by Brook Wilder
So, we were at this intersection in our lives, one that had us crashing and burning.
“Here you go,” Sabrina said, pushing open the door. “It’s not much, but it’s private.”
“Why are you here?” I asked, pushing past the emotion.
She shook her head. “Hardheaded men, like I told you. After the violence picked up, Harrison moved me and my parents closer to the club so that he could keep an eye on us. God, I love that man, but he can be so stubborn.”
Even as she said it, there was a playful smile on her face, a glow about her that made me hate her just a little. “I will only be here through the rest of the week,” I forced out. “I’m going back to my life.”
However hollow it felt.
“Sure,” Sabrina said, wiping her hands on her jeans. “Get settled in and then we will get you some breakfast. You must be starving.”
The thought of breakfast brought fresh tears to my eyes and I turned away, waiting until she shut the door before I slid to the floor, the sobs returning. I couldn’t believe this had happened between us, that we couldn’t trust each other enough to even be together. Honestly, I would have rather not had Damian at all if it was going to hurt this much being separated from him.
He had walked away like it hadn’t bothered him one bit, though deep down, I wanted to hope that wasn’t the case. I hoped whatever feelings he had ten years ago still lingered just a little and in the times we were together, he had felt cared for.
Now he was alone.
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I tried to think of something else other than the hole in my chest. I hadn’t told Sabrina a lie. I was going back to work. It was the only thing I had in my life and though it would be very different with a new team, I wanted to honor my departed team by carrying on their work. We had saved countless lives together and I intended to save many more.
Besides, I had taken care of myself just fine during the massacre. Damian was wrong. I didn’t need anyone to take care of me. I knew how to do that far too well.
So, I picked myself off the floor, drying my tears with the edge of my shirt. I had to move on. There wasn’t anything else here for me and I wasn’t about to spend my days crying my eyes out when he clearly wasn’t doing the same.
I was stronger than this and I was about to prove it not only to myself but to everyone else I came across.
And if I came across Damian again, I would pretend I didn’t know him. The dreams of us together would fade with time and my heart would heal. After all, it had the first time around.
There was nothing different about this time.
Chapter 19
Damian
I squeezed the trigger, the recoil pounding on my shoulder as the bullet whizzed out of the barrel and to the target, hitting it dead center. I ejected the empty shell simultaneously and loaded the next bullet, firing it with a slow, even breath.
Bullseye.
I had been practicing for two hours now, ensuring that my newly cleaned rifle was ready to go. Voodoo had texted me earlier, letting me know he was ready to get this shit done. I was, too.
I wanted it behind me.
Loading another bullet, I picked up the rifle and folded the tripod back into the slot on the gun, placing the safety on before sliding it into the camo case. Will used to laugh at me the way I took care of my gun, treating it like a precious jewel, but the gun had gotten me out of some tight places over the years.
Just the thought of Will brought me back to the nightmare last night. He had seemed so real, so alive, and for the moment, I thought he had played some harsh joke on all of us by faking his death.
It had been just a damn dream, his ghost haunting me for all the sins I had on my black soul.
Including Elisa.
Picking up the case, I placed it on the table with the rest of my shit that would go over the border, methodically checking for the extra rounds for not only the rifle, but the two glocks that would be strapped to my hips. I was going in there over armed, even with Chains’s promise of stashing additional Jesters to provide back up. I had fucked this shit up, lost my girl in the process, and I had no intentions of leaving until Polanco was dead this time.
Even if it meant my death.
Once I was satisfied with my gear, I stepped inside the club, walking back to Chains’s office. He and Widow Maker were talking strategy when I entered, a map of the city on the desk.
“Hey,” Widow Maker said, giving me a faint smile. “We were just talking about where everyone is stationed at.”
I looked at the circles on the map, grateful for the numerous positions around the city. “I don’t know where he’s gonna be this time. The intel is incomplete right now.”
“But you are still going,” Chains added, his eyes narrowing. “Like a man with a suicide mission in mind.”
I gave a shrug, internally hating he could read my damn mind. “It doesn’t matter.”
“I’m going to check on that thing,” Widow Maker said slowly, nearly tripping over her own boots to get out of the office.
“Sit,” Chains said, pointing to the chair in front of the desk. “We need to talk.”
I dropped in the chair, my body screaming for some sleep. I couldn’t. I had tried to take a small nap earlier, to recharge, but all I saw when I closed my eyes was Elisa’s broken face. “I’m going.”
“I know you are,” Chains said, leaning back in his chair. “I have no doubt you are, but we need to talk about your mental capacity right now. I hear Elisa is at the safehouse.”
