by Brook Wilder
“I agree,” I answered, thinking of his sly grins. I didn’t trust the fucker and the minute we let our guard down, we could be in some deep shit. “I’m going home to clean up and will contact him in a few hours to do it all over again.”
“I’m sending men this time,” Chains said as I stood. “Ahead of time to station themselves in case this hits the fan again. I don’t like the idea of you being out there by yourself.”
I shrugged, not in the mood to fight it. “Do what you think you have to do, but Polanco’s mine.”
“Agreed,” Chains nodded. “You might want to take some flowers. Those tend to soften them up.”
I flashed him the middle finger before walking out of the office. I wasn’t confident at all that Elisa would be softened up. She was going to be pissed.
I just had to make her understand I didn’t want her in harm’s way. Now that Voodoo had gotten wind of our relationship, he could use her to his whim, and I didn’t like it.
The ride home was short, and I dismissed the bikers lounging on my front porch before entering the house quietly. It was dark, though I had half expected her to be sitting on the couch, waiting for me.
But she wasn’t. That could only mean she was in my bed.
Despite the concern of what was about to go down, my body reacted to the thought of her naked between the sheets, waiting. Damn, I couldn’t get enough of that woman.
Silently, I walked down the hall to my bedroom, stepping inside and was somewhat relieved to find her lying there. She hadn’t left.
For a moment, I stood in the doorway, watching as she slept and felt the tug on my heart. This woman had been through all kinds of shit in her lifetime: the death of her brother, the loss of our own friendship, and her team. She had taken on a dangerous profession in the hopes of helping one or two strangers in the middle of nowhere.
Her resolve humbled me. She thought I was the hero, she was proud of what I had accomplished, but what I’d done was nothing compared to what Elisa had in her short life.
Elisa needed to hear it from me.
Not tonight though. With her sleeping soundly, the thought of waking her up made me uncomfortable. Chains was right. I didn’t know what her reaction was going to be once she saw me or what her questions might be. If this had been something I had shared with her, I would have no qualms climbing into bed next to her.
Knowing Elisa, she could have a knife waiting to cut my balls off.
Grinning, I took one last look before walking back into the living room, shucking my shoes and most of my clothes. I needed a shower and a shave, but that would make too much noise.
So, sleeping on the couch was my only recourse. Sure, there were spare bedrooms, but something about being the first line of defense appealed to me on a far greater scale. Digging through my duffel bag, I pulled out a pair of shorts and threw them on before locating my handguns to tuck in the cushions of the couch. There was also a bevy of knives behind the secret panel near the front door and a few guns mounted in the cabinets in the kitchen for easy access. While I had an expensive ass security system, it wasn’t going to do much against the members of the cartel if they decided to pop in for a visit.
Sighing in the darkness, I closed my eyes, exhaustion threading through my limbs. This wasn’t what I had pictured for my life.
**
“Hey, wake up.”
I opened my eyes and nearly fell off the couch when I saw Will standing a few feet away, wearing his stupid ass ballcap turned backwards. “W-will?”
“Yeah,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. “What the hell were you thinking, man?”
I sat up abruptly, rubbing my eyes to make the vision go away. It had to be a vision, a dream, but Will didn’t disappear. “You’re dead.”
“You’re gonna wish you were,” Will shot back. “What the hell, man? That’s my sister you’re fucking.”
“Will,” I said, panting slightly. This could not be happening. “Dude. It’s not like that.”
He arched a brow. “Damian, you know what it is so don’t try to hide it. She deserves better than you. You’re just putting her in the middle of shit she has no business being in.”
That I couldn’t deny. “I didn’t mean to.”
Will laughed, the sound tearing at my heart. How long had it been since I heard that sound? “No, none of us ever do. I trusted you, man.”
He started to walk away, and I scrambled off the couch, my heart racing. “Will, wait.”
Suddenly the room was transformed to Afghanistan, the grit on my face real as I ran after him. My gear clanged as I tried to keep up with him, wanting to explain it all.
The smells of gunfire and diesel filled the arid air as I finally caught up with him, grabbing his shoulder and turning him around. “Wait, dammit.”
But it wasn’t Will. It was Elisa, the helmet sliding down over her forehead as she glared back at me. I forgot to breathe as I stared into her hard eyes, wanting out of this dream immediately.
No, not her.
She shook off my touch. “We have a job to do, Damian. What are you waiting for?”
It was then that I saw the chopper, saw Elisa making her way to the other guys waving her over.
No, not this. Anything but this!
I started to run as someone else handed up the kid, the kid who would change all our lives forever before the blast hit me, knocking me back.
