“Huh?”
“Come on. Look at those pictures. The chemistry. The sparks. There’s fire in there. You know how people work. Lil’ Donnie Gibson meets Hottie Firefighter. Come on. This is what they want more of. This sells. This is hot. We gotta work this, and you know it. Don’t play hard to get.”
“Jerrick,” I said, realizing that Dax wasn’t doing much to help himself by that point. “We need to talk it all over with Elliott. Do you mind if we get back to you about it?”
“Of course, of course. Ferah just told me that Jenna Marbles and Connor Franta are talking about it on YouTube. And they’re having a discussion about it on CNN. Did you hear that? CNN!” He laughed. “God, this is juicy. You guys let me know how much to throw Dax into the mix, and we’ll keep this ball rolling and take over the whole goddamn world together.”
“Alright, thank you for discussing this with me, Jerrick.”
Dax hit the End Call button and leaned back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. “Good fucking God.”
“Good fucking God? You should be relieved. You made it sound like he was going to sack us, but he’s ecstatic!”
“I’m sorry. I’m just having a hard time thinking through all this. The pictures, being out in public, Hacksmore being excited about it…and did you say we were a thing?”
I moved over onto the couch, beside him. Mac’s gaze shifted between us.
“We are a thing,” I told him.
“No, we’re not.”
“Wait. What do you think a thing means?”
“Maybe you should tell me what you think a thing is first?” Dax asked, eyeing me suspiciously.
“Why are you saying it like that?”
“You’re not thinking that we’re, like, all having feelings for each other or wanting to do anything more than what we’ve done?”
“What? No. But I figured we are at least friendly…with clear benefits, which would be a thing.”
“Okay, if that is a thing, then we are that thing, but only that thing.”
“I’m glad we had this important discussion,” I mocked, really just trying to get him to lighten up once again.
But Dax glanced around the room and shook his head.
23
Dax
“I’m sorry, Jace.”
I was struggling to even think straight since I saw the news on my cell. I wasn’t able to focus on figuring out what was happening at the moment when I kept going back to being that ten-year-old kid, lost and confused about all that was happening in my life.
“I know this can’t be making much sense to you, and I’m not doing much in the way of helping with that,” I admitted.
“Yeah, you’re definitely not doing that.”
“It’s just…what to you and Hacksmore is cute Lil’ Donnie Gibson was part of a long series of events in my past that I like to pretend never happened.”
Jace narrowed his eyes as though I’d lost my mind. “Okay, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I managed to pick up on that much already.”
Fair enough.
“A lot of things were going on in my head when I saw those pics. It would be one thing for anyone to have to see photos of themselves making out plastered across the Internet. Anyone would have the right to be upset. But it was another to see you outed without your consent and then me being outed for something I’ve spent my life divorcing myself from. Then I was thinking about Hacksmore and that if he cut out of the deal, you wouldn’t be able to give any of that money to the center like you wanted.”
Jace rested his hand on my leg. “It sounds like the money is staying right where it is, so why don’t you talk to me about this Donnie Gibson stuff and why it’s fucked with you like this.”
I could tell he wanted to support me when I was feeling wrecked by my past catching up with me. I was used to compartmentalizing it, acting like it was another life away, but there it was, flashing right in front of me the way cameras once had in that period of my childhood when I attended premieres and award ceremonies with my mom.
Considering what had already been made public, it was bound to come out, so I figured now was the time to be straight with Jace.
“I wish I could say it was a remarkable story, but it’s a cliché in Tinseltown. Mom grew up on a ranch in Minnesota. She had big dreams, like so many who hurry off to Hollywood only to be met with disappointment. But she got some lucky breaks, and the fact that she even had a hit in the nineties was somewhat of a miracle for her. It was like she’d died and gone to heaven. She was so big, she’d special-guest on all the popular series of her time and hit the talk-show circuit. She was spoiled rotten by producers and dated some sexy male stars. Like most people who get a break, she thought it was a done deal. She’d arrived, but she didn’t have the foresight to realize that these tides come and go so quickly. For her, even quicker than some. When she was trying to break out of TV and into film, she made some bad career moves and pissed off the wrong people. That on top of lavish expenses left her with debt under one arm and a kid under the other.”
“Sounds like a tough hand,” Jace said.
“Well, might have been a tough hand, but Mom was good at bluffing. The actress in her, I guess. She found an agent/manager, and they started dating when I was a kid, trying to get her back in the game. And if she was in the game, I needed to be in it too. It was a family business, after all. That’s what she’d say. As far back as I can remember, she was carting me off to talent shows. I needed to sing, dance, and act. While most kids were learning to tie their shoes, I was landing my first commercial agent. I got a break in a commercial, and then a casting director saw me and brought me in for a TV pilot. That show didn’t get picked up, but they wanted a new kid for another pilot, and they chose me. And that was The Gibsons. We had an okay contract for the first season, but after that, Mom’s boyfriend—not the same guy, but a guy who basically played the same role in her life—handled the contracts and got me loads more money. A dream come true, right?” I let out a bitter chuckle at the thought.
“Doesn’t really sound like it was ever your dream.”
