Murder Ala Mode

by Constance Barker

  “So, maybe we’ve been barking up the wrong tree this whole time.”

  “I really have to go now,” Dirk said with urgency.

  Brody continued. “Maybe we should be looking for someone who had a motive to kill you.”

  Brody checked his phone and seemed to be reading a response to his previous text. Then Brody let Dirk go. The young man went quickly out the door.

  That’s it! I thought to myself. Those are the same kind of ink stains that my left-handed cousin used to always get, because his wrist would pass over the wet ink while he was writing!

  “Brody!” I said, standing quickly. “Stop him! He’s the killer! Dirk’s the killer!”

  Brody just stood there and smiled.

  “Brody, this is not some weird little theory! Dirk is left-handed and he hated Reggie Zorn because of his relationship with Randi! And he lied about being left-handed!”

  “I know,” he said, sitting casually on the table by the podium.

  I was confused. “So, he’s getting away!”

  “Is he?”

  The doors in the back of the auditorium opened.

  “Is this what you wanted me to get for you, Sheriff?” Deloris asked, pushing Dirk into the room with the barrel of a long gun. She was smoking a cigarette and had a pump-action Winchester shotgun in his back. “I barely had time to run to my car and back to get my little shotgun here when this guy practically ran into me just inside the main entrance. Some how I was able to convince him to join us all back inside the auditorium.”

  Brody nodded. “That’s exactly what I wanted, Deloris. Cuff him, Stuart.”

  The guard at the door took a step toward Dirk.

  “He was supposed to be in that chair!” Dirk hollered, pointing at Reggie Zorn. Dirk was a sweaty, crying mess. “Not Randi! Not Randi. I never meant to kill Randi. She deserved better than that womanizing pile of garbage! He was just using her, like all the other girls in his classes! He was just using her. Randi deserved better than him.”

  Dirk fell to his knees, doubled over and trembling as he sobbed. The guard at the door cuffed him.

  Two deputies escorted Dirk out, and the room became quiet. No one had expected this turn of events.

  “Lunch anyone?” Brody asked. “Thank you all for helping us solve this case today. There’ll be a dozen party-size pizzas waiting for you at D’Angelo’s in about 20 minutes.”

  It didn’t take long for everyone to start heading over to the restaurant. Just Duggery, Ruby, Brody, and I were left.

  “So, how come you let Dirk go, Brody?” I asked him. “You had to know he was going to run.”

  “I wanted him to run. If he tried to flee, it would help show that he really was the killer, and that would help the case against him. And I texted Deloris to reel him back in. There were more deputies outside to keep him from getting away. It was a nice bonus that he gave us the confession after we caught him.”

  “Excellent work,” Duggery said, slapping Brody on the back.

  “Well, it was you who told me to ask Zorn about who was supposed to be in the chair after you noticed the tell-tale ink stains on Dirk’s wrist.”

  “I got a lot of grief from my mother for ruining all my shirt sleeves when I was a school lad,” Duggery chuckled. “So, if he was lying about not being left-handed I assumed there might be a reason for it.”

  “So, is McLean County going to buy us lunch too, Sheriff?” Ruby asked. “I’m starving, but not for pizza. I was thinking maybe a nice teriyaki chicken wrap and a small salad.”

  “I think under the circumstances, I can swing that Ruby. Join us, Professor. I insist.”

  “Don’t mind if I do.”

  “So, when did you start to suspect Dirk?” I asked Duggery as we headed for the parking lot.

  “Well, I’ve had my eye on him from the beginning. But it wasn’t until I saw the ink stains earlier and then deduced that it could indeed have been a left-handed assailant that I was quite sure. The motive finally fit when Professor Zorn mentioned that he should have been in that chair. But I should have known right away after the murder.”

  “Why?” I asked him.

  “Elementary, my dear.” Then he leaned toward my ear. “The butler did it!”

  Chapter Twelve

  “I can’t believe it’s not even a month since the fire, and we’ll be opening for dinner in one hour!” Babs sang joyfully as she put the salt and pepper shakers on the booths and tables.

  “Yes indeedee!” Red added. “The big Grand Opening of the newly remodeled Old School is here!”

