domination. His trust in me nearly shattered my plan of foreplay, but I managed to hold on. I stepped between his legs and he spread them farther.

  “Put your feet on the bed,” I said. He did, both of us knowing that would expose him even more to my gaze. His knees bent, still spread wide, and I saw everything; his beautiful, pale cock, his large, soft balls, his small puckered hole. He watched me watch him, his face flushed, his eyes shining.

  “I wonder,” I said softly, drifting a fingertip up his leg to his knee, then down his thigh. He trembled. “Did you fantasize about this, as well? Was this the domination you imagined?”

  Aishe still trembled, licked his lips again. Then he nodded. It didn’t take much energy to keep the force binding his wrists, but I didn’t want my concentration split. So, I released the force, but harnessed wind to slip under Aishe and lift him so he lay with his head on the pillows, his arms against the headboard. He gasped, his eyes wide as he literally flew over the bed. My control, my skill, had certainly grown. Then, with another word, I conjured long ribbons I kept in another room and used them to bind Aishe’s wrists to the headboard.