“Damn gossipers,” I sighed. “Yeah she’s there.”
He arched a brow. “Any particular reason why?”
“We’re done,” I forced out, the words bitter on my tongue. She didn’t want me protecting her and I couldn’t stand her being in danger. There was nothing else to be said.
“Huh,” Chains said after a heartbeat. “I thought you loved her.”
I chuckled. Love? Hell, I craved her. Everything about Elisa was what I wanted and even if she hadn’t been Will’s sister, I would have still wanted her.
Not only that, she had ripped my heart out of my chest and forgot to give it back when she walked away.
There would never be anyone else. “Yeah, well, that blew up in my face.”
“You know, I’m no therapist,” Chains said softly. “But Damian, you’re the baddest fucker I know in this club, probably in my life, to be honest. Still, that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve happiness.”
“I don’t deserve shit,” I said uncomfortably. “I killed my best friend and then fucked his sister. They have a special place for me in hell.”
Chains arched a brow. “Yeah and I am Santa Claus. You didn’t kill your best friend. He died in a freak accident you couldn’t control. You like to control, Machine Gun. It’s what you do best. Every situation you are in, you are in control, but Elisa, you can’t control her. Trust me. I know from experience and nearly lost my wife in the process. Sometimes you have to think about what’s important in your life and what you are willing to let go of.”
“You sound like a fucking therapist,” I replied, giving him a half-hearted grin. “Maybe if this club thing doesn’t work out, you can open up one of those quack offices.”
“I’m serious,” Chains grumbled, thrusting a hand through his hair. “Don’t let your pride get you on this one, man, or you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.”
I looked at the president, a man who had gone through hell and back numerous times. Not as many trips as I had taken, but he had been in some shit. “How do you do it? How do you let your wife be part of this and not flip the fuck out?”
He let out a low laugh. “One, I don’t control her. I tried that before. It’s the hardest damn thing I do every day, but I trust that Kris will make the right decisions. She knows we are a team and one wrong move will send both of us to our graves.” Chains looked at me, worry in his eyes. “Don’t think for one moment that I can just sit back and watch her step
into the danger. I wrestle with myself constantly, sometimes even reaching out in the middle of the night to make sure she’s still there. It’s the scariest thing, man, to love someone like that, but I can’t do this thing without her. She knows that.”
I swallowed, hearing the emotion in the man’s voice. It was the same way I felt about Elisa. My soul screamed for her, for me to go to that safe house and lock us both in that bedroom until we could work out our differences.
But in order for me to do that, I had to complete this mission first. I had to ensure the club and Elisa would be safe from any threats from the feds.
And I would gladly give up my life to ensure that was the case.
Standing, I reached into the pocket on my fatigues, pulling out a packet. “Make sure Elisa gets this if I don’t get back, will you?”
Chains eyed the envelope. “What is it? Don’t tell me they are naked selfies, man.”
I laughed. “No. It’s the keys to my house. I’ve already changed over the deed to her name and added her to my accounts.” It was the best parting gift I could give her, letting her know I trusted her with everything that was mine. There was a letter, a short note to her just in case. It was the hardest thing I had ever written, but she would know how I felt.
Chains let out a low whistle. “That’s heavy, man. I hope you are hoping to come back.”
“Yeah me, too,” I said, stepping back. “But if not, take care of her.”
Chains eyed me for a moment before giving a slow nod, tucking the envelope in the desk drawer. “Of course. She’s one of ours now.”
I reached out with my hand and he shook it, pulling me into a rough hug that surprised the hell out of me.
“We got you.”
“Thanks,” I said awkwardly, pulling away from him before he could see the emotions on my face. I wasn’t used to anyone showing me affection. Normally I was gone before the goodbyes could happen. “I’ll keep in touch.”
“We will be watching,” Chains said, clearing his throat. “And they have their orders.”
I nodded, turning and exiting the office before anything else could be said. The orders were simple: Any Jester in imminent danger of being captured was to be shot. Chains had put that in place after a few close calls with some of the other members, afraid that one day we wouldn’t be able to rescue our own.
We all knew the danger of what we did.
Walking outside, I climbed into my truck, firing up the engine. Well, this had turned into a shitty day to say the least. I had failed a mission, lost Elisa, and now was going back into the firefight with shitty intel.
Not exactly what I was used to.
Yet I didn’t turn the truck toward the landing strip where I would catch the chopper to head back into the fray. Instead I found myself heading down the street where the safehouse was located, wanting to see if I could catch one more glimpse of Elisa.
Sad, I know, but for a man whose time was limited, it was the only thing that would get me through whatever came next.