  “Well, you can thank Brody and Professor Duggery for solving the case in record time,” I said, “otherwise the place might still be considered a crime scene.”

  “You’re welcome,” Brody said from his new favorite spot in a booth by the front window. “Got any of that new lemonade over there?”

  Deloris brought him a glass.

  “And you helped considerably in solving the matter yourself too, Mercy,” Professor Duggery added. He became a bit of a celebrity on campus after helping to solve our case in one day, and the students demanded that he stay on to teach a class in criminology during the Fall quarter.

  “Well, maybe I helped a little. But, you know,” I said, “I can’t say as I really minded having more time for myself these past few weeks – when I wasn’t here ordering new equipment.”

  “And making sure us worker bees didn’t screw up the floor plan or use the wrong paint or tiles,” Jake added with a smile as he touched up the white paint on the woodwork.

  “I wasn’t too horrible, was I?”

  “Nope,” Jake replied without making eye contact.

  “You were like a fire-breathing ogre with two heads, Mercy,” Deloris said handing me a lemonade. “Let me know if it’s sweet enough. But I must admit that the place couldn’t have turned out better if I’d done it myself.”

  It did look stunning – but it was still the Old School. The new black-and-white checker board floor tiles gleamed like a 1950s’ malt shop. The round red seat cushions on the counter stools shined and spun freely now and, and the white upholstered booths and chairs with red tufting buttons and red lacquer tables actually made my heart flutter. But it was the sidewalk café out front that I liked best of all.

  I was still admiring my new castle when billows of white smoke started coming out of the pass-through window.

  “Smoke! What are you doing back there?!” I was worried about my brand-new café.

  He came rushing out of the swinging doors. “Hey, Mercy, where is the fire extinguisher in this place? I can’t find where they hid it.”

  “Oh, no!” I rushed into the kitchen to find Zack with a big smile standing next to a half-sheet cake with candles and Congratulations, Mercy on it.

  Smoke walked in behind me and put his hand on my shoulder. “Sorry, Mercy. I just created some fake smoke with some vinegar and baking soda. We baked you a little cake for the occasion. Happy Grand Re-opening. You’re the best boss anyone could ever have.”

  I fanned my vapors away with my hand and gave Smoke a little punch in the shoulder for pranking me. Then I gave him a big hug.

  “Thanks, guys. Why don’t you light it up and bring it out to the counter? Are your specials going to be ready on time?”

  “We’ll be ahead of schedule, with all this fancy new equipment. And the new steam table will keep everything at the perfect temperature for hours. We’re good.”

  “Well, it smells terrific, whatever it is.”

  “Roast beef with all the trimmings.”

  “Perfect!”

  I went into the dining room to find that Ruby had arrived, and she was all snuggled up to my Sheriff, holding his arm and pressing her head against his shoulder. She was giggling, but stopped as soon as she heard my voice.

  “Is this any kind of behavior for an engaged woman, Ruby?” I teased her, though I was still a little befuddled by their closeness.

  “Hi, Mercy! I was just telling the Sherif
f how excited I am that Justin will be in town next week.”

  “That’s great. Just don’t get married too soon. I don’t want to be the only old maid in town.”

  “Don’t be silly. You and Brody are just like a married couple, Mercy.”

  “Mm, not exactly.”

  “So, are you going to reveal the killer from the Murder at Berkshire Manor play tonight?” she asked. “A lot of people are asking, and I think a lot of the people coming for the Grand Opening are expecting to find out.”

  “I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” I said. “You know, with the unfortunate events and all…”

  “Yes, we are going to reveal the killer,” Brody informed us. “I even brought my Sherlock Jones outfit for the big reveal. Eight o’clock sharp.”

  Ruby had a curious look on her face. “Good! Good, then.”

  Smoke and Zack brought the cake out, singing Happy Grand Opening to You. It was a really touching moment, and I enjoyed all the hugs from my friends.

  “Don’t spoil your dinner now!” I said. “I have to sell some dinners tonight. It’s been a month without any sales, you know!”

  Brody hugged me and handed me a crisp new dollar bill.