It would have been easy to agree with him, but when was life ever easy?
“In some ways, it was. I wanted it because she wanted it, and I wanted her to be happy. But the attention she craved, the premieres and award ceremonies she loved attending, I didn’t enjoy any of that. Even the acting itself wasn’t fun for me. I’d say the nice part was the friends I made with the cast and crew, because that was more stability than I’d ever had before. And the longer I was known, the less Mom was around. The thing I did for her seemed to keep her away more. She was off trying to revamp her career, but it wasn’t happening. She landed some dead-end jobs, but nothing ever went anywhere. And it was hard on her. She wound up spending what she believed was our money. Wish she would have bought cars and clothes, but heroin was Mom’s drug of choice, though when asked in interviews, she’d swear it was just coke. Lies…lies…and image. That was all Mom knew. Desperately seeking the attention of her public. That was what she’d learned to survive. If they like you, you get everything. If they don’t, you get shit.”
The more I told Jace about her, the more I figured he must’ve observed the apparent disconnect between someone like Nance and someone like my mother. It was only going to go downhill from there.
“I don’t think I knew real terror until I came home at thirteen and found Mom lying in the bathtub, fully clothed, looking like she’d been in a bar fight, blood rushing from her nose, her neck caked in vomit. I thought she was dead. Luckily, she’d just OD’d.”
“Thirteen? Dax, I can’t even begin to imagine how horrible that must’ve been.”
Why was I sharing those things with him, this guy I barely knew? And yet, I knew it was because of all the people in my life, Jace seemed like the least likely to judge me for the past. Even in the short time we’d known one another, I knew that much. The circumstances surrounding the endorsement deal were the only rea
son a guy like him was in my life, because Jace Kruse was a rarity in my world…perhaps any world, really.
“I was in season three of the series when my mom went to rehab for the fourth…maybe fifth time,” I confessed. “I couldn’t tell you for sure because at that point she was out of my life more than in it. I was staying with an actress from the show because she was the only one who’d ‘watch me.’ That’s what my mom called it when she’d drop me off for a night of babysitting and just leave, gone for weeks or months, sometimes on a drug bender, sometimes for rehab. I never really knew which or when she was telling the truth.”
Jace stroked my thigh gently, like when we fucked and he was offering me that soothing assurance of his soft caress. As much as I prided myself on being able to take care of myself, in that moment, it felt pretty damn good to have his support.
“I can see where your perception of the industry and fame comes from,” he said.
“That was just my first taste of what stardom did to a person. Not only what it did to her, but to her friends too. It’s hard on a person when they’re given so much, only to have it all—appreciation, affection, money—pulled out right from under them. It’s a jarring thing for a person when that’s all they ever wanted in life.”
“Everyone wants those things, Dax.”
He was right, but it was hard for me to explain what I meant. “You’ll have to see what it’s like when it happens to know…really know…the damage it does to a soul. I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve seen fall prey to the la-la-land machine. Insecurities mixed with money and drugs is a terrible combination, and it’s all too common. And the worst part is when the fall is the hardest, when the failure is tremendous, everyone’s watching, writing up articles about you and interviewing those around willing to rat you out for a couple of bucks. It’s all a grand production to the public.”
As Jace had mentioned, he’d seen enough specials and documentaries and tabloids to know, at least in part, what I was talking about. Still, it was one thing to read about it or watch it on some crafted cable network’s docudrama. It was another to watch them unravel right before your very eyes, as I had with my mother…as I had with so many others.
“Then why work in PR? It clearly affects you. You’re obviously bothered by what it does to people.”
“I guess I always had it in my head that I could maybe help someone else through the wreckage. Hasn’t been my experience, but occasionally I’ve been able to help people navigate that chaotic world. Or in some cases, help people pick up the pieces when the spotlight’s moved on.”
“Sounds like someone else runs into burning buildings for a living?”
I had to laugh. “No need to make it sound more heroic than it is. For the most part, it doesn’t get that bad. And most of the time, the public’s moved on by the time these stars are at their most self-destructive. But I’ve learned I have a knack for it. I know this world, how it works, what it’s all about. Being realistic and not some starry-eyed kid makes me good at my job.”
He eyed me skeptically, as though he knew my reasons didn’t explain it all.
“It’s complicated, Jace. I have a very complicated relationship with what I do, but obviously there’s more keeping me there than making me leave. Besides, as many disasters as I’ve met in my day, I’ve met some okay guys too.” I winked at him, and he smiled, the first since things had turned so serious after I got the news, though chatting with Jace had helped calm me down. “You’re easy to talk to. A good listener. Another thing I don’t see a lot in my job. A lot of people just like to hear themselves talk.”
“Well, they’re missing out on that sexy resonance of your voice, then.”
I appreciated everything Jace was doing, that he was listening. It was helping me find my bearings, sort my way through the madness of everything those photos and the headline had stirred up.
“Regardless, thank you for listening. I think I’m coherent enough to come up with a game plan now, figure out what the hell I’m going to do.”
“Are you considering what Hacksmore said? About signing on to do promo stuff with me?”