“Wake up, Damian!”
I shook awake, Elisa’s anxious face peering down at me, her small hands gripping my shoulders and shaking them.
“You’re alive,” I gasped, my body bathed in sweat.
She immediately backed off. “Of course, I am.”
It had been just a dream. No, a nightmare.
I wiped a trembling hand over my face. “Sorry. I was having a nightmare.”
“I thought someone was killing you,” she stated softly. I didn’t dare tell her that I felt the same or what I saw.
It had felt all too real.
Sliding off the couch, I stared at her. “You were asleep, and I didn’t want to wake you.”
She glared at me. “When you left or when you came back?”
Ouch. This wasn’t going to be easy. “I had to go,” I blurted out, my heart starting too slow from the dream. “You don’t understand.”
“Yeah I don’t,” she said tightly. “And you didn’t do anything to help me understand either. I thought… well it doesn’t matter what I thought does it?”
“Elisa,” I started but she held up her hand. “I’m tired so I am going back to bed, alright? We can talk in the morning.”
“Don’t do this,” I said softly, watching as she started down the hall. “Don’t shut me out.”
She paused, not bothering to turn and look at me. “You should have thought about that before you did it to me. Good night, Damian.”
I didn’t go after her, her words damning. She was right. I had shut her out even though I’d promised not to. I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. Even with the club all around me, I had been alone for so long that I had learned not to depend on anyone.
And now my fear of losing someone I cared about was driving Elisa away.
“Shit,” I muttered as the bedroom door shut. First the dream with Will and now Elisa. Well, in the morning I was going to do exactly what Chains had told me to do.
I was going to grovel and beg for her forgiveness. I couldn’t have her walk away now; there was no doubt in my mind the moment she did, she would be heading back over the border, back into the danger I was trying to keep her out of.
I couldn’t allow that to happen. She had no idea what danger she was putting herself in.
Turning back to the couch, I wanted nothing to do with sleeping right now. Hell, I needed a stiff drink and some target practice if I was expecting to complete the mission next time.
Elisa wouldn’t know about that either. What she didn’t realize was how much it fucking scared me to think I couldn’t
protect her from everything. She was too hardheaded for her own good and if I told her anything about what I was doing, I knew she would find a way to join me.
Hell, Elisa would give Chains a run for his money at this point.
Walking toward the kitchen, I shook off the last bit of exhaustion from my body. Sleep could wait. I’d gone longer without it.
I had to come up with a game plan for the morning discussion, a way to have Elisa see reason. If she didn’t, I wasn’t sure how I was going to stop her.
Chapter 18
Elisa
I woke the next morning, feeling exhausted but ready for the fight of my life. Even as I brushed my teeth with the spare toothbrush Damian had provided, I rehearsed my lines in my head, knowing he was going to attempt to keep me here.
I couldn’t stay here any longer. Either he was going to see reason, or I was going to leave, no matter how much it hurt me to do so. Trust was everything to me and Damian had betrayed that trust.
I didn’t’ think he was going to change overnight.
So, I dressed in the borrowed clothes, leaving all his things on the bed, and walked out to the smell of breakfast cooking. My traitorous stomach growled. If Damian thought food was going to sway me, he was wrong.
Sure enough, Damian was at the stove, his chest and feet bare as he shoveled eggs onto the plate and for a second, I drank in the sight. If this had been different between us, if Will had never died, I would want this scene every day for the rest of my life. This man before me had stolen my heart long ago, way before he had ever seen me as someone he could, well, have sex with.
That was all we had between us: physical intimacy. There had been no promises, no words of love or devotion. I didn’t even know if he liked me, like actually liked me.
It was best that I broke this off now and slunk off to lick my wounds.
He turned and for a moment our eyes met each other’s, my heart twisting when I saw the evidence of no sleep on his face. He looked exhausted.
“Good morning,” he said, setting the plate down on the island. “I thought you might be hungry.”
“Did you even sleep?” I blurted out, cursing myself for worrying about him.
He shook his head, the ghost of a smile on his face. “No, not much. I’m good. I’ve dealt with worse. You want coffee?”
I shook my head, not moving to sit at the island. “We have to talk.”
“Yeah,” he said. “We do.”
I swallowed. “I’m going back to work starting the end of the week.”
His head snapped up and his eyes narrowed. “The hell you are.”
“This is not your decision, Damian,” I reminded him. “This is mine and I want to go back to work. I’ve been doing these missions for years and I know the risks.”
“You can’t go back,” he growled. “I won’t let you.”
I let out a miserable laugh. “You can’t stop me, Damian. What are you going to do? Lock me in this house while you go travelling around Mexico killing innocent people?”