  “This is for the lemonade. I want to be the one to give you your first dollar in your new diner.

  “Thanks!” I said. “I’ll frame it and hang it on the wall. Make sure you sign it. But, Brody?”

  “Yeah?”

  “The lemonade is $1.75. New diner, new prices!”

  The door opened at 5:00 p.m. sharp, and we filled up fast. Everybody loved the place. The food was terrific, and Babs and Deloris ran the dining room smoothly and flawlessly. The sidewalk café was a big hit too. There were even reporters from several newspapers, since the place had been in the news for Randi Taylor.

  “I don’t think you’ll have any trouble filling up those 20 new seats you’ve added with the new design, Mercy,” Babs whispered to me as the dinner rush started to wind down.

  “I hope you’re right. It would be a big help.”

  “Ooh! Almost 8:00,” she said as Brody came back in the front door in his Sherlock jacket and white cowboy hat.

  Ruby gave him a questioning look, and he winked and patted his heart. I was definitely going to have to find out was going on with those two.

  The lights dimmed, and Jake and Junior moved the big table on the end out of the way. Deloris came out of the kitchen in her scullery maid outfit, chewing gum.

  “What’s going on, Babs?” I asked.

  “Beats me. The big reveal, I guess. Sit down!”

  She sat me on the end of the counter, where I had been the night of the play.

  “Here, Babsy,” Deloris said, handing Babs her gum wrapped in a napkin. “Toss this for me. And your cape is in the kitchen.” Then she went to center stage, under a light, and Babs disappeared into the kitchen.

  “’Ello, gang. It’s been a month since our dinner at Berkshire Manor, and word on the street is that some of you are wondering who offed old Lord Feffelmeyer in the observatory while he ate his dessert.”

  Reggie Zorn and Liberty Cheswick walked out of the kitchen in full costume, with Babs not far behind with just the velvet cape over her uniform. They lined up next to Deloris.

  “We’re missing a few characters, but I can assure you that the butler did not do it this time, nor did the unfortunate Dutchess Vandershallow. Pray for the dear girl.” She bowed her head and was silent for a moment. “The killer of Lord Feffelmeyer is here on this stage right now.

  “Is it Duke Middlewick of Surrey? Is it the young Lady Feffelmeyer? Is it Countess Cavalachi of Tuscany? Who’s the killer? Oo’s the killer? Detective Sherlock Jones, will you please come up here and reveal the odious murderer?”

  Brody strode into the stage area with his usual Sheriff-style swagger. He looked quite dignified in his hat and coat, and he even brought a Meerschaum pipe for the occasion.

  He seemed more nervous tonight than he had been last time, but then again, he never made it to the stage last time. He stepped over to me, grabbed my glass, and took a big swallow of my lemonade.

  “Duke Middlewick,” he began, “where were you when the lights went out?”

  “Why, I somehow, ahem, got tangled up in Lady Feffelmeyer’s skirt, so I couldn’t possibly have killed the old fool.”

  “Is that correct, Lady Feffelmeyer?”

  “Why, yes. Yes, I’m afraid it is. A freak accident, really. But somehow his hand became entangled in my garter belt. So, you see, Detective Jones, neither of us could have killed my father. Besides, I loved the old man.”

  She and the Duke slowly turned their heads in unison, casting an accusatory look upon Countess Cavalachi.

  Babs put her hand to her chest and clutched her pearls. “No! ’Twas not I. He was my betrothed!”

  “Don’t worry, Countess,” Brody said. I know you didn’t kill Lord Feffelmeyer. You see, I have spoken to every person in the room individually, matching up stories and picking out the lies. There is only one person who had the motive and the opportunity to kill the old man. There is only one person who knew that, once the Lord was remarried they would no longer be needed here. There was only one person who stood to gain a fine coach house in Surrey and a lifetime stipend of 500 pounds a month according to the terms of Lord Feffelmeyer’s will. And there was only one person who had a gun hidden in the butler’s pantry, right next to the light switch for the observatory.”

  They all looked at each other. Brody had managed to build up some actual tension for his big moment.