Sure enough, as I drove by the house, I saw Elisa out on the porch, talking to Sabrina. I drank in the sight of her, remembering the contours of her body in the recesses of my mind. She didn’t look at the truck passing, for which I was glad.
I wanted to remember her laughing and smiling, not glaring at me.
Part of me wished I was brave enough to confront her. No one would believe I was scared shitless now, my life crumbling before my eyes and unable to fix it. Chains was right. I loved control. That was one of the reasons I had been so good at what I did for the club.
But with Elisa, I was spiraling into the dark, scary abyss of chaos.
Heaving a sigh, I forced myself to turn at the next stop sign, heading toward the landing strip. That was done. Maybe it was best for the both of us if I didn’t come back from this mission. I couldn’t fathom going home to that empty house after everything was done and carrying on like she had never existed. Her scent was everywhere. In my mind’s eye I would remember our time in the kitchen or in the bedroom. That was something I wasn’t going to forget any time soon.
“Ah shit, Will,” I muttered as I turned onto the highway. “I didn’t live up to my promise, man.” I didn’t protect Elisa when he asked me to and now? I was, well hell, I was running away. I could sugar coat it as much as I wanted to others, but I couldn’t to myself. I was trying to put as much distance between me and Elisa, staving off the brokenness I felt inside knowing she wouldn’t be waiting for me this time around.
If I came back at all.
And if I didn’t, I knew Chains would make certain she was okay and safe. That was enough for me to keep this truck pointed west. Whatever Elisa decided to do with her life, with her career, Chains would look out for her.
He wouldn’t fail me like I had failed Will.
Emotion clogged my throat and I fought past it. Now wasn’t the time to grieve the loss of the one woman who had stolen my heart. I had something to do, something that would protect the club, Elisa, and I wasn’t going to let them down this time.
I would finish this and if it finished me in the process, well, I just hoped they buried my body next to Will’s.
Chapter 20
Elisa
Night came quickly and I still didn’t feel like myself. Sabrina’s parents were wonderful and the meal they cooked was delicious, but I felt out of sorts, like a piece of me was missing.
The scary part was that I knew what piece was missing.
So, after supper, I curled up in the porch swing, watching as the rain fell in the night. It was the perfect weather to match my mood.
“Want some company?”
I looked up and gave Sabrina a slight smile. “Sure, if you don’t mind me being miserable.”
“Of course not,” Sabrina said as she sat on the swing next to me, her movement matching the gentle sway of the swing. “We’ve all been there.”
“So you’ve said,” I answered. “Though I find that hard to believe given your current happiness.”
She laughed. “Don’t let it fool you. You should have seen the fit I gave Harrison when he told me I couldn’t stay in our apartment.”
I thought about the heavily tattooed biker who had come for supper. The looks they had given each other had made me miss Damian even more. “How do you do it?”
“I am fairly new at the game,” she said. “But it’s not easy loving a man like Harrison. I constantly worry when they go out on raids, and this Mexico Cartel business has really put a strain on this club. I think everyone worries when they go out that they aren’t coming back.” She then sighed. “But you revel in the small moments, like the hour before sunrise or the minutes before they do go out and pray that they come back to you in one piece.”
I shifted on the swing, her words cutting too close to home. “At least he involves you in the decision making.”
“Only because I had to force him to,” Sabrina answered. “You should have seen his face when I showed up with a prospect vest on. I thought he was going to lose his mind. But it was my decision and I don’t regret it for a minute. We still have our arguments, but we both understand each other’s love for the club and try not to overstep our boundaries when there’s business to be done.”
What she was saying made excellent sense, but I didn’t think Damian would agree. But as I thought about him, I wondered if I had been any better. He had business to attend to and all I had done was pitch a fit because he hadn’t included me in on his plans.
Was it really my business?
I had been so angry at him for keeping it a secret, for not trusting me with his plans, but in reality, that was his life before me.
Just like my work with the missions.
The realization slammed into me, causing me to gasp.
“Are you alright?” Sabrina asked, worry on her face.
“I think I did something wrong,” I rushed out, a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. Had I been wrong? Had I lashed out at Damian for no rea
son at all?
Was I control crazy?
“Are you talking about Machine Gun?” Sabrina asked again.
I nodded, my eyes tearing up. “I shouldn’t have butted into his club business.”
“Elisa…” Sabrina started.
“No, I was wrong,” I interrupted her, looking at my new friend. “It’s just like you and Harrison. Didn’t you say that y’all try to keep your business separate?”
“Well, yeah,” Sabrina said slowly. “What he does with the club, that’s his business.”