His face paled, but I was beyond caring, sliding the phone across the island. “I got these yesterday. You went on another mission, didn’t you?”
He thumbed through the photos, his mouth tightening. “That’s not what it looks like.”
“What is it then?” I asked quietly. “Because it looks like you went on another mission and as a result of whoever your target was, there were casualties, innocent ones.”
He placed the phone back on the granite countertop. “I was doing a job, yes but I didn’t go in there expecting innocent lives to be lost. There is a reason I had to do this one.”
“Tell me,” I urged. “Tell me why.” If Damian would at least open up to me, we could work through this ultra-possessive streak he had developed.
Instead of telling me, he turned to the cabinet, pulling down a plate. “You need to eat.”
“I don’t want to eat,” I forced out, my heart breaking. “I’m done, Damian.” I couldn’t do this anymore.
He threw the plate across the room, the china shattering against the wall. “No! You aren’t leaving and that’s final!”
I was beyond shocked. I knew he would never hurt me, but his lashing out was something I hadn’t expected to see. He seemed unhinged, like someone who was losing it and didn’t know how to cope.
Well, I wasn’t about to help him. “The danger I experience over the border is nothing compared to the danger you put those people in.”
Something flashed in his eyes. “I did what I had to do. You wouldn’t understand that I am trying to protect you.”
“Like you protected Will?”
The moment the words were past my lips I wanted to force them back. Damian went white and I hated that I had said it. It wasn’t true. He hadn’t killed my brother. “Damian, I-”
“Get your shit,” he growled, turning away from me. “I’m taking you to the safe house.”
Tears clogged my throat as I hurried out of the kitchen, not wanting him to see me cry. I had been unfairly mean to him, deliberately throwing in his face the one thing he had no control over.
I was a horrible person.
**
The ride over to the safe house was the absolute worst ride of my life. Damian refused to even look at me as he drove us, the tension so thick I could have cut it with a knife. I wanted to say something, to apologize for what I had said, but at this point, I didn’t think it was going to help. I had pushed him too far, pushed whatever we had between us over the edge and there was no returning.
I had lost him.
Why did I care anyway? He wanted to keep me in a glass castle, with the key locked away while he went out and risked his life over and over again. I couldn’t live like that, not knowing if he was going to come back or not. I couldn’t live with him refusing to share what dangers he was putting himself in and then demanding I stay holed up in the house.
I just wished I hadn’t crossed the line. I was sick to my stomach at what he must have gone through, using the guilt that must have eaten him alive all these years. For me to say something like that, it was uncalled for.
Damian pulled his truck up to an unassuming house not far from the club, not bothering to shut off the engine. “Sabrina and her family will take good care of you.”
I swallowed hard, fighting the emotion bubbling up on the inside. Now that he was letting me go, I wanted him to put up a bigger fight, to hold me close and refuse to let me go. Didn’t he even care at all?
“Damian,” I started, fidgeting with my bag. “I didn’t mean what I said back there. You weren’t responsible for Will’s death. I don’t believe that, and neither should you.”
His jaw clenched. “It doesn’t matter now, does it, Elisa? You’ve said it yourself. I’m not the person you want me to be so let’s just pretend this never happened.”
Never happened? Didn’t he know he had my heart in the palm of his hand? I wanted to rage at him, to throw something and demand he break out of this, this demeanor that seemed to consume him.
But he was never going to let me be me and I wasn’t good enough for him to be anything different. Perhaps he was right. “Just know that I not once quit caring for you,” I said softly, the closest I would come to telling him I loved him. “Take care of yourself, Damian.”
He didn’t respond as I climbed out of the truck, slinging the bag over my shoulder and refusing to glance back, to get one last look, my heart diving to my toes as I heard the truck pull off. It was done. There would be no great reunion, no ‘I love yous.’
It was over between us.
Sabrina met me at the door, pulling me into a rough hug the moment the first tear fell. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Elisa. Men are just, they are assholes.”
I clung to her, the tears coming in earnest now. “He doesn’t know I love him. He doesn’t care.”
“Oh girl, he knows,” she said, pulling back to wipe the tears from my cheeks. “He’s just scared. Trust me. I’ve seen it before. Come on in. Th
ere’s a spare room in the back. You can stay as long as you like.”
I followed her through the house, the smell of fresh baked bread filling the air. I felt like I had just lost my best friend, that my heart had been ripped from my chest and stomped on.
How could he do this to me? How could I have done this to him? It was as much my fault as it was his. I had said things I couldn’t take back, but he couldn’t let his possessive streak go.