  “It was YOU!” he said, pointing an accusing finger directly at Deloris, the scullery maid. “YOU killed Lord Feffelmeyer. YOU are the killer, scullery maid.”

  “You can call me Dee Dee, detective,” she said, to the laughs of the crowd.

  Babs and Liberty feigned tears. “How could you!” Babs said.

  “Ah, lighten up,” Deloris said. “He was an old geezer anyway. Probably didn’t have but a year or two left on this earth, if ’e was lucky. And ’e was an ’orrible scoundrel like the rest of you, as well. We’re all better off without ’im.”

  Brody handcuffed her as the lights came up, and they all bowed several times to the applause.

  Brody took off his cowboy hat, and then pulled me into the stage area with him.

  “And, ladies and gentlemen, let’s continue the applause for Miss Mercy Howard, the proprietor of this beautiful new establishment, a very special place that has brought so much joy and camaraderie to this entire community.”

  I saw Brody pat his heart again and then reach to his inside breast pocket. I turned to the crowd. Everybody was on their feet now. I don’t like attention like this, but I took a small bow. That’s when I heard them all say “oooh!” in unison, and I saw Ruby bouncing on her toes, clapping her hands…and crying with a big smile on her face.

  What in the world?

  I turned to look at Brody, and then my tears started too. He was down on one knee, and he was holding a small box with something very shiny inside! He looked at the crowd, and they fell silent.

  “Mercy Howard,” he said to me as I tried to control my trembling and listen to his words, “I knew from the first time I laid eyes on you that you were the one and only woman in this world that I wanted to spend every minute of my life with. I love you, I respect you more than anyone, and I like everything about you.”

  “Even her ornery old customers?” Red called out to some laughs. He wore a big grin, his new dentures shiny and white.

  “Even her all of her wacky friends, her dog, and both of her hamsters. Mercy, I’m not real good with words, but I’m wondering, will you marry me and be my wife?”

  The crow began to chant, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

  I buried my crying face in my hands and nodded. “Yes!” was all I could say, and the crowd cheered. Then Brody took my left hand and slid the heart-shaped diamond ring on my finger.

  I was trembling hard as I pulled him to his feet. We e
mbraced, and he whispered in my ear. “I hope you like the ring, Mercy. I know I was taking a chance on the heart-shaped stone, but you’ve always owned my heart, and…”

  “I love it! And I love you.”

  I heard a champagne cork pop and then another, and I looked to see Smoke handing bottles to Deloris and Babs, and Jake and Junior were passing out plastic champagne glasses.

  Then Smoke stepped to the edge of the counter and raised his glass. Everyone stopped to listen.

  “Good people of the Paint Creek greater metropolitan area,” he said to the hearty laughter of the crowd, “I’d like to make a toast to the future Mr. And Mrs. Brody Hayes. Mercy, I worked for your grandfather here in this diner 50 years ago, and he was a great man. But it took skills, talents, humor, and grace of that little blonde girl who used to stick her finger in my cake batter to really make the Old School Diner the important institution it is in our town today. Congratulations, and best wishes on your impending nuptials.”

  The crowd applauded again, and Brody and I made our way to the front booth where Ruby was sitting with Professor Duggery.

  “Well, Ruby,” I said to her, “That was one mystery I didn’t figure out.”

  “Mystery?”

  “You know – why I kept catching you in whispered conversations with my guy, which stopped suddenly when I appeared. Brody patting his heart and winking at you…”

  “I was just making sure I had the ring in my top pocket!”

  “I know. And now Ruby is not the only engaged lady in Paint Creek.”

  “I told ya you two were like a married couple.”

  I looked at Brody. “I guess we are. Now it won’t matter so much which one of us is Sherlock and which one is Watson, I guess.”

  Duggery looked a little confused.

  “Brody and I always have this little competition. Whoever does the most to solve a case gets to be Sherlock, and the other is his loyal assistant.”

  “I see,” Duggery replied with a nod. “Legend has it that Conan Doyle used my great grandfather as his inspiration for Watson. Holmes was nothing but an addicted narcissist, some say. But Watson. If you read closely, Watson always guided the investigation whether Holmes was aware of it or not.”