“Hell no. That much, I already know. But I need to get my thoughts sorted around all this and get things squared away with Elliott and Carter before I have any more discussions with Hacksmore. Then you and I will need to have a talk about this mess when I can think straight again.”
“I’ll be ready when you’re ready to talk.”
I offered a little scratch against Mac’s neck, glad that, like Jace, he’d been there for me during my mini breakdown.
Jace and I didn’t talk much more before I headed out. I was too busy trying to sort through my thoughts on everything that had happened. When I finally made it to the door to leave, Jace told me, “Just remember what you said about me being a good listener. I’m here if you need anything.”
“Thanks, man. And sorry again for any awkwardness with your family or friends.”
“Least of my worries.”
Like when he’d disregarded my concern about him being outed, I was shocked by how comfortable he was with himself. That seemed to be the least troubling thing on his mind, and there was something refreshing about that. It reminded me how few shits Jace gave about other people’s impressions of him, which I knew was one of the things that fascinated me most about him. Because I was from a world where that was the most important thing to people.
With his hand on my shoulder, he said, “You got this, man. Now come here.” He pulled me in for a much-needed hug.
I wasn’t the kind of guy who ever needed anyone to be there for me, but in that moment, I was glad Jace was.
When I returned to the hotel, I met up with Carter in my room, and we perused the media together, catching up on the delicious tea circulating about Jace and myself—the fresh Instagram star and the has-been child star.
“‘Lil’ Donnie Gibson All Grown Up,’ ‘How He Looks Today…and You’ll Never Guess Who He’s Dating,’ ‘Lil’ Donnie Gibson Has a Big New Hunk,’” Carter read the headlines he’d already saved on his computer, and kept on as I was similarly inundated with the glowing coverage about our secret tryst in the woods.
It was the best-case scenario, and it would have been easy to go along with Hacksmore’s plan to milk the coverage, but I knew this business—how quickly the tables could turn, how sharp the fall could be.
No, that wasn’t for me. But what about Jace?
I liked him, and I wanted to continue having fun with him, but now that everyone knew, could I even have that much? Could I endure the public’s gaze, live under scrutiny for something that had been so enjoyable in secret?
I knew what it was like to be lured into the spotlight by the promise of having all one’s dreams come true…to be so close that you felt the intensity of the heat. But what drew me now into the spotlight wasn’t dreams of stardom and fame. It was a man I grew increasingly drawn to with every passing day.
But I knew the consequences of getting too close to that spotlight.
One way or another, you got burned.
24
Jace
“Hey, Nance!” I called as I entered the house, heading through the hall into the kitchen.
“Hi, Jace!” Nance called back as she rounded the corner, all smiles, but I knew her well enough to sense her tension.
I hadn’t mentioned anything to her about the article Dax had shown me…or the many more I’d discovered after he’d left my place and I’d started googling myself. Based on how many of my friends had messaged me their support on my drive over, I had no doubt Nance and Keegan had already heard the news. After all, gossip spread through Fever Falls like a flame across gasoline.
But my fixation wasn’t with my own involvement in the news, but Dax’s. It was hard seeing him so worked up, and once I’d learned how it connected to his past, it was so much easier for me to understand why. His notoriety clearly reminded him of his shitty childhood, of being left by his mother who was off pursuing h
er self-destructive impulses. In different ways, we’d both been on our own when we were kids. I had been abandoned by parents I’d never known and lived at the shelter, and Dax had a mother who had been more consumed with nurturing her needs than caring for him.
I continued toward Nance, knowing we needed to have this conversation. I would have called, but this was something I preferred to handle face-to-face with the people who were most important to me.
I entered the kitchen, and Keegan eyed me as he sat on the table, iPhone in hand, about as incapable of hiding his surprise as Nance.
“Dude,” Keegan said, “Are you—”
“—wanting us to make some lunch?” Nance interjected. “I can make sandwiches, or we could go out. Unless you don’t want to go out, then—”
“You guys, we can go ahead and get this conversation out of the way,” I said, trying to set them at ease. “I figured someone had probably mentioned it to you. That’s why I headed over.”
Nance breathed a sigh of relief.
“Apparently, I’m bisexual.”
“That’s fine,” Keegan said. “You could be just about anything other than a Dodgers fan and I’d be cool with you.”
“Keegan!” Nance said severely. “You would need to learn to see past your brother’s love of the Dodgers.”
“Call me ignorant, but no. God didn’t make anyone a Dodgers fan.” His lips curled into a smirk, and we all shared a laugh.
“But seriously,” Nance added. “You know we love you, no matter who you want to be with. Are you okay? I hear there are some pretty scandalous pictures online. I haven’t seen them, but—”
“I saw them,” Keegan said.
Nance turned to him. “I told you not to look at them.”
“Oh, is it a crime for me to see what everyone in this town is looking at?” He turned his attention to me, adding with a thumbs-up, “Lookin’ good, bro,” and making me laugh.
“Thanks, Keeg.”
“You guys,” Nance said, rolling her eyes. “So you’re not feeling horribly exploited or disgusting…or like you hate the world right now?”
#BURN (Fever Falls Book 2) Page 15
